New Here - looking for hope!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 59
New Here - looking for hope!
Hi all
I’m new – hope this is the right place to post!
My boyfriend is the most wonderful man. He is kind, funny, intelligent, compassionate and articulate. We have many similar life goals and values. When I am with him it just feels right and we ‘get’ each other. We have been dating just about 10 months and we are quite serious about our future together – lots of discussions about marriage, dog, children etc. We are both in our early/mid 30s.
My boyfriend also suffered emotional and verbal abuse as a child from his parents. He is an alcoholic. Clearly this is not something that was disclosed in the first few dates! I knew about his traumatic childhood but the extent of the drinking problem only became apparent about 2 months ago when he had a week where he effectively “fell down the rabbit hole”. His sister and I managed to get him some professional help and he agreed to start seeing a trauma therapist. He has been seeing this therapist for 2 months now and it seems to be going well. He has also sporadically been going to AA or NA meetings. This weekend he is going to an NA retreat with his brother in law. We have had many conversations about all of this and as of last week he found that therapy was more helpful in the immediate term than NA or AA.
He has had two relapses since March. One at the end of April. He drank a bottle of wine and then promptly told me about it the next morning. I was crushed and cried (at work) but also grateful that he told me. He also relapsed last night. He told me after I asked him about it over text as I noticed tell-tale signs. He didn’t want to worry me but I said it is worse if he hides it. I was upset but less so this time – I am learning that relapse is part of recovery. He is not abusive when he drinks, just sad and I don’t recognize him.
We have had a lot of heart felt discussions in the last two months about how it is important for us to both be open and honest with each other and that we both strive to be healthy. He agrees but of course addiction is a hard disease to manage.
I have started my own therapy to help me deal with my anxiety over all this. Including the anxiety I felt after spending a few hours with his family in April. I have also been to al-anon twice but am not sure if it is for me yet. Perhaps this site will be good. I know I did not cause, cannot control and cannot cure his drinking. Although that doesn’t stop me from wishing I could!
To give you some of my backstory – I am a recovering over-eater. Over the past 3 years I have worked hard to lose and maintain a loss of about 85lbs. I’m still about 20lbs from my ultimate goal. I will never be able to “eat normally”. I will always have to manage my food intake, for the rest of my life. Sounds familiar to addiction, no? I am also a runner – I am training this summer for my 2nd half marathon.
I’ve been back to the gym this week because I realized I needed to look after myself. Between supporting my bf’s recovery and also opening my home for 3 weeks to a good friend who needed to be close to a major hospital (she is now in hospital and I visit her at least once per week) and then having my dad stay at my house for a week so we could do renovations…I felt a little lost in the shuffle. I don’t want to lose myself or stop taking care of myself. Not after finally finding myself after all these years.
I’m here looking for hope. Is it feasible to plan a future with this man? I know that no one can answer this question for me but it’s just so frustrating to not have a crystal ball. I just want us to both be healthy and happy. I am fairly well educated (as are my close friends and family) on addiction but I have no previous personal experience with addiction or childhood abuse (my family is not abusive). I believe with all my heart that he would make a great long term partner and father…but what if he never achieves long term sobriety? I’m hoping to learn what my boundaries are in therapy and here on this site. His sister is a 10 year recovering alcoholic and she gives me great hope and support. She has raised two wonderful teenagers. I know other recovering alcoholics who are able to live happy healthy lives. Is he one of the fortunate ones? No need to answer – no one can know…this is just what goes around in my mind.
We love each other dearly.
I’m new – hope this is the right place to post!
My boyfriend is the most wonderful man. He is kind, funny, intelligent, compassionate and articulate. We have many similar life goals and values. When I am with him it just feels right and we ‘get’ each other. We have been dating just about 10 months and we are quite serious about our future together – lots of discussions about marriage, dog, children etc. We are both in our early/mid 30s.
My boyfriend also suffered emotional and verbal abuse as a child from his parents. He is an alcoholic. Clearly this is not something that was disclosed in the first few dates! I knew about his traumatic childhood but the extent of the drinking problem only became apparent about 2 months ago when he had a week where he effectively “fell down the rabbit hole”. His sister and I managed to get him some professional help and he agreed to start seeing a trauma therapist. He has been seeing this therapist for 2 months now and it seems to be going well. He has also sporadically been going to AA or NA meetings. This weekend he is going to an NA retreat with his brother in law. We have had many conversations about all of this and as of last week he found that therapy was more helpful in the immediate term than NA or AA.
