Teaching this Old Dog New Tricks
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 71
Teaching this Old Dog New Tricks
I quit posting here a couple of years ago, which I guess was one way to cling on to my disease (dis -ease) all of this time. And so - I find myself here again after hitting what certainly, finally, feels like my rock bottom? (Can it be your rock bottom if you have to ask?)
They say doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. Well put me in a straight-jacket because somehow I've always listened to that Alcoholic Voice in my head telling me that this time it will "be different," that I can drink for "just a little longer," that I can have "just one," or that I can stop "later."
The thing is - why am I delaying my happiness until 'later'?
I KNOW that I always end up in this sad place and yet I keep trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Insane.
I have made some progress at least, in other ways, since I skipped out on my sobriety. I'm trying to be kind to myself lately and remind myself of my successes rather than my failures:
I found the right therapist for me.
I learned about BPD, which puts everything - my substance abuse, my depression, etc - into a perspective that makes sense.
I have finally starting dealing with my childhood abuse and sitting with the pain and grieving, instead of just burying it.*
I have gone low contact with my mother, and a few other co-dependent and/or toxic family members.
I have been reading a ton of books - searching, thinking, making connections.
I have kicked coffee. Geez! If I can do that, I should be able to kick booze! :p
*The thing about sitting with the pain is that it wasn't a choice, really. It feels more like - the pain became SO BIG that I could no longer keep it silent with alcohol. My drinking, and now pot use, has of course become worse in the past two years - in an attempt to knock myself out for as much time as I can. But no matter how much I've increased it, I cannot ignore the part of me that is YELLING for me to do something differently.
My job is finally suffering. (But I'm not happy with my job, and haven't been for a while - I realize now this contributed to my problem).
My marriage is on the rocks - we have been quasi-separated for over a year and are now talking divorce (but I realize there are a lot of things about my marriage that I was unhappy with - and again, I drank instead of addressing them).
So: my therapist has me starting from the ground up. Trying to answer who I am and what I want out of life...what I want to spend my time and energy and talent on.
Through all of this - I have not been able to stop my dependency on alcohol and pot. I have justified it every which way, as I'm sure many of you are familiar with, but I can no longer afford to do that. I can't keep putting off my own happiness. I can't keep killing myself, wasting my life, slowly - day by day, drink by drink.
I used to be able to do 30 days...I even did another 30 while I was MIA here - about a year ago. But I haven't been able to do it this time. So...here I am. Despite the shame, and feeling like a 'failure,' - - I need some kind of support.
Today is Day 1.
Thanks for reading. Be kind to yourself today. <3
They say doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. Well put me in a straight-jacket because somehow I've always listened to that Alcoholic Voice in my head telling me that this time it will "be different," that I can drink for "just a little longer," that I can have "just one," or that I can stop "later."
The thing is - why am I delaying my happiness until 'later'?
I KNOW that I always end up in this sad place and yet I keep trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Insane.
I have made some progress at least, in other ways, since I skipped out on my sobriety. I'm trying to be kind to myself lately and remind myself of my successes rather than my failures:
I found the right therapist for me.
I learned about BPD, which puts everything - my substance abuse, my depression, etc - into a perspective that makes sense.
I have finally starting dealing with my childhood abuse and sitting with the pain and grieving, instead of just burying it.*
I have gone low contact with my mother, and a few other co-dependent and/or toxic family members.
I have been reading a ton of books - searching, thinking, making connections.
I have kicked coffee. Geez! If I can do that, I should be able to kick booze! :p
*The thing about sitting with the pain is that it wasn't a choice, really. It feels more like - the pain became SO BIG that I could no longer keep it silent with alcohol. My drinking, and now pot use, has of course become worse in the past two years - in an attempt to knock myself out for as much time as I can. But no matter how much I've increased it, I cannot ignore the part of me that is YELLING for me to do something differently.
My job is finally suffering. (But I'm not happy with my job, and haven't been for a while - I realize now this contributed to my problem).
My marriage is on the rocks - we have been quasi-separated for over a year and are now talking divorce (but I realize there are a lot of things about my marriage that I was unhappy with - and again, I drank instead of addressing them).
So: my therapist has me starting from the ground up. Trying to answer who I am and what I want out of life...what I want to spend my time and energy and talent on.
Through all of this - I have not been able to stop my dependency on alcohol and pot. I have justified it every which way, as I'm sure many of you are familiar with, but I can no longer afford to do that. I can't keep putting off my own happiness. I can't keep killing myself, wasting my life, slowly - day by day, drink by drink.
