This time..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 16
This time..
Aight.
Lost one of my jobs and my girlfriend for the last five years, about seven-eight months ago. Love of my life, still in touch occasionaly, but for me.. Gone. That's an ugly story I'm extremely sad over and I don't think I can ever forgive myself for what happened.
Since then I've been saying to myself that I can moderate myself. I'll just have one, or perhaps two, and some cigarettes, the classical combo, then just like that I'll go home. Close to never happened.
Time to make a change.
These last eight months have been like I've caught up with myself from the last 14 years and learnt a ton about myself. The last fourteen years I never stopped, just to look around and ask myself about what I'm doing and really never got to know myself, if that makes sense... I just rolled along with myself.
These last months I've tried from one to two-three times pr week to "moderate". After failing miserably I just accepted that in my current state I'm just unable to moderate myself. I quickly realized it was WAY easier to just stay home and do something, than trying to drink moderately.
I know I have no choice, I can't keep going like I've done until recently.
So.. I took the dive for my own science and curiosity and kept doing it. Going out, trying to just have a few.. On a handful of occasions I managed it, but.. just a drop in the sea comparing to the times it went south.
The difference was that I wanted to learn my behavior, my triggers, why this, why that, get to know that little bastard in the back of my brain saying "Well, the bus will not be here for another fifteen minutes, best you kill some time by having another one" and other excuses like that.. I wanted to know how I tick.
I never felt good about myself the next day doing this. Usual paranoia, unstable feelings, and physical crappiness, the normal stuff. But I always got a bit wiser.
I hate to lose, I've been losing this battle for 14 years, now I got some good intel on myself. I will see how far I can get with some rules, willpower and motivation I didn't have before.
I want to be able to drink socially, but also be the one who is first to go home if that's what I need to. And the trick is that I need to make me be the one who wants to go home.
So since saturday morning, this is it. I'm trying to crawl out of this miserable puddle of mud.
Lost one of my jobs and my girlfriend for the last five years, about seven-eight months ago. Love of my life, still in touch occasionaly, but for me.. Gone. That's an ugly story I'm extremely sad over and I don't think I can ever forgive myself for what happened.
Since then I've been saying to myself that I can moderate myself. I'll just have one, or perhaps two, and some cigarettes, the classical combo, then just like that I'll go home. Close to never happened.
Time to make a change.
These last eight months have been like I've caught up with myself from the last 14 years and learnt a ton about myself. The last fourteen years I never stopped, just to look around and ask myself about what I'm doing and really never got to know myself, if that makes sense... I just rolled along with myself.
These last months I've tried from one to two-three times pr week to "moderate". After failing miserably I just accepted that in my current state I'm just unable to moderate myself. I quickly realized it was WAY easier to just stay home and do something, than trying to drink moderately.
I know I have no choice, I can't keep going like I've done until recently.
So.. I took the dive for my own science and curiosity and kept doing it. Going out, trying to just have a few.. On a handful of occasions I managed it, but.. just a drop in the sea comparing to the times it went south.
The difference was that I wanted to learn my behavior, my triggers, why this, why that, get to know that little bastard in the back of my brain saying "Well, the bus will not be here for another fifteen minutes, best you kill some time by having another one" and other excuses like that.. I wanted to know how I tick.
I never felt good about myself the next day doing this. Usual paranoia, unstable feelings, and physical crappiness, the normal stuff. But I always got a bit wiser.
I hate to lose, I've been losing this battle for 14 years, now I got some good intel on myself. I will see how far I can get with some rules, willpower and motivation I didn't have before.
I want to be able to drink socially, but also be the one who is first to go home if that's what I need to. And the trick is that I need to make me be the one who wants to go home.
So since saturday morning, this is it. I'm trying to crawl out of this miserable puddle of mud.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Wales UK
Posts: 859
I think your playing the wrong game!
If you could drink like that you would, many people cannot once it's one its on.
Sobriety once achieved and with the right support will far outshine a life of unfulfilled drinking and the financial , emotional loss that will ensue.
Being bright and seeing a pattern won't stop you drinking or help you return to the few fun days drinking you managed befor "it" got hold of you.
14 years is quite early to be looking for a way out , which is good , though I'd strongly suggest going through another door.
It's not an easy journey but it is a better choice.
John.
If you could drink like that you would, many people cannot once it's one its on.
Sobriety once achieved and with the right support will far outshine a life of unfulfilled drinking and the financial , emotional loss that will ensue.
Being bright and seeing a pattern won't stop you drinking or help you return to the few fun days drinking you managed befor "it" got hold of you.
