The beast got me...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 156
The beast got me...
I'm so ashamed, disappointed, anxious, feelings of impending doom...
This past weekend I had a horrible experience, and I relapsed. After a good 4 month run. The beast never left.
But I am more determined than ever to get sober, completely. No more.
I have no one else to talk to about this, so thanks for reading...
This past weekend I had a horrible experience, and I relapsed. After a good 4 month run. The beast never left.
But I am more determined than ever to get sober, completely. No more.
I have no one else to talk to about this, so thanks for reading...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
good for you for getting back here so quickly.
you are right, the beast NEVER dies, it NEVER sleeps, it will always lurk in the bushes. so we must remain vigilant. and build up our sober response to life's events.
you are right, the beast NEVER dies, it NEVER sleeps, it will always lurk in the bushes. so we must remain vigilant. and build up our sober response to life's events.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 133
Glad you found your way back here.
All those horrendous feelings after a relapse, I know them too well. As counterintuitive as it may seem right now, be kind to yourself. Beating yourself up is of no value whatsoever right now.
You'll get it this time. Many are rooting for you!
All those horrendous feelings after a relapse, I know them too well. As counterintuitive as it may seem right now, be kind to yourself. Beating yourself up is of no value whatsoever right now.
You'll get it this time. Many are rooting for you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 156
Thank you all so much. I didn't want to come here because I felt so ashamed of myself, but i'm glad I did.
The number one is that I need my sobriety to be from EVERYTHING, not just alcohol. I have a cannabis addiction too, and it slowly got worse as I quit drinking. I saw it coming, but now I know for certain I cannot use ANY substance.
Thank you...that is my plan. 
Originally Posted by ScottFromWI 
Welcome back SolidKarma. Any ideas on what you might do differently this time to make it work? How can we help?
Originally Posted by maimaitreya
Only thing to do is get back at it and fight back. Never give up. Don't let your AV beat you up or talk you into a drink. Stay in sobriety.
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
good for you for getting back here so quickly.
you are right, the beast NEVER dies, it NEVER sleeps, it will always lurk in the bushes. so we must remain vigilant. and build up our sober response to life's events.
you are right, the beast NEVER dies, it NEVER sleeps, it will always lurk in the bushes. so we must remain vigilant. and build up our sober response to life's events.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 156
Originally Posted by Kelly12390
Glad you found your way back here.
All those horrendous feelings after a relapse, I know them too well. As counterintuitive as it may seem right now, be kind to yourself. Beating yourself up is of no value whatsoever right now.
You'll get it this time. Many are rooting for you!
All those horrendous feelings after a relapse, I know them too well. As counterintuitive as it may seem right now, be kind to yourself. Beating yourself up is of no value whatsoever right now.
You'll get it this time. Many are rooting for you!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 3,293
Maybe look at it this way. You lost a weekend, but gained 4 months. Learn from what happened this weekend, add to your sober plans to keep this from happening again, then move forward. As you already know, staying sober is very hard work. Sometimes, the hardest part of staying sober is to get up after falling down and keep going. You can do this. John
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,524
SolidKarma - I'm glad you wanted to talk about what happened.
I did this a few times. Once, I went back out for years (like Kevin). I guess I needed further proof that I'd never be a social drinker - no matter how much willpower I thought I could use to moderate. When the first drink hits me, anything can happen. I was putting myself in dangerous & embarrassing situations. I don't know why I held on to it for so long - it feels wonderful to be free of it. You're going to do this.
I did this a few times. Once, I went back out for years (like Kevin). I guess I needed further proof that I'd never be a social drinker - no matter how much willpower I thought I could use to moderate. When the first drink hits me, anything can happen. I was putting myself in dangerous & embarrassing situations. I don't know why I held on to it for so long - it feels wonderful to be free of it. You're going to do this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 156
Originally Posted by 2muchpain
Maybe look at it this way. You lost a weekend, but gained 4 months. Learn from what happened this weekend, add to your sober plans to keep this from happening again, then move forward. As you already know, staying sober is very hard work. Sometimes, the hardest part of staying sober is to get up after falling down and keep going. You can do this. John
Originally Posted by Hevyn
SolidKarma - I'm glad you wanted to talk about what happened.
I did this a few times. Once, I went back out for years (like Kevin). I guess I needed further proof that I'd never be a social drinker - no matter how much willpower I thought I could use to moderate. When the first drink hits me, anything can happen. I was putting myself in dangerous & embarrassing situations. I don't know why I held on to it for so long - it feels wonderful to be free of it. You're going to do this.
