Lost everything
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Volshen, I've followed your posts. I really hope you can get sober and remain sober. As others have said, you haven't quite lost everything yet, but you certainly will because alcohol doesn't give a crap about you, only itself. Wish you the best man, you can do it. But it requires effort.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 295
Hi. I started a part time job today.. I didn't sleep well so it was hard to get through the day but I did... I need a full time job or an additional part time job to get a new apartment. My girlfriend is talking to me and we are supposed to spend a few hours together after I get out of work.. It's hopeful but I'm nervous that her parents will convince her to leave me.. She's living with them right now and they have influence over her... I've made so many promises to her and let her down ..
I guess I'm going to try to keep doing the next right thing and hope she sticks around and can believe the drinking is over..
I know I need to do this for me as well.. I don't want to feel like this ever again... Embarrassment, no one trusting me.. Nothing achieved in life...
Anyway day 2.. 3 tomorrow.. Feeling confident I can build up some time .. My father is an alcoholic with 6 years time and he absolutely hates drinking.. I know I'm not going to try to drink here.. going to take time to get the job situation sorted out to be able to afford an apartment so I want to get stronger during this time.. Otherwise I'd drink at a new apartment and ruin everything again..
I guess I'm going to try to keep doing the next right thing and hope she sticks around and can believe the drinking is over..
I know I need to do this for me as well.. I don't want to feel like this ever again... Embarrassment, no one trusting me.. Nothing achieved in life...
Anyway day 2.. 3 tomorrow.. Feeling confident I can build up some time .. My father is an alcoholic with 6 years time and he absolutely hates drinking.. I know I'm not going to try to drink here.. going to take time to get the job situation sorted out to be able to afford an apartment so I want to get stronger during this time.. Otherwise I'd drink at a new apartment and ruin everything again..
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 295
Haven't been sleeping much.. The last couple days I have felt like a zombie and have been so tired I've started crying. Spent a few hours with my girlfriend today.. I was exhausted but we managed to have a nice time.. i can't ask her anything about the future or she gets mad.. She says she's still with me but taking things "one day at a time" meaning she is watching to see how I tackle the drinking problem ..
This is so tough.. I lack patience .. I wish I could snap my fingers and fix everything.. I can't stand the uncertainty of everything...
I really hope this will be a wake up call.. But not a loss. I can't imagine my life without her..
Supposed to do this for me.. And I've thought about it.. I don't really like myself. But being with someone who likes me makes me feel worthy somehow.. I'm doing it for me in the sense that I can't stand the pain... If I don't drink I won't have pain caused by drinking..
I don't know... All I know is when I wake up (after hopefully sleeping more than an hour) it will be day 4 and so far I'm so mad at myself I have not even thought about drinking...
i hate what I've let alcohol do to me and I hate that I have a huge mess to clean up.. Trust to regain.. A whole lot of uncertainty... But the way I see it is that as hurting as I am.. What option do I have other than to keep fighting.. I've never been suicidal so that's not an option.. Either drink and ruin more and live miserably or don't drink and deal with these feelings but at least not make things a million times worse.
Thanks for reading..
This is so tough.. I lack patience .. I wish I could snap my fingers and fix everything.. I can't stand the uncertainty of everything...
I really hope this will be a wake up call.. But not a loss. I can't imagine my life without her..
Supposed to do this for me.. And I've thought about it.. I don't really like myself. But being with someone who likes me makes me feel worthy somehow.. I'm doing it for me in the sense that I can't stand the pain... If I don't drink I won't have pain caused by drinking..
I don't know... All I know is when I wake up (after hopefully sleeping more than an hour) it will be day 4 and so far I'm so mad at myself I have not even thought about drinking...
i hate what I've let alcohol do to me and I hate that I have a huge mess to clean up.. Trust to regain.. A whole lot of uncertainty... But the way I see it is that as hurting as I am.. What option do I have other than to keep fighting.. I've never been suicidal so that's not an option.. Either drink and ruin more and live miserably or don't drink and deal with these feelings but at least not make things a million times worse.
Thanks for reading..
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Volshen 
Ended up drinking yesterday, girlfriend caught me and moved out.. Lost apartment because her grandparents were renting it to us. Moved in with my father.. He's found me an agnostic sponsor in a.a so I'm going to speak with him tomorrow... Girlfriend says she's not done with me but says this is my last chance to get it right.. She moved back in with her mother..
It's times like this that often move us to finally make drastic changes and honor what it is that we really need the most.
Resting in a comfort zone allows us to carry on with our self destruction.
