I fully intended on drinking yesterday.
 

Man, someone must be looking after me. I recieved some very good news yesterday, and some very frustrating news. Both triggers to celebrate and escape. I even went to the liquor store and bought some alcohol. After I stopped at the liquor store I headed over to talk with my father, he always seems to have solid advice and perspective (despite his pill addiction). When I got there, both my nephews were there and they were all having dinner, so "happy hour" was over. It would have been completely inappropriate to sit there by myself and make a drink.

I ended up staying for awhile, nibbled on some food and talked with my nephews about baseball (they both had a game later). I enjoy doing that. They showed me their new gloves and their cleats and we talked about the game of baseball (which I know little about). I left the bottle at my parents place and after about an hour the urge had passed and I went home. I need to take my own advice and avoid the urge to drink "at" things. And that is precisely what I was going to do.

That's how I feel. I always have an excuse to drink. It's been a good day, it's been a bad day. It's sunny, get the white wine out, It's cold, get the red out .......... Guess you can always find an excuse :headbange

I think it may be time to have the discussion with your family. Leaving that door open to drink around them is dangerous.

Why haven't you come clean to your family? They already know/knew of your problem drinking. What is the benefit in not telling them you've quit? You don't have to mention alcoholism, just that you're done drinking.

Then that scenario of buying a bottle and taking it over there with the intention of drinking will be much more problematic.

You already know about these "triggers" as you call them.

I'm glad you didn't drink. Now pour out that bottle.

*oh, edit to say I see you left the bottle at the parents. It's still just waiting for you the next time you go over. I hope you can become honest with yourself and your family.

BTDT only I didn't get out of it. EVERY SINGLE TIME I relapsed, it just set me back that much further. Maybe figure out how to prevent the trip to the liquor store in the future? Thanks for your honesty and for keeping it real.

I'm glad you didn't drink Jeff. Sounds like the only reason ya didn't is because it would have looked bad. Had you gotten there an hour earlier could have been much different.

Now your family has seen you bring over booze. So expect them to continue to whip up your favorite drink at the next family gathering.

So obviously there are a lot of red flags here. Right?

Yes, there are red flags, I know I'm not cured. I came here to open up about it and be honest. I know honesty gets me no brownie points, but I prefer it over lying and cover ups. My family has an awful history of lying, I don't want to be "just like them".

Why haven't I come clean to them? If I declare sobriety, and somewhere, sometime down the road I slip or relapse, I'll NEVER hear the end of it. They love seeing a tiny little weakness and then taking a sledgehammer to it. I don't care to go through that.

Oh. So you are leaving the door open to yourself to drink again. Well, that's something that has to be dealt with.

Why would you leave a door open like that? You've stated over and over that sobriety is what you want.

It doesn't matter what your family thinks after the fact. It matters what you think beforehand. If you are more worried about what people think than you are about your own health and life, I don't know what to say.

I'm happy that even though you intended on drinking you didn't end up drinking! What you effectively did without even meaning to was you waited the craving out. Next time, instead of actually going to buy the alcohol just wait out the craving and it will pass all the same. (a lot less chance for relapse this way).

Keep moving forward! Honesty is always really important in recovery- being honest with yourself is step one. Good day, bad day, bored, excited, anxiety, depression, sunny out, raining, snowing etc. if you get an urge acknowledge it for what it is and move past it. I'm glad you are noticing that drinking at things does not work.

Bimini, see responses in red

I needed to read this way more than you know. I considered slipping today, though not very seriously. I am SO impressed that you bought alcohol and did not drink it. At 115 days I could not have done that. THANK YOU for sharing.

Honesty definitely gets ya brownie points :). I also understand the complexities of family....ugh. That's why I moved to another state! I'm gearing up for my trip to dysfunction junction and I'm already noticing red flags.

Here's honesty: I was thinking the other day how much easier my life will be after my parents pass. Yeah. Cool huh? Obviously that is very distorted thinking but that's the truth. Die already. Nice.

