Fabela

My mental state is not good. I am filled with self hate and I am self destructive. I have already cut myself superficially twice, but now I want to go deeper. This is extremely scary for me, I know that I need help, but I don't want to reach out to someone, I want to suffer.

I don't know what to do.

Behappy1

Get the help that you need. I fought it for so long. "I can do this on my own". This mentality left me complacent. Keep fighting. Nobody deserves to suffer, get to the ER. No shame in asking for help. The only shame is doing more of the same.

SparkleKitty

But you came here, right? You reached out. There is *some* part of you that wants help. Feed that wolf, Fabela.

Opivotal

((Fabela)) Deep down you know what to do.

Get yourself some help.

Your way isn't working.

SoberLeigh

(((Fabela, sweetheart))).

Please seek the help that you so deserve.

ScottFromWI

I think you've laid it out pretty clearly fabela. We're here to give you advice on where the help can be found, but at the end of the day you are the only one who can make the effort to accept and do it.

Perhaps you could use your family as motivation first if you can't do it for yourself? Ruining our own lives is one thing, but desroying the lives of those around us is quite another. That was what really slapped me in the face...that my selfishness toward my addiction over my kids was undeiniable.

Soberwolf

Fabela seek help x

entropy1964

Hi Fabela

I cut myself at times also. I know the terror and fascination.

Do you have a plan with your psych for how to handle these times? If not go to the ER and get help. When you are feeling better I would recommend an emergency plan with your psych. I believe you said you have PTSD. It is a must for those of us dealing with this unpredictable beast. Are you drinking?

Fabela

I have a plan for times like these, but when this happens I deliberately don't follow it. I am not drinking now.

Delilah1

I'm glad you're not drinking, but you still need help for the cutting. I know it is difficult to get in touch with psych on Sundays, but you can get some help at ER.

Please check in with us throughout the day and let us know how you are Fabela.

thomas11

Hi Fabela, I've been following your posts. I think you need to listen to the logical side of your brain and put the emotional side on hold for now. Your reaching out and that is great. Maybe try reaching just a bit further? Keep us posted.

ScottFromWI

What is that plan? If you cannnot ( or will not ) follow it please tell someone who is physically able to help. We can only do so much here "virtually". It's possible you may need to be somewhere that you can be supervised for a while, but that's OK. Remember it's not just you that you are hurting.

saoutchik

Fabela, it sounds like you need to get help in order to rid yourself of that "self hate" that you referenced and to get your rational self back in control.

It is really good that you are not drinking and even better that you posted here before doing anything more serious so keep following that path

Good luck Fabela

entropy1964

Hi Fabela
Yeah I do that too, but only when drinking.

The only way its going to work is for you to make that choice. I hope you do. You don't deserve to suffer.

Fabela

I am working on that every single day. I am in therapy, I am challenging myself, I do all the little things that I know will make me feel better, I am trying to take better care of myself. But every time I do that, the self hate kicks in and I self sabotage. After I started this thread I have managed to control my actions, I have not cut myself or had anything to drink, but my thoughts and feelings are impossible to control right now. Hubby is here now and he has offered to take me to the ER if I need it, and I feel safer. I think that I'll be able to get through the day without any drama.

But then there's tomorrow, and I am worried. I think I will call my therapist and see if she has time to see me, if not, I'll call my Dr. Don't want to risk anything.

Anna

That sounds like a good plan, Fabela.

least

I hope you get the help you need, whether you want it or not.

Hawkeye13

((((((((Fabela))))))))

Fabela

I survived the day. Going to bed now. Thanks, guys.

sugarbear1

Sending Love and Hugs

Please follow up tomorrow and let us know what's going on