Starting over
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Chicago
Posts: 34
Starting over
Been on the forums a week or so. Been reading a lot. Some very inspiring stories here. A lot of heartbreaking things too. I keep wanting to make my introduction post, just haven’t been sure about what to say. I figured it was about time, so here goes.
I am a 47 yr old male, married still (Thank God. Can’t believe my wife didn’t leave me) Father of two great teens (Really painful to have them let me know how much I hurt them both).
I am an alcoholic. I have had a serious drinking problem for over 30 years. About 3 years ago, my brother had to have heart surgery. Just before the operation the surgeon came into the waiting room an told us “Make no mistake, this is the most serious type of heart surgery one can go through. There is a very real possibility that he may not make it.” The surgery was going to take about 7 hours. Near the end of the 7 hour I walked into the hospital’s temple. I started to pray. I asked God that if he would get my brother through this, that I would never drink again. Minutes after that my wife came into the temple and told me that the surgery is over and that my brother was in the recovery room.
I have talked to my wife about that day and she assured me that is not exactly how praying works. God did not save my brother because I promised him I would never drink again. But I think the point of all this is that “I believe it” and I haven’t had a drink since.
Life was better since I stopped drinking. In an effort to not make this first post too long, I will hold off on how I came to start using heroin. But about 18 months ago, I very foolishly gave it a try. Got addicted almost immediately. Looking back, I don’t ever remember enjoying it. All I remember is racing to beat the dope sickness. Trying to get another bump before the sickness set in.
For about the past 6 to 9 months I really wanted to quit. I knew I had a problem, I knew my wife would leave me if she ever found out, I knew I was out of control. I wanted to go to an outpatient methadone treatment center. I was even taking a friend there daily, because he was trying to quit. But I was scared. Scared of the sickness that I knew would come if I tried to stop. But I think I was even more scared of what would happen if it didn’t work, if I couldn’t stop. What hope would I have then?
Three months ago I got sick, really sick. I was high all the time, so I didn’t even realize that I was sick. The police picked me up and took me to the emergency room. My blood pressure was 220 over 120. My right lung completely collapsed so I could hardly breath. I was only getting 20% oxygen to my brain. I had the flu and pneumonia. I also had a staph infection that was in my bloodstream. I was in such a life threatening condition, the doctors decided to put me into a coma.
I had been missing for two days before I was taken to the E.R. It took my family another three days after that just to find me. They all thought I was dead in an alley somewhere. During their search for me they talked to a friend of mine that told them I had been using heroin. They all knew something was wrong with me, but every time they questioned me about it, I just lied my way through it. I had lost my phone and wallet before the police found me. Due to the lack of oxygen getting to my brain, I couldn’t spell my last name, didn’t know my birthday or my address. That is why my family had such a hard time finding me. My doctor later told me that if the police didn’t bring me to the hospital when they did, there is no way I would have survived the night.
For the next 21 days I laid in the ICU in a coma. My family told the doctors about my heroin use. By the blessing of God, I went through my methadone detox while in a coma. The doctors kept telling my family they were not sure what I would be like after I was healed from all my issues. They said with the lack of oxygen I was getting to my brain that there was a real strong chance that I suffered permanent brain damage.
When I was finally well enough to breath on my own, and all the other physical complications that arose were resolved, They brought me out of the coma and put me in a regular hospital room. The first thing I can remember as I slowly regained consciousness over the next few days was “When is the dope sickness going to start?” While my wife and kids sat next to my bed crying, all I could think about was being terrified of the sickness coming back. There was clearly no way anyone was going to bring me heroin in here.
By the third day it hit me, I wasn’t getting sick. I finally got the courage to ask the nurse if one of the medications they were giving me was methadone? She kinda gave me a half smile and said, “No, you have already finished your detox.” (That’s when I heard the angels singing in my head) That was it, I was out of the darkness, I could feel the sun on my heart. My life could finally start to be mine again. The chains were broken. I honestly feel with every sense of my being that I will never use heroin again.