Pretty brave of your Lady to be a catalyst like that. Courageous and honorable of her to assert her boundaries and refuse to be your enabler.
Wonderful of your father to line you up a sponsor and be there to get you in the door and into the rooms.
Man.
You have all sorts of things going for you!!!!
Rock it. You've got this. Life is getting better already.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I fixed your options statement for you.
Originally Posted by Volshen
What option do I have other than to stop fighting and begin accepting and growing? Either drink and ruin more and live miserably until I die or kill someone or go to prison or all three.... or DON'T drink, embrace sobriety fully and face these feelings and grow through them, evolve from them, turn my life around and enter a more wonderful and abundant place of living than I ever knew possible....
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
volshen, imo, ya should be lookin into support to help you change you and NOT from your girlfriend.
check out the many varieties of recovery programs available and get into action.
I entered aa feeling I was a useless, worthless, hopeless, helpless POS. it took T.I.M.E and action for that to change. I no longer hate myself for the actions of my past. no more self pity for past actions. I now have worth, use, hope, and can help others. I love myself today.
that took T.I.M.E. and action.
plus a crapload of practicing patience while the miracles started happening.
check out the many varieties of recovery programs available and get into action.
I entered aa feeling I was a useless, worthless, hopeless, helpless POS. it took T.I.M.E and action for that to change. I no longer hate myself for the actions of my past. no more self pity for past actions. I now have worth, use, hope, and can help others. I love myself today.
that took T.I.M.E. and action.
plus a crapload of practicing patience while the miracles started happening.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,005
Hey Volshen, I come from the Friends and Family threads.
That your girlfriend wouldn't take the BS makes her sound like a winner. Many of us Codependents wind up being as addicted to the dysfunctional relationship as you all are addicted to drinking. We can wind up being a pretty bitter, whiney, bunch from all the hurt we have been through. It sounds like your lady friend is a pretty healthy person in that she set a boundary and is keeping it; this bodes as well for your future together as your current work on yourself. GO YOU!!!
That your girlfriend wouldn't take the BS makes her sound like a winner. Many of us Codependents wind up being as addicted to the dysfunctional relationship as you all are addicted to drinking. We can wind up being a pretty bitter, whiney, bunch from all the hurt we have been through. It sounds like your lady friend is a pretty healthy person in that she set a boundary and is keeping it; this bodes as well for your future together as your current work on yourself. GO YOU!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 295
Day 5.
Thank you Bekindalways.
She has given me ultimatums plenty of times that I've not taken too seriously. But this time with the loss of the apartment I know the ice is very thin. I'm very fortunate she is still with me. She's not angry with me anymore .. we're spending time together but she is sticking to her rule of not finding a new apartment with me until she feels I am done with the drinking.
But as we all know ... a month or two from now I could have the most time in I've ever had and she could think wow, he's changed. I could still end up drinking if I didn't remain completely committed.
Only one that can make me never drink again is me .. tomsteve is 100% right .. I need to want it. The disgust in myself and the fear of even worse consequences has gotten me to day 5 .. but not drinking needs to become part of me .. part of my being.. something I am personally proud of .. or the bad memories might fade in time ..
I'm finally sleeping okay .. the idea of a beer crosses my mind maybe a couple times a day but I immediately stop the thought and remember everything that has happened...
As inconvenient as it is to have lost the apartment .. everything about that place was a trigger to me. It's where I did a good part of my drinking and where I really progressed in my alcoholism ..
Thank you Bekindalways.
She has given me ultimatums plenty of times that I've not taken too seriously. But this time with the loss of the apartment I know the ice is very thin. I'm very fortunate she is still with me. She's not angry with me anymore .. we're spending time together but she is sticking to her rule of not finding a new apartment with me until she feels I am done with the drinking.
But as we all know ... a month or two from now I could have the most time in I've ever had and she could think wow, he's changed. I could still end up drinking if I didn't remain completely committed.
Only one that can make me never drink again is me .. tomsteve is 100% right .. I need to want it. The disgust in myself and the fear of even worse consequences has gotten me to day 5 .. but not drinking needs to become part of me .. part of my being.. something I am personally proud of .. or the bad memories might fade in time ..
I'm finally sleeping okay .. the idea of a beer crosses my mind maybe a couple times a day but I immediately stop the thought and remember everything that has happened...
As inconvenient as it is to have lost the apartment .. everything about that place was a trigger to me. It's where I did a good part of my drinking and where I really progressed in my alcoholism ..
