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Am I Being Over-Sensitive?

Old 06-09-2016, 09:58 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Sounds to me like he could be taking what you said about your drinking as implied criticism of his own. He could also be fearful of losing the closeness new has through you being a drinking buddy as well as a sibling.

Whatever his reasons, you know where he's coming from now so can adjust your expectations of him to protect yourself from being surprised and hurt by it next time. (There's a good reason for AAers using the serenity prayer like they do asking for the serenity to accept what we can't change -other people) and the courage to change the things we can (ourself, including our expectations ) and the wisdom to know the diffrence).

Acceptance isn't about whether they are right or wrong. Just accepting that's how they are and we can't change that. What other people think of us really doesn't need to be any of our business. The alternative is letting ut niggle away and likely cause a horrible toxic little resentment, and those things are toxic to our recovery.
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Old 06-09-2016, 11:56 PM
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Thank you SO very much for all your help and guidance.

It's all duly noted and it has all "gone in".

There's so much love and support and wisdom in this community, I feel blessed that you're here and helping and giving so much.

Apologies for being soppy but you're such beautiful people, I want to meet you all and hug you all and love you all.

Thanks again. :-)

Simon.
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Old 06-10-2016, 12:42 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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morning mate,

I remember back to your original trip and you mentioning then how you felt with your brother so can understand that it frustrates you that he is not showing a little more understanding and support further down the line however I like what BB has mentioned above and it does ring oh so true regarding things we can change and things we can't and acceptance of the way others are towards us, you know what is right for you and I most certainly wouldn't let what anyone and I mean anyone thought get in the way of where we are and where we are going on this journey, let it go mate as he's like others said probably still a little confused / upset that he's lost his drinking partner and what he see's as the laughs you had whilst knocking them back, the fact you are more than comfortable to be around social situations I think he'll come round soon and understand that your not just taking time off, hopefully time will show him that its a decision you have made and are happy with / enjoying and from meeting you I can tell that you are still a great laugh and great person to be around full stop, he'll come round to it in time I expect as he won't want to miss out on being around you when you're home or he comes to visit. Good luck with the move mate
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Old 06-10-2016, 02:47 AM
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It is your problem, not his. Whatever your brother says or does has no bearing on whether or not you will recover. You can recover regardless of anyone.
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Old 06-10-2016, 08:54 AM
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I relate. Similar dynamic in my family. My father is also an alcoholic (now sober). My siblings drink, and we used to drink together quite a lot, as well as drink quite a lot together. My elder sister cut down some years ago, but another sister has not. Elder sister is supportive of my quitting, other sister does not quite get it. Like you, I tried explaining it to her. Initially, she seemed more interested in finding out how much I did drink, as a barometer for her own drinking, I felt. We don't live in the same country so it sometimes slips her mind I've stopped. Once we were relaxing together, and she seemed put out upon realising I wasn't drinking because it meant "she couldn't drink with me anymore". Which of course is not true - she can drink all she wants around me. We are due to meet up on a short holiday which involves wine country. Again there was a slightly pouty moment when she realised I wouldn't be imbibing. "Oh, but you won't be drinking." As if it would spoil her good time.

I don't know what it is - is it that our sobering up is too much of a mirror to our siblings' own drinking, as others have suggested? Or is it, as I believe, also having to face up to the fact that the ghastly form of alcoholism that blighted our childhoods is still not completely gone.

And like you, I'm fairly upbeat about my sobriety in general, but this lack of understanding from my sister rankles.

I completely understand on a rational level that it doesn't matter - I don't even see her that often. But the issue is there. I will ignore it, like you are choosing to. But I have a feeling it will show up again in the future in some form.
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Old 06-10-2016, 09:02 AM
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Since getting sober my relationships have improved with all my family apart from my dad. That has been a real sticking point with me as far as my step work and things are concerned. I think it's because, even as a child, my time with my dad has been published based. And then as a teen we drank together, and on through my 20ies and 30ies. We had little / no contact with each other that wasn't in a pub for all that time. So now, I don't drink. I don't go in the pub so much, and neither does he (he moved to somewhere where there are very few bars). I suppose, as well, it's a bit like other drinking buddies, that when you're all drunk together you feel like comrades or a double act, and seeing each other sober just isn't the same. Some drinking buddies turn out to be friends in sobriety, but not many. When that's people in our family that can be disappointing.
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Old 06-10-2016, 09:14 AM
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Originally Posted by sleepie View Post
Personally I hadn't told anyone I quit. I just stopped drinking and turned it down when offered.