It has been 84 days since I have used heroin. Albeit, the first 36 days I was in the hospital. Since my discharge, I am now faced with trying to get my muscles to work again. My physical therapist told me you lose 14 -17% of muscle mass for every 24 hours you lay dormant. That times 36 is not good. Before this incident I was pretty active, and rather strong. I worked in construction. It was nothing for me to throw an 80 lb. bag of concrete on my shoulder and walk across a job site. Now, I can barely hold a 10 lb weight over my head. The constant pain from working my muscles to try and get strong enough to function normally has been almost unbearable. My family will not let me take any sort of pain medication since almost all of them are opiate based. But that is one of my smaller issues now.
The cat is out of the bag. My wife, kids and family all know the truth about my heroin use. Suffering the consequences of my sins. My wife is furious with me and not sure if she will ever trust me again. My kids have been VERY vocal about how their “junkie” father has destroyed their lives. My parents and siblings come to visit me, but I feel like everyone that looks at me just sees the heroin user. I am ashamed, sorry and confused. I am angry, bitter and lost. That is why I am here. I am sure I will never do something so reckless as use heroin again. But I don’t know where to go from here.
Yesterday I went to my first NA meeting. I don’t like being around people I don’t know and wasn’t really sure what to expect. But I have been reading a lot of the posts here and I think it is a necessary step. I am confident in my conviction, but it is easy to not use when you are on lock down. Eventually I will be strong enough to start working again. Eventually I will be outdoors on my own again. For the sake of my kids, my wife and my life...I am willing to do whatever it takes to make sure I stay clean and stay out of the darkness. When I think about being clean for 84 days I am like “Wow, that’s great. I am well on my way. That was easy.” But I am scared to death about the first day someone offers heroin to me again. How strong will I be then? Will I “Just say no”? To me, that will be my true day 1.
I plan to continue to go to NA meetings, I have found two different ones that meet once a week. I am going to do my best to get to both of them. I will keep reading these forums. I do hope to find a sponsor. Until then I will impose upon these forums to try to regain order and direction in my life. I have a lot of healing to do with my family. Right now, I know I am not able to forgive myself. I have been selfish. The meeting last night focused on step 6. If I had to make a list of my character flaws the first 5 would all be selfishness. But that is a bit of a way off. I need to learn and focus on step one.
I am a 47 yr old male, married still (Thank God. Can’t believe my wife didn’t leave me) Father of two great teens (Really painful to have them let me know how much I hurt them both).
I am an alcoholic. I have had a serious drinking problem for over 30 years. About 3 years ago, my brother had to have heart surgery. Just before the operation the surgeon came into the waiting room an told us “Make no mistake, this is the most serious type of heart surgery one can go through. There is a very real possibility that he may not make it.” The surgery was going to take about 7 hours. Near the end of the 7 hour I walked into the hospital’s temple. I started to pray. I asked God that if he would get my brother through this, that I would never drink again. Minutes after that my wife came into the temple and told me that the surgery is over and that my brother was in the recovery room.
I have talked to my wife about that day and she assured me that is not exactly how praying works. God did not save my brother because I promised him I would never drink again. But I think the point of all this is that “I believe it” and I haven’t had a drink since.
Life was better since I stopped drinking. In an effort to not make this first post too long, I will hold off on how I came to start using heroin. But about 18 months ago, I very foolishly gave it a try. Got addicted almost immediately. Looking back, I don’t ever remember enjoying it. All I remember is racing to beat the dope sickness. Trying to get another bump before the sickness set in.
For about the past 6 to 9 months I really wanted to quit. I knew I had a problem, I knew my wife would leave me if she ever found out, I knew I was out of control. I wanted to go to an outpatient methadone treatment center. I was even taking a friend there daily, because he was trying to quit. But I was scared. Scared of the sickness that I knew would come if I tried to stop. But I think I was even more scared of what would happen if it didn’t work, if I couldn’t stop. What hope would I have then?