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 138
Dude, new around here, just saw your post, reminds me of being impossibly stalked by barleycorn, though I knew i had to give it up as the right proper and sensible thing to do. Hard as i worked to 'say no', apply psych, fight it off, always gave in sooner or later, to some trivial excuse for taking 'one', and the episodes just kept getting worrrrse fallout. I had lost control of my drinking, but told myself it wasn't so, that i must have intended this.
Some folks through the years had described the alcoholic obsession of the mind to me. They said though i would raise a defense, it would one day give way, just like so. They said alcoholics chase this persistent illusion that they will somehow control and enjoy their drinking straight into the gates of insanity, right to the undertaker. They said those who have lost the ability to control their drinking are NOT like normal people, and NEVER will be. There was a physical phenomenon that ensures we cannot stop or moderate, and will go permanently insane, all lost, abandoned, disgraced, locked up or dead. Cited case after case back centuries.
BS was my cry - i'm not like that - i'll show you all how to drink! I haven't lost control! Just this once...i'll quit again next week...sheet that was only a couple of rounds in the drunk tank, no charges, couple of trucks, few unimpressed employers...heavy debt...loss of all worldly possessions...banned from x number of properties....damn I'm just misunderstood - you'd drink too! lol
So it went, barleycorn pummeling all my life security while i was blacked out. I'd get the news bulletins later...
Then he kicked the living daylights outta me and left me for dead at the gates of hell. All of a sudden, through all the bewildering futility that had become my life, I SUDDENLY REALIZED, I WAS ALCOHOLIC. There was clearly, no beating this thing, as they had said. I struggled to recollect what those guys had told me about how they escaped, got sober for real.
They said I would have to quit fighting anything or anyone, get honest with myself, pay back what was owing and set old wounds right, forgive EVERYONE, constantly place others' well being AHEAD of my own, try the kind of giving that demands no personal reward, and try praying to whatever real live creator i could possibly conceive there even might be, for strength and direction to do these things.
Dude, when I concluded there was nothing left for me to try, i began to start to try doing these things. Within two weeks the compulsion to drink faded, and I think i am on the path to what i was looking for all along. The very strangest, coolest inexplicable things happen some days, that make me just think maybe there really is this fabled god after all, maybe this world does make sense, and maybe there's adventure i never thought could be real ahead. Now i want to live again, but not on the same plane as before.
Girl or no girl, they said - these sober men, job or no job, home or hobo, we do NOT get well so long as we place reliance for our welfare on people and circumstances, above a genuine reliance on our own creator.
Like it or lump it, I decided to give it a real shot, being as i was clearly already delusional anyways, lol it actually works. Definitions of some things have needed revision, but I'm starting to see everything differently.
Barleycorn's off pestering you guys now i see - have fun - he's a Boss! Few and far between are alcoholics who beat him, on normal resources. Willpower, resolutions, commitments, support, circumstance; sooner or later all give way before some vague rationalization to take a drink, a 'strange mental blank spot' they call it. Sooner, if the condition is far advanced. Although if it hasn't progressed too bad yet some can avoid it for years, only to pick up later in life.
At least that's how it has been presented to me. Wish ya well, maybe, if you think you do have alcoholism, and you do really care about this girl, maybe consider the right and loving thing to do is let her move on. Alcoholics are NOT pretty to normal folks trying hard to live well, and we wreak material and emotional HAVOC in lives. Does she deserve the burden of revolving chaos? Do you want that for her?
Dunno. Worth thinking over. These guys told me our whole problem is selfishness, self centered fear, we turn the whole world into protective parents. They said this MUST be reversed to live sober, useful and whole, and they declare point blank it canNOT be done without a conscious decision to rely on whatever we conceive our powerful creator to be. Hokey but I'll be damned if it don't work.
Good luck, my regards to barleycorn! Oh we had some riotous good times. Wasn't all bad, no sir! But lol I think he might be deranged, can't be trusted lol. At least not with your keys, or your cell phone! Lol
Sorry your pops hates him so much. Wonder why.
Oh ya I should mention I got in here to pass this on because they said it would help ensure my own sobriety. Might not be useful to you in any way! Cheers!
Some folks through the years had described the alcoholic obsession of the mind to me. They said though i would raise a defense, it would one day give way, just like so. They said alcoholics chase this persistent illusion that they will somehow control and enjoy their drinking straight into the gates of insanity, right to the undertaker. They said those who have lost the ability to control their drinking are NOT like normal people, and NEVER will be. There was a physical phenomenon that ensures we cannot stop or moderate, and will go permanently insane, all lost, abandoned, disgraced, locked up or dead. Cited case after case back centuries.
