I am so mad
 

Hi all. I am still here, and still sober.

I have a problem. I need advice. My best friend who lives in Dallas is getting married October 14. This is a wedding we've both dreamed of for years. I am the maid of honor. I have been looking very forward to this trip and also thinking how much more fun it will be if I can still be sober when I go and how much cuter I will look in the wedding pictures because I have taken awful bloated looking pictures for several years now, and it has been a source of shame. But most of all I have been looking forward to seeing this lovely couple officially begin their lives together as a married couple.

WELL, my father, who I am somewhat estranged from, has announced that he is getting married to a woman he met six months ago. He has admitted they are not technically "in love" but she needs him and I guess in his own messed up way he needs her too. He has been single for a very long time. I have met her and it was everything she could do to be civil to my brother and I. She is, to put it mildly, a little rough around the edges.

Well guess what day this happy occasion is supposed to take place?? OCTOBER 14th!! I know a conflict like this is small potatoes in the grand scheme of things but this is a HUGE deal to me, and my friend. And if I don't go to Dad's wedding of course he will be furious and I will be passive aggressively punished for an indefinite amount of time.

I am so tired of everything being a ******** lately. My friend is in a truly loving relationship and they have been together for 16 years! My dad has known this woman six months, and she doesn't even like me. What are the odds out of all the days of the year they are both on the same day.

I would go to no wedding of a person I was somewhat estranged from. Family member or not. Regardless of the threat, implied or otherwise, of passive aggressive punishment.

I don't deal with toxic people. Period. And my sobriety approves.

P.S.

You tell him, sorry, I have a prior commitment, where I am the maid of honor. If you want me at your wedding, change the date.

I agree with Carl 100%. You have a prior commitment.

That is sage advice, thank you. And that is how I am leaning. That is really what I have to do isn't it? I am not only supposed to be at my friend's wedding but also be IN it. And to me that is a huge honor. I could just cry. I think I am going to do just as you said, but it will be a huge problem.

I had to estrange myself from my father about the same time i quit drinking because dealing with my dad is a huge trigger.

I also agree. Create a memory you'll never forget instead of one that always makes you wonder why you didn't.

You're the maid of honor. That is not a commitment you can back out of.

Family is tough. I know mine sets me off like crazy. I tend to over react and then not handle perfectly logical situations well. Just tell your dad the facts, wish him the best, get them a gift. How he handles it is up to him. You're completely justified in sticking with your original commitment. Even if you guys had a great relationship it would make sense. Don't fall into the guilt trap.

My vote goes with surrounding yourself with love not toxic drama.

I agree with everyone above. Friends can sometimes be more like family than relatives.

Go to the wedding you are excited about, that has people who you genuinely love and care about, and where you will be in a healthy happy fun atmosphere.

Going to your father's wedding is going to most likely be a big ole trigger and the whole time you will be wishing you went to your friends. You have plans already- big plans actually because you are the maid of honors. Even if you are feeling guilty about missing your dad's wedding to someone he just met who he doesn't love who is on top of that hostile to you- think about what it would be like for your best friend who has been waiting 16 years for this day and is now either without a maid of honor or has to scramble to try to make someone else it.

Do what is best for YOU.

This was the same friend who flew into town when my husband broke his leg and I had to put my dog to sleep in the same week. He carried my dog up and down the stairs for me because she could no longer walk and she was too big for me to get up and down the stairs and of course, my husband could not do it. He stayed right with me while they came to the house and put her to sleep and cried with me and helped drive my husband around and everything.

When I told my dad that my mother in law passed away, he said "oh" and then went on talking about his job. Same for my brother in law. Didn't send a card or go to the funerals and I had to tell him that he needed to call my husband to express his condolences.

So there is no question I will go to Dallas, and I also suspect there is a chance this wedding of my dad's might not happen, and I would forever kick myself if I cancelled on my BFF for a wedding that never materialized.

I know you guys are right. I am just so mad because I am tired of every little thing being a damn mess.

Yes, you are making the right decision, Daisy. People-pleasing is toxic. Go to your dear friend's wedding and make memories for your life. Your friend sounds like a wonderful person and I'm sure you will have a great time at the wedding. I think that learning to say 'No' and feeling okay about it was the best gift of recovery that I gave myself. :)

Was it just a coincidence Daisy? That the weddings are on the same date.

I agree with everyone above. You've already made plans for the 14 October!

Stick to your guns....don't be disappointed x

I agree - you have a prior commitment - go and enjoy Daisy :)

D

Total agreement. You have a commitment to your friend.

I just couldn't wait to scroll to the end of this one:

All up to you.

I'm with everyone else. Go be the maid of honor and enjoy your friend's big day. :) Don't worry about anyone else. Go and enjoy yourself. :hug:

I can see you regretting not going to your Friends wedding FAR MORE in the end. GIRRRLLL! You better go to your BFFs wedding! *Hairflip ;)

Ok, everyone agrees. Go be in your friend's wedding! Surround yourself with love, not drama. Just curious, did he know about your friend's wedding before he planned his?

Oh you made me giggle! That is what my friend said with a few colorful words thrown in to let me know he was serious.He said he will drive his Kia Soul up here and literally crash their wedding. Lol

lol niiiice. tell em to pick me up :)