I've Built a Wall
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Washington state
Posts: 571
I've Built a Wall
I've built a wall of shame. It's a very large wall and I need to knock it down.
I've admitted to myself and all you wonderful people here that I am an alcoholic. I will be 7 months sober in a couple days after 25 years of drinking.
But everyone else in my life has no clue. No clue I had (have) a problem or that I've quit drinking. I swear. No clue.
Impossible! you say. But it's true. I abhorred a sloppy drunk and set out not to be. My husband works early hours and I'm alone from 6PM onward. He knows I drank a bit, but ignorant to the extent.
PAWS has been kicking my behind. I've been keeping a journal and noticing a pattern. But this doesn't help when I'm going through it.
The last episode lasted 3 days. I can only describe it as physical sorrow. It comes on irrationally and I search for reasons why it's happening. It's coming from internal, rather than external. I keep looking for external reasons and my poor husband catches hell in the process. I NEED to explain to him that it's PAWS and not him that's causing my turmoil. He's loved me for 30 years. It's the least I owe him.
And hence, the shame. Normies truly don't understand alcoholics and we truly don't understand them (how is one drink enough?)
I need to put my big girl pants on and come clean.
My husband deserves it.
I've admitted to myself and all you wonderful people here that I am an alcoholic. I will be 7 months sober in a couple days after 25 years of drinking.
But everyone else in my life has no clue. No clue I had (have) a problem or that I've quit drinking. I swear. No clue.
Impossible! you say. But it's true. I abhorred a sloppy drunk and set out not to be. My husband works early hours and I'm alone from 6PM onward. He knows I drank a bit, but ignorant to the extent.
PAWS has been kicking my behind. I've been keeping a journal and noticing a pattern. But this doesn't help when I'm going through it.
The last episode lasted 3 days. I can only describe it as physical sorrow. It comes on irrationally and I search for reasons why it's happening. It's coming from internal, rather than external. I keep looking for external reasons and my poor husband catches hell in the process. I NEED to explain to him that it's PAWS and not him that's causing my turmoil. He's loved me for 30 years. It's the least I owe him.
And hence, the shame. Normies truly don't understand alcoholics and we truly don't understand them (how is one drink enough?)
I need to put my big girl pants on and come clean.
My husband deserves it.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
very common.... I did it, too.
of course, once I started to disassemble the wall, I learned that it hadn't been nearly as high or solid as I'd believed. A lot of folks knew a lot more than I knew they knew.
A lot of people had politely not addressed the fact of my drinking problems with me directly.... but had experienced enough of me and my drinking to see it.
It's funny.... the wall we believe we erect to protect ourselves is painted on the inside with images we want to believe are the images of us. But people can see through the wall, a lot more than we imagine.
Anyway - take that wall down. There's no need for shame. Stepping into sobriety and choosing a better life for yourself and those who mean the most to you in your life is an admirable, wonderful thing. There's absolutely no shame in that. Owning up to what held you back, telling the truth, setting down the lies and the cover ups and the pretending.... these are freedom.
GO FOR IT!!!! KNOCK DOWN THAT WALL AND FLY FREE!
of course, once I started to disassemble the wall, I learned that it hadn't been nearly as high or solid as I'd believed. A lot of folks knew a lot more than I knew they knew.
A lot of people had politely not addressed the fact of my drinking problems with me directly.... but had experienced enough of me and my drinking to see it.
It's funny.... the wall we believe we erect to protect ourselves is painted on the inside with images we want to believe are the images of us. But people can see through the wall, a lot more than we imagine.
Anyway - take that wall down. There's no need for shame. Stepping into sobriety and choosing a better life for yourself and those who mean the most to you in your life is an admirable, wonderful thing. There's absolutely no shame in that. Owning up to what held you back, telling the truth, setting down the lies and the cover ups and the pretending.... these are freedom.
GO FOR IT!!!! KNOCK DOWN THAT WALL AND FLY FREE!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: CA.....Hometown : Sioux Falls
Posts: 2,624
Originally Posted by FreeOwl 
very common.... I did it, too.
of course, once I started to disassemble the wall, I learned that it hadn't been nearly as high or solid as I'd believed. A lot of folks knew a lot more than I knew they knew.
A lot of people had politely not addressed the fact of my drinking problems with me directly.... but had experienced enough of me and my drinking to see it.
It's funny.... the wall we believe we erect to protect ourselves is painted on the inside with images we want to believe are the images of us. But people can see through the wall, a lot more than we imagine.
