Smilax

I'm going to try to just speak for myself but I have a feeling that many of us share this quality. I am incapable of self compassion, don't know what it means to forgive myself for something. I am my own bully, task master and slave driver. I've been a perfectionist all my life. It's all or nothing, I'm never satisfied, always disappointed in myself.

I rarely ever forgive myself for anything and yet paradoxically I'm full of self pity. I hate myself. There is a narrative in my mind where I place myself as a tragic figure. Unlikeable, unlovable. And yet there is plenty of evidence to the contrary. I have friends who seem to like me, a family that is loving and supporting. But I push all that away. This tragic self picture makes it easier to drink to tell you the truth. The negative internal dialogue goes something like this, even if It's not voiced but unconscious "I am a pityable loser, sad, pathetic. So I might as well drink at least it gives me happiness. That sense of connection that I long for but don't have." Ironically I don't have it because I actively push it away or destroy it. It's all a very childish way of thinking. I even tear up thinking about myself because I feel so "sorry" for myself and of course this just leads me to want to drink more.

Can others relate to this way of thinking?

skjaldmaer

I can relate, but I think it's the lack of compassion for myself helps me in a way. I think of what a loser I am when I am drinking and don't forgive myself for doing it. Thus I quit drinking.

I feel like it's my compassionate self that gets in my way. It tells me I deserve to be happy even if I have to use alcohol to do it. It tells me I can do what I'd like without consequences just because I'm sad.

Guess there is a balance that is needed, but I definitely prefer my non compassionate self than the one who allows for self pity.

least

I used to be very depressed like that when I was drinking. I thought I was worthless, so why not? I had to be sober for long enough that the self loathing stopped. Then I had a chance to like myself for who I was.

thomas11

That's quite a paradoxical existence. Not sure I follow you being your harshest critic and bully, yet feel sorry for yourself? Anyway, I think it is more common than we think.

I try to be a high achiever and expect a lot from myself, it wasn't until I got married that I found someone that appreciated me for just being me. I learned to slow down and smell the roses a little.

Just as we need to learn how to live life without alcohol, we need to learn to treat ourselves well or at the very least, fair.

bluedog97

Yea, I can relate. I beat myself up for every little mistake. I think it's learned. I'm learning I'm not perfect nor will I ever be. We're allowed to make mistakes. It's called being human.

Carpathia

Some of that was true for me before I began working on myself and working on sobriety and recovery.

I think it's okay to feel sorry for yourself if it's in the service of grieving loss.

I've done alot of crying for myself since I stopped drinking, but I've learned not to confuse that necessary grieving work with the subtle, cunning voice of self-pity that comes up every now and then.

The difference between grief and self-pity, I think, is a repetition cycle. If the same thought patterns keep coming up, causing you to feel angry and miserable and sad, that to me is self-pity. You gotta learn to shut it down.

But if something from your past (or present) comes up that you haven't looked at before and you feel sad and you need to cry, I think it's okay. I think that's how we process and get rid of the junk.

Thank God I'm learning how to be compassionate to myself. Because the more compassion I can bring to myself, the more I can let go of the self-pity.

entropy1964

I totally relate. I've posted about this a lot lately. No matter what has happened in my past, as a child, whatever, it is over. I am not a victim and in order to recover I cannot indulge that mindset. I am my thoughts. So if think losing, self defeating self harming thoughts, well, that's my reality.

I have the choice and the ability to change my thinking. But it's effort, it doesn't come naturally. It takes practice to be grateful, to not judge and to show compassion for myself and others.

The negative, self pitying voice? That is my addiction. It loves misery....especially my own. My addiction is primitive, it's a lizard brain. I have a higher thinking brain that can over power it....with practice, effort and support. Your thinking that you say is not in line with reality? That is the distorted thinking of addiction, in my opinion. It must be questioned. This requires mindfulness.

