Endeavor

(Repeat Post - Deleted)

Endeavor

Throughout the day, I've been checking back and re-read all posts and I really appreciate the responses. It's motivating and I think it's interesting some of you have been here a long time, living sober but still check back to reply on posts such as mine.

It helps me to understand that many you are living right and enjoying life to it's fullest being sober. You know you have a problem, yet still check in on some internet forum to reflect, reaffirm or offer advise just because you care for other people's well being.

I think that is part of my reluctance to just allow life without it completely. Accepting there is a problem means, there is a road ahead. In one of the posts someone had the tagline, "the obstacle is the path" and anything I've ever accomplished took solid work. This should be no different.

As for tonight, I just finished doing yard work and downed my last weekend's bottle. Yes, I know it's Monday; but there was enough to have an effect and I didn't want it in the house any longer. God knows I could never throw it out, just a measure of my weakness in self control.

I'm headed up to take a shower and a shave, it'll help the way I look and feel. Tomorrow, begins 2 months no booze and I will accomplish it. After that time, instead of counting down the clock, which admittedly I've felt just before deadline, I will check back here and perhaps learn something further.

Thank you all again for your advice and suggestions, it is most appreciated. When I have something more to offer, I'll be sure and do the same.

2muchpain

I hope when you said that you will check back means you will continue to read and post during those 2 months. I'm also the kind of person that likes to set deadlines. It's a great motivator for me. I've done it many times with drinking also. For me, whenever I would reach that deadline, like not drinking for a month, etc., the urge to drink would increase. Sometimes I would give in, other times I would fight the urge for a week or so, then set another deadline and go for that. I will be at 8 months tomorrow and am thinking that 9 months would be even better so I'm setting my sights on that. Besides, I haven't had a sober June or July in many many years, so.... All mind games but it's been working for me. I know there are better ways to quit drinking, but it's the only one that makes sense to me right now. Reading posts daily on SR is a big help with this. So, you're not alone with this sort of thinking (other than I know trying to moderate is a joke for me). Good luck. John

Dee74

It's a leap of faith endeavour - to leap into life without that alcohol safety net...but many of us here have done it.

I guarantee none of us would still be sober if we felt we lost out on the deal.

we all bring our own uniqueness to the table for sure, but the common element of any lasting recovery plan is to quit drinking.

That's where it all starts

D

QuestTribe

Crazy that this is basically my exact story at the moment. I had been sober for almost three months and have had a couple backslides as of late.

What tears me up is how all the good i have done can be wiped away in minutes. I tend to get very verbally assaultive when drunk, and months of near perfect relationship with my gf can be completely unraveled.

Guess I broke up with her yesterday, and i think i may have done myself in for good with that one this time. Planned on spending our lives together, been remodeling my house so she could move in, and had some business ideas in the works. All went poof in a few hours.

Such is life. Only thing i can do now is keep on my better path and pray i figure out how to make it all come back

scintillady

I could never throw it away either. If it was there I would have to finish it. I could never even fathom how people could drink half a glass of wine and leave the rest, or have a bottle of wine in the fridge for a couple of days and not drink the whole thing. When I was cutting down and would drink only one bottle of wine a night instead of my 2 or 3, before I decided to quit entirely, I would get one bottle every night on my way home from work. On the rare occasions I would decide to get 2 bottles in order to save a trip, I would tell myself I would save the second bottle for the next night but I always ended up drinking both of them. Now that I have been on antabuse for a couple years I can let my friends or boyfriend leave alcohol in my fridge and not get tempted because I know I can't drink it anyway, but I realize that if I could drink it, I would.

Endeavor

We think in similar ways. The first time I started taking a 2-3 month hiatus from booze, it was a real struggle. I read a good book about sober living and looked over this site just about every night before sleep on my phone before I had an account. It definitely helped to know I was not alone. I did that because I was thinking about it constantly. Once I reached the goal of being able to do a solid 2 months, it became a lot easier. Now I talk about it openly, 3-4 days of don't pester me because I'm detoxing; then it subsides. I don't even think much about it at home or events once I'm committed. It's just how I'm wired. Those months also fly by and I'm sure you've woken up more than a few times and been like, wow, it's so nice not to be hungover.

I'm just beginning to be aware of and understand a problem I may have with being afraid of true success. Even though by any measure, I have a very enriched life I have worked hard for; I can do better. I think I use alcohol to dull my ambition and all the anxiety that naturally comes along with it. That's the reward, when things are going really well; I take shotgun because, hey I deserve it. At first like I said earlier, I enjoy it. Then it gets debilitating and find myself picking up bottle of this, bottle of that for an entire month. What a total f'n joke.

I'm working on it and the older I get the worse I feel about and from my lapses. It's a problem, that's why I'm here chatting about it and I appreciate the words.

Dharma33

Some can relax with a glass or two of wine, though I've never met anyone who actually does that; but I keep reading those people do exist

Sure, they exist- but those of us here for our alcoholism aren't in line with that type of drinker.

I didn't notice "normal" drinkers at the time though, since I surrounded myself with people who drank like me.

Every time I tried to moderate I was miserable; just my experience.

I used to think I wanted to enjoy a glass or two of wine. I believed my own BS for a long time....What I really wanted every time I drank was an entire bottle or two. What's the point of one drink for us?

Glad you are here; this is a great place for support.

