Officially hit a new low
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: South Africa
Posts: 168
Ambuler, I'm not sure if you remember me. I use to go by the name Zeekie. There was a time when I relapsed and you helped to encourage me a lot. I too have driven under the influence (with my kids in the car) to get more alcohol. Luckily I made a U-turn and went back home.
This disease is very complicated but for me there came a time when I just had enough. The months leading up to my new sober date I was already not feeling alcohol anymore. I drank but I didn't enjoy what it was making me into.
My last drink was on my son's birthday. I was the most drunk of all the women at my own son's party. That day was my aha moment. I hardly spent any time with him because I was too busy running up and down to the bottle of wine.
You just have to play the story out in your head when you want to drink. Ask yourself what will happen after that first glass. If you're anything like me, you'll have another (swearing it's your last glass) and before you know it you're driving to get more.
Truly alcohol is nothing but bad for you. I do still crave but right now (early days) but I do so much more sober. I mean I actually find time to read books right now. My evenings are more calmer. I might even start regular exercising someday lol.
You deserve to not feel this way. You deserve to greet each day with a clear mind and a grateful heart. I am rooting for you and I'm so glad you came back.
This disease is very complicated but for me there came a time when I just had enough. The months leading up to my new sober date I was already not feeling alcohol anymore. I drank but I didn't enjoy what it was making me into.
My last drink was on my son's birthday. I was the most drunk of all the women at my own son's party. That day was my aha moment. I hardly spent any time with him because I was too busy running up and down to the bottle of wine.
You just have to play the story out in your head when you want to drink. Ask yourself what will happen after that first glass. If you're anything like me, you'll have another (swearing it's your last glass) and before you know it you're driving to get more.
Truly alcohol is nothing but bad for you. I do still crave but right now (early days) but I do so much more sober. I mean I actually find time to read books right now. My evenings are more calmer. I might even start regular exercising someday lol.
You deserve to not feel this way. You deserve to greet each day with a clear mind and a grateful heart. I am rooting for you and I'm so glad you came back.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Well. That wasn't a good move in any way.
But you know that.
So, this will stop and your life will get a lot better when you choose sobriety instead.
It's that simple.
Easier than driving to the store for booze, in actual fact.
But you know that.
So, this will stop and your life will get a lot better when you choose sobriety instead.
It's that simple.
Easier than driving to the store for booze, in actual fact.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Originally Posted by Ambuler 
I just drove after finishing the bottom half of a 1.5 liter bottle of wine to get more beer.
Thanks be to God I made it home safely.
And I just looked at the pizza order I just submitted online and now realize the pizza I meant to be half Hawaiian and half chicken and spinach is actually half chicken and half ham, pineapple, and spinach. Yum.
God I just want this to be over.
I'm not posting this for sympathy or responses. I truly feel the absolute ridiculousness of this addiction to this liquid poison needs to be put out there.
I hate this.
Thanks be to God I made it home safely.
And I just looked at the pizza order I just submitted online and now realize the pizza I meant to be half Hawaiian and half chicken and spinach is actually half chicken and half ham, pineapple, and spinach. Yum.
God I just want this to be over.
I'm not posting this for sympathy or responses. I truly feel the absolute ridiculousness of this addiction to this liquid poison needs to be put out there.
I hate this.
We who have escaped the death spiral are not special in anyway, simply run of the mill ex drunks. Anyone who makes the decision to get sober and places it first in their lives can achieve sobriety. A therapist can help drill down into the why's certainly, but day by day I had to take the action of putting the plug in the jug and not put myself or others in harm anymore. I had to ask for help and became willing to go to any lengths to get it.
Glad you're here - the shame and guilt we all felt can indeed be replaced by hope and joy.........
Adventurer
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Tuxedo Park, NY
Posts: 1,101
You need to build up time, "sober tine" so you can heal. It does take a lot of work to get the time to build but your body will heal. Eventually you will feel better than you have in a long time.
The one thing time does not heal is a death from drunk driving, no matter how much time goes by.
Start the healing now before you wind up in a bad situation and take it one day at a time.
The one thing time does not heal is a death from drunk driving, no matter how much time goes by.
