2muchpain

I wouldn't call four months sober failing! You had a setback and that's all it has to be as long as you don't give up. John

Rar

I also managed a little over 4 months on my first try and threw it all away, thinking I could moderate. I also had a failed 2nd attempt. This is my 3rd try and it's more difficult than the other two. I intend for it to be my last. It took a lot of courage for me to try again. I figured I was too old and might as well drink. That was my fear and I was in the midst of a pity party. You, however, are very young. You have your whole life ahead of you, not to mention your children's lives. Go for it. You can do it.

Delilah1

I too have struggled to stay stopped over the years, however, something was different this past NYE and I decided I was done. I will have five months on June 1st, and SR, especially the January class have been my greatest support. I make sure to log in here several times throughout the day. I read and post and it really does help.

What has worked for you in the past? What do you think you can add to help you in your journey?

pandblvr

I know the ache your heart feels. I know the hopelessness you feel to your core. I know you go to bed with the best intentions to live sober tomorrow and it just never happens.

Just because today wasn't a sober day, doesn't mean tomorrow can't be. More often than not, I would tell myself that I will just make it through this hour and then I'll drink. If I just make it through the morning, I'll drink at lunch. And then lunch would come and I'd say--Let me try to make it through work and then I'll drink when I get home. I really would have to distract myself and fight like hell to stay sober another hour longer. And before I knew it, I was going to bed SOBER!

I know you said you have tried 12-step meetings and I did too without success for a long time. I was going to all the wrong meetings and just focusing on how to stop drinking until I got my **** together and not finding a real solution. I will say it is hard to weed through the bull in some meetings. A lot of it is fellowship and friendship, but I needed to hear a solution that was going to save my life. If you hear someone you think sounds good, watch their feet--it's the actions they take that makes the difference in recovery.

I know it sounds overwhelming and I'm sure you have been through it all before. I can honestly say the difference for me this time is that I know I have tried everything humanly possible to stay sober and none of it worked. It was only when I listened and actually heard the answer from my higher power, the universe, nature, God, Buddha, Jesus, AA, Good Orderly Direction, my inner self, whatever you want to call it and that I truly believe with every cell in my body that I can never successfully drink or get high. I made it through heroin and cocaine addiction, but alcohol really and truly kicked my butt.

I also believe that when I am helping others, it is almost impossible to worry about my problems. Maybe go to a meeting and offer your experience and struggles and the things you learned during your sober time to someone who only has an hour clean? I know it sounds cheesy, but it will give you strength.

I hope and pray that something eases the ache in your heart and that you realize the sober experience you have in your past is a strong foundation to build more time.

Keep fighting love<3

Kencinio

I have been to treatment 3 times. Over came cocaine and meth 6 years ago.
I have a sponsor but find it very difficult to go to meetings with two babies and an elderly woman I'm a wheel chair.
Today I started antibuse I am absolutely determined not to drink again. I just gotta figure out how to love myself, to figure out who I am and build on it good or bad.
Self acceptance is a hard pill to swollow

pandblvr

This, my friends, is the whole point of recovery! I applaud you THISMADAMISDONE--YOU are an inspiration also. The whole point of recovery is to share your experience, struggles, strength and hope with the still suffering alcoholic/addict--So that you can share a solution with others so that they may live a sober life and in turn do the same for another. The fact that you thanked someone for helping you stay sober in the future because they shared their struggles is incredible! HUMILITY. It's refreshing to see that. You should really pat yourself on the back for grasping that concept. And I must applaud my friends on SR for their support as well. There is so much knowledge here--I'm privileged to be a part of something like this.

I really pray you give yourself another chance to get four days this time. Just because today wasn't a sober day, doesn't mean tomorrow can't be. Think of all the people who will read your post and stay sober.

Thank you for helping me on my journey as well and reminding us all that it all comes down to something so simple.

Keep fighting<3

pandblvr

Antabuse saved my life. I could not physically put 24 hours clean together. My obsession and compulsion to drink was so powerful. I honestly believe that without Antabuse, I would not be sober today.

It is not the whole solution, but it is a great start. And trust me when I say I've done the research for you--Don't drink on it. The reaction was awful. I felt like I was dying. It was actually really scary-I felt like I was having an intense, severe allergic reaction. I guess I was, to alcohol.

I will say, I think it is vital to work some kind of program while you are taking the Antabuse. Just because you have stopped drinking physically, you are still emotionally, spiritually and fundamentally an alcoholic. Drinking is just a symptom of the disease. I'm sure you probably know this, but I am excited for you because you have given yourself a good chance to stay sober for keeps now.

I will have 18 months sober in July and I still take my Antabuse every day. There is just something very powerful about knowing in your gut that you cannot drink or you will get sick. The fact that no matter what, you can't drink, really makes a difference. Maybe my recovery will be strong enough in the future that I can stop taking it, but for now, in my experience, this is helping my sobriety.

Very proud of you for taking this step- you seem like a brave person, who will go to any lengths to stay sober.

Keep fighting<3

Berrybean

What does your sponsor say about it all? Are you working through the steps with this sponsor? If so, where are you at now?

You know, I used to think I couldn't make it to meetings, then I became desperate, and with the desperation came willingness. The willingness to put the same level of effort into getting sober as I'd always put into getting drunk. So, maybe with the money you'd have spent on booze you could pay for a few hours child care a couple of hours a week?

