Relapsed After 230 Days - What Was I Thinking?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 636
Relapsed After 230 Days - What Was I Thinking?
This journey for me has had alot of ups and down and 2 days ago alcohol almost destroy me again.
This is how it started.
From my previous post you might know that i lost my Grandmother, had trouble getting paid at work and also met a women who is turning to be the total opposite of what i thought she was. My relapsed started on Sunday night. It was my cousins birthday and we were in a lounge/restaurant. The lunch was great, we ate and everyone order drinks while i had water and red bull. The restaurant then turns into a lounge and we decided to stay and order some drinks and listen to music. My cousin who does not really drink asked me to taste her drink and thats were everything went down hill. After almost 7 months without drinking, my brain went into shock and that sip turned into me drinking the whole cup.
The next day I called out of work just so i can relax and get my mind together about what just happened. In the mist of that i was writing in my journal and out of nowhere i just wanted to drink. The thought of my grandmother, being stuck at my dead end job as an I.T tech, not being able to drive and dealing with a women who i think is seeing other guys and just using me for attention and emotional support just hit me. I closed my notebook and regretting going to the liquor store, I got the most expensive champagne they had, came home and just started listening to music and vibing out by myself trying to forget about everything. I finished that bottle and knew i was drunk. I went downstair and found some Cognac and had one more cup.
I broke down into tears as i called my mother and told her that i relapsed. Too much was going on and i just could not take it. My emotions go the best of me and i know i could of avoided this situation but its like i wanted to punish myself for not being were i want to be in life. That feeling of being drunk is no longer enjoyable for me. I woke up this morning with a headache, feeling confused and calling out of work for the second time in a row. I was upset at myself and in disbelief. The relationship with this women is toxic and i need to cut her out of my life. She is very jealous and likes to play mind games on me and im always at fault for her insecurities.
Now there are 3 things that I need to ask myself.
What was my trigger?
My curiosity and just having that one sip turned me upside down. As soon as i took that first drink I got a headache and I still wanted more. It's crazy how I was not enjoying the drink but i keep drinking.
How can i avoid this situation again?
I like going to these social events and seeing beautiful women and i know that alcohol will always be there. What i need to focus on is what worked for me in the past and that's to never take that first drink.
What did you learn?
That one sip can turn into a relapse and i could lose it all again.
My counter is at 230 and i do not want to hit that reset button, I think i will lose all motivation but at the same time im not being honest with myself.
What do you guys think?
Thank you for listening..
This is how it started.
From my previous post you might know that i lost my Grandmother, had trouble getting paid at work and also met a women who is turning to be the total opposite of what i thought she was. My relapsed started on Sunday night. It was my cousins birthday and we were in a lounge/restaurant. The lunch was great, we ate and everyone order drinks while i had water and red bull. The restaurant then turns into a lounge and we decided to stay and order some drinks and listen to music. My cousin who does not really drink asked me to taste her drink and thats were everything went down hill. After almost 7 months without drinking, my brain went into shock and that sip turned into me drinking the whole cup.
The next day I called out of work just so i can relax and get my mind together about what just happened. In the mist of that i was writing in my journal and out of nowhere i just wanted to drink. The thought of my grandmother, being stuck at my dead end job as an I.T tech, not being able to drive and dealing with a women who i think is seeing other guys and just using me for attention and emotional support just hit me. I closed my notebook and regretting going to the liquor store, I got the most expensive champagne they had, came home and just started listening to music and vibing out by myself trying to forget about everything. I finished that bottle and knew i was drunk. I went downstair and found some Cognac and had one more cup.
I broke down into tears as i called my mother and told her that i relapsed. Too much was going on and i just could not take it. My emotions go the best of me and i know i could of avoided this situation but its like i wanted to punish myself for not being were i want to be in life. That feeling of being drunk is no longer enjoyable for me. I woke up this morning with a headache, feeling confused and calling out of work for the second time in a row. I was upset at myself and in disbelief. The relationship with this women is toxic and i need to cut her out of my life. She is very jealous and likes to play mind games on me and im always at fault for her insecurities.
Now there are 3 things that I need to ask myself.
What was my trigger?
My curiosity and just having that one sip turned me upside down. As soon as i took that first drink I got a headache and I still wanted more. It's crazy how I was not enjoying the drink but i keep drinking.
How can i avoid this situation again?
I like going to these social events and seeing beautiful women and i know that alcohol will always be there. What i need to focus on is what worked for me in the past and that's to never take that first drink.
What did you learn?
That one sip can turn into a relapse and i could lose it all again.
My counter is at 230 and i do not want to hit that reset button, I think i will lose all motivation but at the same time im not being honest with myself.
What do you guys think?
Thank you for listening..