Start the healing now before you wind up in a bad situation and take it one day at a time.
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Originally Posted by Ambuler
I appreciate the responses.
Yes I suppose my tolerance is pretty high.
Yes I suppose my tolerance is pretty high.
I used the part of your quote that I did for a reason. I also supposed my tolerance was high too. I am very careful about not getting behind the wheel of a car when I shouldn't. I always gauged my current state when I turned the key as to whether I had any business driving.
On a particular day I got into my car and I am being 100% completely honest with you when I tell you that when I turned that key I had all my faculties. I had no qualms about going where I was headed then heading home. I remember the first 10 minutes of the ride. In one split second, and without any warning, I went into a blackout/greyout stage where I remember small bits and pieces of things. There have been multiple people who think that someone spiked my drink but I won't allow that excuse to happen. If I had NO alcohol I wouldn't be in the situation I'm in. Suffice it to say I woke up on a cement floor in the detox unit of the jail. I can't offer info at this point but suffice it to say that the universe will forewarn you of things because what happened below had entered my mind many times and still I didn't pay attention.
When you get into a vehicle with any amount of alcohol in your system you have a lot more to consider than if you think you're fine and can make it to your destination. Lots of things can happen. Someone can step out into your path or they can run into you and if they are a pedestrian or on a bicycle, and even if they're ok it won't matter. If you have an inkling of alcohol in your system you will have hell to pay. It doesn't matter what any of the circumstances are or what your BAC is. They have the right of way. Thank God what happened was minor but that's not my point. I am in a world of crap because of it, court coming up this week.
So, never count on or bet that you can drive based on how you feel. I am very careful and that didn't matter. Because anything can happen at any given moment. All I can say is I found my true rock bottom after having quit many times. Thank God no one died.
What really amazes me is how many people (even normie drinkers) that are aware of this situation have said to me "That could have been me driving!".
Don't let yourself get there. Never assume you are ok to drive. Better yet, get rid of the substance that requires that you even have to take it into consideration.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,805
LadyBlue said:
When you get into a vehicle with any amount of alcohol in your system you have a lot more to consider than if you think you're fine and can make it to your destination. Lots of things can happen. Someone can step out into your path or they can run into you and if they are a pedestrian or on a bicycle, and even if they're ok it won't matter. If you have an inkling of alcohol in your system you will have hell to pay. It doesn't matter what any of the circumstances are or what your BAC is. They have the right of way. Thank God what happened was minor but that's not my point. I am in a world of crap because of it, court coming up this week.
This is so true. Even if you really believe you are OK to drive, anything can happen and if you have ANY alcohol in your system, you are screwed. My rock bottom came when I got my 3rd DUI a little over a year and a half ago. I plowed into a parked car about a block from my house. I had had 3 glasses of wine, and was barely feeling it. My tolerance had gotten high. I thought I was fine to go the mile to my house. I got distracted by my phone, and that was it. While I was getting arrested, knowing I was in the biggest trouble of my life, I made the decision that I was quitting. Oh, I had said that before, and even managed a few weeks here and there. But the difference this time was that I made a decision to GET HELP immediately. I called a friend who I knew was in AA. He took me to a meeting the next day. I also called an outpatient treatment center right away and was in treatment within a week.
Have you considered treatment? I don't know if I could have gotten sober on my own, without treatment, AA, and tons of support from family and friends. I am grateful every day that I reached out for help and surrendered.
When you get into a vehicle with any amount of alcohol in your system you have a lot more to consider than if you think you're fine and can make it to your destination. Lots of things can happen. Someone can step out into your path or they can run into you and if they are a pedestrian or on a bicycle, and even if they're ok it won't matter. If you have an inkling of alcohol in your system you will have hell to pay. It doesn't matter what any of the circumstances are or what your BAC is. They have the right of way. Thank God what happened was minor but that's not my point. I am in a world of crap because of it, court coming up this week.