I used to be able to do 30 days...I even did another 30 while I was MIA here - about a year ago. But I haven't been able to do it this time. So...here I am. Despite the shame, and feeling like a 'failure,' - - I need some kind of support.
Today is Day 1.
Thanks for reading. Be kind to yourself today. <3
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
Glad you're back BB
I also kept thinking I could moderate, but I couldn't in the end.
Today for me is my sixth month anniversary from my last moderation relapse.
I know I feel better sober, and I finally think I wanted it bad enough to
really give up the idea I could ever drink alcohol for any reason at any time.
That was tough, but I just sat with it and now it's feeling good.
When you're ready, and it sounds like you are, it is do-able.
Posting and reading here helps a lot--you know you aren't alone.
The childhood pain was the start of my drinking same as you,
and I drowned it in booze for years, until, like you said,
it got too big to stuff.
Feeling it and healing it seems to be working--
I think you will get it this time because you're doing the heavy work.
Welcome back
I also kept thinking I could moderate, but I couldn't in the end.
Today for me is my sixth month anniversary from my last moderation relapse.
I know I feel better sober, and I finally think I wanted it bad enough to
really give up the idea I could ever drink alcohol for any reason at any time.
That was tough, but I just sat with it and now it's feeling good.
When you're ready, and it sounds like you are, it is do-able.
Posting and reading here helps a lot--you know you aren't alone.
The childhood pain was the start of my drinking same as you,
and I drowned it in booze for years, until, like you said,
it got too big to stuff.
Feeling it and healing it seems to be working--
I think you will get it this time because you're doing the heavy work.
Welcome back
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
welcome back, BB.
finally knowing and believing that it will never be different was the turning point for me.
that 'faint hope clause' of "maybe just one", or "this time i'll try harder" or "just one more time and then..."...they kept me drinking for years.
when i finally could get honest about my own concrete real-life experience instead of my theories about it all, i could stop.
lots of support here.
got some kind of plan of action going?
finally knowing and believing that it will never be different was the turning point for me.
that 'faint hope clause' of "maybe just one", or "this time i'll try harder" or "just one more time and then..."...they kept me drinking for years.
when i finally could get honest about my own concrete real-life experience instead of my theories about it all, i could stop.
lots of support here.
got some kind of plan of action going?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 71
Thank you for reading, and for sharing with me!
^ This is where I want to be, hope to be. I know I can't have just one. I can't believe my Alcoholic Voice when it tells me otherwise - and I know it will. I am worried, of course, because my AV is such a bully/salesman/seducer/enabler/jerk and usually wins the arguments in my head.
BTW Congrats on your 6 months! Such a long time - it's an inspiring accomplishment!
I know all about that "faint hope" - I am so beyond tired of listening to it! Getting real with myself that I can't do this again and again and expect anything to be different is something I am going to have to reaffirm for myself every day - especially when I seem to be "doing better" and have a few weeks or a month under my belt.
I don't yet have a full action plan. Just the start of one, below - any suggestions are welcome!
- I want to come here at least once a day, every day, to mark my progress and accept the support/community.
- I did not like the AA mtgs I tried 2 years ago. But I only tried 2 of them - I should keep looking for one that is right for me instead of writing them off.
- I have been thinking/reading a lot of spiritual texts and that part of me has been reawakened. I plan to try an Agape service on Sunday - never been before but have heard good things.
-I know one thing that worked for me in the past was to fill up my evenings with activities. I have to do that or I am putting a roadblock in my way.
-I need to end a relationship with someone I love dearly, a drinking buddy whose own alcoholism is a huge stumbling block for me. I acknowledge I am too weak right now to withstand the pressure to drink. And there will be pressure. This one is going to be very hard for me, but a true friend would support my efforts to get healthy, not sabotage them.
So true.
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 
I know I feel better sober, and I finally think I wanted it bad enough to
really give up the idea I could ever drink alcohol for any reason at any time.
really give up the idea I could ever drink alcohol for any reason at any time.
BTW Congrats on your 6 months! Such a long time - it's an inspiring accomplishment!
