STGHealthyWoman

This passage is from a blog I read called "The Sacred Place". Being an alcoholic and a mother, it really moved me. I got teary remembering all the times I said mean things to my son and all the times I was drunk in front of my daughter and her friends. All the days we had made plans to go shopping on a Sunday and I was too hung-over to go. My kids deserve better...

I went into my daughter’s room to check on her this morning. She was sick yesterday and I wanted to see if she was feeling better. She is sound asleep and woke up a bit, still groggy, smiled and rolled over. My heart ached.

I felt the need to whisper “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the times I told lies you may never know about so that I could drink. I’m sorry for the times you knew I was lying. I’m sorry for the times you smelled alcohol on my breath and the times my hangovers were too big and disrupted our plans”

I love the movie “Where the heart is” I have seen it countless times and will most likely see it many more times. I love the story and the simplicity. Except for one part; one line. “We’re alcoholics. We’re generally satisfied with hurting ourselves” Many view their addiction as a victimless crime. We justify our behavior with the idea that no one is getting hurt. It’s only a few drinks. We’re not hurting anyone but ourselves.

Except that is a lie. That is a huge lie. We hurt everyone who is near us. We hurt them by lying. By not being present. By missing activities. By saying things we shouldn’t. For me to believe that my daughters were not impacted by my drinking is a huge lie.

I have tried to minimize it since I wasn’t a daily drinker. Since most of my drinking was done away from them. Except it wasn’t always away from them. It wasn’t always hidden. As I have been more active in my recovery, I’m learning how much they knew; how much they noticed. They knew a hungover morning from a regular morning. The dark circles, the extra layer of tiredness, the slow way I moved, the look of sadness that was written all over my face, the sound of me vomiting in the bathroom.

Towards the end, my drinking became more “responsible” in that I got better at hiding it and was in a better place financially, so the impact on the bank account wasn’t as noticeable. They rarely saw me drinking in the end and when they did, it was because I was “responsible” and left the bar early to come home and pretend to be okay. Until I woke up in the morning and realized how ridiculous I sounded the night before, how I said I’d be home by 7, I was only having two drinks and I came stumbling in at 9.

I couldn’t handle the shame I was feeling, knowing that I needed to quit drinking but not wanting to. So I justified it again. I don’t drink daily. Sometimes days or weeks go by without a drink. I’m just like everyone else.

Everyone else.

I compared myself to other drinkers. They were my barometer by which I judged myself. Sally’s mom is at the bar every day. I’m doing better than her. Bobby’s mom goes out like I do and she’s doing okay. I am fine.

And I wasn’t fine and I knew it. If I was okay, I wouldn’t feel so broken and lost, so caught up in lies that were becoming bigger than me.

And one thought has become my truth and it hurts. It hurts because I know it’s true and I don’t want it to be:

I love my daughters; I loved drinking more.

OUCH.

And that’s why I am fighting to live a sober life. That is why I take the time daily to make this count. Because I can no longer live a life where I love something so deadly more than anything else.

But I did.

I did all the things you hear parents say in recovery groups:

I broke promises

I lied

I was absent

I said things I shouldn’t have

I didn’t drink every day but it impacted my life and the lives of my children every day

This seems so negative and it should. My behavior while drinking was negative and impactful. And as long as I deny the impact drinking had not only on my life, but the lives of those around me, I cannot move forward. I cannot release the shame. I cannot live a life of honesty.

But now, by being sober, I can finish those things I started. I can be present and honest. I can be clear eyed and aware.

I can be the mother I should be. Need to be. Want to be.

As I continue to grow in my recovery, which is so slow but still happening, I can say without any hesitation.

I loved drinking; I love my children more

Meraviglioso

powerful, thanks for sharing this

Della1968

Made me cry so very true.

Melina

I knew. As the daughter of a mother who died from alcoholism, I knew.

And it was the most soul wrenching thing to realize as a little girl that my mother who was supposed to love me and keep me safe was drunk, absent, lost in her demons, and constantly lying, letting us down, reeking of alcohol, embarrassing us, making excuses, covering up. How did she think we didn't know?

As an adult she told me that she really thought we didn't notice, that she thought she covered it up successfully. Ugh. Please.

Running half clothed after my mom's car down the street as she sped away because I didn't know if she would be home that night or in a few days... was she really going to the store or was she disappearing again? It was brutal.

I knew in elementary school.

My poor mom, she suffered a lot. And we suffered, too.

Behappy1

I have no words. So moving. Thank you!

STGHealthyWoman

Your story makes me sad--sad that you lived through it and sad for my kids. My husband says every time I get drunk my daughter and I grow a little further apart. I know he is right.

