Back to missing it again
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 734
Back to missing it again
So stupid but still all consuming - on a proper downer and can't snap out of it no matter how hard I try.
Many of my colleagues and friends currently on an annual industry get together overseas something I've attended year on year for many years now and for the last 7 followed it up with our annual holiday - basically meaning 3 weeks of partying and the real start of summer out with all the lads / weekends away / pub gardens etc etc etc etc.
Speaking to some of them earlier hearing them all having a laugh and a great time being careful what they say knowing how much it does my head in whilst I'm stuck back here truly feeling like I am missing out and to be honest will miss out constantly in the future, I just don't see any possibility of returning to any of the scenes I was involved in - got me into thinking of jacking my job in to get myself away from everyone and everything as being around them all the time just means I can't get away from what I still long to be a part of but know there is no option and no way back in as I can't control myself once I start - I then text my wife telling her how I feel and that means I then upset her as she's worried I'm gonna do something silly and walk away from my job - I can't stand the fact that no matter what I do I feel absolutely trapped when it gets like this - go to meetings / counselling / play the tape thro / think of the consequences / think of all the positive things that are happening - yes I know all about that but it doesn't change the fact that I really do feel like I'm back to that little boy lost scenario where I don't feel like I fit in anywhere or with anyone and I'm completely fed up of it - all I really want to do is get absolutely smashed and forget about the lot of it but that can't and won't happen - I'm missing things and no matter how much I try and change it just keeps coming back - it's not an option and just feels like there's no way out of this chain of thought when it takes hold.
It will pass as long as I don't act on it and I will feel better just right now I feel like screaming and kicking something rather hard with sheer frustration at being in this position and point in my life.
Many of my colleagues and friends currently on an annual industry get together overseas something I've attended year on year for many years now and for the last 7 followed it up with our annual holiday - basically meaning 3 weeks of partying and the real start of summer out with all the lads / weekends away / pub gardens etc etc etc etc.
Speaking to some of them earlier hearing them all having a laugh and a great time being careful what they say knowing how much it does my head in whilst I'm stuck back here truly feeling like I am missing out and to be honest will miss out constantly in the future, I just don't see any possibility of returning to any of the scenes I was involved in - got me into thinking of jacking my job in to get myself away from everyone and everything as being around them all the time just means I can't get away from what I still long to be a part of but know there is no option and no way back in as I can't control myself once I start - I then text my wife telling her how I feel and that means I then upset her as she's worried I'm gonna do something silly and walk away from my job - I can't stand the fact that no matter what I do I feel absolutely trapped when it gets like this - go to meetings / counselling / play the tape thro / think of the consequences / think of all the positive things that are happening - yes I know all about that but it doesn't change the fact that I really do feel like I'm back to that little boy lost scenario where I don't feel like I fit in anywhere or with anyone and I'm completely fed up of it - all I really want to do is get absolutely smashed and forget about the lot of it but that can't and won't happen - I'm missing things and no matter how much I try and change it just keeps coming back - it's not an option and just feels like there's no way out of this chain of thought when it takes hold.
It will pass as long as I don't act on it and I will feel better just right now I feel like screaming and kicking something rather hard with sheer frustration at being in this position and point in my life.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I understand. I felt that way about industry events and work getaways when I first got sober....
looking back now, though, I realize how much awfulness came with those. The partying was paid for; a cost to my health, my self esteem, my self respect, even my respect at work - when my drunken behavior became a liability.
When I reflect on how empty those things were, how utterly meaningless the whooping and whirling and raucous "good times". How in the grand scheme of my life, how totally unimportant those moments were - I am so glad to have let them go. I understand you're not there yet - but I offer this as hope and experience. I GET it. I've been there. Yet having been there and gone through it, I have nothing but deep gratitude that I have left that nonsense behind. I now see it as all just a sham. A charade orchestrated by the industry to keep us deluded and keep us focused on PRODUCING for them. Those things are not about 'togetherness' or friendship or caring or meaning.... they are about keeping us hazed out into thinking that the sacrifce of our lives to the almighty dollar for the benefit of shareholder value are WORTH IT.
They are not.