BS was my cry - i'm not like that - i'll show you all how to drink! I haven't lost control! Just this once...i'll quit again next week...sheet that was only a couple of rounds in the drunk tank, no charges, couple of trucks, few unimpressed employers...heavy debt...loss of all worldly possessions...banned from x number of properties....damn I'm just misunderstood - you'd drink too! lol
So it went, barleycorn pummeling all my life security while i was blacked out. I'd get the news bulletins later...
Then he kicked the living daylights outta me and left me for dead at the gates of hell. All of a sudden, through all the bewildering futility that had become my life, I SUDDENLY REALIZED, I WAS ALCOHOLIC. There was clearly, no beating this thing, as they had said. I struggled to recollect what those guys had told me about how they escaped, got sober for real.
They said I would have to quit fighting anything or anyone, get honest with myself, pay back what was owing and set old wounds right, forgive EVERYONE, constantly place others' well being AHEAD of my own, try the kind of giving that demands no personal reward, and try praying to whatever real live creator i could possibly conceive there even might be, for strength and direction to do these things.
Dude, when I concluded there was nothing left for me to try, i began to start to try doing these things. Within two weeks the compulsion to drink faded, and I think i am on the path to what i was looking for all along. The very strangest, coolest inexplicable things happen some days, that make me just think maybe there really is this fabled god after all, maybe this world does make sense, and maybe there's adventure i never thought could be real ahead. Now i want to live again, but not on the same plane as before.
Girl or no girl, they said - these sober men, job or no job, home or hobo, we do NOT get well so long as we place reliance for our welfare on people and circumstances, above a genuine reliance on our own creator.
Like it or lump it, I decided to give it a real shot, being as i was clearly already delusional anyways, lol it actually works. Definitions of some things have needed revision, but I'm starting to see everything differently.
Barleycorn's off pestering you guys now i see - have fun - he's a Boss! Few and far between are alcoholics who beat him, on normal resources. Willpower, resolutions, commitments, support, circumstance; sooner or later all give way before some vague rationalization to take a drink, a 'strange mental blank spot' they call it. Sooner, if the condition is far advanced. Although if it hasn't progressed too bad yet some can avoid it for years, only to pick up later in life.
At least that's how it has been presented to me. Wish ya well, maybe, if you think you do have alcoholism, and you do really care about this girl, maybe consider the right and loving thing to do is let her move on. Alcoholics are NOT pretty to normal folks trying hard to live well, and we wreak material and emotional HAVOC in lives. Does she deserve the burden of revolving chaos? Do you want that for her?
Dunno. Worth thinking over. These guys told me our whole problem is selfishness, self centered fear, we turn the whole world into protective parents. They said this MUST be reversed to live sober, useful and whole, and they declare point blank it canNOT be done without a conscious decision to rely on whatever we conceive our powerful creator to be. Hokey but I'll be damned if it don't work.
Good luck, my regards to barleycorn! Oh we had some riotous good times. Wasn't all bad, no sir! But lol I think he might be deranged, can't be trusted lol. At least not with your keys, or your cell phone! Lol
Sorry your pops hates him so much. Wonder why.
Oh ya I should mention I got in here to pass this on because they said it would help ensure my own sobriety. Might not be useful to you in any way! Cheers!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Melbourne
Posts: 157
In a very similar situation to you Volshen.
I had 'another' 5 day binge almost 2 weeks ago and my girlfriend walked out on me. Didnt even speak to me for over 7 days. Have to say was one of the hardest and most gruelling weeks of my life. Thankfully i have supportive parents and friends. I finally spent some time with her last night and she told me 1 day at a time rather than planning for the future... I'm the same as you, wish i could snap my fingers and make it go away like it never happened but the reality is i've done it so many times, the confidence needs to he rebuilt. I agree with everyone else that you need to do it for you because nothing is certain in this life. If my girl picks up and walks away completely one day for any reason I need to be ready to not drink the misery away because that path wont be pretty. Best of luck to you man.
I had 'another' 5 day binge almost 2 weeks ago and my girlfriend walked out on me. Didnt even speak to me for over 7 days. Have to say was one of the hardest and most gruelling weeks of my life. Thankfully i have supportive parents and friends. I finally spent some time with her last night and she told me 1 day at a time rather than planning for the future... I'm the same as you, wish i could snap my fingers and make it go away like it never happened but the reality is i've done it so many times, the confidence needs to he rebuilt. I agree with everyone else that you need to do it for you because nothing is certain in this life. If my girl picks up and walks away completely one day for any reason I need to be ready to not drink the misery away because that path wont be pretty. Best of luck to you man.
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