Behappy1

So I have about 60 non consecutive days away from alcohol. I feel better, look better, think better and am starting to like my life as a sober person.
I have been reading devotionals every day, attend online bible studies, read here, have a counselor that I speak with.

Yesterday I was in town. Ran all kinds of errands, went to the grocery walked right past the alcohol that I normally buy three times in 3 different stores. I was fine - felt fine. On the way home I ran through a drive through to get a bottle of water. Out of nowhere I buy a bottle of vodka. This was not planned (as it normally would have been). I bought it. Drove 40 minutes home, opened it and drank it all within about 4 hours.

Today of course I am sick as a dog, disgusted, ashamed, feel very weak willed.

This has happened 3 times in the last 60+ days. All three times were not premeditated at all. It's as if once I had the bottle in hand all reason went out the window and tunnel vision was all that I saw. I am/was so proud of myself. A year ago I wouldn't have went more than 3 days without drinking. I obviously am at day 1 (although I hate saying that) AGAIN. What is different this time is that I am getting right back on the horse. Not staying down for days or weeks.

What do you all do for those spur of the moment unstoppable (or seemingly unstoppable) triggers. I know I had 40 minutes on the way home to talk myself out of it, to dump it - something. But I did not. I even played the tape all the way through. My answer was "just one more time". "It will be fine." Well it wasn't.

Dee74

Those auto pilot moments seem like there's nothing we can do to stop them...but the truth is there's a million little moments between seeing the bottle, picking it up, paying for it, getting in the car, driving home, getting out of the car going into the house, putting the bottle on the table, opening it and drinking.

The spell for me was usually broken when I broke the bottle seal. It's really important that when you have that moment when you realise you still have a choice that you use that choice wisely - call for help.



Have a recovery plan ready for these times - have a list of people to call or things to do to get help

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

will it be easy? no way - but it is possible - and I think those are the lengths we need to go to if we want to stay sober

D

least

If you drank, you must have wanted to drink more than you wanted to stay sober. When you want to stay sober more than you want to drink, then you'll be able to stay sober. Not easy, but simple.

Mountainmanbob

For one I have learned not to entertain the thought of drinking.
I can very quickly talk myself into drinking.
If those thoughts come to mind -- I flee.
As we remember touching the hot stove -- for the 10th time.
Play out the tape -- yes -- I got burned.
MB

BixBees505

Autopilot. Feels true, is false. Dealing with this myself. Success to you, BeHappy1.

doggonecarl

Slips - How to stop them

Relapses are not part of recovery, they are part of the addiction. Perhaps it would help to not use language to dance around what happened. Three relapses. Three day ones. A bottle of vodka a slip? That is saying it nicely. Well, it's not the slip that hurts, it's when you hit the ground.

You may be drinking spur of the moment, but it's not unconscious drinking. It's just that once you decide to drink, think react as if there is no deterrent.

But there is, and it's you.

Behappy1

Doggone Carl - you are right. What does not make sense is that it was not planned. I walked by it and turned it down three times yesterday. It was as if I pulled through the drive thru (a place where I use to buy vodka) and in the snap of a finger, the decision was made.

I will be ok for about 10-15 days and this trauma, disgust, shame will all be a faded memory. Then "just one more time". I want to figure out how to stop this spur of the moment crap. At least if I had it planned, I could talk myself out of going to buy it. I know this is shameful, but I need to get this to click in my brain.

Dee74

You need to include something in your recovery plan about this because not every relapse will pre-announce itself, especially when you're unsure what you're looking for with a looming relapse....you may find yourself suddenly being offered a drink for example.

It's absolutely untrue that we can't do anything about things that 'just happen'.

2ndhandrose

I have prepared my answer ahead of time. And my answer is "never again, not once, not ever, it will never be fine again, full stop, the end."

I remind myself of my answer every day because it is just too important to forget.

I hope you give some thought to why your answer is what it is?

(((Behappy)))

BixBees505

It's that "just one more time" thinking. Not "just one more drink", but one more TIME of getting blotto. That decision to be sober, we just take that decision "offline". I recognize that clearly, probably a lot of us do. There is something SO seductive about the feeling, we long to slip under that familiar happy comfort. Could you have a better description of addiction? That we'd pick that knowing full well the price to pay?

In any one of "a million little moments" we can put the decision not to drink back "online".

Maybe three times is enough to convince you? I am a slow learner, but I think I'm conquering this. I think I really am. We'll see.

BBQBOY

Hi Behappy, I was also a "auto-pilot" drinker......all the sudden I would have a bottle in my hand. I couldn't believe I put myself back in that situation AGAIN!. I had to be more proactive in my approach. I tried Naltrexone & Campral...neither worked. I decided to put myself on Antabuse after years and years of resisting others suggestions. Well I have been on it for 4 months and I can honestly say it is working wonders for me. I don't have any urges or cravings...My AV (addictive voice) has been quieted.....and I feel more free in my own skin. I use the antabuse with my other non-med support program. Maybe this is an idea for you, talk with your GP if you would like to give it a shot. Best wishes

Anna

I understand you saying 'it just happened' because I used to say the same thing. It wasn't true though. In the back of my mind, thoughts of alcohol lurked. I finally had to accept that alcohol was no longer an option, ever. Once I did that, my mind began to work in more healthy ways.