This is so true. Even if you really believe you are OK to drive, anything can happen and if you have ANY alcohol in your system, you are screwed. My rock bottom came when I got my 3rd DUI a little over a year and a half ago. I plowed into a parked car about a block from my house. I had had 3 glasses of wine, and was barely feeling it. My tolerance had gotten high. I thought I was fine to go the mile to my house. I got distracted by my phone, and that was it. While I was getting arrested, knowing I was in the biggest trouble of my life, I made the decision that I was quitting. Oh, I had said that before, and even managed a few weeks here and there. But the difference this time was that I made a decision to GET HELP immediately. I called a friend who I knew was in AA. He took me to a meeting the next day. I also called an outpatient treatment center right away and was in treatment within a week.
Have you considered treatment? I don't know if I could have gotten sober on my own, without treatment, AA, and tons of support from family and friends. I am grateful every day that I reached out for help and surrendered.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Originally Posted by Ambuler
God I just want this to be over.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
How are you doing this morning Ambuler? Like the others have said, keep coming back here, or going to AA, or standing on one leg on the street corner if it keeps you from drinking.
You've got to take the initiative and lay down the law with yourself. This isn't easy, it's down right hard as sh*t. It's the single toughest life altering decision I have ever made for myself. That being said, it is by far the best life altering decision I have ever or will ever make.
You've woken up today in your home under your own terms, not in a jail cell, not broken, not mangled or worse yet, having killed an innocent person.
You're very lucky waking up this way this morning. It's your choice on how you live your day today. I can tell you truly want to quit, but you need to get over that hump. The only thing I can tell you is use any and all resources you have to help you not drink today. Use your own will power. You might think it is impossible, but it isn't. You can absolutely squash the thoughts of drinking before acting on them. They are only thoughts, you never have to drink again if you don't want to.
As soon as you start thinking of drinking, play it forward in your mind. Use your own mental tools to realize where that one drink will take you and how you will feel tomorrow. On the contrary, think to yourself how great you will if you don't drink, how productive you will be, how much happier and healthier you will be.
Reach out to us before drinking, talk to your husband, go to church or to AA, what ever you need to do... do it and don't drink today.
We are proud of you for coming back to the community.
You've got to take the initiative and lay down the law with yourself. This isn't easy, it's down right hard as sh*t. It's the single toughest life altering decision I have ever made for myself. That being said, it is by far the best life altering decision I have ever or will ever make.
You've woken up today in your home under your own terms, not in a jail cell, not broken, not mangled or worse yet, having killed an innocent person.
You're very lucky waking up this way this morning. It's your choice on how you live your day today. I can tell you truly want to quit, but you need to get over that hump. The only thing I can tell you is use any and all resources you have to help you not drink today. Use your own will power. You might think it is impossible, but it isn't. You can absolutely squash the thoughts of drinking before acting on them. They are only thoughts, you never have to drink again if you don't want to.
As soon as you start thinking of drinking, play it forward in your mind. Use your own mental tools to realize where that one drink will take you and how you will feel tomorrow. On the contrary, think to yourself how great you will if you don't drink, how productive you will be, how much happier and healthier you will be.
Reach out to us before drinking, talk to your husband, go to church or to AA, what ever you need to do... do it and don't drink today.
We are proud of you for coming back to the community.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Originally Posted by 2muchpain
Yes, keep coming back here no matter what. People here know what you're going through. And no; you don't sound pathetic at all. Maybe talk with your doctor about your options. If you're not comfortable with that, talk with someone at a detox or treatment center and see what they offer. You might be surprised at all the choices you have. Gotta do it Ambuler. Just no way around it. John
I had to just quit, full stop. I was so, so sick - please do not keep going because you WILL face dire consequences, whether to yourself or others (or both) at this rate.
I wasn't able to get the nerve to ASK those who would, to help me- I had a wonderful dr give me the greatest sh*t talk and wake up EVER. So you have anyone in your personal life you can call? To be with you (so you don't get more, even if just for today? ER? I am NOT kidding with that suggestion. You sound like you need immediate physical help. It will help the first days of withdrawal if you need it; I detoxed at home and only recommend if a last resort - but you sound very similar to me in tolerance and consumption.
AA meeting- uber, get a ride, whatever - possible? Even if you just sit there and it is one less hour you don't drink.
My heart goes out to you.
