Hard to admit
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 56
Hard to admit
This is my first time posting on the recovery side of this site. I’ve posted a few times on the friends and family side because my significant other is an addict/alcoholic struggling through a cycle of recovery/relapse.
I want to be honest. I am a binger. I have been since I was 18. I never drank before college because my dad was an alcoholic and I was scared of it. My first semester of college, I failed 3 classes and ended up on academic probation because I was too hung over to go to class. I got sober long enough to get off of academic probation but once I did, I returned to my partying. That’s how I viewed it. I was just partying like everyone else. But I partied Wednesday through Sunday, getting black out drunk many times. I was so arrogant and I still am. I may go long periods of not drinking but when I do drink, I cannot stop. I drink too much.
In my marriage I didn’t drink much the 4 years we were together- mostly because he drank too much and someone had to be sober. But on occasion, I would go out with the girls and return to past behavior.
My ex doesn’t even view me as having an alcohol problem because I drank so little. But since I have been divorced, my alcohol problem has picked back up and an added layer includes occasional drug use. I have attended AA a few times and he doesn’t understand why.
My current significant other and I have been together more than a year. He was drinking when we met but went into recovery and was sober for quite some time before relapsing. When he relapsed, I did too but no one knew, including myself. If he wasn’t drinking, it was easy for me not to do it. But when he started drinking again, I did too. This whole time, I have been focusing on his recovery and trying to help him and be there for him. But I drown myself. I drink bourbon out of the bottle. Almost every time I do drink, I black out. The last time I drank was on Memorial Day. I drank Saturday through Monday. Saturday night I blacked out.
I used to say well I couldn’t be an alcoholic because I don’t drink on a daily basis or habitually so to speak. I thought I don’t crave alcohol because I don’t go into physical withdrawal. But I learned over the weekend, after the first drink, I do crave it because I can’t stop. Music makes me crave it. If I hear a song that reminds me of college, I want to party. And then I always have regrets and shame after I party. Either I started an argument with a friend, my significant other, or I’ve lost or spent too much money. In my single days, I might have made impulsive choices about whom to be intimate with.
I remember when I was 19, begging my then boyfriend whom was older to buy me 2 bottles of champagne. I did everything in my womanly power to convince to get me the alcohol. I am ashamed of that.
I am an alcoholic. I am codependent.
I am done with it. I am going to start posting here about myself and not about my significant other. I am going to go to AA and ask for a sponsor. I am going to learn about how to recover.
I can’t ignore it any longer.
I want to be honest. I am a binger. I have been since I was 18. I never drank before college because my dad was an alcoholic and I was scared of it. My first semester of college, I failed 3 classes and ended up on academic probation because I was too hung over to go to class. I got sober long enough to get off of academic probation but once I did, I returned to my partying. That’s how I viewed it. I was just partying like everyone else. But I partied Wednesday through Sunday, getting black out drunk many times. I was so arrogant and I still am. I may go long periods of not drinking but when I do drink, I cannot stop. I drink too much.
In my marriage I didn’t drink much the 4 years we were together- mostly because he drank too much and someone had to be sober. But on occasion, I would go out with the girls and return to past behavior.
My ex doesn’t even view me as having an alcohol problem because I drank so little. But since I have been divorced, my alcohol problem has picked back up and an added layer includes occasional drug use. I have attended AA a few times and he doesn’t understand why.
My current significant other and I have been together more than a year. He was drinking when we met but went into recovery and was sober for quite some time before relapsing. When he relapsed, I did too but no one knew, including myself. If he wasn’t drinking, it was easy for me not to do it. But when he started drinking again, I did too. This whole time, I have been focusing on his recovery and trying to help him and be there for him. But I drown myself. I drink bourbon out of the bottle. Almost every time I do drink, I black out. The last time I drank was on Memorial Day. I drank Saturday through Monday. Saturday night I blacked out.
I used to say well I couldn’t be an alcoholic because I don’t drink on a daily basis or habitually so to speak. I thought I don’t crave alcohol because I don’t go into physical withdrawal. But I learned over the weekend, after the first drink, I do crave it because I can’t stop. Music makes me crave it. If I hear a song that reminds me of college, I want to party. And then I always have regrets and shame after I party. Either I started an argument with a friend, my significant other, or I’ve lost or spent too much money. In my single days, I might have made impulsive choices about whom to be intimate with.
I remember when I was 19, begging my then boyfriend whom was older to buy me 2 bottles of champagne. I did everything in my womanly power to convince to get me the alcohol. I am ashamed of that.
I am an alcoholic. I am codependent.
I am done with it. I am going to start posting here about myself and not about my significant other. I am going to go to AA and ask for a sponsor. I am going to learn about how to recover.
I can’t ignore it any longer.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome to recovery pearlady. Admitting the problem is a big step, congratulations on sharing and making the leap here. Sounds like you have some good plans in place already by coming here and your intentions to attend AA and get a sponsor. SR is always here too, I hope we can be part of your recovery too.
I'm glad you joined us. 
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Welcome aboard.
Booze is a drug. We are addicts.
I'm clean 1 year and I crave daily.
The cravings pass.
