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Certain things you deserve I guess

Old 05-25-2016, 11:59 PM
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Certain things you deserve I guess

So I'm on day 21 right now. I met with my sponsor to do some more reading today as we go through the steps. He has been giving me some great advice and I'm already starting/trying to put what I'm learning from reading so far into my everyday life. I so desperately want to remain sober. I really don't think I have another bender in me. I really don't. With whats hanging over my head legally I don't have anymore chances since my lawyer "saved my bacon" last time out according to the judge.

Anyhow I was talking to my wife earlier tonight. I don't expect her to be happy with me with everything that has gone down and what I've put her through over the years. See this is where I get discouraged as she made comments about the kids growing up with an alcoholic in the home and chances are they themselves will be screwed up and need therapy when their older. During my drinking and dry drunk days I made some really bad decisions and we've discussed them, but moving on from them who knows. She mentioned to me that when she was looking for places to move out into during my last bender she said she told our 12 yr old that I wasn't coming and he said "oh I'm fine with that". Really hurts all of that but it's on me and I know it. So I have to swallow my medicine.

I dont even know what to say in response. I'm just really bummed out but I made the bed I'm currently lying in so what else should I expect right?
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Old 05-26-2016, 12:32 AM
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Don't give up hope! You did put them through a lot, by your own admission. You've taken the huge first step in repairing the relationships with them by quitting, that's really major. But forgiveness will have to come on their schedule, not yours. All you can do is prove you've changed every day by staying sober.
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Old 05-26-2016, 01:00 AM
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You really have to be prepared for the long haul I think?

I put people I loved through a lot - I really didn't mean to, but the fact remains I kept making decisions that put them last behind alcohol and drugs.

I did that for a lot of years - unfortunately that's not something you get sorted out in 3 weeks.

I'm not saying beat yourself up - you're sober now and trying to move forward and that's great - but do accept the facts and try and put yourself in their shoes as best you can and try to understand?

I did get things sorted tho - with the majority of people, so I'm sure you will too getitright.

Have faith - and a little patience

D
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Old 05-26-2016, 03:22 AM
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Easier said than done but try not to wallow in what's happened. It's not helpful in sobriety. Remembering our past mistakes is important so as not to repeat them. Sitting and thinking about them and being upset isn't helpful in staying sober.

The best that you can do about the situation is to stay on the good path. Remind yourself daily about the good work that you're doing right now. It takes some time for people to trust but there will come a day. It makes all the hard work worth it.
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Old 05-26-2016, 03:49 AM
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getright, if it's one thing that moves me to post on this forum, it's this sort of thread.

I'm the child of an alcoholic and an alcoholic myself.

My dad didn't sober up until I was a grown woman and we had stopped talking by then. He reached out and we mended things. It sure took a lot of effort, but well, we worked it out. He sobered up and stayed sober - which was crucial, otherwise we wouldn't have worked it out.

Here's the thing. He was always my dad and I always loved him. I spent my entire childhood praying for him to stop drinking. If he had stopped drinking anywhere along the way I was growing up, it would have given me back my dad a lot earlier and saved one family a lot of pain.

Every day you stay sober is a day closer to getting your family back.
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Old 05-26-2016, 04:55 AM
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Keep doing the next right thing, getright15. There's a lot of power in living amends. Give your family some time to get to know the real you in recovery from your addiction.

Congrats on day 21! Three weeks is amazing and very inspiring.
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Old 05-26-2016, 05:48 AM
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i still get amazed hearing people at meetings who drank away their family-lost all respect and trust - get sober, work the program, change themselves, and get their family back and better than ever.

p.s.
throw out the arse kikin machine. yer notta bad man gettin good.
yer a sick man gettin weller.
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Old 05-26-2016, 06:17 AM
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Its hard realizing, and truly internalizing and processing, the damage we can do to those we love. Its really hard. And hard to realize that, when actively using, we are pretty much people that one should run from, not walk.

You're in very early abstinence. Its going to take time. Just keep doing the right thing and work on forgiving (not excusing) yourself. Your kids will see the effort you are putting in and in time will find their way back to you. But trust me, if you relapse, all that effort will be lost and they will be right back to completely distrusting you.

I'm an alcoholic and the child of one. One that was drunk every night for my entire life. He never admitted his problem, we weren't allowed to talk about it, and he never tried to get better. It would have meant the world to me if he had just tried. And after everything, I do still love him (although that is combined with a lot of pity). Your kids love you. You can do this!
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Old 05-26-2016, 07:24 AM
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I'm not sure "I deserve it" is quite accurate or fair.

It IS the case that when we harm those we love with our alcoholic and addicted actions, it will leave a lasting mark.

It IS the case that we must own the damage we've done and accept it as fact.

It IS the case that we must to our best to make amends in the ways we can, for our own healing and theirs.

It IS the case that we must be patient and be prepared to accept that those we love may take between 'a while' and 'a very long time' to let go and forgive.

It is NOT the case that we must beat ourselves up over it.

It is NOT the case that we must hold shame about it.

It is NOT the case that we need to let it drag us down.


We must simply do our best, every day, to deepen our sobriety and show those we love that we are serious about being the best we can - for ourselves and for them. We must show them understanding and be patient with them as they heal - just as we are trying to heal ourselves.