Originally Posted by fini
welcome back, BB.
finally knowing and believing that it will never be different was the turning point for me.
that 'faint hope clause' of "maybe just one", or "this time i'll try harder" or "just one more time and then..."...they kept me drinking for years.
when i finally could get honest about my own concrete real-life experience instead of my theories about it all, i could stop.
lots of support here.
got some kind of plan of action going?
finally knowing and believing that it will never be different was the turning point for me.
that 'faint hope clause' of "maybe just one", or "this time i'll try harder" or "just one more time and then..."...they kept me drinking for years.
when i finally could get honest about my own concrete real-life experience instead of my theories about it all, i could stop.
lots of support here.
got some kind of plan of action going?
I don't yet have a full action plan. Just the start of one, below - any suggestions are welcome!
- I want to come here at least once a day, every day, to mark my progress and accept the support/community.
- I did not like the AA mtgs I tried 2 years ago. But I only tried 2 of them - I should keep looking for one that is right for me instead of writing them off.
- I have been thinking/reading a lot of spiritual texts and that part of me has been reawakened. I plan to try an Agape service on Sunday - never been before but have heard good things.
-I know one thing that worked for me in the past was to fill up my evenings with activities. I have to do that or I am putting a roadblock in my way.
-I need to end a relationship with someone I love dearly, a drinking buddy whose own alcoholism is a huge stumbling block for me. I acknowledge I am too weak right now to withstand the pressure to drink. And there will be pressure. This one is going to be very hard for me, but a true friend would support my efforts to get healthy, not sabotage them.
Originally Posted by Mountainmanbob
The old dog has to drop some of the old tricks so as to learn some new tricks.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Hi bb,
Imo...booze creates a fantasy world.
I lived in one for years. Today i am free.
The brain damage is immediate. It dissapates, but if you drink like me it never fully goes away unless sobriety is maintained for a good while.
Stay clean. It gets better.
Imo...booze creates a fantasy world.
I lived in one for years. Today i am free.
The brain damage is immediate. It dissapates, but if you drink like me it never fully goes away unless sobriety is maintained for a good while.
Stay clean. It gets better.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Glad to see you back BB.
You have a good list of things that could help. Which of those things are you willing to do today? Because any plan needs to be a plan of action . Like you say, why put it off? If I find myself starting a sentence about my recovery with 'I want to....' or 'I'm going to try to....' then I know from experience that it's unlikely to happen. I'm not really Willing. I'm just acknowledging what I think I should do. It's not really a statement of true intent. I don't know if you're the same, but it might be worth bearing it in mind. Intentions don't get us sober and well. Actions are key.
If you want more spiritual and solution based meetings I would suggest trying Big Book Study and / or 12 and 12 study meetings. The people at these tend to take their recovery, and that of their fellows very seriously, so you are likely to find a wise sponsor and solid support network by frequenting this kind of meeting. Other favourite meetings of mine are a Living Sober meeting, and Gratitudemeeting which has always got a good dollop of recovery focus. I don't know where you're based to look at the list of what's available, but its worth really looking properly at the schedule for your area, because although they get called different things, I have found that when any one of the AA texts is central to the meeting then the folk there are guided, through the very nature of the texts, to keep at least a partial focus on the solution. Some (not all) general share meetings can get quite problem focussed, which doesn't do me much good at all. If I'm going to recover, I need to hear people with healthy happy sobriety talk about their recovery so I can learn what they did and what they do to turn things around. Then I can try doing those things myself. Monkey see. Monkey do.
I'd also say that your first few times at any meeting is likely to seem a little daunting and stressful. Same as anything new. Just like the first few days at a new job or finding your way round a new city aren't too great an indication of what it will be like to be there longer term. Our AVs will not want you to go back anywhere that might get us sober, so we have to be prepared to give it a proper go whatever we 'feel'. I have learnt that my feelings aren't the be all and end all guide to the universe that I used to think they were. Often I feel fearful or anxious. My reaction has always been a good mix of instant fight and instant fight. But now I can see that very, very rarely is that fear helpful or sometimes isn't even really relevant to the situation I'm in. The fear is just holding me back, and the fighter flight just makes it a self-fulfilling prophecy. Often I feel angry, but usually nowadays, when I pause and don't velcro myself to that anger, I can see that it's fear led or see my part in things, and can work past it so I don't have to carry the burden of resentment through my day. Thankfully, for whatever reason, I managed to suspend judgement of AA meetings in the early days and kept coming back long enough to start listening and learning, and eventually find the willingness to try what those lovely people and the literature suggested.
Wishing you all the best for your recovery, through sobriety to serenity and freedom.