But, waking up sober and facing life drug free is how it has to be for me.
Thanks for the post.
Booze is a drug. We are addicts.
I'm clean 1 year and I crave daily.
The cravings pass.
But, waking up sober and facing life drug free is how it has to be for me.
Thanks for the post.
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Eek. D122y you're being honest and daily craving is definitely a possibility but everyone's different. I mean absolutely no disrespect to your post but I wanted to point out that after about a month my cravings began to subside. Then an actual full weekend came where although I was aware others were drinking I didn't care. There was no craving. Periodically I would get a craving but it was never like that first month. It just raised my hair a bit thinking of a newcomers brain reading that post. My first thought would be that you're telling me I have to put up with this awful feeling forever and every single day. Would it be safe to say you crave but not like in the beginning? Just thinking about the mindset of newcomers. Everyone is different.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Welcome.... and thanks for sharing your honest, raw self.
I can relate to some themes in your story - the not drinking all the time, but drinking to vast excess piece especially.
That was my experience during the early years.
Gradually the time between binges grew shorter. In between, I'd often drink 'moderately' by contrast. Just five or six drinks, you know.... never actually DRUNK. Obviously, I don't have a problem.....
But the blackout count grew, the tolerance increased, the troubles; in school, in relationships, with the law, at work - continued to mount.
And yet.... I made excuses. I rationalized. I denied and built my own wall around the reality. I painted a picture of me as a successful, responsible, hard-working / hard-playing guy who'd just had a few unlucky breaks.
It took me decades to finally peer over that wall and realize the lies I was telling myself and choose a better way. I hope it doesn't take you that long. Coming here, opening up, was a great step in that direction.
I can relate to some themes in your story - the not drinking all the time, but drinking to vast excess piece especially.
That was my experience during the early years.
Gradually the time between binges grew shorter. In between, I'd often drink 'moderately' by contrast. Just five or six drinks, you know.... never actually DRUNK. Obviously, I don't have a problem.....
But the blackout count grew, the tolerance increased, the troubles; in school, in relationships, with the law, at work - continued to mount.
And yet.... I made excuses. I rationalized. I denied and built my own wall around the reality. I painted a picture of me as a successful, responsible, hard-working / hard-playing guy who'd just had a few unlucky breaks.
It took me decades to finally peer over that wall and realize the lies I was telling myself and choose a better way. I hope it doesn't take you that long. Coming here, opening up, was a great step in that direction.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: US
Posts: 544
Welcome pearlady - the most difficult thing for me was finally saying that I have a drinking problem. It took me YEARS to admit that. Well done, now that the hard part is over, you can begin you journey to recovery!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
im very glad to read denial wasnt workin any more for ya, you accepted the truth and admitted alcohol is destroying you, and youre gettin into the solution, pearlady.
welcome to the double winners club!
welcome to the double winners club!
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Originally Posted by LadyBlue0527 
Eek. D122y you're being honest and daily craving is definitely a possibility but everyone's different. I mean absolutely no disrespect to your post but I wanted to point out that after about a month my cravings began to subside. Then an actual full weekend came where although I was aware others were drinking I didn't care. There was no craving. Periodically I would get a craving but it was never like that first month. It just raised my hair a bit thinking of a newcomers brain reading that post. My first thought would be that you're telling me I have to put up with this awful feeling forever and every single day. Would it be safe to say you crave but not like in the beginning? Just thinking about the mindset of newcomers. Everyone is different.
I was a blubbering, sweaty, stinky, stress ridden, terrified, crave monster. Never want to go there again.
Now....
I have triggers where I crave for a short time. After work, after a work out, when I cook outside, when I am w others that are drinking booze, when i see drinking on tv..etc. it gets daunting.
Speaking for me only, sobriety takes effort. I drank hard for 30 years. The neural paths are well established.
Thanks for the feedback. I guess my sober life is a little scary. I keep it hidden to the rest of the world.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 56
Thank you for such a warm welcome. I enjoy hearing everyone's different perspectives and understand that though the moves to make towards recovery are the same, each persons experience is individual because of their personal histories and personalities. I just know that I want off this train and I am getting off now.
I come from a host of addicts and alcoholics- with varying levels of "functioning" if you could even call it that. I am the only female alcoholic that I know about.
My dad could work and do a good job but he couldn't maintain his family after a while. He was such a handsome young man and so charming but I think that he couldn't feel at ease without alcohol. Eventually, the addiction cost him several DUIS and losses. A few years ago my aunt and uncle contacted me to tell me he had been admitted to a detox and was suffering from mental health issues. He went back to drinking. He lives alone now and is retired and I don't know how much he drinks. He stays away so no one knows- or so he thinks. He is a bit of a mystery to me. I wish he wasn’t. We love each other very much and I am closer to him than my siblings, but I have never been able to rely on him to be a parent. I've come to judge him less as I have grown older and developed my own substance issues. I guess because I understand him more. I am a lot like him in all of the good ways and some of the bad ways.