In time, that approach will lead to better days for all.
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Old 05-26-2016, 01:17 PM
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A lot of good feedback so far.

I get it.

This isn't the first time you've brought this up. In my experience we work on developing patience and perseverance. We seek to understand rather than to be understood. When and if we are forgiven and/or people let us back into their lives again we do better to accept this with gratitude rather than a sense of entitlement.

It's been my experience that this takes time. So does the process of forgiving ourselves. I'm still working on that one. I will tell you that the more time between now and the last time you hurt someone, the more you are able to forgive yourself for your past. Likewise, the more I am restored to a person of integrity and substance, the easier it is to make peace with my past.

Stay clean and engage in recovery and you have a good shot of repairing relationships in your life. Go back to using and they will assuredly get worse.

Put the bat down. You're moving in the right direction. Keep at it even when it feels like nothing is happening (it feels like this a lot). Every once in a while the change will hit you and you'll suddenly ask "what happened?" in a good way.
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Old 05-26-2016, 01:29 PM
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I think that what you are describing is the hardest part of recovery. We are forced to stop and fully face what we chose to do to our family and how we hurt people. But, don't let it take you back to drinking. The best thing you can do is to stay sober and show your family that you are changing. Have faith that things will improve.
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Old 05-26-2016, 03:19 PM
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Put the bat down.
that's the ticket

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Old 05-26-2016, 04:39 PM
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I've followed your story getitright, and its just my opinion but remaining sober will simplify your life so much. As you know, active drinking is hard work and its like being in a hurricane...every day.
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Old 05-26-2016, 04:54 PM
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Originally Posted by MissPerfumado View Post
getright, if it's one thing that moves me to post on this forum, it's this sort of thread.

I'm the child of an alcoholic and an alcoholic myself.

My dad didn't sober up until I was a grown woman and we had stopped talking by then. He reached out and we mended things. It sure took a lot of effort, but well, we worked it out. He sobered up and stayed sober - which was crucial, otherwise we wouldn't have worked it out.

Here's the thing. He was always my dad and I always loved him. I spent my entire childhood praying for him to stop drinking. If he had stopped drinking anywhere along the way I was growing up, it would have given me back my dad a lot earlier and saved one family a lot of pain.

Every day you stay sober is a day closer to getting your family back.
Thank you. My daughter is still a child. Being sober has given me back to her. This really moved me.
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Old 05-26-2016, 08:15 PM
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It's not a matter of deserving something; it's about there always being consequences for our behavior. How many times do active alcoholics become enraged at how other people "mistreat" us? Yet we're okay with abusing other people's trust, and trampling over their good will.

If someone lied to me, sneaked around and hid her drinking, kept secrets from me, was rarely there for me when I needed her, and neglected my needs and desires, I doubt I'd sit idly by and hope for the best, even as she attempted to make amends.

The first thing we lose and the last thing we get back -- if ever -- is trust. We can't summon it back or hold it to our schedule. Invoking all the good things I've done while sober will only feed longstanding resentments, and demanding that people change because we're in the process of healing is counterproductive and self-defeating.

When I was drinking I was, at the very least, an habitual liar. I could not be trusted, I wore out all the good will that I was freely and generously given (and then some), and I provoked anger, fear and, ultimately, indifference within those who cared about me most. Our poor and hurtful habits don't melt away as a result of putting down the drink. There is much work to be done in a world in which we engendered impatience, and sometimes rage, about our behavior. In order to set things right, I could only do what I could do. Focusing on how other people responded to me was beside the point, and would have done nothing to help me to grow and to heal. To do so would only have been another version of selfishness on my part.

I couldn't bribe people with my changed behavior to accept me and to trust me again. People didn't choose to turn away from me or turn me out for no reason. And they generally put up with a great deal more than most people would have in similar circumstances. It was entirely up to me to be accountable for my behaviors, regardless of the fact that I was drinking when I was hurtful and neglectful.

My perspective is that there are no rewards or punishments in life; only consequences. My actions, my consequences.
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Old 05-26-2016, 08:54 PM
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I always get a lot out of these type threads. I often find myself resentful and hurt by others' actions, and I always fail to consider my role in the situation. In my situation, no one will fess up and admit I've caused any harm. All I get is passive-aggressiveness. I'd much rather someone yell at me and tell me I'm a horrible person.

As alcoholics, we're left picking up the pieces of our lives and repairing the damage done to others. Sometimes it may be something you weren't aware of in our notoriously self-centered fashion. It cuts like a knife. Best thing we can do today in response is stay sober.
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Old 05-27-2016, 05:01 AM
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Few things are more powerful than stories of epic change, and redemption!

What you "deserve" is to give yourself a shot to change the narrative.

Great stuff on 21 days!
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Old 05-27-2016, 03:01 PM
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how you doing today GIR?
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Old 05-27-2016, 03:53 PM
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Early days, your wife is probably having her own resentments of past behaviour, however I really do feel that if you stay sober, do the steps and work hard at your recovery then she will see the difference in you. The steps will help you work through all this and give you the chance to make amends. You are doing really well on 21 days sober, keep going, it is SO worth it. X
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Old 05-28-2016, 02:14 PM
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I'm doing alright. Well not really but it is what it is.

Originally Posted by thomas11 View Post
how you doing today GIR?
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