I have some questions...
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
I have some questions...
Hi everyone on here
I have some questions and I need honesty. I am not trying to be offensive or trigger anyone but my ex active alcoholic boyfriend and I just broke up and i feel so hurt, betrayed and confused. He is an active alcoholic... he knows he is and told me he was 1/2 way through our relationship. We were only together a year but this still hurts like hell... It was a fast moving relationship and we lived together. My story is long and has a lot of hurtful details. My ex AB drank almost everyday... he said he has not drank about 3 weeks combined out of 9 years.. and he can drink almost an entire bottle of vodka a day. He never seems drunk though...he is easy tempered when he's been drinking but I can hardly tell.... none of the falling over tale tale signs.... anyway through out our relationship he would go from adoring boyfriend ( like the best ) to pushing me away ...and round and round it would go. I was loving 90% of them time and looking back now ( I am in alanon ) completely enabling.... but when I needed anything...that he didn't feel like giving I was a nag... If he told me he would be home and got drunk and came home hours later ( which only happened 4 or 5 times but still) I wasn't being "easy going" enough and was trying to control him.... I am so heart broken... We just broke up and he is moving his ex wife into our home 5 days later ( she left across country to get away from him) but the court ordered the kids back here so she has to leave her boyfriend and come back... I feel like I was played for the past year... Just last week he texted me that I am 100% what he wants and "just hold on baby we are almost through the fire" !!!!!! And the minute I brought up needing a little alone time with him ( I had been helping him with his kids) he got distant and said he doesn't want to have to be responsible for my feelings everyday!!!! So I ended things because I felt forced to and now she is living in my home!!!! anyway sorry for the ramble... I am just so confused by his erratic behavior... He seemed so sincere when he told me he loved me...he did all the things in the beginning a girl is suppose to look for in a good guy...he bonded with my friends and family...him and my dad had a relationship...we went on family vacations... He told his children I was their step mother.... how did he go from that to cold and uncaring .... he was literally joking with me about our break up hours after it happened...he asked me 2 days after our breakup if we could be friends with benefits!!! after I cared for his children...It was such a contrast because 15 minutes after he asked me to be friends with benefits his 5 year old daughter asked if I would come home early from work that night!! just the contrast in it all... its so bizarre and hurtful.... anyway my question to any alcoholics...why would you behave this way when you were actively in your addiction? Am I just trying to make sense of something I can't make sense of? Thank you in advance for your advice... I am in alanon and have a sponsor ...I am starting to learn ...just heartbroken
I have some questions and I need honesty. I am not trying to be offensive or trigger anyone but my ex active alcoholic boyfriend and I just broke up and i feel so hurt, betrayed and confused. He is an active alcoholic... he knows he is and told me he was 1/2 way through our relationship. We were only together a year but this still hurts like hell... It was a fast moving relationship and we lived together. My story is long and has a lot of hurtful details. My ex AB drank almost everyday... he said he has not drank about 3 weeks combined out of 9 years.. and he can drink almost an entire bottle of vodka a day. He never seems drunk though...he is easy tempered when he's been drinking but I can hardly tell.... none of the falling over tale tale signs.... anyway through out our relationship he would go from adoring boyfriend ( like the best ) to pushing me away ...and round and round it would go. I was loving 90% of them time and looking back now ( I am in alanon ) completely enabling.... but when I needed anything...that he didn't feel like giving I was a nag... If he told me he would be home and got drunk and came home hours later ( which only happened 4 or 5 times but still) I wasn't being "easy going" enough and was trying to control him.... I am so heart broken... We just broke up and he is moving his ex wife into our home 5 days later ( she left across country to get away from him) but the court ordered the kids back here so she has to leave her boyfriend and come back... I feel like I was played for the past year... Just last week he texted me that I am 100% what he wants and "just hold on baby we are almost through the fire" !!!!!! And the minute I brought up needing a little alone time with him ( I had been helping him with his kids) he got distant and said he doesn't want to have to be responsible for my feelings everyday!!!! So I ended things because I felt forced to and now she is living in my home!!!! anyway sorry for the ramble... I am just so confused by his erratic behavior... He seemed so sincere when he told me he loved me...he did all the things in the beginning a girl is suppose to look for in a good guy...he bonded with my friends and family...him and my dad had a relationship...we went on family vacations... He told his children I was their step mother.... how did he go from that to cold and uncaring .... he was literally joking with me about our break up hours after it happened...he asked me 2 days after our breakup if we could be friends with benefits!!! after I cared for his children...It was such a contrast because 15 minutes after he asked me to be friends with benefits his 5 year old daughter asked if I would come home early from work that night!! just the contrast in it all... its so bizarre and hurtful.... anyway my question to any alcoholics...why would you behave this way when you were actively in your addiction? Am I just trying to make sense of something I can't make sense of? Thank you in advance for your advice... I am in alanon and have a sponsor ...I am starting to learn ...just heartbroken
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 701
It sounds like there are issues aside from the alcoholism. If you are officially broke up, you may just want to move on. You could spend a lot of time trying to figure out answers to your questions, but is it really going to be worth the time and energy? I guess you are the only one that can answer that question.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
I know I should move on
I am moving on in my actions... I just am hurting and looking for answers .... it has only been 5 days since we ended things...7 days ago I thought I was going to be with this guy for a long time...just feel jolting
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
There are good people and bad people. Sounds to me like the guy is a jerk. I'm an alcoholic but that doesn't make me a lying, manipulative user. You sound like a nice lady and were willing to sacrifice a lot for the relationship. Especially considering the relationship was so new.