I think there are lots of us who think AA isn't working for them (I was one for a while as well). I needed to reach a stage of having an attitude of acceptance rather that one of fighting. Acceptance of my alcoholism. Acceptance of responsibility for myself and my actions. And Acceptance that we only get out of recovery what we put into it. I needed to become completely willing to do that work, and do it. Then gradually I started to feel some relief. I started to want to live. I started to enjoy sober peace and quiet (unheard of for me). I started for feel some gratitude for simple things in the world and in my life. It was like someone had taken a big thick heavy, stuffy blanket off my head and I could see things differently to how I'd seen things before. It really was like a light bulb being switched on.

BUT, i have learned (through a couple of complacent / lazy episodes) that i only maintain this state if i keep working at it. If i dont do the work, my AV will soon start getting busy: eating away at my serenity; making me want to isolate and lose trust in my support network; telling me i'm horrible and worthless; all the old stuff. So. I do the work. What work? Well, I always get to at least two meetings a week (more, if I'm having a hard time, or there are events coming up that are likely triggers). I do service at meetings, I make myself available to support other members on the phone just like they do for me, I use the AA recovery prayers every morning, and often again at various intervals to get me through the day. I listen to AA Speaker recordings between meetings; I read recovery or spiritual literature; I read and post on here daily; and I do a daily inventory (admittedly not written as many people would advise) at the end of the day. I do these things because when I speak to my sponsor and others who 'have what I want' i hear that they do these things. That is how they 'work' their program. If I want what they've got, I know that I need to try to do what they do. And if I want it bad enough, I will find a way to do this stuff. Because recovery doesn't fall on anyone's lap from what I've seen and heard in the rooms and on here. Everyone who has it has worked for it. And actually, doing the work gives me far more every that white-knuckling it or being actively alcoholic takes away. So it does pay off more than it cost me in time and effort.

Where there is a will there is a way. It was hard to see a way at first, because every time I got an idea my AV told me it was rubbish and it'd never work (just another example of the big fat lies our AV tells us). Why not ask your sponsor to go through some of this stuff with you over a cuppa and make a daily and weekly plan of how you can make things start happening for you?

This is the link for the AA speaker recordings website that I use. It's completely free. 5500+ AA Speakers & Tapes - Organized & Mobile-Friendly!

Here is a website with the different 12-step prayers on it. .. Friends of Bill W. - Twelve Step Prayersfromthe Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

If you don't have much AA literature to read at home, no worries, most of it is free to download online... Alcoholics Anonymous : Alcoholics Anonymous , as is the 12 and 12, which I find really helpful... Alcoholics Anonymous : Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions.

Good luck. Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB

maimaitreya

Hi Kencinio, you're a fighter for sure and you want sobriety and recovery. I pray a lot. It's almost a constant in my mind. As soon as I hear that voice in my mind starting to chatter anything negative or if I'm around someone whose energy is making me feel uneasy or if I'm starting to feel sad or lonely or if I'm getting anxious or if I'm happy. I pray. To the supreme being and I use prayers that are ancient. My higher power is loving and compassionate. This is what is keeping me sober. Nothing else worked for me. I go to AA as well, I do avrt, and I keep an open mind for any and all info on recovery and living well in sobriety. Is there a spiritual side to your recovery? Only you can answer that question. Dive deep into the pool of recovery. Swim with the colourful fish and the dolphins, avoid the sharks. One day at a time.

Meraviglioso

Hi and welcome Kincinio. I am a mother of two as well so I know what a great motivation your children are for you to get and stay sober. It took me years of trying to get where I am but I am proudly 75 days sober today. I have a long way to go before I feel solid in my recovery, but I'm finally on my way and it feels great. You know you are capable of doing it to as you have done it in the past. You can do it, and more, again.
You are not a bad person, you are an alcoholic, there is a difference.
I think trying antabuse is a great idea. Do you have someone who can give it to you, watch you drink it to be sure you take it and offer support as you do? I know that is not always possible but it was recommended by my psychologist and I like the idea.
There are also medications that specifically address cravings, which I believe can be taken in addition to antabuse (I have used both, but separately). You can ask your doctor about campral and naltrexone. I used campral with success and just getting a little break from the cravings freed up some mind space to take on other parts of my recovery plan.
Stick around here, we are here to support you every step of the way.

Dee74

How are you doing Kencinio?

D

hollywould2

Best quote ever.

desertsong

I can totally relate to you. I'm a mom of two boys - my oldest is 21 and living on his own. My younger son is 17 but is severely autistic and has the maturity of a 2 year old. It's tough. But motherhood, with all of its challenges, is much easier sober. When I was drinking, I found all of it overwhelming and I drank because I thought it was helping me "cope." In reality, all it did was make me "check out" and ignore my kids. Even worse if I passed out or blacked out.

I was on Antabuse for a year and it really helped me. Knowing I couldn't drink without getting violently ill put to rest the mental battle in my head of "should I or shouldn't I?" There was no debate, no mental torture. That was huge for me. But I couldn't stay on it forever and knew I needed a plan to stay sober when I went off of it. Start working on that NOW. You don't want to be taking that stuff forever because it can be harsh on your liver, every bit as much as alcohol. Have a plan to "catch" you when you go off of the Antabuse - plan ahead. And while you're on it, use the time to really explore your drinking ... why you did it, what you need to do to achieve lasting sobriety, what kinds of things you can add to your life to replace the drinking, how you can cope with stress differently, etc.

You can do this and you CAN give your children the mother they deserve!