14 years is quite early to be looking for a way out , which is good , though I'd strongly suggest going through another door.
It's not an easy journey but it is a better choice.
John.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 16
I bet most people would say I'm playing the wrong game.
My post is maybe 1/1000th of what my thoughts are. I can't explain it. But yes, I agree, it seems like a dangerous game. But a lot has changed for me. I hope it lasts.
My post is maybe 1/1000th of what my thoughts are. I can't explain it. But yes, I agree, it seems like a dangerous game. But a lot has changed for me. I hope it lasts.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,428
Welcome 
It wasn't something I was able to do - I'm afraid you're going to hear that a lot.
I had a lot of good intentions, plans, and promises....but once alcohol entered my system everything changed.
I think you really should consider the fact it's the first drink that brings the troubles, not the last ones....its the engine that hits you, not the caboose....
D
It wasn't something I was able to do - I'm afraid you're going to hear that a lot.
I had a lot of good intentions, plans, and promises....but once alcohol entered my system everything changed.
I think you really should consider the fact it's the first drink that brings the troubles, not the last ones....its the engine that hits you, not the caboose....
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 16
I know I might sound extremely naive. And you've heard people like me a million times, coming in here proclaiming that "I shall stop drinking myself to hell! One drink Shall be enough! Well. I can't say anything else than that's probably what I'm saying here.
I hope I'm not as futile optimistic as I was, and naive. I know the powers of alcohol.
It's like you Dee74 are saying. Once the first drink is down, somebody else is driving.
I hope I'm not as futile optimistic as I was, and naive. I know the powers of alcohol.
It's like you Dee74 are saying. Once the first drink is down, somebody else is driving.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by Someonestupid 
I want to be able to drink socially, but also be the one who is first to go home if that's what I need to. And the trick is that I need to make me be the one who wants to go home.
But truthfully if alcoholic -- drunks can't drink like that
not and get away with it for any amount of time anyway.
How many times did I fool myself ?
I lost count many, many years ago.
Good luck,
Bob
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 82
This is my experience: I tried many times thinking through many ways of moderate drinking and sometimes it worked. Now, I don't pick up the first one because it's a crap shoot (at the very best). For you it may be different, I was a morning drinker.
Now, instead of constantly thinking about how much, when, and how to drink, I don't. Problem solved. My thoughts are now on improving my life, and it has 10x since I stopped drinking. Lot's of work and it's not perfect, but I'm no longer obsessing over drinking. My 2 cents and good luck to you
Now, instead of constantly thinking about how much, when, and how to drink, I don't. Problem solved. My thoughts are now on improving my life, and it has 10x since I stopped drinking. Lot's of work and it's not perfect, but I'm no longer obsessing over drinking. My 2 cents and good luck to you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by Mountainmanbob
I don't know if you are alcoholic or not ?
But truthfully if alcoholic -- drunks can't drink like that
not and get away with it for any amount of time anyway.
How many times did I fool myself ?
I lost count many, many years ago.
Good luck,
Bob
But truthfully if alcoholic -- drunks can't drink like that
not and get away with it for any amount of time anyway.
How many times did I fool myself ?
I lost count many, many years ago.
Good luck,
Bob
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
I'm just going to be blunt with facts brother
Your life will change for the better when you accept that this problem won't go away if you continue to drink in fact things just get horribly worse I know this and have heard thousands say the same
Why is alcohol this important to you ? think about that i don't need an answer
What good does alcohol bring to your life
What bad does alcohol bring to your life
Best to be upfront lay it out bare & join your sober brothers & sisters we not only get it because we have been there but we made it out on the other side too
Get yourself a plan written up it will help keep you on track
Your life will change for the better when you accept that this problem won't go away if you continue to drink in fact things just get horribly worse I know this and have heard thousands say the same
Why is alcohol this important to you ? think about that i don't need an answer
What good does alcohol bring to your life
What bad does alcohol bring to your life
Best to be upfront lay it out bare & join your sober brothers & sisters we not only get it because we have been there but we made it out on the other side too
Get yourself a plan written up it will help keep you on track
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
It hasn't happened in over 14 years, but you want to be able to enjoy a drink or two. That's all. A drink and go home? Years of struggle and that's the goal?
Have you ever stopped to ask yourself, "Why is alcohol so important to me that I can't give it up?"
Have you ever stopped to ask yourself, "Why is alcohol so important to me that I can't give it up?"
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Northeast US
Posts: 773
Like you I first came her in a half-hearted attempt to control my drinking. At the time I insisted to everyone here (many of the same folks who have commented on your thread) it was not half-hearted, I was different, I wasn't that bad, I would be the one to tackle moderation and win.