Three months ago I got sick, really sick. I was high all the time, so I didn’t even realize that I was sick. The police picked me up and took me to the emergency room. My blood pressure was 220 over 120. My right lung completely collapsed so I could hardly breath. I was only getting 20% oxygen to my brain. I had the flu and pneumonia. I also had a staph infection that was in my bloodstream. I was in such a life threatening condition, the doctors decided to put me into a coma.
I had been missing for two days before I was taken to the E.R. It took my family another three days after that just to find me. They all thought I was dead in an alley somewhere. During their search for me they talked to a friend of mine that told them I had been using heroin. They all knew something was wrong with me, but every time they questioned me about it, I just lied my way through it. I had lost my phone and wallet before the police found me. Due to the lack of oxygen getting to my brain, I couldn’t spell my last name, didn’t know my birthday or my address. That is why my family had such a hard time finding me. My doctor later told me that if the police didn’t bring me to the hospital when they did, there is no way I would have survived the night.
For the next 21 days I laid in the ICU in a coma. My family told the doctors about my heroin use. By the blessing of God, I went through my methadone detox while in a coma. The doctors kept telling my family they were not sure what I would be like after I was healed from all my issues. They said with the lack of oxygen I was getting to my brain that there was a real strong chance that I suffered permanent brain damage.
When I was finally well enough to breath on my own, and all the other physical complications that arose were resolved, They brought me out of the coma and put me in a regular hospital room. The first thing I can remember as I slowly regained consciousness over the next few days was “When is the dope sickness going to start?” While my wife and kids sat next to my bed crying, all I could think about was being terrified of the sickness coming back. There was clearly no way anyone was going to bring me heroin in here.
By the third day it hit me, I wasn’t getting sick. I finally got the courage to ask the nurse if one of the medications they were giving me was methadone? She kinda gave me a half smile and said, “No, you have already finished your detox.” (That’s when I heard the angels singing in my head) That was it, I was out of the darkness, I could feel the sun on my heart. My life could finally start to be mine again. The chains were broken. I honestly feel with every sense of my being that I will never use heroin again.
It has been 84 days since I have used heroin. Albeit, the first 36 days I was in the hospital. Since my discharge, I am now faced with trying to get my muscles to work again. My physical therapist told me you lose 14 -17% of muscle mass for every 24 hours you lay dormant. That times 36 is not good. Before this incident I was pretty active, and rather strong. I worked in construction. It was nothing for me to throw an 80 lb. bag of concrete on my shoulder and walk across a job site. Now, I can barely hold a 10 lb weight over my head. The constant pain from working my muscles to try and get strong enough to function normally has been almost unbearable. My family will not let me take any sort of pain medication since almost all of them are opiate based. But that is one of my smaller issues now.
The cat is out of the bag. My wife, kids and family all know the truth about my heroin use. Suffering the consequences of my sins. My wife is furious with me and not sure if she will ever trust me again. My kids have been VERY vocal about how their “junkie” father has destroyed their lives. My parents and siblings come to visit me, but I feel like everyone that looks at me just sees the heroin user. I am ashamed, sorry and confused. I am angry, bitter and lost. That is why I am here. I am sure I will never do something so reckless as use heroin again. But I don’t know where to go from here.
Yesterday I went to my first NA meeting. I don’t like being around people I don’t know and wasn’t really sure what to expect. But I have been reading a lot of the posts here and I think it is a necessary step. I am confident in my conviction, but it is easy to not use when you are on lock down. Eventually I will be strong enough to start working again. Eventually I will be outdoors on my own again. For the sake of my kids, my wife and my life...I am willing to do whatever it takes to make sure I stay clean and stay out of the darkness. When I think about being clean for 84 days I am like “Wow, that’s great. I am well on my way. That was easy.” But I am scared to death about the first day someone offers heroin to me again. How strong will I be then? Will I “Just say no”? To me, that will be my true day 1.