2muchpain

This is not my thread and don't want to distract people from the OP, but I think it's worth saying that even taking a leap of faith requires a certain amount of trust. Maybe that's something the OP is also dealing with. Right now I'm arguing with myself over what I just said, but maybe that's a start (or just a way to keep the door open?). John

Soberween

I learned the hard way that it is easier to stay sober than to get sober. I too did the six months on and off for a few years. I basically kept doing the hardest part (getting sober) over and over again. I finally got off that craptastic roller coaster and have been living happy, joyous and freely sober for quite a few years now.

Berrybean

My last few years were spent doing these crazy month off stints (I thought they proved that I wasn't alcoholic. Actually they pretty much prove, in hindsight, that I am). Each time I'd tell myself I'd get nice and 'clean' then start up again, but [I]this[I] time would be different. I'd come up with a new scheme or plan that would surely keep me on the straight and narrow, and make me drink like a normal person and stop it spiralling out of control. And every time those months off got slightly more difficult, until I wasn't even managing them any more. And each time my new plan for moderation lasted a couple of days, and alcohol became my puppet master just as it had for decades.

Finally something happened to bring about the special kind of desperate that I needed to be to find acceptance and willingness to resolve never again in a way that had no real words to it because it came from inside of me. The rationalization stopped. I just could, do not drink any longer. Like all alcoholics, when I am active in my addiction, my life quickly becomes unmanageable. And for a while, as long as there is booze, I don't even care much if that's the case - what I even notice or acknowledge of the problem anyway. But then the fear, anxiety, self-loathing, and anger creep up on me and I DO care but can see no way out that doesn't involve stopping the drinking. The difference that last time was that I'd lost my last little shred of dignity and self-respect, and something told me that to go back to it would mean there was no coming back, and I wanted where I was to be my rock bottom. Badly. I didn't want to keep digging.

Do you consider yourself an alcoholic.? Or another way of looking at it. Does alcohol make your life unmanageable? If so, why stay locked in the battle. Acceptance means that we can concede defeat over the battle with active alcoholism and walk away relatively unscathed, and Willingness means that we can opt instead for recovery and serenity, and all areas of our lives getting better.

fantail

This is a big realization. One of the many roots of my drinking was this need to dull my own drive. I was/am afraid of some of my real ambitions, and I tried to convince myself to be happy without pursuing them. I'm still wrapping my brain around the implications of my sobriety and the things I'm going to have to start working on in order to be satisfied.

Anyway glad you're here and working things through! I'm coming up on a year but it wasn't a straight shot for me. I hang out on this site before I go to bed because it helps me to close each day remembering my priorities. The support here is incredible.

Endeavor

Thanks all, getting by ok.

LostLilly

You can do this!! You have done it!! It's not easy but you will be happier, proud, and truly present as a Dad. I am a mom and totally get the cycle and feelings!! Talking to others (AA and here) have helped so much because they can relate when others can't. One day at s time and you will soon be back on track and feeling good again!!



Lilly

Endeavor

Thanks Lilly, you are right on all counts. Day 4, irritability has passed, sleep and "my duties" are getting back to normal. Another week I should be back on track.

I will need to come up with a way to remind myself, it's not ok to jump on the booze cruise after a few months of being at my best. All of sudden, my home becomes all inclusive resort; eating too much and pounding drinks on extended holiday.

I'm trying my best to bury that self destructive side of myself. It's summer and we'll be doing a lot of great things together, which will help. This forum is a powerful motivator beyond books and there are many people like you who's time and words I both empathize with and sincerely appreciate.

Thanks again and be well.

Endeavor

Had a good night's sleep and running around early morning getting things done around the house for a BBQ I'm hosting tomorrow. Yes, alcohol will be there, no doubt brought by a few of my old friends. Thankfully, we're old enough not to pressure each other; that ended a decade ago when drinking with friends seemed important.

First week off is always the toughest. On the drive home this morning from the butcher, I caught myself considering would 1 or 2 light beers be that bad tomorrow? Hey man, it's not liquor, won't do much damage; then you can just continue as planned, right? I shook my head and smiled as I clearly identified my inner evil buddy trying to hang on from starving.

He's a clever little bastard and knows just when to plant his opinion. His cries fall on deaf ears quickly and moans less often after continually choosing to ignore him.

I'm on a 2 month break and will revisit my motives when I pass that checkpoint. For those of you on week one, I get it. Stay strong and remember the goal, remember the hole.

Dee74

Do you have a recovery plan Endeavour?

There are some great ideas here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

D

Endeavor

The plan is to stop drinking in excess for a period of time, after a long period of time not drinking. I need to focus on self control and get my butt in check. I'm not one for moderation, specifically meaning to have 2 drinks and relax; I really don't see the point of that. I can relax after a night at the gym, which is way more help than a few glasses every other day.

When I drink it's more like an event, it used to be at events, but somewhere along the line that line blurred; then it pushed on for a month. That is something I no longer wish to do. I'd like to get back to a place when I had a good night every few weeks and that was the end of it. I've lived that way for many years albeit, those night were hard, but nothing devastating.

I need to break my bad habits and get it back in line with my lifestyle, without excess drinking to remain productive. I feel a need to take months at a time off more recently, because I've been more self destructive than usual. It creeps up on me if I consistently drink, but that's the addictive nature of alcohol. It's terrible in that way. I look at it like smoking. You have a few cigars a month, it's not a big deal and can be enjoyed. If you continue smoking to much, the nicotine grips you and then you're picking up packs of cigarettes because they and booze are highly addictive.