It's a giant ruse, and the joke is on us.
We who have struggled with addiction and alcoholism are actually blessed.... our addiction is a free ticket out of that madness.
looking back now, though, I realize how much awfulness came with those. The partying was paid for; a cost to my health, my self esteem, my self respect, even my respect at work - when my drunken behavior became a liability.
When I reflect on how empty those things were, how utterly meaningless the whooping and whirling and raucous "good times". How in the grand scheme of my life, how totally unimportant those moments were - I am so glad to have let them go. I understand you're not there yet - but I offer this as hope and experience. I GET it. I've been there. Yet having been there and gone through it, I have nothing but deep gratitude that I have left that nonsense behind. I now see it as all just a sham. A charade orchestrated by the industry to keep us deluded and keep us focused on PRODUCING for them. Those things are not about 'togetherness' or friendship or caring or meaning.... they are about keeping us hazed out into thinking that the sacrifce of our lives to the almighty dollar for the benefit of shareholder value are WORTH IT.
They are not.
It's a giant ruse, and the joke is on us.
We who have struggled with addiction and alcoholism are actually blessed.... our addiction is a free ticket out of that madness.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Good for you for posting, Andy.
To borrow an adage, Rome wasn't built in a day. You're not the same guy you were when you came here. You're not going to be the same guy six months from now. Or a year. Or beyond that.
If you're fixated on "missing out," I can see where it would be difficult. Try not to think of it in those terms.
By the way, how much do you miss devastating hangovers?
I didn't always feel like I knew myself during the first year of sobriety. It gets better and it gets easier to find yourself accustomed to growth and change.
(Plus, there's always the standby tool: read your first post here on SR.)
Take care, Andy. You're doing so many things right. Afford yourself the gift of patience.
To borrow an adage, Rome wasn't built in a day. You're not the same guy you were when you came here. You're not going to be the same guy six months from now. Or a year. Or beyond that.
If you're fixated on "missing out," I can see where it would be difficult. Try not to think of it in those terms.
By the way, how much do you miss devastating hangovers?
I didn't always feel like I knew myself during the first year of sobriety. It gets better and it gets easier to find yourself accustomed to growth and change.
(Plus, there's always the standby tool: read your first post here on SR.)
Take care, Andy. You're doing so many things right. Afford yourself the gift of patience.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
When I was in tech years ago we had some serious boondoggles. Sales people. Work hard, play hard. And there were good times. I wasn't a full blown alcoholic, thank god, because who knows what would have happened. But thinking back. I was always one of the people who took it too far. I wasn't the only one, but I did things and acted in ways that weren't appropriate. If the evenings had ended 4 hours earlier than they always did, then they would be good memories...but they didn't...and I took things too far. I don't miss that part at all.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 292
Sorry to hear how you are feeling. I can identify with you, too. I still get really frustrated about how unfair it is that I can't have a few beers/wines like a 'normal' person- and yes, I can feel like I'm missing out. Parties/gatherings are still hard for me. Everyone is letting their hair down and enjoying themselves and without booze I'm definitely quieter, more reserved and feel a bit boring sometimes.
When you look back though it's not all that good. Blackouts, hangovers, horrible shame....no I don't want to go back there.
Everyone may seem to be having a good time but it's not actually all that great. Even for nonalcoholics alcohol can turn them into sloppy drunks, who can't dance and aren't as funny as they think they are, and they may have one too many and say/do something silly. And then wake up with badger breath, a jackhammer going off in their head and a stomach as rough as the North Sea.
And what's good is that I don't have that any more.
Good idea to post here and have a rant. I find this place great. You sound really committed as well. Good luck xx
When you look back though it's not all that good. Blackouts, hangovers, horrible shame....no I don't want to go back there.
Everyone may seem to be having a good time but it's not actually all that great. Even for nonalcoholics alcohol can turn them into sloppy drunks, who can't dance and aren't as funny as they think they are, and they may have one too many and say/do something silly. And then wake up with badger breath, a jackhammer going off in their head and a stomach as rough as the North Sea.
And what's good is that I don't have that any more.