I did this a few times. Once, I went back out for years (like Kevin). I guess I needed further proof that I'd never be a social drinker - no matter how much willpower I thought I could use to moderate. When the first drink hits me, anything can happen. I was putting myself in dangerous & embarrassing situations. I don't know why I held on to it for so long - it feels wonderful to be free of it. You're going to do this.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 376
You slipped and fell, now you have to get right back up and commit to working your plan.
We can never get complacent and our AV never leaves. It is always there and it takes daily effort to make sure it stays locked away.
You can do this SolidKarma.
We can never get complacent and our AV never leaves. It is always there and it takes daily effort to make sure it stays locked away.
You can do this SolidKarma.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 156
I feel I wanted to talk about another thing that was fascinating to me. Especially to other newcomers who might come look at these posts.
Some say that alcoholism is progressive, and even when you quit drinking, it stays right where you left it.
Now I had a hard time understanding or believing this. Because physiologically, tolerance to alcohol should go down when you stop drinking. I didn't drink for almost 4 months, and thus I thought when I relapsed 1 beer would mess me up!
Not even close. My tolerance was even HIGHER than the last time I drank! I easily drank 12 beers in a day, and I used to be done with 6.
I couldn't even believe this! I was experiencing first hand the progressive nature of my addiction. In fact, I can't even begin to think how this is possible, phyisologically. Anyway, just wanted to throw that out there.
Some say that alcoholism is progressive, and even when you quit drinking, it stays right where you left it.
Now I had a hard time understanding or believing this. Because physiologically, tolerance to alcohol should go down when you stop drinking. I didn't drink for almost 4 months, and thus I thought when I relapsed 1 beer would mess me up!
Not even close. My tolerance was even HIGHER than the last time I drank! I easily drank 12 beers in a day, and I used to be done with 6.
I couldn't even believe this! I was experiencing first hand the progressive nature of my addiction. In fact, I can't even begin to think how this is possible, phyisologically. Anyway, just wanted to throw that out there.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by Kelly12390
Beating yourself up is of no value whatsoever right now.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
Welcome back! I used to use relapsing an excuse to just continue to use, use, use because "Hey what is the difference? I already messed up anyway". BUT THAT IS NOT THE CASE.
Use this as an experience to show yourself where your recovery was lacking before and what you can implement into your recovery plan to be successful this time. Journaling has helped me watch myself grow and keep me accountable, also having a substance abuse counselor has been an amazing resource for finding ways to better myself and to force me to talk and think about things that I would like to keep buried in the back of my mind.
You can do this! As for being sober from every substance, I believe that once you become addicted to one substance you already have a personality that will turn to excess with anything you take so I even monitor how much I take of Benadryl, Aleive, etc. because I know that I have the propensity to over do anything and everything
Use this as an experience to show yourself where your recovery was lacking before and what you can implement into your recovery plan to be successful this time. Journaling has helped me watch myself grow and keep me accountable, also having a substance abuse counselor has been an amazing resource for finding ways to better myself and to force me to talk and think about things that I would like to keep buried in the back of my mind.
You can do this! As for being sober from every substance, I believe that once you become addicted to one substance you already have a personality that will turn to excess with anything you take so I even monitor how much I take of Benadryl, Aleive, etc. because I know that I have the propensity to over do anything and everything
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,466
Solidkarma, I'm so glad you came back. You had 4 good months and I'm sure you learned a lot about yourself and life without alcohol. You can regain those feelings. I'm sorry for what happened that pushed you to drink, but now you know how truly tricky this disease is, you can be prepared. 
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 3,805
Originally Posted by SolidKarma
My tolerance was even HIGHER than the last time I drank! I easily drank 12 beers in a day, and I used to be done with 6. I couldn't even believe this! I was experiencing first hand the progressive nature of my addiction.
Glad your back SK. You can do this. Your on your way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 156
This site never ceases to amaze me. This morning I was desperate, heart broken, literally contemplating being alive...I didn't want to post here...I'm so glad I did.
I think it's fair to say that if it wasn't for all of your kind words of support I would be drinking right now. Instead, i'm getting my apartment cleaned up, and heading to a meeting in an hour.
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
I think it's fair to say that if it wasn't for all of your kind words of support I would be drinking right now. Instead, i'm getting my apartment cleaned up, and heading to a meeting in an hour.
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
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