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Old 06-12-2016, 08:15 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Behappy, I hope things go all right with your grandpa. I think your support for your daughter and her heptathlon does apply to you, too.

Job-wise, it sounds like you've earned respect from your peers and that is a good thing to build upon.

Thoughts:
Originally Posted by Behappy1 View Post
It would help me relax, feel better, get away for the day.
I think you need to rethink your relationship with alcohol. Your description above, albeit followed up with the stark realities that come one day later, suggest you still ascribe positive attributes to alcohol. That's not something folks like us can do, to wit:

Relax. People who don't have drinking problems can have a glass of wine or two to relax. We can't because we can't stop at a couple. We don't relax. We get drunk.

Feel better. Really? Getting drunk just makes us drunk.

Get away for the day. As Thomas11/Jeff notes above, drinking just awakens a beast inside of us. We have to live in the present. Yes, that means we have to deal with the hard stuff, but it also frees us to live fully and authentically.

As long as we think there's something good for us in a bottle, we're not in charge. The bottle is.

The good news is that it doesn't have to be that way. Let the drinks you had Thursday be the last ones of your life. You'll be glad you did.

Hang in there.
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Old 06-12-2016, 08:26 PM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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You are 100% right Venecia! Thank you for breaking it down like that. You are right. I do not/can not stop at one. No sense in awakening the beast like last Thursday did. Hence the intense cravings Friday and yesterday.

Truth be told, I really don't like the taste of any kind of liquor. I drank it strictly for the buzz that it gave me that turned in to black out drunks at times.

I went over and read some on the friends and family of alcoholic's today. I suggest everyone do that. It puts things in to perspective when you take a walk in their shoes and see what the loved ones fighting for us are going through.

Man my emotions have just been ALL OVER THE PLACE the last several days. Rightfully so, but at least I'm able to feel and deal with them instead of numbing them away.

Thanks again SR for listening!
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Old 06-12-2016, 09:28 PM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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Hang in there Behappy. When I pray for something and don't get what I think I want I return to this prayer written by an anonymous Confederate soldier:

I asked God for strength, that I might achieve,
I was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey....
I asked for health, that I might do greater things,
I was given infirmity, that I might do better things....
I asked for riches, that I might be happy,
I was given poverty, that I might be wise....
I asked for power, that I might have the praise of men,
I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God....
I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life,
I was given life, that I might enjoy all things....
I got nothing that I asked for -
but everything that I had hoped for,
Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered.
I am among all men most richly blessed.
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Old 06-13-2016, 05:40 AM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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I have never seen this prayer. Thank you!
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Old 06-13-2016, 07:29 AM
  # 45 (permalink)  
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They just sent out a company wide emailed that I am no longer employed with the company. The calls, texts and well wishes have me so anxious, nervous and panicky.

I could just crawl under a rock and not come out right now. I requested that they not do this on Tuesday. I work from the field so it's not like anybody would miss me right away. This email just started a swarm of gossip swirling. I have documentation still that they need from me from work that I had completed. If I don't give it to them, they'll have to start over with the projects. I am >this< close to shredding it.

I KNOW that I am 100% wrong with my actions, but the pressure and stress that I feel right now (all created by my own hands) really has me spinning right now.

My parents aren't talking to me, my grandpa is in the hospital still having tests ran, this work gossip has already started, court coming up. Man - how did a 45 year old professional business woman get this low. I'm trying to be strong, but I could just crawl in a hole right now. Thank you for letting me vent.
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Old 06-15-2016, 04:11 PM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Behappy1 View Post
Thank you - I will be there. I have isolated myself so much while drinking. I won't go to an AA in my town. It's too small and I have first hand experience with the gossip that ensued. I attempted to go to an IOP in a town nearby. It spread like wildfire, which is against HIPA. I went for an initial assessment and someone saw me and pulled my medical chart.

I do appreciate all of the support here. I am very, very down today. Not sure which way to turn and what to do at this point. I have had phone calls to have a lunch date to figure out what direction I want to take as far as employment. That is good, but at this point I just want to crawl in a hole for a very long time.
OMG!! All of this is SO illegal! Can you move? Really--you need to file a complaint with the EEOC. These are FLSA violations. I'm not saying you are not ultimately at fault for drinking and driving--not preaching--I've done it too, so face up to your involvement and continue working toward sobriety, but seriously, if a person can't even seek help in your town without the protection of HIPAA, how could anyone get well?

One day at a time, one foot in front of the other. Keep on going.
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Old 06-15-2016, 05:21 PM
  # 47 (permalink)  
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Behappy, I'm really sorry you're going through such a tough time. I know you are struggling with shame and guilt, but I hope, I really hope you can let those emotions go. Use them to move you forward, but if you dwell where you are now, you are vulnerable to being sucked back in. I say that, because I remember being there. It is the hardest thing to hold your head up at a time like this, but you must. You are not a bad person, you made a mistake. Let the gossipers gossip and rise above it all. Show your family you are changing. That's all you can do and it will pay off.
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Old 06-15-2016, 05:54 PM
  # 48 (permalink)  
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Sorry to hear about the misfortunes that drinking has brought down on you. As for a new job, the court date, etc....that will work itself out. As much as your conscience is focused on the job situation, I encourage you to devote 100% of your thoughts on sobriety and not drinking. When not keeping vigilant, play some online trivia or watch TV and distract yourself. This won't be fun, but running yourself ragged with worry about a new job is a wasting what's in your gas tank. Save your fuel for staying sober. Lay low, sleep, listen to podcasts or audiobooks, and try your best to relax and breathe.
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Old 06-15-2016, 06:06 PM
  # 49 (permalink)  
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At any AA meeting all you have to do is ask for a ride. Service work helps us stay sober. Are you desperate enough to do what needs to be done. There is no magic to sobriety. With hardwork, perseverance, willingness, and hope it can be done. If you want call the local office they will find you a ride
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Old 06-16-2016, 05:56 AM
  # 50 (permalink)  
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Thank you all. I have been doing meetings online and reading a ton here. I appreciate all of your input!
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