skywalker91

What should be my next step?

Hey guys. I am in a tough situation right now. I relapsed again. It is truly becoming a vicious cycle. There is one treatment program that truly helped me out is in California and is way too expensive for my family. Second, I just visited my relative in India for a week and had a great time. A few days later I am injecting meth into my body and having unprotected sex during a full on downwards spiral. I have been home at my parents. I start a summer session next week for an intense science course. I have been through rehab, sober living, and AA meetings. I have never fully committed to the program of AA or NA (except when I was in a very structured sober living in CA) …I really don’t know what to do anymore. At my parent’s house my brother lives here as well and he is a cocaine dealer. We don’t talk or have a friendship of any kind but I felt that it is important to mention this as there is a ton of resentment here. I was doing great prior to this relapse (one month into sobriety, babysitting, spending time with cousins) I don’t understand why I had such intense cravings out of nowhere on Friday morning. I don’t know how I can go through yet another rehab or another program. Am I just not getting something? I don’t understand how many relapses I need to realize that this just is not the way. I keep having this abnormal theory that using will lead me to becoming like a Hollywood actor or a famous porn star (one of my sister’s ex best friend was or is an escort and doing great financially so I always thought maybe it can work for me too). I know how crazy that sounds but that’s how my disease makes me think while using it is twisted…I am turning 25 in a month. I seriously don’t know what to do next you guys. I did therapy but was not consistent. A majority of my family members are doctors/lawyers/teachers ( I did great in college too and love education but this addiction takes it all away so quickly) I feel like a loser because of this disease it is terrible! My mom is saying to ignore what happened and move on and focus on my summer class as it will keep me very busy. I haven’t told my sisters because they have just given birth to newborns and have done so much to help me already…I don’t want to hurt them. I am starting to feel very hopeless. This has been going on since I was 21 years old on/off. I managed to complete college but now I am being held back by addiction. Is it my hometown and all the associations of my traumatic childhood? I have tried leaving NY and starting over somewhere new but then came back to NY again because of how hard it was to start over on my own without family….I really need help and need you guys. I have been so weak since the relapse as well…afraid to leave my house and see a doctor. Afraid of all the judgement. I am still so excited for school starting is that wrong? Will I be able to handle the course is it a good decision to go ahead and take the class? So much is going on in my head you guys. I will appreciate the input….I am being rigorously honest here and it is scary

FreeOwl

It's scary to be honest because it reveals that you already know the answers to your own questions.

It's scary because you realize the precipice you're on.

It's scary because though you know you need help - you also know that you cannot be helped until and unless you decide to help yourself.

The net summary of your words is "I am increasingly miserable, despairing, afraid - but so far I'm unwilling to truly commit to change".

The net summary of what you do next is "Truly commit to sobriety and then follow that commitment up with action. Set aside EVERYTHING but getting yourself sober and making the changes in your life to support a long-term sober life."

Anything short of that is a continuation of the same downward spiral. If you're to the point of shooting meth and fantasizing about being a porn star as the answer - my suggestion is that you need help, changes, and full-on commitment.

Or - you can continue to ride this out until it gets so bad that there is really no choice...... and hopefully you don't die along the way.

ScottFromWI

Maybe that should be your next step?

Coldfusion

Meetings are what did it for me. I go to AA meetings, but use NA literature because it is more up-to-date.

I shared in yesterday's meeting that I felt the main thing needed for recovery was rigorous honesty. This means not lying to yourself that it is okay to drink or drug.

skywalker91

I don't know if going to meetings alone will be enough for me right now..I think I need a lot of structure and support..I don't even trust myself going on the subway to get to meetings

FreeOwl

If I were in your place, going to meetings wouldn't be enough.

I've never found myself in quite the same set of circumstances, but I've been pretty deep into various substances and mental states.... going to meetings wouldn't have pulled me out of it.

Multiple arrests, divorces, loss of freedoms, loss of ridiculous sums of money, then finally the threat of losing my children and the very real possibility of prison finally shook ME into making the choice and taking the combination of actions I needed to embrace sobriety.