He has had two relapses since March. One at the end of April. He drank a bottle of wine and then promptly told me about it the next morning. I was crushed and cried (at work) but also grateful that he told me. He also relapsed last night. He told me after I asked him about it over text as I noticed tell-tale signs. He didn’t want to worry me but I said it is worse if he hides it. I was upset but less so this time – I am learning that relapse is part of recovery. He is not abusive when he drinks, just sad and I don’t recognize him.
We have had a lot of heart felt discussions in the last two months about how it is important for us to both be open and honest with each other and that we both strive to be healthy. He agrees but of course addiction is a hard disease to manage.
I have started my own therapy to help me deal with my anxiety over all this. Including the anxiety I felt after spending a few hours with his family in April. I have also been to al-anon twice but am not sure if it is for me yet. Perhaps this site will be good. I know I did not cause, cannot control and cannot cure his drinking. Although that doesn’t stop me from wishing I could!
To give you some of my backstory – I am a recovering over-eater. Over the past 3 years I have worked hard to lose and maintain a loss of about 85lbs. I’m still about 20lbs from my ultimate goal. I will never be able to “eat normally”. I will always have to manage my food intake, for the rest of my life. Sounds familiar to addiction, no? I am also a runner – I am training this summer for my 2nd half marathon.
I’ve been back to the gym this week because I realized I needed to look after myself. Between supporting my bf’s recovery and also opening my home for 3 weeks to a good friend who needed to be close to a major hospital (she is now in hospital and I visit her at least once per week) and then having my dad stay at my house for a week so we could do renovations…I felt a little lost in the shuffle. I don’t want to lose myself or stop taking care of myself. Not after finally finding myself after all these years.
I’m here looking for hope. Is it feasible to plan a future with this man? I know that no one can answer this question for me but it’s just so frustrating to not have a crystal ball. I just want us to both be healthy and happy. I am fairly well educated (as are my close friends and family) on addiction but I have no previous personal experience with addiction or childhood abuse (my family is not abusive). I believe with all my heart that he would make a great long term partner and father…but what if he never achieves long term sobriety? I’m hoping to learn what my boundaries are in therapy and here on this site. His sister is a 10 year recovering alcoholic and she gives me great hope and support. She has raised two wonderful teenagers. I know other recovering alcoholics who are able to live happy healthy lives. Is he one of the fortunate ones? No need to answer – no one can know…this is just what goes around in my mind.
We love each other dearly.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
First of all, relapse is NOT part of recovery, it's part of the addiction.
Second, no one can tell you if he's serious about sobriety. That is something only he knows. I hope he finds recovery soon. What will you do if he keeps relapsing? You need to set boundaries as to what you will tolerate and what you won't.
I hope for the best for you both.
We also have a friends and family forum for loved ones of alcoholics. You might find some good insight there.
Second, no one can tell you if he's serious about sobriety. That is something only he knows. I hope he finds recovery soon. What will you do if he keeps relapsing? You need to set boundaries as to what you will tolerate and what you won't.
I hope for the best for you both.
We also have a friends and family forum for loved ones of alcoholics. You might find some good insight there.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Sorry for what brings you here.
The fact that it is you, the person without the problem with alcohol, signing on to a forum for recovery, should tell you a lot. If your bf isn't taking an active role in his sobriety, do you think there is a chance he'll recover?
So as for planning a future? Emphasis on future. Don't make any plans until he's sober and demonstrated that he's fully engaged in his recovery.
Oh, and as for relapse being part of recovery...WRONG. It's part of the addiction. So if your bf is telling you it's okay [to relapse], he's just keeping the door open for more drinking.
Originally Posted by GreenEyes02 
Is it feasible to plan a future with this man?
So as for planning a future? Emphasis on future. Don't make any plans until he's sober and demonstrated that he's fully engaged in his recovery.
Oh, and as for relapse being part of recovery...WRONG. It's part of the addiction. So if your bf is telling you it's okay [to relapse], he's just keeping the door open for more drinking.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
We have an active forum for the friends and family of an alcoholic:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Read around. You might garner some wisdom from those who waited too long.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Read around. You might garner some wisdom from those who waited too long.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