I am a codependent. I can get addicted to people in a similar way that I am addicted to alcohol. I love the rush of new love, the high. They become my everything, my answer. I am willing to lose myself completely, do whatever I think that person wants, to get more and more of their love (my drug). I'm in love! Far faster than is normal or healthy. I let my boundaries be violated. I allow my values to be bent or changed. And I am constantly trying to figure them out. What are they thinking, why do they do what they do? I build tolerance....why can't they love me the way I need to be loved. I could go on.....
I have learned that I allow myself to be treated the way I am treated, good or bad. I have learned that love, true love, takes time....lots of it. I have learned to walk from dysfunction and not do things that I know violate my boundaries.
I know you're hurting and just want to know why. The sad answer is, because. I hope you learn a lot about yourself so you don't find yourself in the same situation in the future. History does tend to repeat itself.
I am a codependent. I can get addicted to people in a similar way that I am addicted to alcohol. I love the rush of new love, the high. They become my everything, my answer. I am willing to lose myself completely, do whatever I think that person wants, to get more and more of their love (my drug). I'm in love! Far faster than is normal or healthy. I let my boundaries be violated. I allow my values to be bent or changed. And I am constantly trying to figure them out. What are they thinking, why do they do what they do? I build tolerance....why can't they love me the way I need to be loved. I could go on.....
I have learned that I allow myself to be treated the way I am treated, good or bad. I have learned that love, true love, takes time....lots of it. I have learned to walk from dysfunction and not do things that I know violate my boundaries.
I know you're hurting and just want to know why. The sad answer is, because. I hope you learn a lot about yourself so you don't find yourself in the same situation in the future. History does tend to repeat itself.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Hi Kaya,
You can post here and get some good responses but you may get better insight from those who are going through the same as you. This is a link to the Friends and Family Forum. Just click directly on it and it will bring you to that area.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I hope the best for you.
You can post here and get some good responses but you may get better insight from those who are going through the same as you. This is a link to the Friends and Family Forum. Just click directly on it and it will bring you to that area.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I hope the best for you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Arizona
Posts: 184
Originally Posted by Frickaflip233 
There are good people and bad people. Sounds to me like the guy is a jerk. I'm an alcoholic but that doesn't make me a lying, manipulative user. You sound like a nice lady and were willing to sacrifice a lot for the relationship. Especially considering the relationship was so new.
I am a codependent. I can get addicted to people in a similar way that I am addicted to alcohol. I love the rush of new love, the high. They become my everything, my answer. I am willing to lose myself completely, do whatever I think that person wants, to get more and more of their love (my drug). I'm in love! Far faster than is normal or healthy. I let my boundaries be violated. I allow my values to be bent or changed. And I am constantly trying to figure them out. What are they thinking, why do they do what they do? I build tolerance....why can't they love me the way I need to be loved. I could go on.....
I have learned that I allow myself to be treated the way I am treated, good or bad. I have learned that love, true love, takes time....lots of it. I have learned to walk from dysfunction and not do things that I know violate my boundaries.
I know you're hurting and just want to know why. The sad answer is, because. I hope you learn a lot about yourself so you don't find yourself in the same situation in the future. History does tend to repeat itself.
I am a codependent. I can get addicted to people in a similar way that I am addicted to alcohol. I love the rush of new love, the high. They become my everything, my answer. I am willing to lose myself completely, do whatever I think that person wants, to get more and more of their love (my drug). I'm in love! Far faster than is normal or healthy. I let my boundaries be violated. I allow my values to be bent or changed. And I am constantly trying to figure them out. What are they thinking, why do they do what they do? I build tolerance....why can't they love me the way I need to be loved. I could go on.....
I have learned that I allow myself to be treated the way I am treated, good or bad. I have learned that love, true love, takes time....lots of it. I have learned to walk from dysfunction and not do things that I know violate my boundaries.
I know you're hurting and just want to know why. The sad answer is, because. I hope you learn a lot about yourself so you don't find yourself in the same situation in the future. History does tend to repeat itself.
Addicts/alcoholics have our issues, but not all of us do what your ex did. I'm sorry for what you're going through (I've been there!), but it's not always about what someone is addicted to.
Sounds like this guy was just a royal dick.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
I also dated at least one guy who wore it as a badge of enormous pride that he never ever touched a drink or drug, ever.
However, he happened to be a total sociopath and that was just a part of his veneer.
Only thing I can say is... I spent a really long time trying to figure out how, why he could do such things to me. And yes it can drive you nuts when you cannot fathom doing such things to another human being.
End of the day? You have to know one thing only- how not to date anymore people like that, which means figuring out some things about yourself. Don't waste the energy on trying to figure him out.
However, he happened to be a total sociopath and that was just a part of his veneer.
Only thing I can say is... I spent a really long time trying to figure out how, why he could do such things to me. And yes it can drive you nuts when you cannot fathom doing such things to another human being.
End of the day? You have to know one thing only- how not to date anymore people like that, which means figuring out some things about yourself. Don't waste the energy on trying to figure him out.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
thanks guys
thank you for your responses.... my alanon sponsor and i have been working on the reasons why i ended up here and I am taking accountability for not seeing the red flags or ignoring them. I have posted on the friends and family site and a member suggested that I post here to get some insight..thats all I was doing... again...thank you for your responses
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