I plan to continue to go to NA meetings, I have found two different ones that meet once a week. I am going to do my best to get to both of them. I will keep reading these forums. I do hope to find a sponsor. Until then I will impose upon these forums to try to regain order and direction in my life. I have a lot of healing to do with my family. Right now, I know I am not able to forgive myself. I have been selfish. The meeting last night focused on step 6. If I had to make a list of my character flaws the first 5 would all be selfishness. But that is a bit of a way off. I need to learn and focus on step one.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome to SR rich and thanks for sharing your story. Sounds to me like you are doing a lot of good things by being honest with your family and with yourself, and by trying things like NA even though you had reservations at first. Doing "whatever it takes" is really the bottom line no matter what recovery methods you use. I hope you can find SR to be a part of your recovery as well. You are always welcome in any forum here, but just to make sure you are aware there are forums specific to substance abuse on the main page too.
Again, welcome and congrats on your progress so far.
Again, welcome and congrats on your progress so far.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hi and welcome. I'm glad you survived your ordeal. Everything happens for a reason.
While you are rebuilding, is it possible to think about ways to change who you work for or your friends? No one has ever offered me heroine before. Can you eliminate those obstacles from your life?
While you are rebuilding, is it possible to think about ways to change who you work for or your friends? No one has ever offered me heroine before. Can you eliminate those obstacles from your life?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
That is quite an ordeal and I am very glad to hear you made it through and have come to this forum. I believe you will find it helpful.
I'm sorry to be blunt, but you are a construction guy so I think you can handle it. IFyou find yourself around anyone who has or uses heroin, get out of there! In the real world, most people don't use (or carry around) heroin. And I would make an effort to conduct myself in a way that no one would even think about offering it to you. If you are speaking about your old "friends", you need to eliminate them but I'm sure you know that.
Welcome, and I hope you continue your recovery. Keep us posted.
I'm sorry to be blunt, but you are a construction guy so I think you can handle it. IFyou find yourself around anyone who has or uses heroin, get out of there! In the real world, most people don't use (or carry around) heroin. And I would make an effort to conduct myself in a way that no one would even think about offering it to you. If you are speaking about your old "friends", you need to eliminate them but I'm sure you know that.
Welcome, and I hope you continue your recovery. Keep us posted.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 1,730
Thank you for telling your story. You have a lot of healing to do, a lot of trust to rebuild. And it will all be lost if you use again. But you seem to know that. And you seem determined to never let that happen.
So, do what you need to do. Plan what you need to plan. And you are going to be just fine. You'll see.
Good luck. And welcome.
So, do what you need to do. Plan what you need to plan. And you are going to be just fine. You'll see.
Good luck. And welcome.
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Michigan
Posts: 772
Wow wonderful story. Reading it is enough to leep me sober another day. It was be a shame for you to ever go back to using amd hurt your family anymore. I think it's a great idea that you are going to NA. I suggest you stop hoping to find a sponsor and just ask people. If there is someone there who has worked all the steps and you want what they have ask them. If they say "no" it's probably them...not you. Then ask someone else! Your story is very encouraging. I think you should share that all the time!!!
Glad your here. For the love of god don't give up on your recovery because next time you might be dead. How much closer can ya get?
SoberLife
Glad your here. For the love of god don't give up on your recovery because next time you might be dead. How much closer can ya get?
SoberLife
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Chicago
Posts: 34
Thanks everyone for your words and thoughts.
Just wanted to post a quick update. I know I am probably getting too focused on my day count, but I am more scared about having to say I am on "day 1" than I am of actually using. I don't know, whatever gets me through today I guess.
I have been clean and sober for 105 days today.