Good idea to post here and have a rant. I find this place great. You sound really committed as well. Good luck xx
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 734
Thanks for the replies all - to put it down and read it back and hear your words of advice and support has certainly helped me out - appreciate that.
I do need to sort the missing out and also the association of places / events out in my head - that's where I'm really struggling and getting myself worked up prior to or thinking of things - obsessively and constantly.
Patience has never really been my strongest virtue but I do realise this will take time - I'm in for the long haul of that there's no doubt - just needed that rant and to get it off my chest.
Hangovers weren't a problem but guess that was the sign of the problem - people always used to tell me I wasn't normal after the states I was in and then up and away and off again or back to work on after a few days away on it - they were definitely right with the not normal bit, I realised that a long time ago just took an age to do something about it.
I do need to sort the missing out and also the association of places / events out in my head - that's where I'm really struggling and getting myself worked up prior to or thinking of things - obsessively and constantly.
Patience has never really been my strongest virtue but I do realise this will take time - I'm in for the long haul of that there's no doubt - just needed that rant and to get it off my chest.
Hangovers weren't a problem but guess that was the sign of the problem - people always used to tell me I wasn't normal after the states I was in and then up and away and off again or back to work on after a few days away on it - they were definitely right with the not normal bit, I realised that a long time ago just took an age to do something about it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 709
RedAndy, you're certainly not the only one who feels that way....it's totally understandable that you feel like you're missing out. That you're punished for being "good." I'm 7 months in and I don't think I could handle a party either, let alone one that goes on for weeks! But sometimes we remember experiences as being more fun than they actually were (you block out those hangovers, for instance...) Still, I empathize with you. It sucks.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 197
I feel for you. I am glad that you are getting the emotions out and not acting on them. I have had those thoughts for a long time, and I just keep on drinking. I find it fundamentally unfair that everyone else gets the luxury of drinking and my poor soul has to abstain (that's sarcasm). It's not like I haven't had about 1,000 chances at drinking like a normal person. Just this week I drank at a concert because it "wasn't fair" that everyone else "got" to drink. While everyone else had their couple drinks and enjoyed the concert, I got blackout drunk, fell on a bleacher and now my legs are black and blue.
By not drinking, I am not missing out. By drinking out of some misguided idea of what's fair, I'm missing out on my own life and injuring myself in the process.
By not drinking, I am not missing out. By drinking out of some misguided idea of what's fair, I'm missing out on my own life and injuring myself in the process.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 151
you're remembering all of the good things and none of the bad things. when you get a wistful craving for those good old days, draw up to mind some of the issues that led you to get out. all's well and good drinking w/friends in the summer evenings, it feels a lot worse the next morning.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 734
Thanks lovetolisten that's a fair reminder of exactly where I'd be right back to if I ever dipped my toes back in and hope you can find the strength to make this time count - good luck.
Re read my first couple of posts also just as a reminder as mentioned - have read them from time to time but not for a while now - it certainly helps realise exactly why we are here.
The wife also pointed out to me at least I do have my sanity (some would question that and I have many times too) go back and not sure how long that would last either she knows that too and makes a good point.
Definitely euphoric recall and know nothing can or will come of it, need to give myself a shake and crack on with things.
Away with all my side of the family tomorrow for a week in a nice part of the country (North Yorkshire) big house for us all - first time we've got together for a while and no one else a real drinker thankfully - altho when I booked it back in October I purposely booked directly opposite a country pub - won't be going in there as that's not my thing at all anymore - plenty of fresh air and walks in the countryside and some nice tea rooms on the agenda - clear my head and chill out.
Re read my first couple of posts also just as a reminder as mentioned - have read them from time to time but not for a while now - it certainly helps realise exactly why we are here.
The wife also pointed out to me at least I do have my sanity (some would question that and I have many times too) go back and not sure how long that would last either she knows that too and makes a good point.
Definitely euphoric recall and know nothing can or will come of it, need to give myself a shake and crack on with things.