You have to decide to do this and start the process, crappy (really crappy) likely start and all.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Oak Creek, WI
Posts: 517
I like the comment " lay down the law with yourself" I too had built up quite a tolerance as well, and would often drive to the gas station when I knew I shouldn't, but it was close and I took the back way so that made it ok, right? ( uhm... no)
I detoxed at home by myself, and the only thing that kept me going was "laying down the law" and the willpower I suddenly had to quit drinking. It was the hardest thing I ever did and it SUCKED big time, but I knew it was either continue the path I was on and die ( I suffer from severe nerve damage from alcohol abuse) or quit and live. I chose life, and you can too!
It wont be easy, I am sure all will agree, but the benefits in the long run are soooooooooo worth it!
Best of luck to you! Read and post often on SR, there are a ton of good people on here and lots of resources.
I detoxed at home by myself, and the only thing that kept me going was "laying down the law" and the willpower I suddenly had to quit drinking. It was the hardest thing I ever did and it SUCKED big time, but I knew it was either continue the path I was on and die ( I suffer from severe nerve damage from alcohol abuse) or quit and live. I chose life, and you can too!
It wont be easy, I am sure all will agree, but the benefits in the long run are soooooooooo worth it!
Best of luck to you! Read and post often on SR, there are a ton of good people on here and lots of resources.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 709
Hi Ambular, hope you're doing ok. I just wanted to chime in and say that detox was no big deal to me. At rehab, they gave us some librium for a couple days and that did the trick. And some B vitamins, as alcohol depletes those. The worse thing I had was that I peed a lot and sometimes got the sweats at night. But that was very manageable and didn't last. Could you find a place to detox? It will be a lot more comfortable than attempting it at home! I couldn't get with AA or 12 Steps but if it works for you, definitely go back to meetings!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
I'm sorry you're hurting.
Please know that there is hope for every alcoholic/addict to achieve sobriety and live in recovery.
Others have shared insightful feedback regarding your situation. The only thing I'd add is that you mentioned your confidentiality with regard to your specific location. Confidentiality is a key issue for us here and I do suggest that if your avatar is a picture of yourself, you may want to consider a new image as this site is publicly available to anyone online.
Please know that there is hope for every alcoholic/addict to achieve sobriety and live in recovery.
Others have shared insightful feedback regarding your situation. The only thing I'd add is that you mentioned your confidentiality with regard to your specific location. Confidentiality is a key issue for us here and I do suggest that if your avatar is a picture of yourself, you may want to consider a new image as this site is publicly available to anyone online.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Arizona
Posts: 184
Oh my goodness, where do I begin..
I have to start by saying I am in absolute awe at the amount of replies I received. Such good advice, such raw openness and rebuke...
God is so good.
My counselor got back to me and I have an appointment tomorrow evening. In my correspondence to him I let him know that my main concern is that I make a plan to stop drinking. He's familiar with my struggle with alcohol, and he was happy that I reached out. I have a feeling he was sort of waiting for this, as it's been over a year since I stopped going to counseling.
I bought more wine today and am almost done with the bottle (1.5 lt) so yes, I drank today. Too many issues with my husband, who isn't in any place to begin to understand what I'm going through, it seems. How could he be?
Withdrawal is something I'm beginning to realize I'm just going to have to go through. I hope, perhaps, my counselor may have an idea of how or where I can go through this safely and effectively. My husband works 60-80+ hours a week, so I'm home with our 3 year old most of the time. He feels that I need to be focused on the household responsibilities, which I understand to a point, but it just makes it that much harder to do.
Tomorrow is a new day. The booze will be gone and I have my appointment at 5:30 in the evening so I can't drink. I won't drink. The great thing is I respect this counselor so much that I wouldn't show up after drinking. Hopefully tomorrow can be day 1.
Thank you all again. What a beautiful bunch you are.
I'll check in tomorrow.
I have to start by saying I am in absolute awe at the amount of replies I received. Such good advice, such raw openness and rebuke...
God is so good.
My counselor got back to me and I have an appointment tomorrow evening. In my correspondence to him I let him know that my main concern is that I make a plan to stop drinking. He's familiar with my struggle with alcohol, and he was happy that I reached out. I have a feeling he was sort of waiting for this, as it's been over a year since I stopped going to counseling.