My grandfather left his family (my dad), couldn't hold a job, and in his late years, was known to walk railroad tracks and disappear for days on end, returning disoriented and unsure of where he had been. At one point he was homeless in Detroit. I don’t even know why he was in Detroit. We are from North Carolina. He eventually got alcohol-induced dementia and died of cirrhosis in his early 60s. I don't want that for myself. I am sad that is all that I remember about him. His brothers and nephews were also alcoholics. I hear from other family members that he, like my dad, was very handsome and charming but I don't remember him being that way. I just remember my dad's heartache and going to find him when he disappeared. So that's a bit of back-story. Not sure if anyone can relate but having such a history of addiction in my family is daunting to me- it is a two fold problem- I am used to it and I am also terrified of it. I wonder how long it would take for me to become them. Over Memorial Day weekend, when I boozed hard all weekend, I started morning drinking and on Tuesday when I didn’t drink- my whole body ached like I had the flu. I’m in danger and I have to fight this now.
I was very tempted yesterday. I had dinner with friends and they were having drinks with dinner. Normally, I would join. But I didn't. I thought about it the entire time we were having dinner but I refrained. It's so easy to rationalize participating but I know that I cannot. I was angry with myself for lacking discipline. I thought... now you are going to have to explain to people why all of a sudden you don't drink. My friend that has been in recovery for a while told me to just say something like " I've developed a sudden allergy to alcohol" or "I am much cuter/cleverer/more charming when I am not *********". LOL.
The true challenge will be when I am spending time with my significant other who is in active addiction. I will have to make it clear that I want to be in recovery and ask him to respect that even if he chooses a different path. One concern that I have is that my decision to start recovery will make him feel poorly because he is in the heart of relapse. Misery loves company.
I haven't made it to AA yet as most of the meetings in my area are during my workday and I have my children evenings. I need to arrange for a babysitter so that I can go but I am working on that. Hopefully I will be able to attend this evening. I have been reading the Big Book and reading about the steps. I'm embarrassed a little bit to have to ask for another white chip.
I come from a host of addicts and alcoholics- with varying levels of "functioning" if you could even call it that. I am the only female alcoholic that I know about.
My dad could work and do a good job but he couldn't maintain his family after a while. He was such a handsome young man and so charming but I think that he couldn't feel at ease without alcohol. Eventually, the addiction cost him several DUIS and losses. A few years ago my aunt and uncle contacted me to tell me he had been admitted to a detox and was suffering from mental health issues. He went back to drinking. He lives alone now and is retired and I don't know how much he drinks. He stays away so no one knows- or so he thinks. He is a bit of a mystery to me. I wish he wasn’t. We love each other very much and I am closer to him than my siblings, but I have never been able to rely on him to be a parent. I've come to judge him less as I have grown older and developed my own substance issues. I guess because I understand him more. I am a lot like him in all of the good ways and some of the bad ways.
My grandfather left his family (my dad), couldn't hold a job, and in his late years, was known to walk railroad tracks and disappear for days on end, returning disoriented and unsure of where he had been. At one point he was homeless in Detroit. I don’t even know why he was in Detroit. We are from North Carolina. He eventually got alcohol-induced dementia and died of cirrhosis in his early 60s. I don't want that for myself. I am sad that is all that I remember about him. His brothers and nephews were also alcoholics. I hear from other family members that he, like my dad, was very handsome and charming but I don't remember him being that way. I just remember my dad's heartache and going to find him when he disappeared. So that's a bit of back-story. Not sure if anyone can relate but having such a history of addiction in my family is daunting to me- it is a two fold problem- I am used to it and I am also terrified of it. I wonder how long it would take for me to become them. Over Memorial Day weekend, when I boozed hard all weekend, I started morning drinking and on Tuesday when I didn’t drink- my whole body ached like I had the flu. I’m in danger and I have to fight this now.
I was very tempted yesterday. I had dinner with friends and they were having drinks with dinner. Normally, I would join. But I didn't. I thought about it the entire time we were having dinner but I refrained. It's so easy to rationalize participating but I know that I cannot. I was angry with myself for lacking discipline. I thought... now you are going to have to explain to people why all of a sudden you don't drink. My friend that has been in recovery for a while told me to just say something like " I've developed a sudden allergy to alcohol" or "I am much cuter/cleverer/more charming when I am not *********". LOL.
The true challenge will be when I am spending time with my significant other who is in active addiction. I will have to make it clear that I want to be in recovery and ask him to respect that even if he chooses a different path. One concern that I have is that my decision to start recovery will make him feel poorly because he is in the heart of relapse. Misery loves company.
I haven't made it to AA yet as most of the meetings in my area are during my workday and I have my children evenings. I need to arrange for a babysitter so that I can go but I am working on that. Hopefully I will be able to attend this evening. I have been reading the Big Book and reading about the steps. I'm embarrassed a little bit to have to ask for another white chip.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Hi PL.
Hope you do manage to get to the meeting, if not, maybe some of the speaker recordings could help you dig in while you're sorting out your child care.
5500+ AA Speakers & Tapes - Organized & Mobile-Friendly!
Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB x
Hope you do manage to get to the meeting, if not, maybe some of the speaker recordings could help you dig in while you're sorting out your child care.
5500+ AA Speakers & Tapes - Organized & Mobile-Friendly!
Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB x
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