Back again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ontario
Posts: 82
Back again
This is what happens. I want to get some control over my drinking, I come here for a while, it helps, then I leave, then the drinking slowly progresses, then I come back again. Rinse and repeat.
The current stage- I can't seem to get through a weekend without drinking, and now Thursdays are increasingly hard to wait. About a month ago a couple times I drank to the point of blacking out- one just a bit, the second one longer.
I know why I drink- yes the addictive factor, but also it is the only time (it seems like) that I can get a break from my chronic anxiety/chronic stress & tension. I'm a trauma survivor and have complex PTSD and even with years and years of therapy I still struggle to cope and alcohol helps. So it is a coping mechanism. It does help me. But it has its own price to pay.
Why else do I drink? Bc who cares if I do or not, very isolated with few friends or family, when there are no consequences it's hard to come up with a reason why not.
So why do I want to stop? Or control it, because yes I'm one of those that thinks I can control it, limit it, reduce it. Not sure if that is true or not. But I should be honest about my goal.
For the last few years, I haven't been able to go more than three weeks without drinking and as I said now it is every weekend. What would my goal be? Only on a long weekend or holiday which would be much less- I haven't been able to stick with that for a long time.
I wish too that I could stop judging myself and going round in circles beating myself up. I wish that I could be a little gentler and kindler and patient. I guess compassion is the word.
The current stage- I can't seem to get through a weekend without drinking, and now Thursdays are increasingly hard to wait. About a month ago a couple times I drank to the point of blacking out- one just a bit, the second one longer.
I know why I drink- yes the addictive factor, but also it is the only time (it seems like) that I can get a break from my chronic anxiety/chronic stress & tension. I'm a trauma survivor and have complex PTSD and even with years and years of therapy I still struggle to cope and alcohol helps. So it is a coping mechanism. It does help me. But it has its own price to pay.
Why else do I drink? Bc who cares if I do or not, very isolated with few friends or family, when there are no consequences it's hard to come up with a reason why not.
So why do I want to stop? Or control it, because yes I'm one of those that thinks I can control it, limit it, reduce it. Not sure if that is true or not. But I should be honest about my goal.
For the last few years, I haven't been able to go more than three weeks without drinking and as I said now it is every weekend. What would my goal be? Only on a long weekend or holiday which would be much less- I haven't been able to stick with that for a long time.
I wish too that I could stop judging myself and going round in circles beating myself up. I wish that I could be a little gentler and kindler and patient. I guess compassion is the word.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,429
My anxiety actually increased over time with drinking.
Stopping was hard and escalated it for a bit, but then the
fear and anxiety really ebbed away as my sober time increased.
Have you considered really committing to a full year of sober time?
(that's what I did to see if longer term made a difference instead
of the rinse repeat cycle you mention)
The things you are medicating for may actually be worse with drinking now.
I replaced drinking with short-term therapy, meditation, yoga, time in Nature, etc.
and have had excellent results.
I also had quite a bit of childhood and adult trauma and used drinking to cope.
Then it didn't work anymore.
Wishing you the best milly--
Stopping was hard and escalated it for a bit, but then the
fear and anxiety really ebbed away as my sober time increased.
Have you considered really committing to a full year of sober time?
(that's what I did to see if longer term made a difference instead
of the rinse repeat cycle you mention)
The things you are medicating for may actually be worse with drinking now.
I replaced drinking with short-term therapy, meditation, yoga, time in Nature, etc.
and have had excellent results.
I also had quite a bit of childhood and adult trauma and used drinking to cope.
Then it didn't work anymore.
Wishing you the best milly--
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Central Texas
Posts: 223
I also thought drinking helped my anxiety and depression, it's a delusion that keeps us drinking. About a month ago I got suicidal when drunk and finally went to my psychiatrist and told him everything. We changed meds, started therapy, and I stopped drinking. The anxiety and depression is still there but not as bad, what I have discovered is that I just didn't want to tolerate the feelings. Eventually they pass.
I escaped consequences for the most part only by chance. I was doing things I thought I would never do - driving drunk to the store, driving while drinking (never thought I would do that!) and it was only going to be a matter of time before things got a lot worse.
I wish you the best. The first couple weeks are the hardest for me, being ashamed of myself but it passes, especially with support and kindness from others.
Hugs
I escaped consequences for the most part only by chance. I was doing things I thought I would never do - driving drunk to the store, driving while drinking (never thought I would do that!) and it was only going to be a matter of time before things got a lot worse.
I wish you the best. The first couple weeks are the hardest for me, being ashamed of myself but it passes, especially with support and kindness from others.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ontario
Posts: 82
Thanks for reading and the support. I know you're both right...Hawkeye meditation does help, that is something new I've been trying the last few months.
Dazee yeah I absolutely don't want to tolerate the feelings. That is what this is about.