I never got any support from the one person I did tell, my significant other. Not a once.

I just gave up on it and relied on the site here for support. But I sure would have been bowled right over if he had ever mentioned it once.

Honestly I am thinking you should just be thankful for those who do admire your efforts and forget the rest.
Same here Sleepie!
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Old 06-10-2016, 09:21 AM
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Maybe he has a drinking problem of his own he is in denial about.

Just food for thought.

Congrats on your own sobriety, it is wonderful that you have made this choice for yourself!
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Old 06-10-2016, 12:46 PM
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Purely shocking how much family dynamics are affected by alcohol. Sounds like he is projecting his own suppressed anger onto you and it has little to do with you. Congrats on everything.
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Old 06-10-2016, 01:04 PM
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Hang in there Tufty, you're doing great. We can't ever predict who will be supportive and who will act differently after we quit. You can only control you and again, you're doing great. Your brother might just not know how to react; although I would do it differently than he has done to you.

Like some of the others have said, maybe it's time to have a talk with your brother about how his actions make you feel. I'm one of those people that if something's bothering me, best to get it out in the open quickly rather than let it fester.
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Old 06-10-2016, 03:12 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Gottalife View Post
It is your problem, not his. Whatever your brother says or does has no bearing on whether or not you will recover. You can recover regardless of anyone.
I've got some lodgers in at the moment & one of them is a crazy hippy body therapist from Catalunia. She is also a reiki healer. She may seam as mad as a box of frogs but she's actually one of the wisest people I've ever met in my life.

I won't bore you with the detail but not long after she moved in she attacked me verbally; she reacted to something I'd said to her.

It cut me to the quick, the pain was intense, I didn't cry but I wanted to.
It took me a couple of minutes to recover my composure & I calmly said "that wasn't OKAY Nelia, that was extremely hurtful"

She apologised and explained her "stuff" to me.

However, she very quickly pointed out that every time we feel pain like I did, there lies an opportunity to grow from. Rather react to the pain to make it go away, make yourself vulnerable and follow the feeling to its source. Understand that and grow from it.

Gottalife's post hurt me a little, some others did too but the above one hurt most. So I followed the pain and decided that the pain comes from the realisation I have to take 100% of the responsibility for my sobriety.

Thanks to all the replies, once again it feels like a privilege to be here with you all.

PS, sober wolf posted a great ted talk on vulnerability some time ago. I don't recall the lady's name but it was brilliant.
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Old 06-10-2016, 05:17 PM
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The truth will set you free, but first it will tend to make you miserable.

That was a giant chunk of humility Tufty. I wondered if I was a little too direct, but this was a realisation that I also had to come to. I am the alcholic here, I am the one with the problem. It is not up to anyone else to change to suit me. It's my problem.

Once I could accept that, I was well on my way to a solution. I trust you will be too.
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Old 06-11-2016, 01:22 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Gottalife View Post
The truth will set you free, but first it will tend to make you miserable.

That was a giant chunk of humility Tufty. I wondered if I was a little too direct, but this was a realisation that I also had to come to. I am the alcholic here, I am the one with the problem. It is not up to anyone else to change to suit me. It's my problem.

Once I could accept that, I was well on my way to a solution. I trust you will be too.
It is a realisation I have had to come to as well. The first time I spoke to about my feelings around my dad in AA, a man who I have a lot of respect for approached me in coffee time and asked, 'is your dad doing anything different to what he always does?' Of course, I replied that no, he's always this bad. Well, thats the shortened version anyway. Lol. Then he said to me 'so why did YOU expect him to be different?' He explained to me that 'my part' in this problem is me holding onto false expectations and letting wishful thinking direct me. Ohhhh! Was I mad!! Here was I telling him all the things my dad had done wrong, and this bloke was picking on me, and making it all my fault? I fumed all the way home, but like I said, I've always respected this man, and what he'd said in the past always seemed sane and helpful, so I prayed on the resentment I was forming for him, and thought back about it. And (eventually) I realised that he was right. It is insane of me to expect my dad (in his 70s now) to change from how he's always been, and that insanity doesn't hurt him. It hurts me, as resentments always do. HE is the Acceptance part of the deal, MY expectations are the Change part of the deal. And good old Nick, well I suppose while I didn't have that wisdom myself, he was there to lend me some of his, even though he knew I might not like it.