I bought more wine today and am almost done with the bottle (1.5 lt) so yes, I drank today. Too many issues with my husband, who isn't in any place to begin to understand what I'm going through, it seems. How could he be?
Withdrawal is something I'm beginning to realize I'm just going to have to go through. I hope, perhaps, my counselor may have an idea of how or where I can go through this safely and effectively. My husband works 60-80+ hours a week, so I'm home with our 3 year old most of the time. He feels that I need to be focused on the household responsibilities, which I understand to a point, but it just makes it that much harder to do.
Tomorrow is a new day. The booze will be gone and I have my appointment at 5:30 in the evening so I can't drink. I won't drink. The great thing is I respect this counselor so much that I wouldn't show up after drinking. Hopefully tomorrow can be day 1.
Thank you all again. What a beautiful bunch you are.
I'll check in tomorrow.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 319
Originally Posted by Ambuler
Oh my goodness, where do I begin..
I have to start by saying I am in absolute awe at the amount of replies I received. Such good advice, such raw openness and rebuke...
God is so good.
My counselor got back to me and I have an appointment tomorrow evening. In my correspondence to him I let him know that my main concern is that I make a plan to stop drinking. He's familiar with my struggle with alcohol, and he was happy that I reached out. I have a feeling he was sort of waiting for this, as it's been over a year since I stopped going to counseling.
I bought more wine today and am almost done with the bottle (1.5 lt) so yes, I drank today. Too many issues with my husband, who isn't in any place to begin to understand what I'm going through, it seems. How could he be?
Withdrawal is something I'm beginning to realize I'm just going to have to go through. I hope, perhaps, my counselor may have an idea of how or where I can go through this safely and effectively. My husband works 60-80+ hours a week, so I'm home with our 3 year old most of the time. He feels that I need to be focused on the household responsibilities, which I understand to a point, but it just makes it that much harder to do.
Tomorrow is a new day. The booze will be gone and I have my appointment at 5:30 in the evening so I can't drink. I won't drink. The great thing is I respect this counselor so much that I wouldn't show up after drinking. Hopefully tomorrow can be day 1.
Thank you all again. What a beautiful bunch you are.
I'll check in tomorrow.
I have to start by saying I am in absolute awe at the amount of replies I received. Such good advice, such raw openness and rebuke...
God is so good.
My counselor got back to me and I have an appointment tomorrow evening. In my correspondence to him I let him know that my main concern is that I make a plan to stop drinking. He's familiar with my struggle with alcohol, and he was happy that I reached out. I have a feeling he was sort of waiting for this, as it's been over a year since I stopped going to counseling.
I bought more wine today and am almost done with the bottle (1.5 lt) so yes, I drank today. Too many issues with my husband, who isn't in any place to begin to understand what I'm going through, it seems. How could he be?
Withdrawal is something I'm beginning to realize I'm just going to have to go through. I hope, perhaps, my counselor may have an idea of how or where I can go through this safely and effectively. My husband works 60-80+ hours a week, so I'm home with our 3 year old most of the time. He feels that I need to be focused on the household responsibilities, which I understand to a point, but it just makes it that much harder to do.
Tomorrow is a new day. The booze will be gone and I have my appointment at 5:30 in the evening so I can't drink. I won't drink. The great thing is I respect this counselor so much that I wouldn't show up after drinking. Hopefully tomorrow can be day 1.
Thank you all again. What a beautiful bunch you are.
I'll check in tomorrow.
It's funny how our AV makes us think we can get away with anything, but that is a lie. The AV seeks only to destroy our lives and the lives of others. It is the "lives of others" part that made me really re-think my drinking habits.
About a month ago, my cousin's best friend was drunk and heading back to the liquor store when he ran a stop sign and killed a 24 year old special needs teacher. A young and promising life extinguished just so he could buy some more alcohol. Can't imagine how he felt when he woke up in jail the next day. We are often appalled by the things we do while drunk, but this would be the absolute worst I think. I don't want to ever go through that and I hope you don't either.
The only way to prevent that from happening is just to not pick up. The one thing we can be absolutely certain of is that we will hit more horrific lows if we continue on our paths of destruction and it all starts with that one drink.
Best of luck to you Ambuler.
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