Ex-husband won't forgive, 3 years sober
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Hawthorne, Ca
Posts: 1
Ex-husband won't forgive, 3 years sober
I've been sober 3 years straight. Not one drop of alcohol. I chose sobriety and will never go back to that hell Alcholism sucked me into. Though my life has drastically changed in the most incredible ways, there is one lingering problem that won't fade from my days of being an alcoholic...my ex-husband, now boyfriend can't forgive me.
My ex-husband divorced me 3 months after I became sober. Though we divorced, we never broke up. Fast forward 3 years, life is truly amazing and our relationship seems to improve. With a few exceptions;. he will not remarry me, he lashes out in anger over small things, he has recently became distant and violant, both verbally and physically. The smallest things will set him off into outrage, mostly verbal abuse.
The other day he trapped me in the bathroom and would not let me out. I stayed calm not to escalate his temper. I made several attempts to get away from him. This angered him even further & he then spit in my face. He was not like this before I became an alcoholic.
He says he loves me, but his actions and words say a different tune. I need an outsiders view to help me decide whether or not it's time to move on.
After years of torturing and blaming myself, I have finally forgiven myself for the pain i caused & damage done when I drank.. maybe my ex-husband / boyfriend cant let the past go? I am at a cross roads as my life has improved tenfold. I never thought life could be this incredible while being sober. The only thing I cannot understand is whether or not it's time to walk away from my relationship. Your thoughts are appreciated.
My ex-husband divorced me 3 months after I became sober. Though we divorced, we never broke up. Fast forward 3 years, life is truly amazing and our relationship seems to improve. With a few exceptions;. he will not remarry me, he lashes out in anger over small things, he has recently became distant and violant, both verbally and physically. The smallest things will set him off into outrage, mostly verbal abuse.
The other day he trapped me in the bathroom and would not let me out. I stayed calm not to escalate his temper. I made several attempts to get away from him. This angered him even further & he then spit in my face. He was not like this before I became an alcoholic.
He says he loves me, but his actions and words say a different tune. I need an outsiders view to help me decide whether or not it's time to move on.
After years of torturing and blaming myself, I have finally forgiven myself for the pain i caused & damage done when I drank.. maybe my ex-husband / boyfriend cant let the past go? I am at a cross roads as my life has improved tenfold. I never thought life could be this incredible while being sober. The only thing I cannot understand is whether or not it's time to walk away from my relationship. Your thoughts are appreciated.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome SelfWorth.
It sounds to me like your Ex Husband has some pretty serious issue of his own to deal with. Verbal and physical violence is 100% unacceptable and I'd recommend you contact the proper authorities locally or a shelter organization that can help you. His behavior is utterly unacceptable and illegal.
It sounds to me like your Ex Husband has some pretty serious issue of his own to deal with. Verbal and physical violence is 100% unacceptable and I'd recommend you contact the proper authorities locally or a shelter organization that can help you. His behavior is utterly unacceptable and illegal.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I think it's time to look at your relationship from a different perspective after three years. That is a long clean time, congratulations to you.
It sounds like, for whatever reason, he is suffering with rage. It's up to him to decide what is causing it, and what to do about it. It's time he recognize he has issues to change for himself.
In the mean time, you don't ever deserve to be treated in that manner. Abuse under any circumstance, by either party, is NOT acceptable.
It sounds like, for whatever reason, he is suffering with rage. It's up to him to decide what is causing it, and what to do about it. It's time he recognize he has issues to change for himself.
In the mean time, you don't ever deserve to be treated in that manner. Abuse under any circumstance, by either party, is NOT acceptable.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
I'm sorry for your situation. Your husband trapped you in the bathroom and spat on you. That is horrible. You said he is verbally and physically abusive. My advice would be to get to a safe place. Please make use of these resources and take care of yourself:
National Domestic Abuse Hotline (US)
The National Domestic Violence Hotline | Abuse Defined
The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support (US)
International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies
Canada: Home « HotPeachPages International
Canada: domestic violence information « HotPeachPages International
UK: call Women’s Aid at 0808 2000 247.
Australia: call 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732.
