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Old 05-29-2016, 01:37 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Losing this fight


I can't seem to grasp recovery. I have been in and out of 12 step programs for 13 years now. I'm 34 with two boys ages 1 and 2. Recently managed 4 months sober but got drunk again last night.
I feel like this disease is gonna kill me. I don't know how to value myself enough to stay sober. My poor children deserve better
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Old 05-29-2016, 01:41 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Please keep fighting. You are worth it. I relapsed big time Friday and I know how hopeless you are feeling right now. Please just try and get through today. I feel so lost myself right now but people have beaten this. You can. Your children do deserve better and you'll be the very person to give them that better life.

Please just try, don't give up. It's all we can cling on to today.
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Old 05-29-2016, 01:47 PM   #3 (permalink)
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your kids do deserve better.....and SO DO YOU. you've been trying for 13 or so years now.....let's call that practice. now is the time to get serious for good......no more trying, just DOING. as in DO whatever it takes to get sober and STAY sober. there are many different programs and methods. and any of them will work with 100% success if you do one thing......DO NOT DRINK AT ALL EVER, PERIOD.

now is the time. i'm glad you are here!!!!
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Old 05-29-2016, 01:49 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Sorry you are feeling so down. Keep trying, keep trying, keep trying ... the next time just might have a miracle in store for you. If you have been able to get 4 months then you have what it takes to get sober. It's just a matter of it really clicking. Never give up hope!
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Old 05-29-2016, 01:50 PM   #5 (permalink)
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You deserve better aswell welcome to a supportive site with good people you had 4 months so you know you can do it

Having & sticking to a plan will help you stay accountable and accepting the facts will give you a solid foundation to work off
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Old 05-29-2016, 01:52 PM   #6 (permalink)
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You deserve better aswell welcome to a supportive site with good people you had 4 months so you know you can do it

Having & sticking to a plan will help you stay accountable and accepting the facts will give you a solid foundation to work off
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Old 05-29-2016, 01:55 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I'm tired of failing. My heart just aches all the time.
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Old 05-29-2016, 01:57 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Stop fighting and surrender.

It took me 25 years of being in and out of AA before I worked those steps and a miracle took place. I was 50. 5 years later, I really wish I had stayed stopped earlier in my life. 5 years of sobriety and I am so relieved I don't need to drink to live today.

Your choice.....sober or not? Make a decision and stick with it and pick up that toolbox of recovery actions and DO them. You CAN stay stopped and have an awesome life!!!
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Old 05-29-2016, 02:01 PM   #9 (permalink)
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This disease is relentless and I think you feel you are losing yourself. But, you can stop the descent and change your life. Have you considered trying things other than AA, such as AVRT or SMART? It could be that adding to or changing your recovery plan would help.
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Old 05-29-2016, 02:03 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I felt the same way a couple of years ago, so I gave up. I stopped fighting it and took drinking as an option completely off the table , and then started to learn how to live with that decision, turns out it is entirely doable, proof being if I can do it , it's definitely doable. It's hard at first, obviously, but gets better , maybe not so much easier at first but better for sure.
Finding SR and then discovering RR and AVRT(there are great threads about these ideas in the Secular Connections forum here on SR) started me a path I've been able to stay on.
I may not be 'in love with myself'(yet?) , but having made that decision and the decision to not change my mind, has gone a very long way to developing some self respect and a start to trying to develop some self love, caring.
You can do it, it takes a leap of faith to believe it, take the leap
wish you well and hope to see you around
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Old 05-29-2016, 02:12 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I'm a novice at this, but from where I stand you are doing an incredible job. 4 months is amazing! The most I have ever managed is 3 nights. I really don't have any advice I'm afraid. Just know that you are not a failure, you are an inspiration to many, including me. If I ever get to 4 months (here's hoping!), I will think of you and thank you for helping to get me there.
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Old 05-29-2016, 02:14 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Welcome to the family. You'll find lots of support and good ideas here. I hope we can help you get sober for good.
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Old 05-29-2016, 02:18 PM   #13 (permalink)
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This might not come out as well as I intend it to as ive just woken up. However... I'm just wondering what other methods of soriety you have tried. If youre not having success with AA, there are other tools you can use.

I think AVRT http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/3456630-post1.html saved me in the beginning. Im not allowed to post the link to the site, but you can google.
All Im saying is I went from a daily drinker of 30 years to being quit for since OCT 2014. It took a few attempts but the more tools I used, the easier it became. The last time worked... dont give up you just dont know which attempt will work.
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Old 05-29-2016, 02:31 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kencinio View Post
.. I have been in and out of 12 step programs for 13 years now. ...
What does that mean precisely?
How often did you go?
Did you have a sponsor?
Did you do the steps?
Did you read the AA material?
Did you have a spiritual practice?

If you could elaborate IŽd be interested to know!
S
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Old 05-29-2016, 02:47 PM   #15 (permalink)
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It's already been said in this thread. Recovery begins with surrender. Not just to your disease, (as in you can't have just one and it destroys your life when you use), but to the process of recovery.

That means participating in the program entirely. Even when you don't feel like it. Even the parts that you don't want to do.

You are right about one thing - the disease will kill you if you do nothing.

There is nothing to grasp. The NA basic text puts it this way "you don't have to understand this program in order for it to work, all you need to do is to follow direction".

The directions aren't all that hard.
  • go to a meeting every day
  • call someone before you get loaded
  • get the numbers of the people that are so together that they scare you
  • call those people a lot, when you feel like using, when you don't feel right, and at least one every day
  • from one of those people create a sponsorship relationship with them
  • work the steps with the guidance of your sponsor
  • don't use alcohol or other drugs today, no matter what happens, and no matter how you feel
  • change who you hang out with, and where you hang out.
  • lather, rinse, repeat

Recovery isn't magical, it takes time, and it takes perseverance. But it does work.

You're not different, unique, or defective. You just need to give yourself a break.
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Old 05-29-2016, 03:20 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kencinio View Post
I don't know how to value myself enough to stay sober.
Imagine it's 30 years in the future and one of your boys said that to you. What would you tell him? Would you just let him believe that or would you fight? Would you let him slip away or would you fight?

You'd fight like hell.

Every reason that exists to fight for your sons applies to you, too.

Welcome to the fight of your life. Get after it.
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Old 05-29-2016, 03:39 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Four months is pretty good. Stop beating yourself up. That alcohol is just kickin your butt right now. Back on the horse with you I say and damn the torpedoes. Pull out all the stops, more meetings, more SR, more recovery, more god and spirituality. Sail into the mystic. Make staying sober your number 1 priority all day, everyday. Your worth it and you know it! Mai is sending you love.
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Old 05-29-2016, 03:42 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Welcome Kencinio - you're among friends who understand and care.

Every time I picked up, I swore I'd be able to use willpower to control how much I would have. It took me a very long time to admit there was no way of managing what would happen once the first drink hit me. The only way to be safe was to not touch it. There will never be 'one or two' for me. Glad you are here.
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Old 05-29-2016, 03:48 PM   #19 (permalink)
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You've received a lot of good advice. The good news? You never have to feel this way again. Drop the heavy weight of your addiction and surrender. Sounds simple huh? Not easy.....you will never regret your kids growing up with a sober mom.
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Old 05-29-2016, 03:51 PM   #20 (permalink)
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It is true - even "bad" days sober are better than being drunk. Get back on the horse and know that every single day you spend sober is a good day in this short life.
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