What was I thinking....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Posts: 98
What was I thinking....
For 20 years i've been lying to myself, saying I can stop anytime, I just drink because I enjoy it. Now that it has all but destroyed me, and my I have no choice but stop or wind up losing everything I have worked for, I am here a day 1, talking to myself, trying to convince myself that I should start tomorrow, it seems so irrational when I think about it, but it's hard to get that little voice to be quiet!!! I know I would feel better now if I just went and got something to take the edge off but it won't fix my life!!! I swear, I going to go nuts!!!
Anyway, thanks for letting me vent.
Anyway, thanks for letting me vent.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
It is irrational. That's addiction. There's no controlling it or truly understanding the obsession. All the knowledge in the world doesn't matter. The addict wants one thing, it's substance. And it will do anything to get it. Lie, cheat, hurt others, hurt you.
This is a one day at a time deal. Don't drink today, no matter what. You can do this. Read around and think about what your plan will be for continued recovery. Hang in there.
This is a one day at a time deal. Don't drink today, no matter what. You can do this. Read around and think about what your plan will be for continued recovery. Hang in there.
Choosing Life
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 1,435
That's just your addictive voice throwing a tantrum to get what it wants. Just "take the edge off," it's telling you. You know it won't stop there. It never did for me either.
The first few days are the hardest. As long as you don't pick up, they will get easier. Sometimes it's not just one day at a time ... it's one hour at a time and often one minute at a time. Find some things to occupy your head. Read around the forum, read about recovery plans, and then start making one. I always found that if I could just get one sober day under my belt, things got easier. You can do this, just don't give in to that bratty voice!
The first few days are the hardest. As long as you don't pick up, they will get easier. Sometimes it's not just one day at a time ... it's one hour at a time and often one minute at a time. Find some things to occupy your head. Read around the forum, read about recovery plans, and then start making one. I always found that if I could just get one sober day under my belt, things got easier. You can do this, just don't give in to that bratty voice!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Welcome to the family. 
I think the first week is the hardest. After you get thru the detox, it starts getting better. I hope our support can help you get sober for good. It takes some effort and changes but is well worth it.
I think the first week is the hardest. After you get thru the detox, it starts getting better. I hope our support can help you get sober for good. It takes some effort and changes but is well worth it. Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Posts: 98
Thanks so much. I Appreciate your support. I had found this site ages ago, but like any good alcoholic I decided I wasn't ready, I finally figured I was never going to be ready, but if I want to get my life together, I have work on this dirty little secret.
I will definitely be hanging around, reading, venting, and keeping my big girl panties pulled up to get through this.
I will definitely be hanging around, reading, venting, and keeping my big girl panties pulled up to get through this.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Vegit, I was sure I could stop when I wanted to, no problem. I just wasn't ready to stop yet. What a surprise when I needed to stop and I couldn't! This disease is very sneaky and relentless. I'm glad you came back and posted and I hope you continue to read and post here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Posts: 98
Thanks. I think I have known for years I had a huge problem but was unwilling to accept it. It's funny, where I work everyone jokes all day, right from the start about how it's a crap day and they want a drink, so it was a culture of acceptance, and I sure did accept that drinking every single day was ok. But, I can't do it, financially of physically. I don't have much in the way of support, and have spent all my time drink alone and being anti social.
But, the time has come, so I will be making a pest of myself on this site to make sure I stay on track.
But, the time has come, so I will be making a pest of myself on this site to make sure I stay on track.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by Vegit8 
Now that it has all but destroyed me, and my I have no choice but stop or wind up losing everything I have worked for,
I was one of the fourturnate ones that after a life time of running a muck with the liquid devil still have many blessings. Why? I often wonder, because I know what I truly deserve.
Just a small warning from up top the mountain.
This is probably a good time to make a firm decision.
Mountainmanbob
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Posts: 98
Alright my new found peep's.... I am here for round 2 (day 2)!!!! Sleep was the pits, I gotta admit, I guess that's going to take a bit, but I woke up after 4 hours without a headache and no desire to run to washroom and puke, and best of all, no bottle of vodka & oj on my nightstand to start drinking.
Gonna pretend I'm normal, go have a nice shower, something to eat, feed the cats....
Ah, here's hoping AV is not quite as trying today.
Have a wonderful day everyone.
Gonna pretend I'm normal, go have a nice shower, something to eat, feed the cats....
Ah, here's hoping AV is not quite as trying today.
Have a wonderful day everyone.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Vegit8
For 20 years i've been lying to myself, saying I can stop anytime, I just drink because I enjoy it. Now that it has all but destroyed me, and my I have no choice but stop or wind up losing everything I have worked for, I am here a day 1, talking to myself, trying to convince myself that I should start tomorrow, it seems so irrational when I think about it, but it's hard to get that little voice to be quiet!!! I know I would feel better now if I just went and got something to take the edge off but it won't fix my life!!! I swear, I going to go nuts!!!
Anyway, thanks for letting me vent.
Anyway, thanks for letting me vent.
Turns out, that 'edge off' is only temporary, and what it REALLY does behind the haze is continues to hone that edge sharper and more deadly with every drink, every blackout, every breath....
Work was a fantastic source of justification for me, too. Even to this day, seldom does a day go by that someone doesn't comment about looking forward to, needing, wanting, celebrating a drink. Every trip I go on, I see the puffed, flushed faces and the bleary eyes of the alcohol-fueled businessperson all around me. Our very capitalist model drives a way of life that leads us welcomingly into a trap of addiction. A cycle of unhappiness that makes it all the more difficult to remove ourselves from the trap.
Anyway.... come on in and vent anytime. You're going through a journey that MANY of us are deeply familiar with. And many around you have as well, or are secretly even now, or desperately need to but are in denial of. You're not broken or hopeless or unfortunate, you are blessed; because this is the open door of a far better, deeper, more abundant and joyful life.
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