Taking Time to Breathe
 

This coming Friday, I will he driving back to Ohio for a week to visit with my family. That same day will also be 100 days sober. When I was there for the holidays, I was in between relapses, on pain killers for a torn muscle in my back, and I had a terrible flu. This time, I am making an effort to relax and enjoy my time there with friends and family, instead of constantly stressing over fitting in all of the obligations to other people. A big problem with me, that I used to try to drink away, is the feeling of my time being spoken for by other people, or being told what to do. So, my therapist and I have been working on my ability to say "no." I am hoping to make up for quantity of time with the quality, as I will actually be healthy and mentally present. So, the preparations for the drive east begin...

Those family trips can be stressful - getting pulled in many directions and having guilt trips for not spending enough time with enough people.
No is a big word!
Enjoy your trip!

Sounds like a big step but also sounds like you've made some good plans to make it a good experience. Saying no is hard anywhere, even at home so that's great that you are working on it. Congrats on your upcoming 100 days as well!

Enjoy your time at home!

Enjoy your time with your family, and congrats on 100 days coming up :)

Hello friends. I'm checking in on my vacation. I think I need to make a point of checking in on this thread until I get back home. I have finally come to terms with the fact that I have used stress from my extremely dysfunctional family as a justification for drinking in the past. I'm on day 102, and I have no desire to derail that. But, I have found thoughts creeping in like "Who would blame me if I drank because of this?" Well, I would blame me.

The constant power struggle in my family, and using each other as tools to manipulate other members of the family is a constant source of disorientation and imbalance for me. It leads to a sort of false, but convenient, hopelessness. And then, I use that as an excuse to drink/use. And on top of that, I also am around my heavy-drinking in-laws. The frustration of listening to someone trying to hold together a train of thought while absolutely wasted, and failing miserably at making any sense, is troubling.

So, tomorrow, I'm planning some good outdoor activities with old friends. Some exercise and laughter will be good to clear my head while I look at my sobriety resources to adjust my vacation sobriety plan, and make sure that I'm as safe as possible. And at some point, I will check in to tell you all how great day 103 is!

Glad you recognized you needed to and checked in!

Sometimes it's hard to remember but you can't do anything about them. They're going to be who they're going to be.

All you can do is protect you and you did that by coming here. Good plan!

Family relationships can be tough under normal circumstances. Dysfunctional families are extremely difficult. The important thing is that you recognize what's going on.

Protect you sobriety. That's what's important.

hey there

it sounds like you are doing really well and balancing your need for recovery with difficult family issues

you are doing fine and need to be commended

Keep doing what you are doing!!!!

Justin

Saying no or no thank you.
Something I learned in AA back in 1989.
Been working great for me ever since.
Why say yes and then grow a resentment.

Better to give a resentment than to gain one.

MB

That's great Sweaty. I figure if I over commit, I under deliver. Doing only what you can do , when ya want to sounds like a good plan. I'm going to be visiting family in a few weeks. For me its always a scary thing...but I'll have a plan too.

Have fun!

You got this SweatyHands

The key is not in avoiding things that make me uncomfortable, but in actively creating situations that empower me. Today, I went for a hike wih my wife and my dog, fixed a nice lunch for us, took a relaxing nap, played frisbee golf with old friends, and then went out to dinner with those same friends. During the day, I had some more frustrating hoops to jump through sent my way by the mortgage broker, was around several people who were drinking, and covered myself in pollen that I am severely allergic to while fruitlessly searching for a lost frisbee. And, I held my head up high through the whole day because I was in a place of empowerment. I actively pursued what I wanted, and invited anyone who was around to join me in my day, on my terms--in an environment that supported my sobriety, my happiness, and my health. Now, I am going to catch up on the posts from today here as I get ready to tuck myself in after another beautiful day of sobriety.

...And today I was pushed. Hard. It was a perfect storm. I slept poorly last night, so I was tired and grumpy today. We are staying with my wife's parents who are both active alcoholics, and her mother is an absolute trainwreck. Her brother, who is also a big drinker, was over for dinner with his girlfriend, their (largely unsupervised) two year old daughter (who really wanted to yank on the tail of my very timid rescue dog), and the girlfriend's 10 year old daughter with an eating disorder. And my dry drunk and addicted to opioids abusive, racist father was over for dinner, just to make everything extra special. My wife's entire family talks very loudly over each other constantly. They interrupt each other, interrupt me, blow right past whatever anyone says about 50% of the time, and have the slurred, repetitive, and fairly incoherent narrative speaking style of your typical long-time day-drinkers.

Things were not great. To say the least. And to top it all off, my primary support system, my wife, was getting angry with me because I was displaying a high level of discomfort about the whole situation. I understand where this was coming from on her part. She wanted to spend time with her family, and she is not as sensitive to them as me, because she isn't an alcoholic. I'm not upset with her in the least, it was just rough to have that last pillar kicked out from under me. As the evening progressed, I had to at one point excuse myself to throw up from anxiety. I also had to fight the urge to lose it over two people making fun of the ten year old's weight, while her mother was yelling at her for not eating. (I'm in training to be a psychotherapist, and eating disorders are an area that I am very passionate about/compassionate towards.)