Anyway - take that wall down. There's no need for shame. Stepping into sobriety and choosing a better life for yourself and those who mean the most to you in your life is an admirable, wonderful thing. There's absolutely no shame in that. Owning up to what held you back, telling the truth, setting down the lies and the cover ups and the pretending.... these are freedom.
GO FOR IT!!!! KNOCK DOWN THAT WALL AND FLY FREE!
of course, once I started to disassemble the wall, I learned that it hadn't been nearly as high or solid as I'd believed. A lot of folks knew a lot more than I knew they knew.
A lot of people had politely not addressed the fact of my drinking problems with me directly.... but had experienced enough of me and my drinking to see it.
It's funny.... the wall we believe we erect to protect ourselves is painted on the inside with images we want to believe are the images of us. But people can see through the wall, a lot more than we imagine.
Anyway - take that wall down. There's no need for shame. Stepping into sobriety and choosing a better life for yourself and those who mean the most to you in your life is an admirable, wonderful thing. There's absolutely no shame in that. Owning up to what held you back, telling the truth, setting down the lies and the cover ups and the pretending.... these are freedom.
GO FOR IT!!!! KNOCK DOWN THAT WALL AND FLY FREE!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 1,730
I get it. I really do. Like you, I drank in secret mostly. I never lost a job. Never got arrested. Never suffered any serious medical issues. And, when I quit, I didn't tell anyone, lest my efforts failed. And I certainly never told anyone (except you good people here) that I am an alcoholic. That was nearly 3 years ago. I have managed to stay sober since then.
I don't think you need to tell everyone that you are a recovering alcoholic. I haven't even used that expression with my wife. But I HAVE told her that I needed to quit. That alcohol had become a problem for me. (I am sure she already knew that - just as your husband probably knows it with you)
So, tell him about PAWS. Tell him everything. Or just tell him that you haven't had a drink for 7 months and that your mood swings are a normal part of your transition to a life without alcohol. If he has stuck with you through everything so far, I am sure he will be understanding about PAWS. And I bet it will do wonders for the feelings of shame that you are carrying around.
Good luck. Let us know how it goes.
I don't think you need to tell everyone that you are a recovering alcoholic. I haven't even used that expression with my wife. But I HAVE told her that I needed to quit. That alcohol had become a problem for me. (I am sure she already knew that - just as your husband probably knows it with you)
So, tell him about PAWS. Tell him everything. Or just tell him that you haven't had a drink for 7 months and that your mood swings are a normal part of your transition to a life without alcohol. If he has stuck with you through everything so far, I am sure he will be understanding about PAWS. And I bet it will do wonders for the feelings of shame that you are carrying around.
Good luck. Let us know how it goes.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Or, you could go about dealing with the effects of the PAWS and get some relief.
By all means tell him, but if you can do some work on your recovery and stop the tsunami and reach a more comfortable state of sobriety, why wouldn't you do that?
By all means tell him, but if you can do some work on your recovery and stop the tsunami and reach a more comfortable state of sobriety, why wouldn't you do that?
I hope telling your husband is a cathartic experience for you. 
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,474
As SW mentioned, Brene Brown has written a number of fantastic books on guilt and shame which I have found very helpful. If you read The Gift of Imperfection you will see that Brene Brown shows us that it's our imperfections that are common to all of us and that bring us together. That's why they are a gift. I LOVE it.
The Gift of Imperfection, and I Thought It was Just Me
The Gift of Imperfection, and I Thought It was Just Me
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 701
I'm sorry you are feeling bad lynnmarie. I completely understand what you are going through with PAWS. Fortunately, the episodes will start becoming farther apart. You are probably over the worst of it, or soon will be. Hang in there, your husband may know more than you think.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Washington state
Posts: 571
I told my sister. I wish my hubby had been the first but the opportunity came up and I got brave and grabbed it.
She complained about her drinking and I told her I'm an alcoholic. She admitted she was too. It was an amazing, wonderful conversation (I told her about this site and she said she'd check it out) and she told me she was proud of me. And she, too, encouraged me to tell my husband.
And I will very soon.
But, hey, I got my feet wet! And the water is fine!
She complained about her drinking and I told her I'm an alcoholic. She admitted she was too. It was an amazing, wonderful conversation (I told her about this site and she said she'd check it out) and she told me she was proud of me. And she, too, encouraged me to tell my husband.
And I will very soon.
But, hey, I got my feet wet! And the water is fine!
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