I'm trying to think what are my reasons for wanting to stop- it does make me more depressed. It takes my energy away. It's not healthy and yes it makes me eat crap food. It isolates me more- like today I was supposed to go on a walk with a hiking group including a couple of people I'm getting to know, and I cancelled because I was drinking last night.
I'm not happy with my life and I haven't been for a long time. I know the things to do to change it, I just haven't been able to find the strength. I want to be open to the possibility and give it a chance.
Dazee yeah I absolutely don't want to tolerate the feelings. That is what this is about.
I'm trying to think what are my reasons for wanting to stop- it does make me more depressed. It takes my energy away. It's not healthy and yes it makes me eat crap food. It isolates me more- like today I was supposed to go on a walk with a hiking group including a couple of people I'm getting to know, and I cancelled because I was drinking last night.
I'm not happy with my life and I haven't been for a long time. I know the things to do to change it, I just haven't been able to find the strength. I want to be open to the possibility and give it a chance.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Revise everything you can do to remain sober as part of a plan
The best thing you can do is accept you have a major drinking problem if you know you have no control stop now & get proactive in sobriety it's the only way to stop the madness
Stick with us become accountable make a thread and make it a daily thing to pop in & do some reading and some posting
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html
The best thing you can do is accept you have a major drinking problem if you know you have no control stop now & get proactive in sobriety it's the only way to stop the madness
Stick with us become accountable make a thread and make it a daily thing to pop in & do some reading and some posting
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
This is what happens. I want to get some control over my drinking, I come here for a while, it helps, then I leave, then the drinking slowly progresses, then I come back again. Rinse and repeat.
VERSUS
why do I want to stop? Or control it, because yes I'm one of those that thinks I can control it, limit it, reduce it. Not sure if that is true or not. But I should be honest about my goal.
I think these two statements contradict each other. Isn't addiction crazy?
Drink helps your PTSD? I drink to shut it off, usually I'm already pretty out of touch with reality when I start, but it always makes it much worse.
I can only tell you that as an alcoholic I cannot be on the fence about quitting. It is or it isn't. I cannot control it.
VERSUS
why do I want to stop? Or control it, because yes I'm one of those that thinks I can control it, limit it, reduce it. Not sure if that is true or not. But I should be honest about my goal.
I think these two statements contradict each other. Isn't addiction crazy?
Drink helps your PTSD? I drink to shut it off, usually I'm already pretty out of touch with reality when I start, but it always makes it much worse.
I can only tell you that as an alcoholic I cannot be on the fence about quitting. It is or it isn't. I cannot control it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
I could have written this post a few months ago, except substitute weekends with daily, no blackouts, but drinking every day.
I joined SR in 2012 and was able to have some extended periods of sobriety, followed by thinking I could moderate, a d when I was attempting moderation I stopped posting. Moderation never worked for me. I would start out thinking I could just have a glass of wine, but would spend too much time thinking about drinking. I slowly started adding just one more glass, and slowly found myself drinking a bottle of wine every night, often followed by eating junk food at late hours.
NYE I decided I was needed to stop doing this. I started logging into SR several times a day, and spent time reading and posting, I added walking and yoga into my week, and made a plan for the time I would have been drinking. I have a little more than five months of sobriety and I am feeling better physically and mentally. My anxiety has lessened, I have lost most of the weight I gained drinking and eating junk food, and I am more present with my family, friends, and at work.
Your hiking group sounds like a good way to meet others, and also spend your time.
Give sobriety a shot, Try logging on here and reading and posting before you decide to pick up a drink, join the June class, you will find a group of people who are at the same point in sobriety that you are at.
Looking forward to seeing you on SR!!!
I joined SR in 2012 and was able to have some extended periods of sobriety, followed by thinking I could moderate, a d when I was attempting moderation I stopped posting. Moderation never worked for me. I would start out thinking I could just have a glass of wine, but would spend too much time thinking about drinking. I slowly started adding just one more glass, and slowly found myself drinking a bottle of wine every night, often followed by eating junk food at late hours.
NYE I decided I was needed to stop doing this. I started logging into SR several times a day, and spent time reading and posting, I added walking and yoga into my week, and made a plan for the time I would have been drinking. I have a little more than five months of sobriety and I am feeling better physically and mentally. My anxiety has lessened, I have lost most of the weight I gained drinking and eating junk food, and I am more present with my family, friends, and at work.
Your hiking group sounds like a good way to meet others, and also spend your time.
Give sobriety a shot, Try logging on here and reading and posting before you decide to pick up a drink, join the June class, you will find a group of people who are at the same point in sobriety that you are at.
Looking forward to seeing you on SR!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
I think you have a great opportunity to get a hold of this before it really gets out of control. You mentioned when you leave this site, you slip back into bad habits. Maybe make this site a part of your daily reading. I was a weekend warrior as well, but I could (and have) see how it can progress to daily drinking, then all day drinking and so on. If you are able to put a stop to it now, I believe you will save yourself from more pain and suffering.
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