Mum is dying - how do I cope and protect sobriety?
Reach Out and Touch Faith
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On a Sailboat
Posts: 3,871
So sorry to hear this. I managed to stay sober through my my mother's end of life, and am so glad I was able to be there for her and her other loved ones. The last week of her life we talked about recovery and its one of the most dear memories of her I will ever carry.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
I know only too well what you are going through. Coming up on 2 years since I lost my daughter to cancer. I actually have some words of wisdom. All any of has is today. Tomorrow will bring what tomorrow brings but tomorrow is not today. Embrace the time you have enjoy every second we all should do this regardless of our situation but in your case it is imperative. No amount worry or sadness is going to change anything other than ruin the precious time left. Take it a day at a time. There be good days and bad but rejoice in the good and endure the bad
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Wonderful advice & suggestions here already. I'll just add that we all care about you, SF - and posting here may help ease the pain a bit. I'm so sad to hear you've received this bad news. As the others have said, drinking will only add to the misery. We are with you.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Other thoughts. Keep doing the things that have kept you sober so far. Put NOTHING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AHEAD OF YOUR SOBRIETY. In the coming days you will have confusing priorities but sobriety is number 1. All things hinge on you remaining sober. I practice what I preach. I was at an AA meeting a hour before my daughter passed
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
You have my empathy. My Mom passed a month ago after being ill. I was able to be there for her and to be sober. She is proud of me and we talked about things before she passed. No matter what, don't drink and keep being present. Love her and talk with her.
With Love and Hugs to you,
~SB
With Love and Hugs to you,
~SB
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
Hi SF,
Lots of wonderful advice already posted. I just want to echo how staying sober will allow you to be present and here for your mom. Make sure to lean on family and friends, and that includes us here on SR.
I have you and your mom in my prayers.
❤️ Delilah
Lots of wonderful advice already posted. I just want to echo how staying sober will allow you to be present and here for your mom. Make sure to lean on family and friends, and that includes us here on SR.
I have you and your mom in my prayers.
❤️ Delilah
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Very sorry to hear about the bad news. My prayers are with you. With that being said, at least you have the opportunity to prepare yourself for the inevitable. I would use it to your advantage. Make peace with yourself and your mother, be there for her. Its obviously a horrible situation, but not as bad as a phone call from the authorities saying she died in a car crash. You have time to accept this and deal with it sober. Wish you the best.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 48
I'm haven't come back to the thread since I wrote it, but to be honest, it's just all been too painful. However, I learned that the type of cancer my mum has, although incurable, is one that you usually live a couple of years with after diagnosis. I feel so happy that I will hopefully have more time with her than I feared.
Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences and your pain as well as your support and prayers. There is so much wisdom and compassion in this thread that I will be returning to read it frequently over the coming months.
I feel proud of the fact that I haven't once had the thought that a drink would make any of this better. Talking to my mum last weekend, she said she was so glad I had stopped drinking.
Unfortunately, my dad hasn't. He is taking care of her on a daily basis, and he drunkenly phoned me over the weekend and admitted that every night after mum has gone to bed he has a 'few' drinks to cope. My dad's alcoholism made my childhood a less than jolly affair and I felt stupid for thinking that he was finally putting my mum first. Or anyone other than himself. And yet at the same time I understand and pitied him. It was a timely reminder that I must not ever pick up again. I cannot be like him.
Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences and your pain as well as your support and prayers. There is so much wisdom and compassion in this thread that I will be returning to read it frequently over the coming months.
I feel proud of the fact that I haven't once had the thought that a drink would make any of this better. Talking to my mum last weekend, she said she was so glad I had stopped drinking.
Unfortunately, my dad hasn't. He is taking care of her on a daily basis, and he drunkenly phoned me over the weekend and admitted that every night after mum has gone to bed he has a 'few' drinks to cope. My dad's alcoholism made my childhood a less than jolly affair and I felt stupid for thinking that he was finally putting my mum first. Or anyone other than himself. And yet at the same time I understand and pitied him. It was a timely reminder that I must not ever pick up again. I cannot be like him.
you always have us SF I'm glad you will have more time xx
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: bedminster, nj
Posts: 65
I am sorry for you and to read this...My Mother died of cancer 25+ years ago after a horrific fight. She was given 6 weeks to live when I was in the 6th grade and she fought, and I mean fought, the tough fight and saw me graduate from college. She and my Father died within 2 months of each other...long story. I immediately crawled into a bottle and never looked back until 77 days ago. I drank away my sorrows and drowned my emotions in drugs and alcohol. I had not grieved there lose until I recently stopped drinking. My advice is to fight the urge and definitely don't drink. It doesn't help anything. Confide in a friend or family member (or a doctor if necessary) and let your emotions flow. Don't hold anything back, just let it out. And tell your Mother exactly how you feel about her, and when things get rough, remember all of the good times. Good times carry more weight than bad times.
It is an awful time for you and your family. Try to make her comfortable. Having a sober child around is much more comforting an intoxicated one.
Best of luck.
BaldDaddyO
It is an awful time for you and your family. Try to make her comfortable. Having a sober child around is much more comforting an intoxicated one.
Best of luck.
BaldDaddyO
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 48
Mum sadly died this morning at 4 am, at home, surrounded by my dad, my sister and me. I really felt I was going to get more time with her, but she deteriorated so quickly. I do know that she loved me, and she knew that I loved her. She was also very glad I had stopped drinking.
I have got through this whole devastating experience sober. I didn't even think of drinking. It's as if something has clicked in my head and I have finally accepted it is NEVER EVER the answer to anything. Nothing dark or painful will become easier to bear if you add alcohol. I'm not looking forward to the next few weeks, but i will be continuing to deal with it all sober.
Not only was my mum proud, but I'm proud of me too.
Thanks for all the support.
I have got through this whole devastating experience sober. I didn't even think of drinking. It's as if something has clicked in my head and I have finally accepted it is NEVER EVER the answer to anything. Nothing dark or painful will become easier to bear if you add alcohol. I'm not looking forward to the next few weeks, but i will be continuing to deal with it all sober.
Not only was my mum proud, but I'm proud of me too.
Thanks for all the support.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 1,601
I am so sorry to hear about your mother. I lost my mom when I was just out of college, 9 years ago. It was one of the hardest things I've been through. Please PM me if you'd like to chat. I'm always free to lend an ear or a shoulder to cry on. Drinking won't make anything better. Imagine how much regret you will have if you, one day, look back and realize you drank through the last months of your mom's life and were not present and there for her. You owe it to yourself to stay sober so that you can enjoy her for as long as she is on this Earth. Love and prayers to you.
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