A year later I limped back here and admitted I was not the one. And you'll find that if you find yourself turning to a forum such as SR, somewhere deep down you also know that you will not win that battle.
Nearly 100 days of sobriety later, I have accepted that moderation is not something I ever have it in me to do. I have tackled many social occasions sober and had a perfectly fine time.
But until you accept deep down that you are likely not the one either (sorry for the matrix sounding line
) your fourteen year struggle is most likely to continue.
A year later I limped back here and admitted I was not the one. And you'll find that if you find yourself turning to a forum such as SR, somewhere deep down you also know that you will not win that battle.
Nearly 100 days of sobriety later, I have accepted that moderation is not something I ever have it in me to do. I have tackled many social occasions sober and had a perfectly fine time.
But until you accept deep down that you are likely not the one either (sorry for the matrix sounding line
) your fourteen year struggle is most likely to continue.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by ICanDoBetter
Like you I first came her in a half-hearted attempt to control my drinking. At the time I insisted to everyone here (many of the same folks who have commented on your thread) it was not half-hearted, I was different, I wasn't that bad, I would be the one to tackle moderation and win.
A year later I limped back here and admitted I was not the one. And you'll find that if you find yourself turning to a forum such as SR, somewhere deep down you also know that you will not win that battle.
Nearly 100 days of sobriety later, I have accepted that moderation is not something I ever have it in me to do. I have tackled many social occasions sober and had a perfectly fine time.
But until you accept deep down that you are likely not the one either (sorry for the matrix sounding line ) your fourteen year struggle is most likely to continue.
A year later I limped back here and admitted I was not the one. And you'll find that if you find yourself turning to a forum such as SR, somewhere deep down you also know that you will not win that battle.
Nearly 100 days of sobriety later, I have accepted that moderation is not something I ever have it in me to do. I have tackled many social occasions sober and had a perfectly fine time.
But until you accept deep down that you are likely not the one either (sorry for the matrix sounding line
) your fourteen year struggle is most likely to continue.Thanks for all your answers guys. I was expecting those kind of answers. I'm not trying to be an ******* or just playing stupid here (although my nick might say otherwise). It's just might be that I want someone to talk to..idk
I said I've been battling it for 14 years. That's actually wrong. I used the wrong words, sorry.
I have been drinking to much and to often for 14 years. But it wasn't until sometime last year I realized that I actually do have a problem. Like I said, I never stopped and took a look around during those 14 years. I just went happily along with it.
Not even getting to know myself, just "existing", if that makes sense..
When I look back I now see where it started, and how I behaved in relation to party/weed/alcohol all these years.. But I now see where it took me, in so many ways.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Northeast US
Posts: 773
Originally Posted by Someonestupid
Thanks for all your answers guys. I was expecting those kind of answers. I'm not trying to be an ******* or just playing stupid here (although my nick might say otherwise). It's just might be that I want someone to talk to..idk I said I've been battling it for 14 years. That's actually wrong. I used the wrong words, sorry. I have been drinking to much and to often for 14 years. But it wasn't until sometime last year I realized that I actually do have a problem. Like I said, I never stopped and took a look around during those 14 years. I just went happily along with it. Not even getting to know myself, just "existing", if that makes sense.. When I look back I now see where it started, and how I behaved in relation to party/weed/alcohol all these years.. But I now see where it took me, in so many ways.
The choice is then yours as to what you do with your new found knowledge...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Welcome. Well I have certainly played the game you are playing....for a long time. And I've seen many, many alcoholics do the same over the years. I have never personally seen 1 succeed.
I had to find out for myself just how deep a hole my thinking would lead me to dig. Or how thick the mud. Pretty darn deep.
For me complete abstinence is the only route. My life and thinking were dominated by alcohol....it is exhausting. And now simply dangerous. I don't want to die.
Good luck.
I had to find out for myself just how deep a hole my thinking would lead me to dig. Or how thick the mud. Pretty darn deep.
For me complete abstinence is the only route. My life and thinking were dominated by alcohol....it is exhausting. And now simply dangerous. I don't want to die.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 937
I want to be able to drink socially, but also be the one who is first to go home if that's what I need to.
I'd say that is true for many of us. I'm not in AA, but these thoughts on moderating alcohol intake really resonated with me:
Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
I realized when I read that passage that my very focus on trying to moderate or be "normal" with alcohol meant that in actuality, it had me by the throat. It's weird how the very people who are probably NOT problem drinkers are the ones who don't really care about it to begin with.