You have a good list of things that could help. Which of those things are you willing to do today? Because any plan needs to be a plan of action . Like you say, why put it off? If I find myself starting a sentence about my recovery with 'I want to....' or 'I'm going to try to....' then I know from experience that it's unlikely to happen. I'm not really Willing. I'm just acknowledging what I think I should do. It's not really a statement of true intent. I don't know if you're the same, but it might be worth bearing it in mind. Intentions don't get us sober and well. Actions are key.
If you want more spiritual and solution based meetings I would suggest trying Big Book Study and / or 12 and 12 study meetings. The people at these tend to take their recovery, and that of their fellows very seriously, so you are likely to find a wise sponsor and solid support network by frequenting this kind of meeting. Other favourite meetings of mine are a Living Sober meeting, and Gratitudemeeting which has always got a good dollop of recovery focus. I don't know where you're based to look at the list of what's available, but its worth really looking properly at the schedule for your area, because although they get called different things, I have found that when any one of the AA texts is central to the meeting then the folk there are guided, through the very nature of the texts, to keep at least a partial focus on the solution. Some (not all) general share meetings can get quite problem focussed, which doesn't do me much good at all. If I'm going to recover, I need to hear people with healthy happy sobriety talk about their recovery so I can learn what they did and what they do to turn things around. Then I can try doing those things myself. Monkey see. Monkey do.
I'd also say that your first few times at any meeting is likely to seem a little daunting and stressful. Same as anything new. Just like the first few days at a new job or finding your way round a new city aren't too great an indication of what it will be like to be there longer term. Our AVs will not want you to go back anywhere that might get us sober, so we have to be prepared to give it a proper go whatever we 'feel'. I have learnt that my feelings aren't the be all and end all guide to the universe that I used to think they were. Often I feel fearful or anxious. My reaction has always been a good mix of instant fight and instant fight. But now I can see that very, very rarely is that fear helpful or sometimes isn't even really relevant to the situation I'm in. The fear is just holding me back, and the fighter flight just makes it a self-fulfilling prophecy. Often I feel angry, but usually nowadays, when I pause and don't velcro myself to that anger, I can see that it's fear led or see my part in things, and can work past it so I don't have to carry the burden of resentment through my day. Thankfully, for whatever reason, I managed to suspend judgement of AA meetings in the early days and kept coming back long enough to start listening and learning, and eventually find the willingness to try what those lovely people and the literature suggested.
Wishing you all the best for your recovery, through sobriety to serenity and freedom.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
alcohol NEVER worked at quieting my mind- it never took away past difficulties. if it did, then i wouldn't have gotten all jacked up when I wasn't drinking.
100% complete surrender, then allowing myself to feel the feelings while lookin at my past and the causes and conditions for everything, remembering all along alcohol was no longer a solution, worked great.
i haven't drank since and am at peace.
100% complete surrender, then allowing myself to feel the feelings while lookin at my past and the causes and conditions for everything, remembering all along alcohol was no longer a solution, worked great.
i haven't drank since and am at peace.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by tomsteve
100% complete surrender
i haven't drank since and am at peace.
Complete deflation of the EGO.
A firm decision to stop drinking.
Have had no desire since.
Mountainman
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 71
Thank you folks for reading, and for your encouraging responses. How did I forget what a good feeling it is to share with people who get it and who have been there? I am smiling / feeling blessed / so grateful.
I think it is helpful to read, and reread, and read again things like this, things that I know but have chosen to forget for years at a time:
Thank you both for this. I used to be very cynical about the spiritual part of AA - or more specifically my misinterpretation of the surrender part. I thought that it was a weak thing to do - surrender - that it was somehow an abdication of power. Also - I think I thought of "Higher Power" as something necessarily wholly outside of myself - and that also made me uncomfortable.
But one of the books I've been reading, Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now", has surprisingly (at least to me, ha) shifted/deepened my perspective on the concepts of Ego and Surrender and Higher Power.
It's caused me to understand the concept of "surrender" as simply acceptance of what is.
If I can accept that I CANNOT drink "just one" without ending up here every frackin time - - - then that is surrendering to it - that is accepting what is instead of stubbornly resisting, which I guess has been a big MO of mine. So, I am choosing acceptance over resistance. And that alone - that shift in perspective to realize that resisting REALLY IS HARDER than acceptance, is a huge weight off!
It's kind of like: what kind of mental gymnastics have I been doing all of this time to think that drinking-as-a-solution-to-pain-or-boredom was somehow easier? It's not! I have been making my life so much harder! Drinking is not the easy way out - drinking is the stubborn, self-hating, resisting, bull-headed, much more difficult and unhappy way to ease pain. LOL. It's so obvious from this new perspective that I have to laugh at myself.