My life is perfect! I have a 27 year long happy marriage, two beautiful children, a nice house, nice car, three dogs and a guinea pig. I work for an amazing Christian based, privately owned company and I travel around the country in the owners private jet. It's like freaking Hallmark movie--except of course that I'm an alcoholic. One $21 bottle of Bacardi Silver could take everything from me. One DUI, one stupid move while blackout drunk could take it ALL.

Why is it so hard to forget the perfect life in lieu of the $21 bottle of poison. Today is a hard day.

Nowsthetime

I loved drinking but I love my child much more. She was 3 when I quit. How I acted after her 3rd bday party triggered my interest in recovery.

I DO NOT want to be that person so I'm no longer that person.

Thanks for the post!!!!

Melina

STG- you do it bc you're an addict. But look at the reasons why. Maybe self sabotage? Work on that. You deserve the success you have. And drinking is stupid.

You could lose everything and your kids could hate you with a fury the like will take your breath away. When you cause yourself "light" brain damage from the drinking and minimize the damage to your daughter, you will be shocked at the hatred she will spew. I literally took my mother's breath away countless times with just telling her how it was and exactly what I thought of it. Tears would leap from her eyes, like spray out, bc she really thought she was subtle and had no idea what I was actually seeing and feeling. It was so toxic for so long.

The pain of living with an active alcoholic is indescribable. I'm not exaggerating.

I still took care of her at home on hospice for a month while she slowly died from esophageal cancer. And we were completely reconciled when she passed. But I will never forget what I went through.

And I'm an alcoholic so I understand you.

The damage my mother did wasn't visible, so she gave herself permission to keep drinking. We weren't physically beaten. But the lack of trust, the fear, the rages she would get in, the loneliness, the secrets, the isolation. Just bc your daughter doesn't say anything doesn't mean she's not going through it. Just bc someone knows you're full of it doesn't mean they automatically call you on it. She may not know what is off right now.

The anger may come years later when she connects the dots together. So just bc you think it's kind of ok now, it's not. I put SO many things together in adolescence and in adulthood, even this year in my forties three years after my mother's death I am still piecing things together and they make me angry.

I understand you need help, and you deserve compassion and the freedom of sobriety.

You're smart enough to know what's going on here. If she doesn't consciously know something's off this very second, she will figure it out later.

If your awesome life isn't fulfilling in some way, it's not that it's not awesome. It's that you're an addict and you need some really good help. The trappings of a great life don't save you from alcoholism, only seeking help can free you. And then you will truly savor the amazing things you've achieved like you deserve. You'll find peace. It will feel "enough."

I went to AA meetings to figure out the disconnect. I do believe my problem has a spiritual solution. Still working on what all that looks like.

Before my Mom died I asked her what she would like me to do after she died and she begged me to stop drinking.

It took a couple years after she passed, but I did it. I love my Mom, and I miss her so much. I wish things would have been better for us sooner. But I can't understand divine timing, I'm only a human. I have so much compassion for her now that I know the horrors she endured in childhood. But I didn't know any of that.

We also asked her advice to the living, to the people that were here while she transitioned to heaven. Her mind was so scary laser clear at the end, even on heavy pain meds.

She said (and my advice to you, with love): KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND GO BE THAT

Hugs, xoxo

Behappy1

Oh Melina - that is so powerful. I ask this only out of respect, but what can us as mothers do in recovery to help our kids. I know the first step is getting ourselves well. What are your thoughts for the kids? My therapist suggested counseling for my two. They want no part of that. We are very close and have talked about it at length many times. They just want their mom better and to STAY better. Do you have any thoughts on this?

For so long, I thought I was only hurting myself. Drinking at night with benders thrown in every now and then. I was still present for all activities. Sports, church groups, school functions etc. I realize now that my actions have deeply affected them.

I am so very sorry about your mom. I wish you would have had had the childhood that you deserved, but I am glad you were able to gain so much wisdom from her in your own recovery.

Zaec

Such a powerful post. Thank you for sharing!

STGHealthyWoman

Melina, Thank you for your post. I don't know why I do it. I've done it since I was 17. I used to be very shy. I think I took my first drink because it helped me be able to talk to people at parties instead of just sitting in the corner. When I first moved out of my parents house into an apartment, I didn't drink--couldn't afford it. I remember collecting aluminum cans for an entire week so that I could afford to buy two beers at the club on Saturday night. After I graduated from college, I would go out to clubs and get drunk but never drank alone at home and only drank while partying on the weekends.

I have some soul searching to do. Thank you so much, again, for your post. This is the kind of tough love that I need to hear.

STGHealthyWoman

Bump for a friend.

Lightning Bug

This mama just teared up reading that.

Soberwolf

Thank you STG x

Oswin

Thank you for this. If I ever feel on the verge of drinking again I'm going to think of that line I love drinking, but I love my children more. Because the look on my son's face when I told him I'd stopped drinking was just pure relief. He's 11, you think your not affecting them and they don't notice. Well the look on his face told me otherwise.