I'd say that is true for many of us. I'm not in AA, but these thoughts on moderating alcohol intake really resonated with me:
Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
I realized when I read that passage that my very focus on trying to moderate or be "normal" with alcohol meant that in actuality, it had me by the throat. It's weird how the very people who are probably NOT problem drinkers are the ones who don't really care about it to begin with.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 16
I've realized I don't let go of routines that easily.
I was mentally addicted to weed for about four or five years. Couldn't live without it. It was a daily routine. Until one day it just was to much. Paranoia took hold. And I realized that I was just sitting at home rotting, not getting anything done with my life and the whole thing. It came to one point where enough was enough. Haven't smoked a joint since and didn't have any problems with not smoking almost the second I stopped.
It wasn't an active choice per se, it wasn't like i said to myself that i MUST stop smoking weed and tried not to. It just happened, I just didn't want to smoke weed anymore.
I feel like I've reached that point with alcohol now, or being a drunk, and everything that goes with that. I didn't feel this way before I actually thought of what it was doing to and with me. These last few months with some serious thinking while experiencing what it does to me, has really made me quite fed up.
I'm not physically addicted to alcohol. But I'm addicted to the state of mind it gives me, and the routine. Not very different from the weed-thing, in some aspects.
For instance. What I've realized is that if I'm alone, the first beer is a small celebration, my brain treats it as a reward. The fourth beer is not. The fourth is just the routine doing it's thing. The fourth beer has no logical reason to be on my table. I have no reason to drink that beer. This routine-mindset is what must be broken.
I was mentally addicted to weed for about four or five years. Couldn't live without it. It was a daily routine. Until one day it just was to much. Paranoia took hold. And I realized that I was just sitting at home rotting, not getting anything done with my life and the whole thing. It came to one point where enough was enough. Haven't smoked a joint since and didn't have any problems with not smoking almost the second I stopped.
It wasn't an active choice per se, it wasn't like i said to myself that i MUST stop smoking weed and tried not to. It just happened, I just didn't want to smoke weed anymore.
I feel like I've reached that point with alcohol now, or being a drunk, and everything that goes with that. I didn't feel this way before I actually thought of what it was doing to and with me. These last few months with some serious thinking while experiencing what it does to me, has really made me quite fed up.
I'm not physically addicted to alcohol. But I'm addicted to the state of mind it gives me, and the routine. Not very different from the weed-thing, in some aspects.
For instance. What I've realized is that if I'm alone, the first beer is a small celebration, my brain treats it as a reward. The fourth beer is not. The fourth is just the routine doing it's thing. The fourth beer has no logical reason to be on my table. I have no reason to drink that beer. This routine-mindset is what must be broken.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
Welcome!
Betty Ford said that once you cross that invisible line, there is no going back. This is true for alcoholics. The best thing you can do is to stop drinking and be free of the obsession.
Betty Ford said that once you cross that invisible line, there is no going back. This is true for alcoholics. The best thing you can do is to stop drinking and be free of the obsession.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by Someonestupid
I want to be able to drink socially, and even though I have already lost a job and the love of my life, I want to be able to drink socially so badly that I am willing to risk even more to be able to do so.
You don't keep losing, my friend. You aren't even in the game. The alcoholic living in your head is calling all the shots.
Best of Luck on Your Journey.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Northeast US
Posts: 773
Originally Posted by Someonestupid
I've realized I don't let go of routines that easily. I was mentally addicted to weed for about four or five years. Couldn't live without it. It was a daily routine. Until one day it just was to much. Paranoia took hold. And I realized that I was just sitting at home rotting, not getting anything done with my life and the whole thing. It came to one point where enough was enough. Haven't smoked a joint since and didn't have any problems with not smoking almost the second I stopped. It wasn't an active choice per se, it wasn't like i said to myself that i MUST stop smoking weed and tried not to. It just happened, I just didn't want to smoke weed anymore. I feel like I've reached that point with alcohol now, or being a drunk, and everything that goes with that. I didn't feel this way before I actually thought of what it was doing to and with me. These last few months with some serious thinking while experiencing what it does to me, has really made me quite fed up. I'm not physically addicted to alcohol. But I'm addicted to the state of mind it gives me, and the routine. Not very different from the weed-thing, in some aspects. For instance. What I've realized is that if I'm alone, the first beer is a small celebration, my brain treats it as a reward. The fourth beer is not. The fourth is just the routine doing it's thing. The fourth beer has no logical reason to be on my table. I have no reason to drink that beer. This routine-mindset is what must be broken.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