You're not shackled to not drinking, you're free from drinking
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 1,406
I'm sorry to hear you're going thru so much ghostface. To me it doesn't so much matter what day you're on but that you don't drink today. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and don't drink. Learn from the experience and you'll be stronger next time.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,872
(((GhostFace)))). I am so sorry to read about your relapse.
The most important thing is that you jump whole-heartedly, immediately and unreservedly jump back into sobriety and recovery. It is the life you want and deserve.
The second most-important thing is that you continue to re-examine and re-assess your triggers and keep the dangers of those triggers solidly in your mind.
What you do about your sober-count is up to you. You haven't lost those 230 days; they belong to you and are a part of you and your sober journey. You can look at your count as 232 days with two days of relapse - relapses which you will never, ever allow again.
We are with you, GhostFace - 100%.
The most important thing is that you jump whole-heartedly, immediately and unreservedly jump back into sobriety and recovery. It is the life you want and deserve.
The second most-important thing is that you continue to re-examine and re-assess your triggers and keep the dangers of those triggers solidly in your mind.
What you do about your sober-count is up to you. You haven't lost those 230 days; they belong to you and are a part of you and your sober journey. You can look at your count as 232 days with two days of relapse - relapses which you will never, ever allow again.
We are with you, GhostFace - 100%.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
What's happened has happened no point being dishonest with yourself learn from it review your sobriety plan & always always reach out there is no shame in reaching out it's what SR does GF you havnt lost 230 days either thier banked but don't let dishonesty take you off track completely
if you want to talk about anything were all here bud
if you want to talk about anything were all here bud
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by GhostFace 
My counter is at 230 and i do not want to hit that reset button, I think i will lose all motivation but at the same time im not being honest with myself.
I understand the concern about motivation. But you drank at 230 days sober. Was lack of motivation a cause for that? No, your addiction was.
Get back on the sober train, wiser I hope, and more prepared for the things that can set us back.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
Ghostface, I'm sorry you've relapsed and that you're struggling with issues in your life.
I hope you can let go of this woman. You know she is toxic for you. I think you should count your days in any way that works for you. We're always here for you.
I hope you can let go of this woman. You know she is toxic for you. I think you should count your days in any way that works for you. We're always here for you.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by GhostFace
How can i avoid this situation again?
I like going to these social events and seeing beautiful women and i know that alcohol will always be there. What i need to focus on is what worked for me in the past and that's to never take that first drink.
You asked for opinions, so I'll give you mine: You seem to want to have your cake and eat it too. You want to still have your old life of clubbing and meeting women but also be sober. To be blunt, those 2 things don't really mix. Part of the reality of living a sober life is that we may need to make changes - SERIOUS changes - to our lives in order to be sober.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 709
So, at 230 days sober you had a slip. Now you want to start from Day 1? How discouraging. Why not just go forward with what you've learned instead of turning it into an all-or-nothing "reset"? I think you know now to stay away from bars as well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 636
Thank you all.
It's all a learning experience. Maybe I needed to relapse to see what i was missing out which is absolutely nothing. Now im stronger and better. To be 100% honest, major part of my relapse was due to this girl. She would call me and just talk about herself and what she wants and i was trying to make it work and become that man she needs forgetting about myself and now im learning that i come first before God. I slipped up and now i have to get back on track.
It's all a learning experience. Maybe I needed to relapse to see what i was missing out which is absolutely nothing. Now im stronger and better. To be 100% honest, major part of my relapse was due to this girl. She would call me and just talk about herself and what she wants and i was trying to make it work and become that man she needs forgetting about myself and now im learning that i come first before God. I slipped up and now i have to get back on track.
NA Member - Atheist
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Middletown CT USA
Posts: 770
No one ever needs to relapse. We already know what it's like using.
Difficult as it is, pick yourself up, start at day one, and move on.
Hanging out in places where people are getting loaded is like a toddler playing in a busy intersection at night. Except the toddler is a lot safer. If you're not willing to change your playgrounds, playmates, and playthings, don't expect to stay clean and sober.
If the woman is making your life unmanageable, then end the relationship. It's a mistake to blame your relapse on her though. We get loaded because we want to get loaded. Plain and simple. The relationship may be stressful for you, but you show up and participate in it.
My experience is that when I quit going to the places I used to, and quit hanging out with my old friends, it made it that much easier to stay clean. Likewise, when I quit showing up for relationships with unstable women, my emotional life got a lot calmer, and this made me less likely to get into an emotional jam that would make me want to use more than I wanted to stay clean. The chaos in my life was never the women's fault. I showed up for it and was an active participant.
Difficult as it is, pick yourself up, start at day one, and move on.
Hanging out in places where people are getting loaded is like a toddler playing in a busy intersection at night. Except the toddler is a lot safer. If you're not willing to change your playgrounds, playmates, and playthings, don't expect to stay clean and sober.