I hope it doesn't come to that or worse for you.

Soberwolf

I think you should finally accept that this is what happens if you drink or use Skywalker it will be like this everytime in the downward spiral you mentioned I know that as I can relate before I got sober I was similar

Skywalker invest in a recovery programme stick to a plan and just accept the hard facts the truth sets us free brother

ScottFromWI

You have to start somewhere. Meetings and getting a sponsor and working steps could provide a lot of structure and you could get rides there or be taken by your parents.

In this post and your original post you list a lot of reasons why various things wont work - you need to start finding things that will work.

How about writing a list of the things you could do today. Actually get out a piece of paper and write them down and see what you can come up with. You are already here seeking help on this forum so you can write that down.

The real bottom line is that rehab, detox, counseling, meetings, etc.....all of those CAN work but you have to DO the work to make it happen. There is no magic rehab you can go to or pill that you can take that will simply tranform you into a sober person. That's your job - the aforementioned programs simply teach you how to do it. You know how to be sober and you've done it in the past, but I think you clearly stated yourself that the problem is usually that you simply don't follow through.

Maybe coming here for some daily accountability coupled with some meetings might get you closer, maybe you need to go back through a rehab of some kind? But the key is you have to take the daily effort to do it.

skywalker91

Okay I contacted an AA buddy of mine & I will also research rehabs/structured programs thanks you guys

fighting the depression, pain, hopelessness with action

Whatever I decide I have to follow through with it this time..I keep doing things halfway or when I start feeling better I stop the therapy etc.

FreeOwl

one thing that helped me commit and stick to it was owning up to those close to me.

I had to be forced to it, by circumstances I brought on myself. But, regardless the incentive, the outcome was that my Mom, my fiancee, my Dad, a few of my closest friends - all were IN on the fact that I needed and wanted to embrace sobriety. I took ACTION - in telling them. In making a conscious choice. In hitting AA meetings daily (BTW - which one can you go to, TODAY??? Research is good, action is better).

From what you've related to us, I think that you need both strategic and tactical commitment. Tell your family and a couple important close friends. Don't let them dissuade you or suggest you need to 'just focus on school' or other distractions. Tell them YOU NEED TO GET HELP, and you've decided that before you ride your life out of control, you have made the choice to reset your path, embrace sobriety and be the best version of you that you can be. Tell them that means having friends and family aware and influencing you to stay accountable. Get to a meeting today. Maybe two. Tell them at the meeting and in person with your family that you will be checking into rehab. Tell them everything else in life is on hold - because to continue life in this way is to continue throwing life AWAY.

Get serious. Get honest. Get ON IT.

entropy1964

I have never been a meth addict but I have seen others in detox coming off it. As i understand it, there isn't a huge physical component to the addiction, but the psychological addiction and obsession is huge. I just say this because I have sympathy for where you are.

In your post you have basically said that you haven't committed to counseling or 12 step. I would say that that is the crux of your challenge. Use those resources and commit. Or keep relapsing. Only you can choose.

It sounds like your family is the source of love and hate, in equal measure. If that is accurate I completely relate. I would make a plan to become emotionally and financially independent of them....codependency is huge in dysfunctional families and its hard to break your role in that drama if you don't break away. But of course getting clean is step, and priority, 1.

Immerse yourself in your program and your class. Between the two you should be quite busy. Accept that if you choose to use you will be flushing your life down the drain.

Good luck and keep posting.

Anna

I think that committing yourself completely to not drinking would be the best first step you could take.

skywalker91

Thanks soberwolf we've been in contact since day one on this site I appreciate you never giving up on me..I really hope whatever I do next is truly the end of this train wreck.