Worldwide: visit International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies for a global list of helplines and crisis centers
National Domestic Abuse Hotline (US)
The National Domestic Violence Hotline | Abuse Defined
The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support (US)
International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies
Canada: Home « HotPeachPages International
Canada: domestic violence information « HotPeachPages International
UK: call Women’s Aid at 0808 2000 247.
Australia: call 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732.
Worldwide: visit International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies for a global list of helplines and crisis centers
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 94
Kudos to you SelfWorth on three years of sobriety!
You said your relationship w/ your Ex has improved except for the anger, rage, bad temper, verbal abuse & face-spitting. Doesn't sound like rainbows and unicorns to me. I think you fully know if it's time to walk away.
You said your relationship w/ your Ex has improved except for the anger, rage, bad temper, verbal abuse & face-spitting. Doesn't sound like rainbows and unicorns to me. I think you fully know if it's time to walk away.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,036
Welcome to SR! Congratulations on three years of sobriety, that is fantastic.
You deserve to be treated with kindness and love, physical and verbal abuse are never okay. Is there somewhere you can stay while you work out next steps?
You deserve to be treated with kindness and love, physical and verbal abuse are never okay. Is there somewhere you can stay while you work out next steps?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
It's possible that what you're experiencing now was present while you were drinking too. You may not remember or have noticed as much during the addiction period. I highly doubt someone would develop these behaviors as a result of your sobriety. It's likely always been there.
One thing I've found is that abusers hate to see us sober up and take back control. The shame and guilt of being in active addiction makes a lot of us compliant and keeps us right where the abusers want us, trapped and powerless. Even if they don't realize what they're doing, seriously, there is NEVER an excuse for abuse like that.
I hope you find the strength inside to celebrate all of your sobriety with true freedom. The only person you have control over is yourself.
Please stay safe, get some support and do not put up with this. You deserve so much better!!
and awesome job on 3 years. 
please, put yourself first in this. Your life depends on it.
One thing I've found is that abusers hate to see us sober up and take back control. The shame and guilt of being in active addiction makes a lot of us compliant and keeps us right where the abusers want us, trapped and powerless. Even if they don't realize what they're doing, seriously, there is NEVER an excuse for abuse like that.
I hope you find the strength inside to celebrate all of your sobriety with true freedom. The only person you have control over is yourself.
Please stay safe, get some support and do not put up with this. You deserve so much better!!
and awesome job on 3 years. please, put yourself first in this. Your life depends on it.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,760
Welcome to the family. I think you know it's time to leave the relationship as abuse is never ok. I hope for your sake you can get to a safe place.
And congrats on three years sober!
I think you know it's time to leave the relationship as abuse is never ok. I hope for your sake you can get to a safe place. And congrats on three years sober!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 1,730
Welcome to SR, SelfWorth. I am glad you are here with us.
If a friend of yours presented you with the facts that you presented to us, I bet I know what advice you would give to that friend. I think you should follow that advice yourself.
I hope you will keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
If a friend of yours presented you with the facts that you presented to us, I bet I know what advice you would give to that friend. I think you should follow that advice yourself.
I hope you will keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by SelfWorth 
.... he lashes out in anger over small things, he has recently became distant and violant, both verbally and physically. The smallest things will set him off into outrage, mostly verbal abuse.
The other day he trapped me in the bathroom and would not let me out. I stayed calm not to escalate his temper. I made several attempts to get away from him. This angered him even further & he then spit in my face.
The other day he trapped me in the bathroom and would not let me out. I stayed calm not to escalate his temper. I made several attempts to get away from him. This angered him even further & he then spit in my face.
These things do not happen in healthy, positive relationships.
These things are indicators of an unhealthy relationship dynamic and potentially an unhealthy and possibly dangerous mind and personality.
Reading between the lines of your post, I would like to gently suggest the possibility that while you've not touched alcohol in 3 years, you still may have work to do in truly embracing sobriety.
When one is grown into sobriety, trusting in one's self, confident in one's value and believes in oneself.... one does not tolerate being treated this way.
You're worthy of love, respect, empathy....
You're worthy of understanding...
You're worthy of mature, effective communication....
You're worthy of more.
(keep on track!! you're doing great!!)
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