thomas11

The last time I got drunk, it was because my mother had infuriated me. We have a small family and I believe my mother is mentally ill and mean, of course she is the last one to think so.

Long story short, the relationship has deteriorated badly over the last year. The last straw was July 4th this last year, she (mildly) assaulted my wife. We have rarely spoken since. Last night my father calls and I hear her in the background say "let me talk to him", so he hands the phone to her. It was my nephews birthday two nights ago. I had run into my brother at the hardware store earlier in the day and he said there was only a 20 minute party because they had sports and to not bother coming over.

My mother proceeds to grill me about why I wasn't there. I told her why and she responds by saying "well that's not what your brother told me, he said you forgot because you were drunk and he saw you at the liquor store".

Now, she has made no effort to be involved in my life and I have made no effort to make her be involved. So she has no idea how I've changed in the last year. I can't believe she stooped so low as to try and pit my brother and I against one another. I knew my brother didn't say that, and yet she spouted off. She's ill, and I used to get furious, now I get sad.

She called late last night because she thought she'd catch me drunk, unfortunately for her, she was the one who was drunk and really ****** up. Such a sad situation.

There is even a bit more to the story, but I'll spare everyone.

FLCamper

I'm sorry you have to endure that. But at least you know what you're dealing with. Can you screen her calls and limit the contact?

Dee74

I'm sorry for all that Jeff. The only thing you can do with family is keep contact to a minimum.

I have to pull you up on something tho (or rather your AV):
It was your inability to deal with that fury that led you to drink Jeff, not your mom.

She hasn't got that much power - and you always have a choice, man

D

thomas11

I could try FLCamper, but she calls from my Dad's cell phone. She knows I'll take his calls because we are like two peas in a pod.

thomas11

You are correct, and I'm glad you brought that (back) to my attention. I believe it is easy to forget at times. I certainly did. Yet I knew the truth.

I personally believe that Mom's and Dad's have a spell over us. If it were any other person on earth we'd respond appropriately. But because they are our parents, we give them a free pass.

Dee74

I don't necessarily think thats true for everyone tho Jeff.

My family no longer get free passes from me, especially when they try to take me down, for whatever reason.

D

soberaccountant

That's rough, especially coming from your own mom. Sometimes the people closest to us can inflict the most damage. I don't know if you pray or have any faith in a higher power such as God, but if I was in your shoes I would be praying for her. The last thing I would feel like doing, but I have come to believe that the power of prayer works.

Odelle

I agree Jeff, it is sick and sad. You know who you are and the amazing progress you are making in your life, it really doesn't matter what your mom says or thinks. I'm sure your father sees the changes in you, and your brother. It's a shame your mother is do deep in her illness, mental or physical, because the true heart of a mother knows no boundaries when it comes to loving her children. I think it is still true with your mom, but when disease takes over the mind, the true identity of the person is lost. Hugs to you!

sva777

I am going to have to agree with Jeff on this to a point. We definitely let family members get away with things that we normally wouldn't anyone else. Of course anyone family or not can eventually reach a point where we have had enough and cut them out. Everyone's circumstances are a little different but it is so difficult when family is the one hurting us because the ties can run so deep.

Dee74

Sure sva - I can't share your experience, I can only share mine

D

MythOfSisyphus

I'm sorry to hear about that, Jeff. Family is an important bond but I'm in the camp that says your first duty is to yourself. I don't mean you should be selfish so much as that you have to remember to make sure you value yourself as much you value others. In the same vein I think it's necessary to cut toxic people out of your life no matter who they are. I know that's hard- your mother brought you into the world so there's a debt of sorts. Yet you're not obligated to let someone tear you down.

Berrybean

I think that as well as not drinking, we all have things to learn in order to recover. One of the things I needed to learn is that no one (family but also some long term friends ) should get any free passes, and that only I have to power to change my expectations and reactions with regard to my relationships.

Delilah1

Sorry Jeff:-(

sva777

Really sums it up, ^. The most important thing is our sobriety and well being, everything else comes after that.

Hawkeye13

I took forty years to revoke the "free pass" my mother had (and abused).

Just wish I had done it much much sooner for both our sakes.

Think hard Jeff and choose wisely.
You're a good, empathetic, person and should be treated as such

entropy1964

As a mother I cannot imagine this type of behavior. I mean, parents are human and make mistakes...sometimes big ones. But this is the action of someone who is really hurting. You are smart to practice sympathy and compassion. Anger will only hurt you in the long run.

My Mom was a really bad Mom, but not a bad person. I always try to remember that.

thomas11

As usual, you guys have put forth some very thoughtful and meaningful responses to the post.

No one is going to derail my sobriety, except me, and I don't have that in the plans. I have worked pretty damn hard this last year to get right with the world in all aspects. And I owe much of it to the folks here at SR.

Regarding free passes, she may have just used her last one. Respect must be earned, not demanded.

My father does tell me constantly that she loves me more than anything, and that in private it breaks her heart we don't have a relationship. SHE....needs to work on that.

sugarbear1

My mother and I have had a rocky relationship. We just buried her last week.

I suggest you stay sober and work on your relationship because the feelings we have when our mother is gone are intense.

My mom and I repaired our relationship (not fully, but she and I were talking regularly again) and for that, I will be grateful. I won't get the time back to continue repairing things, and I am devastated at my own behavior and anger and feelings I've had about her Losing mom is difficult.

We really don't know what we have until it's gone, including our relationship (or lack of) with our parents.

You can repair your side of the relationship! Stay sober see what can be accomplished.

My mom passed on my 5-year sober anniversary, I think there's a message in this!

thomas11

So, the little dust up happened on Friday. My mother's entire accusation was pulled out of thin air. She made it up in hopes of either catching me or making me feel bad or whatever. (god knows what goes through her brain sometimes)

In all my years I have never heard my Mother apologize to anyone, for anything. Even last 4th of July when she grabbed my wife and told said f-you she has not apologized and said she never will.

She called me early Saturday morning and actually came clean. She said she was sorry and that my brother did not say those things about seeing me at the liquor store and that I missed the part because I was drunk, forgot or passed out. I accepted her apology and told her I knew he didn't say that because I saw him that morning and I knew she just made it up. She wanted to continue the conversation talking about what a nice day it was going to be and I told her I had to go.

Sorry if that was mean, but I've had it.