The other thing about the Tolle book that I loved was that it helped me to understand the concept of a Higher Power not as some anthropomorphized God in the sky who is completely separate from me (that concept of God has never worked for me though I know it works for some). It helped me to understand Higher Power, at least for me, as something that is within all of us - some part of us that is eternal, that is more than just our physical body and our mind. Whether that's defined as our spirit, or our soul, or God, or consciousness, or what have you - I *do* believe that there is a part of us that is eternal, that human consciousness is not simply a quirk of evolution or how smart we have become as a species. So - that may not help others but it is proving to be a HUGE help to me to be able to rely on a Higher Power that is not wholly outside of me. It requires my personal involvement, not blind faith or abdication of self-determination.
All of your posts are making me think so much - I am sorry I don't have time to respond to all of them right now. I am going to a yoga class (exercise helps me) but will come back to them later. You have no idea how much SR is helping me - well, maybe you do of course.
Today is Day 2 and it's a beautiful day. <3
I think it is helpful to read, and reread, and read again things like this, things that I know but have chosen to forget for years at a time:
Originally Posted by tomsteve
alcohol NEVER worked at quieting my mind- it never took away past difficulties (...)
100% complete surrender (...)
i haven't drank since and am at peace.
100% complete surrender (...)
i haven't drank since and am at peace.
Originally Posted by Mountainmanbob
That's what it took for me.
Complete deflation of the EGO.
Mountainman
Complete deflation of the EGO.
Mountainman
But one of the books I've been reading, Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now", has surprisingly (at least to me, ha) shifted/deepened my perspective on the concepts of Ego and Surrender and Higher Power.
It's caused me to understand the concept of "surrender" as simply acceptance of what is.
If I can accept that I CANNOT drink "just one" without ending up here every frackin time - - - then that is surrendering to it - that is accepting what is instead of stubbornly resisting, which I guess has been a big MO of mine. So, I am choosing acceptance over resistance. And that alone - that shift in perspective to realize that resisting REALLY IS HARDER than acceptance, is a huge weight off!
It's kind of like: what kind of mental gymnastics have I been doing all of this time to think that drinking-as-a-solution-to-pain-or-boredom was somehow easier? It's not! I have been making my life so much harder! Drinking is not the easy way out - drinking is the stubborn, self-hating, resisting, bull-headed, much more difficult and unhappy way to ease pain. LOL. It's so obvious from this new perspective that I have to laugh at myself.
The other thing about the Tolle book that I loved was that it helped me to understand the concept of a Higher Power not as some anthropomorphized God in the sky who is completely separate from me (that concept of God has never worked for me though I know it works for some). It helped me to understand Higher Power, at least for me, as something that is within all of us - some part of us that is eternal, that is more than just our physical body and our mind. Whether that's defined as our spirit, or our soul, or God, or consciousness, or what have you - I *do* believe that there is a part of us that is eternal, that human consciousness is not simply a quirk of evolution or how smart we have become as a species. So - that may not help others but it is proving to be a HUGE help to me to be able to rely on a Higher Power that is not wholly outside of me. It requires my personal involvement, not blind faith or abdication of self-determination.
All of your posts are making me think so much - I am sorry I don't have time to respond to all of them right now. I am going to a yoga class (exercise helps me) but will come back to them later. You have no idea how much SR is helping me - well, maybe you do of course.
Today is Day 2 and it's a beautiful day. <3
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
BumbleBee - it's so good to see you.
I drank 30 years - always seeking the old euphoria I once felt. It had been a long time since it was anything but a nightmare. I stubbornly insisted I could use willpower to have a few now and then. It never worked once. Always one drink = 10, sometimes blackout, always danger. It feels great to be free of it. You can do it this time, BB.
I drank 30 years - always seeking the old euphoria I once felt. It had been a long time since it was anything but a nightmare. I stubbornly insisted I could use willpower to have a few now and then. It never worked once. Always one drink = 10, sometimes blackout, always danger. It feels great to be free of it. You can do it this time, BB.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I think you're definitely on the right track Bumblebee - acceptance is the key.
Personal choice, but I like to use the concept of acceptance over 'surrender' - acceptance connotes gaining something, which is definitely how it's worked for me
good to see you back
D
Personal choice, but I like to use the concept of acceptance over 'surrender' - acceptance connotes gaining something, which is definitely how it's worked for me
good to see you back
D
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