Away with all my side of the family tomorrow for a week in a nice part of the country (North Yorkshire) big house for us all - first time we've got together for a while and no one else a real drinker thankfully - altho when I booked it back in October I purposely booked directly opposite a country pub - won't be going in there as that's not my thing at all anymore - plenty of fresh air and walks in the countryside and some nice tea rooms on the agenda - clear my head and chill out.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 734
Arrgggghh - started the morning so well and now its building again - the anger / the resentment at missing out - why me ?? all that why can't I just go out and have a god time - go on holiday and have a good time - yes I know the jist we can have a great time doing so many other things but right now there's only 1 thing I really want to do no matter what the consequences are and I cannot get that out of my head - I am sat in the office at work awaiting to go away for the week and the frustration of it all is just making me want to scream again - walk away from it all not turn back and just drink until I pass out.
I am sick of this even when it does pass it just builds again so quickly - sorry for ranting but I'm not dealing with at all again and don't want to spoil things this week by being a right moody git, got up feeling good again this morning and now back to this.
I am sick of this even when it does pass it just builds again so quickly - sorry for ranting but I'm not dealing with at all again and don't want to spoil things this week by being a right moody git, got up feeling good again this morning and now back to this.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
The urges pass, and every time you overcome one, your sober muscle
gets a bit stronger and the challenge is weaker the next time.
Don't give in, and recognize the addict part of you trying to push you off
the ledge and tell him "No thanks".
Sounds corny, but the smart part of you is here posting;
the part of you that can follow out what happens after that first drink
to your family's disappointment, your renewed cravings,
and the ugly downward spiral starting again.
When I think of where that first drink goes,
I really don't want to take it. . .
gets a bit stronger and the challenge is weaker the next time.
Don't give in, and recognize the addict part of you trying to push you off
the ledge and tell him "No thanks".
Sounds corny, but the smart part of you is here posting;
the part of you that can follow out what happens after that first drink
to your family's disappointment, your renewed cravings,
and the ugly downward spiral starting again.
When I think of where that first drink goes,
I really don't want to take it. . .
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 734
Thanks Hawkeye - I know you're right and know it can't happen - just feel so frustrated and angry right now and feel like telling the world and his wife to just do one and leave me alone to do what I want to do which is in reality feel sorry for myself and get hammered - it's not possible but I can't stand the fact that I'm still getting these incredible urges that I know I can't act on but are driving me nuts when it gets like this.
Resenting the fact that everyone else is away doing what I've done all my life and that I'm missing out - I know I need to let go of that anger / frustration / resentment and see it properly for what it is and where it would lead me - need to think back to that plane and where my head went the last time I drank as at the moment only the sheer frustration of not being out of it is gripping me - nothing else - not even the dangers are registering.
Resenting the fact that everyone else is away doing what I've done all my life and that I'm missing out - I know I need to let go of that anger / frustration / resentment and see it properly for what it is and where it would lead me - need to think back to that plane and where my head went the last time I drank as at the moment only the sheer frustration of not being out of it is gripping me - nothing else - not even the dangers are registering.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,366
Hi Andy
If I'm honest it took me my first year to get over that irrational anger, fear of missing out and self pity. Thats how deep the roots went into me.
But, the more I built a sober life I loved, the less I thought about the life I left behind which, to be honest was just rosy BS misrepresentations of the way it really was anyway:
I'd remember the nights out with the lads...but forget the falling down the stairs after wards...I'd remember the afternoon BBQs but forget the embarrassing behaviour later that night, or the 5 week bender that followed.
My life now is better in every way than it used to be - I wouldn't take a drink again for any money.
You deserve to give yourself a chance to build a life you want to fight for too - beats sitting around wishing for a life that never really existed and you can't ever have.
No time like the present to start
D
If I'm honest it took me my first year to get over that irrational anger, fear of missing out and self pity. Thats how deep the roots went into me.
But, the more I built a sober life I loved, the less I thought about the life I left behind which, to be honest was just rosy BS misrepresentations of the way it really was anyway:
I'd remember the nights out with the lads...but forget the falling down the stairs after wards...I'd remember the afternoon BBQs but forget the embarrassing behaviour later that night, or the 5 week bender that followed.
My life now is better in every way than it used to be - I wouldn't take a drink again for any money.
You deserve to give yourself a chance to build a life you want to fight for too - beats sitting around wishing for a life that never really existed and you can't ever have.