skywalker91

Okay guys. A friend of mine that is now sober for 6 years and in AA and has completely turned his life around recommended this place called Anchor House. It is a 12-month faith based program in Brooklyn. I read a few good reviews online. However, there were some flags. For example, some of the guys are state mandated. Which makes me feel like there will be a gap between me and the other guys there. I was told to bring two locks. One for my room and one for the gym. I asked why? The intake counselor said because at the end of the day this is a place for addicts. Some guys will be sincere and some will only be here because they have nowhere else to go. He said at the end of the day it is up to “Skywalker” to make the most of my stay there”. Moreover, some of the guys have legal records which I have never received. (but then again using drugs is illegal. I just haven’t got caught yet due to God’s protection) Do you guys think this is what I should do? I mean I could stay here at my parents where at least I get to eat what I spend time with my sisters and attend AA and then integrate into school and work and this can lead me to sobriety (but I have tried this route before) ... OR I can give this program a try and maybe create an entire new life and never have another relapse again? I have been to programs before so I am apprehensive. Another one of my AA buddies said he can’t really tell me to go or not because that’s something I need to ask my higher power. I know ultimately it will be up to me to be sober no matter where I go however I NEED help and guidance. I need people around me that also have this disease and are trying to get better. I know that AA has great people but I know myself and I know I don’t have the motivation or self-accountability to get myself to a meeting everyday yet…I think the structure at Anchor house might be the best fit right now. I am scared you guys what if this is me running away in some form people have told me that rehab is only temporary and you have to ultimately learn how to be sober in the real world and get to meetings…But this is more than a rehab its 9 months to one year so I am assuming its def. worth it but it has 50 beds all men…government funded. My parents have spoiled me my whole life and I will miss my mom’s cooking I will be completely out of my comfort zone what if I am the only gay guy there? what if I am treated differently? I told my AA buddy and he said don't even worry about your sexuality because you are definitely not the first gay guy that is going to rehab…I am being completely honest as to what is causing my reservations…

Dee74

I have no experience with sober living houses or AA but you mentioned it was a fauith based programme so... I'd pray.

Pray on it - I really hope you make whatever is the right decision for you Skywalker - you deserve recovery

FreeOwl

get out of your head and into your heart.

go to bed tonight and simply say "Please, help me"

let your thoughts sit to the side for a while and allow your intuition, your spirit, your God if you're so inclined - speak to you.

if you quiet your thoughts - you will find that you already "KNOW" your answer.

skywalker91

Thank You FreeOwl that is what I will do tonight...while using I tend to be so disconnected from Him and of course engage in such God-awful thoughts that I think God hates me or will not forgive especially after countless relapses..but that might be my disease doing its job...I will ask for forgiveness and pray on it tonight.

IvanMike

You answered your own question.

In my experience the program of NA (and AA) only works if you actually do it. It's not magical. I just got to watch two people celebrate a year and one celebrate 18 months tonight at an NA meeting. To say the transformations have been dramatic would be an understatement. They committed to the process, and they struggled quite a bit.

We bury people who straddle the fence on a regular basis. Addiction takes prisoners too - there are many others I watch come in and out who want an instant and magical fix and won't commit to what the program actually is. They have the same lifeless look in their eyes that I did once. Or, you could be like a friend of mine who just wouldn't take this seriously. His last run didn't kill him, but he seems to have enough brain damage that he's never going to be the same person.

My experience? If you want to recover, go to meetings, seek out the guys with time that scare you because they seem so together and so comfortable in their own skin, ask for their help, and do everything they say.

The NA basic text puts it this way - "we do not have to understand this program in order for it to work. All we need to do is to follow direction."

If you are ready, there is help and you can recover. If you're not ready, no one can help you. The choice is yours.

Dee74

I was always taught Gods love and forgiveness were boundless Skywalker

D

Soberandhealthy

AA scare me i heard bad stories about people on the program. lets faced addicts are not known for being trust worthy and AA accept everyone. i need recovery myself and im weigthing on going back to AA. the thing is im pretty mess up and i can only get some sort of a life if i stop driking. i want many things and none will be possible if i continue driking. im thinking maybe you should stay home and start going to AA but again i do know how difficult it is to quit. in the past the only time i quit it was for 72 days and it was because of this old guy who was my sponsor. i fell off the wagon shortly after my 72 days of sobriety. i wish i could give you i good advice i wish someone can give me a good advice im pretty lost myself so just take your own counsel with GOD and best of luck.