If the woman is making your life unmanageable, then end the relationship. It's a mistake to blame your relapse on her though. We get loaded because we want to get loaded. Plain and simple. The relationship may be stressful for you, but you show up and participate in it.
My experience is that when I quit going to the places I used to, and quit hanging out with my old friends, it made it that much easier to stay clean. Likewise, when I quit showing up for relationships with unstable women, my emotional life got a lot calmer, and this made me less likely to get into an emotional jam that would make me want to use more than I wanted to stay clean. The chaos in my life was never the women's fault. I showed up for it and was an active participant.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
Hi Ghostface,
You did not lose those 230 days, and I am so proud of you for coming right back on here, and posting. Sounds like you have taken away some valuable lessons from your relapse, and are ready to move ahead even stronger.
Many of us have had relapses in the past. I have been here since 2012, and have 5 and a half months sober. The thing you did which I didn't in the past was get right back on here and recommitted. I think that speaks volumes to where you are in your recovery.
Whatever you decide to do when it comes to counting days you still have a huge bank of sober time and you don't lose that. You also have a community here who will support you and listen when you need to talk.
As for the girl, you deserve someone who treats you well. I only know you on here, but I see a kind, caring man who often offers support to others.
Sending you lots of love from Cali.
❤️ Delilah
You did not lose those 230 days, and I am so proud of you for coming right back on here, and posting. Sounds like you have taken away some valuable lessons from your relapse, and are ready to move ahead even stronger.
Many of us have had relapses in the past. I have been here since 2012, and have 5 and a half months sober. The thing you did which I didn't in the past was get right back on here and recommitted. I think that speaks volumes to where you are in your recovery.
Whatever you decide to do when it comes to counting days you still have a huge bank of sober time and you don't lose that. You also have a community here who will support you and listen when you need to talk.
As for the girl, you deserve someone who treats you well. I only know you on here, but I see a kind, caring man who often offers support to others.
Sending you lots of love from Cali.
❤️ Delilah
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 3,062
Big hugs. You said the reason why you relapsed was because of the girlfriend. You relapsed because you wanted to drink more than you wanted to be sober.
There will be more relationships and there will be more girlfriends. However, we only have one of you. Not everyone makes it back from a relapse. I suggest staying out of the bars. You don't want a relationship with someone you met in a bar.
You got this
There will be more relationships and there will be more girlfriends. However, we only have one of you. Not everyone makes it back from a relapse. I suggest staying out of the bars. You don't want a relationship with someone you met in a bar.
You got this
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by GhostFace
To be 100% honest, major part of my relapse was due to this girl.
Many times our "relapses" were coming for days/weeks prior to the actual drinking....look back and see if you weren't following your sobriety plan as closely as you should have been, or if there is something you can add to it daily to keep it strong and ready for the next time temptation arises. Because it will.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 636
Thank you all.
I was playing with fire and i got burned. Right now im getting back on my feet and focusing on what's important and that's me. At time i cater so much to people that i forget to cater to myself. Even if i relapse i think i needed that as a reminder that im not missing out on alcohol. My body rejected it last night and i vomited.
Im going to focus on changing my circle, working on my online business and creating a strong master mind alliance of people who have similar goals as mines. I am truly grateful to be part of this community and i thank you all for your support.
I was playing with fire and i got burned. Right now im getting back on my feet and focusing on what's important and that's me. At time i cater so much to people that i forget to cater to myself. Even if i relapse i think i needed that as a reminder that im not missing out on alcohol. My body rejected it last night and i vomited.
Im going to focus on changing my circle, working on my online business and creating a strong master mind alliance of people who have similar goals as mines. I am truly grateful to be part of this community and i thank you all for your support.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by GhostFace
Im going to focus on changing my circle, working on my online business and creating a strong master mind alliance of people who have similar goals as mines.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
I think that there is one guy who I had not better trust too much.
Oh - yes, the one looking back at me in the mirror.
Self deception is my worst enemy.
Starting our counting sober days over yet again
is a very humbling experience.
Complete deflation is an excellent starting point.
Mountainmanbob
Oh - yes, the one looking back at me in the mirror.
Self deception is my worst enemy.
Starting our counting sober days over yet again
is a very humbling experience.
Complete deflation is an excellent starting point.
Mountainmanbob
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Somerset
Posts: 933
Hey GF, there's no advice I can give that hasn't already been given so I'll just say, kudos to you for coming straight back here and opening up to everyone.
That takes courage and is testament to your long term commitment to a better, sober life.
You're going to be just fine, I'm absolutely sure of it. :-)
That takes courage and is testament to your long term commitment to a better, sober life.
You're going to be just fine, I'm absolutely sure of it. :-)
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