No time like the present to start
D
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: London
Posts: 367
Red Andy, I am experiencing the exact thing atm. We are both at about 6 months I'd I remember correctly. I have a fab job but it's like one big party atmosphere atm and I feel like such a stick in the mud. I am just trying to avoid certain dates so I am not part of these parties. Not sure if I can give you any advice, only don't leave your job. This drinking culture is everywhere we go, I am sure as each season goes by it won't be quite so hard to deal with....saying that I have nothing but empathy for you and your wife.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 734
Hi Zlhzlh, good to hear from you and yes we are a week apart I think so at the same stage most definitely.
I know the grass isn't going to be greener anywhere else and its me and what's in my head that I have to deal with and sort out.
A lot of the time feeling great with it but when it strikes it really is all consuming and pretty overwhelming - got to be someway better of handling this than the way I get so frustrated and worked up - I'll keep trying to find it and won't drink.
Just feels like we've been cut off from the world that we know and I have to be honest a lot of time I absolutely loved, that's the issue it wasn't all bad it was a damned good laugh a lot of the time I just know it was going from bad to worse and the consequences of starting again mean it is simply not an option no matter how hard it gets, I guess and I'm finding it rather difficult to say the least to deal with it at times and let go of the old me - the popular person who was out having a good time - doing what I wanted to be honest but not being responsible in any way shape or form. Guess I've always had this about me that I don't like it when I know there's something I can't do or can't have - I don't usually take no for an answer and have never been much use at listening to others, its always been my way and my way only - I sat up and took notice and doing everything I can to make this better and then it all seems so flat / so uneventful when I'm in this frame of mind.
It will pass I know but I need to find a way of working on it to keep this at bay - have plenty of support but beginning to think how long will people put up with me if I can't sort this out and keep repeating this - it needs something to get rid of it and of course I know that drinking or doing drugs ever again is not the answer.
Certainly not sat back waiting for things to happen and have put more effort into making this work than I've ever done with anything in my life.
Hopefully again it's just a first that once its gone will be dealt with - like I say though I need to deal with me too and get things right for the future.
I know the grass isn't going to be greener anywhere else and its me and what's in my head that I have to deal with and sort out.
A lot of the time feeling great with it but when it strikes it really is all consuming and pretty overwhelming - got to be someway better of handling this than the way I get so frustrated and worked up - I'll keep trying to find it and won't drink.
Just feels like we've been cut off from the world that we know and I have to be honest a lot of time I absolutely loved, that's the issue it wasn't all bad it was a damned good laugh a lot of the time I just know it was going from bad to worse and the consequences of starting again mean it is simply not an option no matter how hard it gets, I guess and I'm finding it rather difficult to say the least to deal with it at times and let go of the old me - the popular person who was out having a good time - doing what I wanted to be honest but not being responsible in any way shape or form. Guess I've always had this about me that I don't like it when I know there's something I can't do or can't have - I don't usually take no for an answer and have never been much use at listening to others, its always been my way and my way only - I sat up and took notice and doing everything I can to make this better and then it all seems so flat / so uneventful when I'm in this frame of mind.
It will pass I know but I need to find a way of working on it to keep this at bay - have plenty of support but beginning to think how long will people put up with me if I can't sort this out and keep repeating this - it needs something to get rid of it and of course I know that drinking or doing drugs ever again is not the answer.
Certainly not sat back waiting for things to happen and have put more effort into making this work than I've ever done with anything in my life.
Hopefully again it's just a first that once its gone will be dealt with - like I say though I need to deal with me too and get things right for the future.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
I progressed to the point where the only thing I was missing was the misery.
I had some old school chums I wanted to party with. These were my best buddies one time. I was so happy to meet up with them again, I was really looking forward to the party, it would be like the good old days.
They met me at the gate. They turned me away. I was invited to leave before the party even got going. I sure don't miss that feeling.
I had some old school chums I wanted to party with. These were my best buddies one time. I was so happy to meet up with them again, I was really looking forward to the party, it would be like the good old days.
They met me at the gate. They turned me away. I was invited to leave before the party even got going. I sure don't miss that feeling.
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