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Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 444
Start again
Good evening all,
I joined the site about one year ago and have benefitted so much from the site. The view of myself when I joined was much different that day than the view of myself the next day and progressively each day after. The trend has been positive although there have been a couple fits and starts.
I read a post a week or so ago where the poster was noticing a trend of people who came in determined and then, after a period of time, relapsed. I understand the feeling and have observed the same pattern in some folks. I also have experienced it personally.
In the last year I have extended my sober periods extensively and until the past week I was pushing 5 months sober. It all felt so right and so solid. I was so much happier and so genuine in my life.
Sadly I became delusional in viewing my reality and gave drinking another chance. I'm not drunk tonight and haven't done anything out of line for normal drinkers but for me I've committed a truly insane act . I've decided to try moderation again and that won't work for me.
I'm sad for the setback and only blame myself but I also know that I have grown so much this year. I know I'm not perfect and that to conquer this issue permanently will take greater resolve than I've mustered to date. I do not feel hopeless, just sad.
I will start again tomorrow with more humility and more respect for the seriousness of this situation. I meant every sober word I uttered in the good months and will live to prove those words again. I'm just weak and still learning to come to grips with this powerlessness that I hate and often deny.
This is a path for me. I still maintain gratitude that I'm on it. I pray for more strength this time.
Strong weekend folks.
Jonathan
I joined the site about one year ago and have benefitted so much from the site. The view of myself when I joined was much different that day than the view of myself the next day and progressively each day after. The trend has been positive although there have been a couple fits and starts.
I read a post a week or so ago where the poster was noticing a trend of people who came in determined and then, after a period of time, relapsed. I understand the feeling and have observed the same pattern in some folks. I also have experienced it personally.
In the last year I have extended my sober periods extensively and until the past week I was pushing 5 months sober. It all felt so right and so solid. I was so much happier and so genuine in my life.
Sadly I became delusional in viewing my reality and gave drinking another chance. I'm not drunk tonight and haven't done anything out of line for normal drinkers but for me I've committed a truly insane act . I've decided to try moderation again and that won't work for me.
I'm sad for the setback and only blame myself but I also know that I have grown so much this year. I know I'm not perfect and that to conquer this issue permanently will take greater resolve than I've mustered to date. I do not feel hopeless, just sad.
I will start again tomorrow with more humility and more respect for the seriousness of this situation. I meant every sober word I uttered in the good months and will live to prove those words again. I'm just weak and still learning to come to grips with this powerlessness that I hate and often deny.
This is a path for me. I still maintain gratitude that I'm on it. I pray for more strength this time.
Strong weekend folks.
Jonathan
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 732
Thanks for sharing Jonathan and pleased that you have reached out and realised that there can be no reasoning with ourselves that moderation can ever be an option.
Don't beat yourself up too much, dust yourself down get back on and work on your plan to stick with sobriety which is clearly what you want, appreciate your post as whilst I am so utterly determined i know I would feel the exact same as you are doing right now if I allowed the AV to convince me that it was ok to just give it another go, you've realised that it was a mistake - as long as there's no continuation then it can serve as proof to yourself that you know it's not an option for you anymore, don't let a little blip derail you mate.
Don't beat yourself up too much, dust yourself down get back on and work on your plan to stick with sobriety which is clearly what you want, appreciate your post as whilst I am so utterly determined i know I would feel the exact same as you are doing right now if I allowed the AV to convince me that it was ok to just give it another go, you've realised that it was a mistake - as long as there's no continuation then it can serve as proof to yourself that you know it's not an option for you anymore, don't let a little blip derail you mate.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hi Zul
Glad you're back. Relapse is painful but if you learn and it takes you to a deeper commitment to quit then I guess it has served a purpose.
You aren't weak. You're just an alcoholic. If you don't take that first drink, you are taking back your life.
Glad you're back. Relapse is painful but if you learn and it takes you to a deeper commitment to quit then I guess it has served a purpose.
You aren't weak. You're just an alcoholic. If you don't take that first drink, you are taking back your life.
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Originally Posted by Frickaflip233 
You aren't weak. You're just an alcoholic.
Zufrieden, please don't beat yourself up. It serves no purpose but to feed the demon.
You are here, you're trying, and that's what matters. A better life and road ahead!
Do you have a plan in place for next time your mind heads in the wrong direction? Having one ahead of time and following it is key.
So glad you posted!
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
You're back! Focus on that today, and choosing one day not to drink.
You did five months - you are facing your alcoholism again.
Go to a meeting today? Just to listen and be proud you went? You don't have to *confess* just consider it one thing in your new plan.
Good luck to you!!
You did five months - you are facing your alcoholism again.
Go to a meeting today? Just to listen and be proud you went? You don't have to *confess* just consider it one thing in your new plan.
Good luck to you!!
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,044
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 444
Originally Posted by emme99
Jonathan, I've read a lot of your posts and I always find value in what you have to say. I am glad you are back.
Hope your Sunday is good.
Jonathan
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
I know I'm not perfect and that to conquer this issue permanently will take greater resolve than I've mustered to date. I do not feel hopeless, just sad.
The statement above Jonathon is very positive and I think it will serve you well. Get back at it, you'll be fine.
The statement above Jonathon is very positive and I think it will serve you well. Get back at it, you'll be fine.
For Grace
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Maryland
Posts: 92
Your thread sounds very similar to my experience. More fits and starts than I care to admit to. But I very much appreciate your attitude and willingness to use this experience as a learning moment. I've had to give myself similar permission, otherwise I'd spend most my days crippled by feelings of guilt and failure. It IS a journey, there will be mistakes, but we will get through this. A single day sober is better than a single day drunk. I like to focus on increasing that number and trying not to get super hung up if those days are not all in succession. But that's just me and everyone has their own way I suppose! Thanks for posting!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 701
Welcome back Jonathan! You sound very positive and committed. Moderation is the Great Myth that most of us had to explore on our own, myself included. But I came to realize that moderation really isn't what I wanted after all. I wanted to continue to be able to drink like a fish, with no adverse consequences. The thought of moderation seriously doesn't interest me in the least. If I can't have the whole bottle of wine, I sure don't want a 5-oz glass, that would just make me thirsty. Once I realized this, and realized that I could never drink again, things became much more clear.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 444
Originally Posted by Delilah1
Hi Jonathan,
Glad you posted, and are back on your journey!! I have also benefitted from reading your posts.
Looking forward to seeing you on here tomorrow!
Glad you posted, and are back on your journey!! I have also benefitted from reading your posts.
Looking forward to seeing you on here tomorrow!
It means a lot to hear from you,
I'm going to bed sober and will be here tomorrow.
I'm grateful for you guys and you stories/support.
Jonathan
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