Been hitting 2 NA meetings a week. Would like to get to 3 or 4, but that opportunity has not worked itself out yet. Things have been going ok. Past couple of weeks have been a little rough. Been having a few dreams about using again. They really seem real. More real than any other dreams I've been having. Been fighting depression as well. Just seems harder and harder to pick myself up these days. I hope this is just another phase. I have read that even after you stop using heroin, it can take several months before your brain can get back to the proper chemical balance.
Physical therapy been going great. Still have a little pain here and there, but my endurance is back and feeling stronger every day. I am also more flexible than I have been in years.
I lost about 70 lbs. while I was in the hospital. I have gained back 30 lbs. since I have been out. Saw my doctor last week and she asked me how I felt about that. I told her I didn't loose all that weight from exercising. It was my muscles deteriorating while I was laying in bed. Now that I am getting healthier and stronger, of course some of that weight is going to come back. My diet has changed drastically. I stopped drinking soda and juice. Avoiding fast food at all costs. Limiting my sugar intake as much as possible. All things that were also way out of control back when I was using. My doctor agreed that gaining back some of that weight is just gonna happen. She is happy about all the changes I have made in my diet and said to just keep an eye on my waist. I told her I am able to wear all my skinny clothes again. Stuff I haven't fit in for years.
Anyway...still taking it one day at a time. Thanks again everyone. These forums have been an amazing source of inspiration. On my way to another NA meeting.
God bless!
Just wanted to post a quick update. I know I am probably getting too focused on my day count, but I am more scared about having to say I am on "day 1" than I am of actually using. I don't know, whatever gets me through today I guess.
I have been clean and sober for 105 days today.
Been hitting 2 NA meetings a week. Would like to get to 3 or 4, but that opportunity has not worked itself out yet. Things have been going ok. Past couple of weeks have been a little rough. Been having a few dreams about using again. They really seem real. More real than any other dreams I've been having. Been fighting depression as well. Just seems harder and harder to pick myself up these days. I hope this is just another phase. I have read that even after you stop using heroin, it can take several months before your brain can get back to the proper chemical balance.
Physical therapy been going great. Still have a little pain here and there, but my endurance is back and feeling stronger every day. I am also more flexible than I have been in years.
I lost about 70 lbs. while I was in the hospital. I have gained back 30 lbs. since I have been out. Saw my doctor last week and she asked me how I felt about that. I told her I didn't loose all that weight from exercising. It was my muscles deteriorating while I was laying in bed. Now that I am getting healthier and stronger, of course some of that weight is going to come back. My diet has changed drastically. I stopped drinking soda and juice. Avoiding fast food at all costs. Limiting my sugar intake as much as possible. All things that were also way out of control back when I was using. My doctor agreed that gaining back some of that weight is just gonna happen. She is happy about all the changes I have made in my diet and said to just keep an eye on my waist. I told her I am able to wear all my skinny clothes again. Stuff I haven't fit in for years.
Anyway...still taking it one day at a time. Thanks again everyone. These forums have been an amazing source of inspiration. On my way to another NA meeting.
God bless!
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Welcome! Hang in there...it sounds like you're on the right road. Good for you!
You might want to print out or screenshot your first post and if you are faced with someone offering you heroin or a drink, promise yourself to at least read that first.
Then ask that pusher why they are trying to kill you....
You might want to print out or screenshot your first post and if you are faced with someone offering you heroin or a drink, promise yourself to at least read that first.
Then ask that pusher why they are trying to kill you....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,031
Hi Rich,
I had similar feelings around the three month mark, and like you powered through them. Are you taking to a counselor about the depression? It might help.
Glad you posted an update, you should feel very proud of your progress.
I had similar feelings around the three month mark, and like you powered through them. Are you taking to a counselor about the depression? It might help.
Glad you posted an update, you should feel very proud of your progress.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 1,305
Wow, that is some story! You definitely had someone looking out for you. I agree with others who said that heroin is not something that is generally offered, so it will probably be more about avoiding environments and entire groups of people. I'm happy you're here. 
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