God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change,
The courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.


For the record, I still occasionally struggle a little with issues around my dad, but nowadays I know that if I do some work around my expectations then I'll get over it, and that does work. Hopefully as I continue to do this work on this, my acceptance around my dad will start to come more naturally for me. It's one of those Simple, but not necessarily Easy things. But, according to my mother, that's what I was like with walking at first, and nowadays I do just fine with that (esp now I'm sober lol).

And you know, one of the amazing things about me being responsible for how we react to things others say and do, is that I no longer have to feel a victim. I felt like a victim for years, always reacting to others, or my fears about others, at the drop of a hat. I never even realised it was a choice! That was something that I realised after my AA step 5. It was immediately scary, but so, so freeing. That doesn't mean to say I don't feel the pain of someone being beastly, BUT I don't need to attach myself to that pain now. I can observe it, then make the decision to let that go. It can be a real 'chewy' conscious decision for me sometimes. I ask myself 'BB, be honest, do you WANT to feel better?' And sometimes I'll rage back 'No, I effing don't. ' followed by some inner rant about how things or people 'should' be. And just have to remind myself, that I can choose to feel better any time I like. If I make the decision to wallow in this thing,then that's my own fault. Sometimes once fear or hurt or whatever has flipped into anger, I can wear my rage like some like of invisible armour. Thing is, that armour has spikes. And those spikes are on the inside as well as the outside.

Anyway. That turned into a bit of a ramble didn't it. Sorry about that. Anyway - take care. And well done for being so reflective x
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Old 06-11-2016, 10:31 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Maybe your brother is slightly envious of your sobriety? People are strange at times! Let it go, whatever his thoughts are about this are not your concern x 7 months is awesome going and that is what is important
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Old 06-11-2016, 10:46 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by tufty13 View Post
Hi all,
I need to vent a little because I'm giving this too much energy and it's nibbling away at my positivity. I might even be angry, I don't know.

When I decided to call it a day on my near forty year drinking habit everyone was exceptionally generous with their words of support. Especially very close friends & family. My tee-total older brother who I'm not particularly close to even said that he had so much admiration for me.

The exception though has been my younger brother.

A month after I quit I spent a weekend away with him and mutual drinking friends, during which time I told him everything; including my drinking cycles that I'd recognised, the fact I could always stop for a bit but it would always escalate again. The fact that I was drinking alone at home etc etc. and that my drinking had been a major factor in the break up of my marriage.

He consistently told me I was exaggerating the problem in my head.

"The fact you haven't drunk for a month proves you're not an alcoholic" was just one of his lines. There were others.

I stood my ground and was absolutely explicit with him and told him that I will never touch alcohol again.

I'd thought he'd give me more support than that or at the very least not try and persuade me to drink. Our father was a drunk who died of cirrhosis of the liver at a pretty young age, and me as a teenager and young adult spent a lot of time emotional energy trying to get him sober. So again, I'd hoped there would be at least some empathy.

Fast forward to last weekend and I had a gathering of friends and family round to my house so I could say goodbye to them before I leave the country. I'm now over seven months sober.

At one point during the day he asked me "so how's the not drinking going?" Perhaps he thought the long cocktail-like drink in my hand was an alcoholic one because he said it so sarcastically that I did react a bit, I very quickly turned to him and said quite calmly but looking him straight in the eye, "like I told you, I will never drink again"

He replied "whatever works for you" and walked away.

It's left me feeling pretty crap really. It's a few days ago now and I clearly can't let it go because here I am whinging about it. It's not like I've ever given up drinking before or even said I'm going to give up drinking, I can't see a reason why he couldn't at least acknowledge it to be a positive move. We used to be very close.

Sorry for the rant. I rarely start a thread so it's clearly a very big thing to me to want to get it off my chest.

Thanks for listening! :-)
Congrats on seven months so you... I'm proud of you!!

It's totally okay to rant tufts... We got your back 😎
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