Frickaflip, I used to live at "Dysfunction Junction", I just didn't know what it was called! 😉

Huh, dysfunction junction....wish I would have thought of it.

We've discussed your 'personality quirk' before Jeff and I agree with Bim - you need to get past what other people might think, because that's what this is really about IMO.

I think, if you want success, there's a time when you have to declare your side...if not to others, certainly to yourself.

Do you feel you've declared yourself totally for the sober side in your own mind yet?

D

Dee, regarding my personality quirk, it has served me very well in my life, and probably won't change it.

I think over the course of the last year I've declared my side to myself which (selfishly) is probably what matters most.

Regarding your last comment, I've tried all the options available to drinkers. Partying, daily drinking, weekend warrior, binge/bender behavior. To my knowledge there is no more territory to be discovered. If there is, I don't want to know about it. Since I've pretty much covered all the drinking bases, I decided to give not drinking at all a try. So far I see no downside.

Will I pick up again? Who knows, but doubt it because I drank to get drunk. Plain and simple. I even posted on this forum once that moderation is for amateurs...real mature.

Yesterday, my higher power was present.

Both of mine are gone, and I take no offense, but trust me: things don't get better, if anything they get exacerbated....and my mother was a VERY difficult person to deal with....

Not drinking is obviously the best outcome, the goal. But without a commitment to yourself to quit it can be a continuing battle and an unnecessary one. Leaving the door open to the drinking option is just that, leaving it open. Choosing to leave it open by not deciding to make a commitment to quit is a choice, granted, but that only means you are choosing to not make a commitment , not that a commitment is impossible to make. Add to that, that a commitment need not be a public announcement (though it could be included) but a mindset adopted, a Big Plan.
If not drinking/getting drunk is the goal, quitting as a plan means far fewer 'battles' , near misses or returns to drinking. Quitting for me means always planning on never drinking , and making that commitment has served my goal, and is the only way I see to continuing to serve my goal.

Ermmm...."personality quirk"? I just see justification for future drinking.

This is how you charactergorised it upthread:

How could this serve you well Jeff? Seems like 'they' have all the power here.

Tell them or not, that's not really the issue. The real issue is you and how much validation you derive from toxic relationships.

I think it would be far more empowering for you to be who and what you want to be, regardless of what people say or think and disregarding the possibility of failure down the track - if you put in the effort and do everything possible not to drink again, you'll never relapse again....seriously.

The issue is also, like Ven suggests, about commitment.

Never and Always are always scary if we're looking at them from the outside. The Unknown Quantity looms large and breeds fear.

I had the same fear - but I leapt into the great unknown...and it turned out better than I could have imagined.

now I have absolutely no problem in making a commitment to never drinking again, no matter what.

It actually feels *good* that certainty.

forget the fear, man - you can do this.

D

ps I know I'm hard on you - but not only do I think you can take it, but I really think you can do this.

^^^^ Wise words.

Jeff, you wrote: This has been discussed before, and its just a personality quirk of mine. Rarely will you ever hear me say the words never and always. Maybe its a phobia, I don't know. [/COLOR]

We've been friends here on SR for a long time. You've been on this site long enough to know what "terminal uniqueness" means. For a long time, you've carved out territory for yourself in which you're different, the well-tested truisms of addiction don't apply to you.

And that scares me to death for you. You've always left a crack in the door for alcohol. Yesterday was as close a call as you've had. Something good? Alcohol. Something bad? Alcohol. My concern for you is one of these days, the door will widen and it'll be a struggle for you to get out. You're well aware of the damage alcohol already has done in your life, the physical damage and more. Do you really need to dance with that devil again?

I think you know me well enough to know I'm not writing this as an exercise in standing on my own soapbox. I count myself among the many here who care about you.

DWTBD had wise counsel for you. I hope you take it to heart.