Scared, Unsure, or Something like that
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
You really don't need to do anything about the "why" - I mean I drank because I wanted to be drunk. Checked out. Numb.
I suspect you do too. Whatever traumas or issues you have in life can be solved. There is nothing you have faced in life that hasn't been faced down by one of us.
Try the One Day At A Time approach. That's all any of us have, today. Sober.
Do it again tomorrow. Pretty soon you string together a bunch of those and life starts to improve.
I suspect you do too. Whatever traumas or issues you have in life can be solved. There is nothing you have faced in life that hasn't been faced down by one of us.
Try the One Day At A Time approach. That's all any of us have, today. Sober.
Do it again tomorrow. Pretty soon you string together a bunch of those and life starts to improve.
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 249
Agnostic. Because I just don't know, and I don't lay claim to know, whether there is any God or god or anything controlling anything. I do know (or think I do anyway) that neither is everything just random happenstance. There IS cause and effect. There are reasons things happen, and change, and adapt, as they do. And that is a reality I do respect as truth. Perhaps there's guidance, and trust, to be found in that.
The notion that the "why" behind it doesn't matter is a curious one.
You know, I never really thought about it that way until biminiblue mentioned it here. Why I use doesn't necessarily matter. That I use does. And you're precisely right, I do that to escape, to check out. Because it's all comfortable (in a sick way) that way.
However, after decades of employing such tactics, it's become the only way I know how to get to that state of comfort. I presume you know what I mean in that, because it's really not comfort, it's just escape. I don't know any other way, so I immerse myself in my other drug which is to work pretty much constantly. Physical labor. I'm wearing thin, and concerned that this fight is actually doing more harm than just doing the drugs.
The notion that the "why" behind it doesn't matter is a curious one.
You know, I never really thought about it that way until biminiblue mentioned it here. Why I use doesn't necessarily matter. That I use does. And you're precisely right, I do that to escape, to check out. Because it's all comfortable (in a sick way) that way.
However, after decades of employing such tactics, it's become the only way I know how to get to that state of comfort. I presume you know what I mean in that, because it's really not comfort, it's just escape. I don't know any other way, so I immerse myself in my other drug which is to work pretty much constantly. Physical labor. I'm wearing thin, and concerned that this fight is actually doing more harm than just doing the drugs.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
I figured it was my own head that got me into it, my own head should have capacity to get me out, or do whatever it wants, if I set my mind to it.
yes, i figured that, too, for a very long time. and a gazillion tries.
the fact that the head that got me into it was now altered...didn't occur to me.
the head you have now is not the one you had at the beginning, andisa.
The notion that the "why" behind it doesn't matter is a curious one.
You know, I never really thought about it that way until biminiblue mentioned it here. Why I use doesn't necessarily matter. That I use does.
why you use matters, but why you use isn't something you need to know in order to stop.
does that distinction make sense to you?
yes, i figured that, too, for a very long time. and a gazillion tries.
the fact that the head that got me into it was now altered...didn't occur to me.
the head you have now is not the one you had at the beginning, andisa.
The notion that the "why" behind it doesn't matter is a curious one.
You know, I never really thought about it that way until biminiblue mentioned it here. Why I use doesn't necessarily matter. That I use does.
why you use matters, but why you use isn't something you need to know in order to stop.
does that distinction make sense to you?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 249
The distinction makes sense.
It doesn't really make sense, does it, to try to employ rational thinking through an irrational mind.
I'm hearing you all say to first stop, then figure out why I'm compelled to use. Though with me, for the drugs I've chosen, just stopping won't resolve the matter, because I know that in time, if I don't figure out the why, I'll go right back into it again, in a year, or in a month, or in a day.
Being in this place of internal debate right now is not a good place to be.
It doesn't really make sense, does it, to try to employ rational thinking through an irrational mind.
I'm hearing you all say to first stop, then figure out why I'm compelled to use. Though with me, for the drugs I've chosen, just stopping won't resolve the matter, because I know that in time, if I don't figure out the why, I'll go right back into it again, in a year, or in a month, or in a day.
Being in this place of internal debate right now is not a good place to be.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by andisa 
The distinction makes sense.
It doesn't really make sense, does it, to try to employ rational thinking through an irrational mind.
I'm hearing you all say to first stop, then figure out why I'm compelled to use. Though with me, for the drugs I've chosen, just stopping won't resolve the matter, because I know that in time, if I don't figure out the why, I'll go right back into it again, in a year, or in a month, or in a day.
Being in this place of internal debate right now is not a good place to be.
It doesn't really make sense, does it, to try to employ rational thinking through an irrational mind.
I'm hearing you all say to first stop, then figure out why I'm compelled to use. Though with me, for the drugs I've chosen, just stopping won't resolve the matter, because I know that in time, if I don't figure out the why, I'll go right back into it again, in a year, or in a month, or in a day.
