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Old 05-20-2016, 05:35 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Coming out of my sober closet


Good day to all! I'm starting day 5 today. Going into work later, and tonight my bf is supposed to come home tonight. I've been distant this week. He doesn't know I have made the decision to stop drinking and I joined AA. (2 meetings so far)

Here's the deal. I'm not getting sober to judge others' drinking. BUT for me personally, I feel he drinks a lot. If fact we enable one another. We get smashed together. I'm a binge drinker, not an every day drinker. I binge 1-2 times a week. He binges with me and drinks 3-5 times a week. If he has two beers, it's 9% ers. I'm not trying to make this thread about him, I just want you to understand where I'm coming from.

I'm not asking him to quit drinking, as I know he isn't ready like I am. I'm not sure what to say besides I'm done, I don't want it around me or in the house. I don't know if our relashionship is more than drinking together.

I think I just want to make this journey my own. Thoughts anyone? Financially it would be tough without him, but I really have a bigger chance of relapse with him.

Financial stability and make someone stop drinking around me, (or he would hide it) or just see where the path takes me without him?

Thanks for reading and I am thankful to wake up feeling %100!
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Old 05-20-2016, 05:48 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Are you afraid that having him around will trigger you and thwart your efforts? You have to do whatever necessary to protect you right now.

What do you think is going to happen if you have a discussion with him about it? That's the key. Either you're going to find out that drinking is more important to him than your relationship or you may find out that he feels the same way about his own. You'll never know if you don't talk about it.

Your post leads me to believe you already know the answer. It all depends on how invested you are in the relationship and if you think it can survive the absence of alcohol as a shared factor.

At the end of the day the #1 priority has to be your sobriety and recovery. I hope all goes well.
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Old 05-20-2016, 05:52 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Hey Razor, tough post to respond to, as a chronically single person, but I just wanted to offer support for whatever decision you come to that will be the most helpful in keeping you sober. I'm a firm believer in honesty between partners (easy to say when you don't have one!), and your thread title seems to indicate you're ready to have some dialogue with him about this.

So, not very good advice, but a lot of empathy and good wishes for you, and sincere congratulations on four days sober! Arp
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Old 05-20-2016, 07:29 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Congrats on day 5! That can be a turning point, feeling better etc. And an opportunity to forget how bad it was before. Be on the alert.

Well, to be truly successful not drinking it has to be about me, and my decision. I can get alcohol anywhere, almost any time of day. That being said, having a partner that is, well, your drinking buddy, is very tough. But it can be done. I guess one has to really detach from their drinking. Remember that the only one a person can control is themselves.

Good luck.
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Old 05-20-2016, 08:55 AM   #5 (permalink)
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My suggestion is when you are together this weekend, and you feel like "just one" will be ok, you come back and read your OP on this thread. This IS for YOU, and it is what you want. We all know how much you will regret it if you relapse this weekend. You'll be right back at day 1. And good job on 5 days. You should be feeling pretty good mentally and physically, no?
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Old 05-20-2016, 09:06 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Thank everyone . Luckily I work Fridays/Saturdays. Tomorrow I'm going to a meeting after work. I'll try tonight if I can. Sunday I made plans for lunch with non drinking friends. So I'm covered for now. Next weekend is 3 days off. But I'll cross that bridge when it comes.
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Old 05-20-2016, 09:22 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Congrats on Day 5
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Old 05-20-2016, 10:23 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Hi Razor, congrats on day 5! Your post shows a lot of thoughtful awareness of your situation.

I think you're wise to talk it over with him and see how he responds ... and wise to be protective of your recovery in the early days. Eventually it gets much easier to be around alcohol, but I wouldn't have wanted it in my face at the beginning. Asking for there not to be alcohol in the house seems reasonable - you're not telling him what to do with his own drinking, just creating a safe place for yourself to get started on recovery.
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Old 05-20-2016, 10:48 AM   #9 (permalink)
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My partner of 25 years still drinks heavily at weekends, and we always used to drink together. It took him a while to adjust to me being sober, but mostly it's fine now. I make sure I have a Friday and Sunday meeting to tide me over, and keep my sober friends close, and make sure I have plans that are not dependent on him.
If you really want to get sober you can do it regardless of whether he is drinking.
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Old 05-20-2016, 11:39 AM   #10 (permalink)
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If you want to be sober, you can do it and yes, you will be doing it for yourself. Early recovery is tough and my suggestion is to focus on your recovery. Perhaps your boyfriend will see the changes in you and wish to join you. Perhaps not. But, the main thing is you know you are doing the right thing. Good job on Day 5.
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Old 05-20-2016, 12:54 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I told him, and his response was "I won't drink around you. I don't need
To drink." Ummmmm he drinks more than me! I told him I appreciate it, but it's easier said than done. I'm just going to worry about me. I think he doesn't take
Me seriously. Trust me if I wanted to relapse he would be the person to buy my drink!

I don't think he fully understands what I'm asking/saying. I told him I don't want it in the house, he can't come home drunk (I have a 13 year old that knows I'm in recovery) and basically I don't know when he can drink. I know it isn't my problem, but I guess I worry.

In the past I said I'd drink but not in the house. Don't bring booze home.....that didn't last. If he is respectful, great. If not...bye.
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Old 05-20-2016, 03:14 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Well, there's nothing you can do about him anyway. The only way I managed those early months was by focusing on my own side of the street. I needed all my energy and focus for taking my own inventory. The days that I tried to take anyone else's were the days that my sobriety suffered (the quality of it I mean - thankfully I didn't relapse, but it would have been easy to on the back of any resentments I might have formed about other people's drinking).

Acceptance is key to this recovery business.

Wishing you all the best in your journey to sobriety and recovery.
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Old 05-20-2016, 03:35 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I don't know much but I know that sobriety has to be our #1 priority or we don't make it. I've battled with my wife for years to support me and asked her to not drink around me or at all so we could be sober together. To no avail. She says "I don't have a problem, you do." I finally said I needed to be safe and i'll leave if I have to in order to protect my sobriety. I don't know what else to do. I'm committed to doing whatever I have to, in order too remain sober. So far so good, she hasn't drank since I started this journey. I think that's called support. I need support. I think telling her drinking in front of our children was emotional abuse shook her up a bit. We all love our children. None of us wants to be "that parent" Best wishes. Let's fight for what we know is right in our hearts.
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Old 05-20-2016, 04:37 PM   #14 (permalink)
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It IS tricky when drinking is a huge part of the connection. Right now as I type this, my husband is on his first (maybe second?) beer. He will start to feel chatty in a bit in that initial euphoria, and I don't feel chatty, or particularly euphoric.

So yeah - tricky.

Not impossible though, and I won't drink just because he is drinking. Ultimately it's always one's very personal choice to drink or not to drink and this is a thing which sounds really basic, but to truly realize this means you are then responsible to shoulder 100% of the work necessary to remain sober.
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Old 05-20-2016, 04:38 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Thanks for the support everyone. You're right, I can't focus on what he's going to do. I know he's not fully understanding what it is to truly be sober. Hell, I'm learning to understand it! I'm trying to make it to a meeting, or go for a run. It's Friday and I'm sober. You guys rock! So grateful for your advice. Thank you.
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