But, I focused on my breath, I stayed with my desire to live sober, and I kept my awareness of my body's contact with the earth. After I ate, I once again excused myself, this time to walk my dog and re-ground myself. And, here I am: ready to go to bed sober. The ship broke up on the rocks, and I was able to swim to shore by myself.

And, I'm proud to say, I found an opportunity to give the ten year old some words of compassion and encouragement--something that the ten year old me desperately needed/still needs.

Very well done, amidst what certainly sounds like a test of all the perfect triggers you've had before. I commend you. congrats on your 100 plus days as well!

Today, I built on my hard-won success from yesterday. I over-extended myself today, but I was fairly confident that I would be able to do everything that I planned to without sacrificing too much of my time to take care of myself. First, I went to the big specialty foods grocery store with my mother to educate her on some products that she wanted to use. (I was a professional chef for 15+ years, once upon a time.) While there, I bought some fancy chocolate for my wife, and some really good sodas that I can't find out west. Then, we set out to head downtown to see an old friend, but at the last minute, she cancelled on us. So we took the unexpected free time to go explore our old neighborhood and have a nice quiet lunch together. After that, I went with my sister and her husband to the farmer's market, where my wife rejoined us after catching up with a friend of hers from college. Then we finished off the day by joining some of our best friends for dinner at their home. I spent the evening drinking mineral water and playing with their three small children.

Now, I'm reflecting back on another day of sobriety and happiness, and looking forward to doing it again tomorrow.

Wow! I love this sentence!

I did a great job at setting and keeping boundaries with people today. My wife and I had plans to go out to dinner with my mother, step-father, sister, brother in law, aunt, and two of my sister's friends who live near my parents. My mother invited my wife's parents to join us as well. This afternoon, I noticed that my mother in law was drinking way too much to be going out to dinner tonight. But, it's not my responsibility to police her consumption in her own home--and it certainly doesn't do anyone any good for me to get all worked up over it. So at dinner, as my mother in law was working on a 32 ounce margarita (no, that's not an exaggeration), she started getting very sloppy and making less sense than usual. Her husband collected her and drove her home while we were finishing up dinner. When I got home, I was treated to the persistant sound of her violently vomiting in her bedroom below where I was watching tv. Aside from being a little sad that she's not ready to choose sobriety, I was just happy that it's no longer me finishing up the evening by throwing up my dinner.

Also, earlier today I received a very long, very lovely email from my good friend, mentor, and former academic advisor. After writing her a long letter catching her up on my life as of late, I realized that it's the first time in a year that I have only had good news to relate about my life.

So that's today. I'm exhausted, but happy. And I'm looking forward to enjoying my last day of vacation tomorrow.

It's the end of my vacation. Tomorrow morning, we start driving back west, but we are stopping part of the way through to spend the night. I'm planning on posting some thoughts tomorrow night after having the day to look back on the whole week. Thank you all for giving me the space to get these thoughts out while I've been out here. I was definitely having a hard time at the beginning of the week. But just the simple act of admitting that I was feeling the stress of being here while holding my sobriety was extremely helpful. Getting these thoughts out every night helped me keep focused on being present for myself and my wife while on this trip. And being present helped me remain honest with myself about my journey in recovery.

I just want to share this quick story from today before I go to bed: This morning, I went to my mother's house to take a yoga instruction session from her in exchange for giving her some meditation instruction. As I have written about here several times, I have not always had the best relationship with my mother. But, I have decided that the most important thing for me to find some peace with this relationship is to simply forgive my mother, accept her for who she is, and live my life without holding on to resentment towards her. After we finished the yoga class, I gave a brief meditation instruction, and we sat together in meditation for a while. During this time, I was aware of a very deep feeling of peace and comfort around my mother. After meditating, we bowed to each other, sat and shared a pot of tea, and then I left to start getting ready for the trip home tomorrow. Later in the evening, we went to a local church festival to meet some friends and family, including my mother. Some friends of ours told us that they had a housewarming gift for us to take back to Colorado for our new home. We opened up the present, and it is a beautiful statue of the Buddha. I thought that was a perfect gift to come at the end of this very transformative week.

I'm relaxing in my hotel room in Kansas, about 2/3 of the way home. I survived vacation, by using the tools that I have developed, and by reaching out to the people in my life that I trust. Now that vacation is over, I have a full summer of big changes and hard work ahead of me. I think it's time for me to start evaluating what I am getting out of the aspects of my life where I devote my time and energy. Over the next weeks and months, I may not be around so much, but I will be checking in periodically. For those who have been reaching out and offering support, thank you very much. And for those of you who have reached out for support, I will be in contact. Send me a private message if you would like my email to stay in contact.

Have a great summer everyone!