Being in this place of internal debate right now is not a good place to be.
I spent years and years naval gazing - usually on some bar stool with some equally insane drinking friends trying to figure that stuff out. Of course, I got nowhere fast. Once I'd been stopped for a while things started to seem a bit easier to see.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,808
A year and a half sober, and I'm still figuring out the whys. It doesn't happen all at once. But an insight here and there keeps me going. And I know for sure I wouldn't have these insights at all if I were still drinking. Are these insights painful sometimes? You bet. But I welcome them with open arms, knowing each one gives me the chance to change myself and my life so that I don't go back to drinking.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
There are countless ways to get and stay sober. Some methods are tried and true and are readily available on this forum. Pick something that works for you, and leave the rest. It seems to have a high success rate.
One other thing that has helped me was to determine in my own mind that active alcoholism is powerful but it should be at the bottom or even left off the "priority list of life" if that makes any sense.
One other thing that has helped me was to determine in my own mind that active alcoholism is powerful but it should be at the bottom or even left off the "priority list of life" if that makes any sense.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
in the end, for me it really came down to a "shrug. i'm an alcoholic. that's why i drink", which used to infuriate me when i heard others say it/believe it. that ridiculous abdication of responsibility!!!
which it isn't. i see that now.
but that's me. you may differ.
yes, the place of internal debate...i spent a long time there. not a good place at all. torture.
which it isn't. i see that now.
but that's me. you may differ.
yes, the place of internal debate...i spent a long time there. not a good place at all. torture.
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 249
I accept that I am an addict. But I don't want anyone to know that about me. So apparently I don't fully accept being wholly accountable for it.
Right now is the best opportunity I've had to actually stop using and move beyond this obsession/ dependence. I've managed to find a small but seemingly extremely sincere, genuine few people who are supportive and encouraging and willing to offer what they can through their experience in dealing with addiction. A few at an NA group I've attended on and off over recent months, and people here on this forum. I know what I need to do to move forward, and in moments of inspiration it seems possible to proceed. And then the other side grabs hold and demands I knock it off, tend to it instead.
If I don't act now, and instead retreat again, I'll have missed a really solid chance to maybe get beyond this present state. I can't see how using will ever allow me to move ahead because the debate will surely continue. But if I stop using, the debate could end.
And yet, I'm still debating.
Right now is the best opportunity I've had to actually stop using and move beyond this obsession/ dependence. I've managed to find a small but seemingly extremely sincere, genuine few people who are supportive and encouraging and willing to offer what they can through their experience in dealing with addiction. A few at an NA group I've attended on and off over recent months, and people here on this forum. I know what I need to do to move forward, and in moments of inspiration it seems possible to proceed. And then the other side grabs hold and demands I knock it off, tend to it instead.
If I don't act now, and instead retreat again, I'll have missed a really solid chance to maybe get beyond this present state. I can't see how using will ever allow me to move ahead because the debate will surely continue. But if I stop using, the debate could end.
And yet, I'm still debating.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
some call it addiction ambivalence.
how lucky you are: sincere, genuine few people who are supportive and encouraging and willing to offer what they can through their experience in dealing with addiction.
what you call accountable, he calls ownership:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/4556997-post10.html
how lucky you are: sincere, genuine few people who are supportive and encouraging and willing to offer what they can through their experience in dealing with addiction.
what you call accountable, he calls ownership:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/4556997-post10.html
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 249
Quote from the link:
--"As long as drinking can be justified as a doable solution, then its likely that option will sooner then later be taken.
There is no way out of this without feeling uncomfortable. Eventually though quitting becomes comfortable for the long haul while drinking only gives back short term comfort and even that is at cost."
I know I keep the option open, and am seeing that my attempts to be comfortable only keep me perpetually uncomfortable. So maybe instead of allowing myself to entertain the options, I'll think hard on these realities today.
And on this quote…"determine in my own mind that active alcoholism is powerful but it should be at the bottom or even left off the "priority list of life" if that makes any sense."
All this you all offer makes sense enough to trust there's reason to really listen, and employ these ideas. I think I'm willing...
--"As long as drinking can be justified as a doable solution, then its likely that option will sooner then later be taken.
There is no way out of this without feeling uncomfortable. Eventually though quitting becomes comfortable for the long haul while drinking only gives back short term comfort and even that is at cost."
I know I keep the option open, and am seeing that my attempts to be comfortable only keep me perpetually uncomfortable. So maybe instead of allowing myself to entertain the options, I'll think hard on these realities today.
And on this quote…"determine in my own mind that active alcoholism is powerful but it should be at the bottom or even left off the "priority list of life" if that makes any sense."
