tufty13

Hi all,
I need to vent a little because I'm giving this too much energy and it's nibbling away at my positivity. I might even be angry, I don't know.

When I decided to call it a day on my near forty year drinking habit everyone was exceptionally generous with their words of support. Especially very close friends & family. My tee-total older brother who I'm not particularly close to even said that he had so much admiration for me.

The exception though has been my younger brother.

A month after I quit I spent a weekend away with him and mutual drinking friends, during which time I told him everything; including my drinking cycles that I'd recognised, the fact I could always stop for a bit but it would always escalate again. The fact that I was drinking alone at home etc etc. and that my drinking had been a major factor in the break up of my marriage.

He consistently told me I was exaggerating the problem in my head.

"The fact you haven't drunk for a month proves you're not an alcoholic" was just one of his lines. There were others.

I stood my ground and was absolutely explicit with him and told him that I will never touch alcohol again.

I'd thought he'd give me more support than that or at the very least not try and persuade me to drink. Our father was a drunk who died of cirrhosis of the liver at a pretty young age, and me as a teenager and young adult spent a lot of time emotional energy trying to get him sober. So again, I'd hoped there would be at least some empathy.

Fast forward to last weekend and I had a gathering of friends and family round to my house so I could say goodbye to them before I leave the country. I'm now over seven months sober.

At one point during the day he asked me "so how's the not drinking going?" Perhaps he thought the long cocktail-like drink in my hand was an alcoholic one because he said it so sarcastically that I did react a bit, I very quickly turned to him and said quite calmly but looking him straight in the eye, "like I told you, I will never drink again"

He replied "whatever works for you" and walked away.

It's left me feeling pretty crap really. It's a few days ago now and I clearly can't let it go because here I am whinging about it. It's not like I've ever given up drinking before or even said I'm going to give up drinking, I can't see a reason why he couldn't at least acknowledge it to be a positive move. We used to be very close.

Sorry for the rant. I rarely start a thread so it's clearly a very big thing to me to want to get it off my chest.

Thanks for listening! :-)

Anna

People in our lives can have odd reactions to our recovery. Maybe he's jealous of you, or resentful?

I didn't tell anyone when I stopped drinking because I was so vulnerable and I knew I would likely fall apart if I heard negative talk.

I'm sorry your brother is unsupportive, but you know you will always find lots of support here.

ZenLifter

There's a line from Days of Wine and Roses, something like "your sobriety is an accusation to him." Don't know if it's true in this case, but this was what popped into my head, reading your post.

least

Ignore him and his unhelpful comments. Let it go.

doggonecarl

I don't know if you are over sensitive. But you have expectations of support from your younger brother that you aren't getting. Unmet expectations lead to resentments and resentments are recovery killers.

Why not assume that he doesn't know how to react. Then either tell him how you feel, what you expect, or forget about it.

tursiops999

I hear ya, Tufty. My siblings are absolutely silent on the subject of my sobriety, and if I (rarely) mention anything about it, they change the subject. I think maybe it hits too close to home for them (still drinking). In any case, I try to let it go -- it seems that people who've never struggled with addiction don't understand and don't know what to say, and those who might be addicted themselves don't want to hear about it at all. People on SR understand, and that helps a lot.

Bobbieka

My best friend (known her since we were 9 years old) and I are no longer friends. She resented the fact that she lost her drinking buddy. Her words exactly were "I don't know how to be around her if we're not drinking".

Soberwolf

Your not oversensitive its normal to feel annoyed we are human & no one is happy all the time if they are something is wrong lol but as for your brother not getting it some ppl never will and that's when it's up to me to decide do I want this person in my life do I want to tolerate it ? if not it's a case of see ya just like it would be on the flip side if they didn't like me or I was hard to tolerate

Given he's your younger brother and family in recovery can be tough trust me I get that & heavily relate mine are bonkers and thier in recovery !! I don't think your being oversensitive your a good dude I like your posts

If ppl talk ish about being happy all the time and not letting anything bother you tell them to bring me back to their imaginary temple

Humans have emotions & sometimes we feel them do your best to have trusted friends who get it in recovery

PS that's us

oldsoul1122

Let your concern go and focus on people who do validate what you're doing. You have no control over his opinions.

360startstoday

I understand what you are saying. My brother is an alcoholic and just did the exact same thing to me.... he threw in... what is wrong with you!!! We just have to keep on what we are doing, we are not sober for any of them, but for ourselves. Good job staying strong!

AdelineRose

I have found that when we get sober those around us that are alcoholics or drug addicts usually try to belittle us, not take us seriously, or try to encourage us to use or drink. Even though you are not saying anything to your brother about his drinking habits, he might see you getting sober as a threat to him keeping up his addiction. No one likes to admit that someone they used to drink with or use with has gotten sober because then they can not rationalize their own behavior to themselves.

I would keep focusing on your own recovery and if your brother starts to threaten your recovery then I think it might be time to distance yourself from him a little bit. I am happy the rest of your family and close friends is being supportive, maybe one day he will be too.

saoutchik

You are definitely not being over sensitive tufty, as Anna said it does sound as though your younger brother has some resentment or jealousy about your sobriety. Since there is nothing you can reasonably do to change his attitude I would try not to dwell on it.

Congratulations on 7 months!

Jtmlk

Have to agree with what's been posted- sounds to me like he feels threatened by your sobriety.

Opivotal

Could be he's just a "normie" and will never understand.

This comment makes me believe he doesn't get it.

entropy1964

I am the child of an alcoholic and a member of a family that was very affected by the drinking, enabling, codependency, dishonesty, hiding, guilt,etc etc. and each member of the family kind of had their role in the dysfunction. We are all good people, mostly. But when together, all that childhood dysfunction and role playing comes right back into play. It's a mess. Who knows what my family will do and frankly I don't care. I don't discuss any of my issues with them. This is for me. They will disappoint me if I expect anything other than, nothing. Hang in there.

dox

What your younger brother says, speaks more about him than about you.

I think my younger brother envies my sobriety.
He had a couple of years, once.

I have a cousin who has never quit drinking (yet),
He is the one to make jokes or sarcastic comments about me not drinking.

After years apart, I'm going to see them this summer.
Who knows what will come of this?

Although I play my part,
it's not down to me.

I love them both.
I hope that one day they may follow my example.

I pray that I never follow their path again.
They serve as a warning.

sleepie

Personally I hadn't told anyone I quit. I just stopped drinking and turned it down when offered.

I never got any support from the one person I did tell, my significant other. Not a once.

I just gave up on it and relied on the site here for support. But I sure would have been bowled right over if he had ever mentioned it once.

Honestly I am thinking you should just be thankful for those who do admire your efforts and forget the rest.

entropy1964

Oh and I read an intersting quote today....and I paraphrase: the way people make us feel is how they feel the world feels about them....or something like that.

FormerWineGirl

One of my close friends, who is also an alcoholic, is simply amazed that I no longer drink. She is supportive of my decision, but simply cannot fathom how I actually live life now without alcohol. But the truth is, I would probably be just as mystified as she is if the tables were turned.

It could be similar with situation with your brother. Maybe he just don't understand how someone can make the decision to put it down. However, he should at least be supportive of your decision.

Leshar

Congratulations on over 7 months!
My siblings have given me no support, or acknowledgement. I've been made to feel like a pariah. I am no longer included in their holiday plans/ get togethers. They're big drinkers. It hurts a lot. I do understand how you must feel about your brother. I like what Carl said about unmet expectations. I'm still trying to work on this. I'd say with your brother, the less said about your recovery to him, the better.
Good luck with your move! Keep us posted, lots of support here!