Behappy1

This is very true. I have been living day to day in my thought process. I've never really said never again. Ever. I suppose that option has been left on the table and I've not taken it off fully.

I think my mentality has been I cannot drink right now.

fini

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/4556997-post10.html

this is a post that might be useful to you.

charliesworld

BeHappy - I haven't got any advice other than what people have said before but I just wanted you to know the exact same thing happened to me my last binge. My binges are infrequent these days - maybe 4 times a year - too many I know but much better than where I was. I had one over Christmas but that time I could feel it coming and lost the will to fight it and gave in. The last one happened about 2 months ago. It was a normal saturday, I was fully expecting all the family to be in and we'd sit and watch normal saturday night TV like we do every week and then go to bed. Then my partner got a phone call asking him out for a drink. Within half an hour he'd gone, I'd been to the shop to buy vodka and had had my first drink. Once I'd had one there was no stopping although I waited until the kids were in bed before I went mad. I drank again the next night after sleeping all day then thankfully that was it (my binges have lasted 4/5 days in the past). As soon as my brain says I don't care I stand no chance of fighting it. You just have to try and keep caring!

newrylinus

Behappy, I can completely relate to this post. It is amazing how you can be sailing along doing well and then all of a sudden an urge so calm, so natural, so obvious appears and has you doing exactly what you said you wouldn't. And, for me at least, it was always "well, I'll have just one or two" and I would really believe it. That urge was so charming. And then I would drink the whole bottle in a day or two and wonder what happened.

I am new to this site and new to very seriously trying to quit. But I think the only way through is to be as vigilant as we can. And to understand that once a bottle is bought the only place it is going is down our throats in a hurry. The willpower to not buy a bottle is one thing. The willpower to not drink from a bottle in our possession is quite another. And though we hate to admit it, that is a strength we just may not have.

Behappy1

Thank you all! I have never really dissected my thought process when I had been doing so well and go to buy a bottle. Prior to sobriety I didn't think twice about buying it. I had it planned every day. I knew that I couldn't go to this store because I was just there yesterday or the day before. I had about 8 different places in my rotation. It was planned and calculated.

The few times during the last 60 days have not been planned at all. This is new to me! Also, I know that it ;seems that I have minimized my drinking in this thread as a "slip". I suppose I have done so because I have been so dang proud of myself for the most part. Saying the word relapse kind of takes all that away and makes the work that I have done nothing. Semantics I suppose. The difference now is that I have gotten RIGHT back on the horse instead of staying on the ground wallowing for 3-4 days. I have done much better - but not good enough. As was stated in other threads , I have given myself a little bit of "wiggle room" as far as drinking. I have never said never again. I think that vocabulary needs to be used in my thoughts. I think that when I started sobriety it was day to day and I didn't really have a long term plan and I got complacent.

I also know that the guilt, shame, disgust, fear, hate that I feel for myself after a relapse becomes a distant memory a month later when I think "just one more time." I actually DID play the tape through when I bought that bottle and told myself "It will be fine - just one more time won't be bad."

IDK if I am alone in my jacked up thinking (lol) but it is the way that my thought process was at the time. Thank you all for your input! I hate being wishy washy and that's what I have been.

Meraviglioso

In the end it is just semantics but for what it is worth in rehab we had a specific group talking about how to prevent relapses/deal with them/etc. The psychologist said that a "slip" is a drinking episode that is confined to 24 hours and one that we immediately recognise as a mistake and as such reach out for help right away. A relapse however lasts more than 24 hours and we cannot or do not care or want to recognise our mistake and do not reach out for help.

Take that as you wish. For what it is worth I too would be proud of so many sober days, consecutive or not. Now you can work on making those consecutive, right?

ChloeRose63

I call that "the zombie me". I use to do that, too. It is like I am being controlled. I know what I am doing is not the sober me but, I go through the motions of purchasing alcohol in a "zombie state" with this inner voice screaming not to buy it!(Sometimes I felt like telling the clerk not to sell it to me because I am an alcohollic....) It really was a very difficult time battling that AV. Don't beat yourself up about it. You just need better 'weapons' to fight it off. I can relate to you as many of us can, too. Glad you posted. Hope you are feeling better. ♡CR

Arpeggioh

Thank you for your posts; they're a chilling reminder of the many times I simply p*ssed away months, even years, of sobriety on a sudden whim. Like you, my vodka purchases during sobriety were never planned; it felt like they just happened! Reflecting back, though, I can hear this distant voice in my head: it said, almost literally, "Bullsh*t, I'll show you who's in charge!" Like my mind suddenly decided to challenge my sobriety.

Those insane moments, those crazy thoughts, I now realize were emanating from my addiction, The Beast, the reptile brain...the Thing that had never gone away, and never will, but just lies dormant and seemingly absent, patiently waiting for its chance to be fed and f*ck up my life. It sounds so dramatic, and almost silly, while I write it out...but I truly believe that's what has always happened with my many relapses over the years.

Next time, god forbid, if ever, I pick up a bottle of Smirnoff with intent to purchase, I've got to find a moment of clarity, remember this post, and truly think about What is in charge of my brain at that moment; my life depends on it...