All this you all offer makes sense enough to trust there's reason to really listen, and employ these ideas. I think I'm willing...
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,808
Willingness is the first step. I know it was for me.
Then a bit later I was able to take alcohol off the table as an option. Along with that, though, I had to come up with other options. I have a whole bunch of little things I can do when I feel antsy. Eat something. Go for a walk. Go to a meeting. Text a friend to say hi. Maybe even get together with that friend if possible. Meditate for a few minutes. Take a nap. Clean something.
You will find your own little distractions. Whatever works for you. It helps to actually have a list of these things until they become second nature.
Then a bit later I was able to take alcohol off the table as an option. Along with that, though, I had to come up with other options. I have a whole bunch of little things I can do when I feel antsy. Eat something. Go for a walk. Go to a meeting. Text a friend to say hi. Maybe even get together with that friend if possible. Meditate for a few minutes. Take a nap. Clean something.
You will find your own little distractions. Whatever works for you. It helps to actually have a list of these things until they become second nature.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 249
At times I am SO willing, and the next minute so anxious about being willing I'm immobilized. Literally, I've been stuck, just sitting and trying to regroup, several times in recent days.
Removing the option from the table seems to be imperative if I'm going to proceed. So long as it remains an option, I remain stuck.
I've distracted myself to the point of exhaustion many, many times. Even while distracting I still can't stop thinking about it. That's what decades of avoidance and denial will do to a person, apparently.
I'm fortunate to have options to change my situation readily available to me if I just reach out for them. Still so tentative for fear of commitment.
Removing the option from the table seems to be imperative if I'm going to proceed. So long as it remains an option, I remain stuck.
I've distracted myself to the point of exhaustion many, many times. Even while distracting I still can't stop thinking about it. That's what decades of avoidance and denial will do to a person, apparently.
I'm fortunate to have options to change my situation readily available to me if I just reach out for them. Still so tentative for fear of commitment.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Willingness comes hard to us at first. It involved a lot of fear and anxiety for me, which, as you describe, was almost paralysing. I always thought that if I'd ever got 'gripped by fear' it would be for something like King Kong popping round the side of a mountain, but it turns out that just turning my will over and living normal life without a crutch of alcohol could do it as well. There you go. Who knew!!!
Can a I suggest a little extra on the spot meditation for this? I find it he....lpful for all kinds of emotions, but I especially use it when I want to seperate myself from fear or anger in a situation (working with special needs teens, this is often a number of times in a day). It's really simple. Just breathe in deeply and say (or think, if it's not really appropriate to do it out loud in your situation) "God in" and breathe slowly out saying or thinking "fear out" (or willfulness, or obsession, or whatever is appropriate) and repeat 4 times (or more if needed). Surprisingly just four times is generally all it takes for the worst of my feelings to pass. Most feelings pass a lot quicker than I ever realised before. They just seemed longer because I'd attached myself to them.
This is the step one prayer for AA, which might also be handy...
Dear Lord, Help me to see and admit that I am powerless over my alcoholism. Help me to understand how my alcoholism has led to unmanageability in my life. Help me this day to understand the true meaning of powerlessness. Remove from me all denial of my alcoholism. (This prayer is developed from the chapter, More About Alcoholism)
Can a I suggest a little extra on the spot meditation for this? I find it he....lpful for all kinds of emotions, but I especially use it when I want to seperate myself from fear or anger in a situation (working with special needs teens, this is often a number of times in a day). It's really simple. Just breathe in deeply and say (or think, if it's not really appropriate to do it out loud in your situation) "God in" and breathe slowly out saying or thinking "fear out" (or willfulness, or obsession, or whatever is appropriate) and repeat 4 times (or more if needed). Surprisingly just four times is generally all it takes for the worst of my feelings to pass. Most feelings pass a lot quicker than I ever realised before. They just seemed longer because I'd attached myself to them.
This is the step one prayer for AA, which might also be handy...
Dear Lord, Help me to see and admit that I am powerless over my alcoholism. Help me to understand how my alcoholism has led to unmanageability in my life. Help me this day to understand the true meaning of powerlessness. Remove from me all denial of my alcoholism. (This prayer is developed from the chapter, More About Alcoholism)
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 249
You were the second person to say the same thing to me yesterday, just in different words. The other directive was to sit, straight up, feet on the floor, and just breathe.
How quickly, and wholly, fear and emotions can overwhelm. Especially when they're allowed to.
There's some strange balance of maintaining control, and relinquishing control, necessary, and I have yet to find or even understand quite how that works.
How quickly, and wholly, fear and emotions can overwhelm. Especially when they're allowed to.
There's some strange balance of maintaining control, and relinquishing control, necessary, and I have yet to find or even understand quite how that works.
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