ZenLifter

I get it, for sure, because I am also a recovering perfectionist. Compassion is something I'm learning, for myself and others. Being able to cut myself some slack for not being perfect is essential in this regard, otherwise I walk around hating myself and life in general for not meeting my expectations. And who wants to be around someone like that? Not me....and I get to live with myself 24 hours a day.

ilovedogs666

I relate to your post 100%. This is how I think and feel most of the time. I find that when I engage in recovery-related activities, such as going to AA meetings, talking to my sponsor, reading recovery-related stuff and talking to sober friends make me feel so much better.

I was full of self-pity all day since yesterday, thinking about how Im not good enough, my life sucks, obsessing over things, constantly thinking about all the things that I want but dont have. I just went to an AA meeting and I feel sooooo much better after sharing and hearing the other shares around the room. Honestly I feel like AA meetings help me balance my perspective and my thoughts about myself and my life. Going to meetings is something that I need to do (and want to do) if I want to have a balanced, somewhat healthy, not completely messed up way of thinking.

AdelineRose

I can definitely relate to the inner dialogue that you are currently experiencing. Personally, the longer I was sober the quieter that little voice in my head that said I wasn't worth anything, that I was unloveable, and that I needed to use in order to find some semblance of happiness.

It took a lot of self care work to get to where I am today. I can not express how important a substance abuse counselor was in my recovery. What I get out of my sessions is truly invaluable. Journaling has also helped me put into perspective what I am feeling, what I am doing about it currently, and what can be done. It also helps to be able to look back and see where I was a month ago, a half a year ago, a year ago, etc. and where I am now. It is amazing how much little changes in your life style can make over the long run.

Before you can truly move forward you have to find a way to love yourself and to forgive yourself for what has happened. You cannot change the past but you can change how you act today, and how to plan to react to situations in the future. It might seem like a daunting task, but it is a fight that is worth more than you could ever imagine.

NEVER give up on yourself, YOU ARE WORTH IT.

2ndhandrose

I can totally relate to everything you said in your post. I was filled with self hatred, I never measured up, I continually beat myself up over my lack of perfection and on top of all that I felt so sorry for myself and pushed away the people that loved me because I didn't feel like they felt sufficiently sorry for me, too.

I believed the solution was to continue drinking.

It turns out that when I quit drinking and gave myself some time and space to start recovering, only then was I able to honestly look at myself and at how warped my viewpoint was of myself. I started to understand that I was angry at the world for not fulfilling needs that I needed to fulfill for myself. I am a worthwhile work in progress but I couldn't have made it to this point without making a choice to put down my drink and start to work on recovery.

I now believe the solution is to live sober.

Berrybean

Yep. It's pretty spot on to my experiences as well. It like having two different people in our head, but both of them are insane so they don't balance each other out, just seesaw wildly from one extreme to the other.

Soberwolf

Give yourself time .. time is a great healer

dox

I used to beat myself up and wallow in self pity, over and again.
Some see this as a paradox, but it was a vicious circle for me.
Alcohol took this away, briefly.
Then alcohol made it worse.

Concepts like acceptance, humility, forgiveness and self-love were difficult to understand; never mind applying them to my life.

I was at war with myself.

Thank God I finally surrendered.

Here's a paradox:
we surrender to win.
We learn how in AA.

sugarbear1

We lack self-compassion but are full of self-pity...and we're self-centered and self-loathing....

shortstop81

Yes and YES. For me, self-loathing and pity were two sides of the same coin. My 'go-to' mode was one of self-loathing, and then I'd eventually break down in a puddle of self-pity. It was like a vicious circle, and even now in early sobriety I'm still working on it.

Self compassion is something that I actively work on every day. It doesn't come naturally to me, but it really DOES help. It helps me break through my 'all-or-nothing' mindset.

FreeOwl

there is a book called "Start Where You Are" by Pema Chodron which you may find helpful.

I did.

The journey of self love, self compassion, is a really important one - for all of us.