What makes me sick
after i was sober a bit i couldnt blame anyone for feeling the way they did about me. just not drinking sure as hell wasnt going to be enough for anyone to change their opinions of me. it took action
and not just a week or a few months of it either. i also had to put in the footwork for me. not to make others happy.
my family did believe one dam bit i was serious about getting sober and i could feel the tension for quite some time.
and i was ok with it because i put myself in their shoes and honestly? i would have threw me out of my life looooong time ago.
and not just a week or a few months of it either. i also had to put in the footwork for me. not to make others happy.
my family did believe one dam bit i was serious about getting sober and i could feel the tension for quite some time.
and i was ok with it because i put myself in their shoes and honestly? i would have threw me out of my life looooong time ago.
Babes, first a big huge hug because I know you need it right now. It really sucks when you're trying your hardest to turn yourself around and do the right thing and they act like they do. I can only offer to you how I found peace under this same circumstance.
I don't know what your experiences are but I know that I did some really scathing things that emotionally scarred my husband. We never had any violence but there might as well have been, the words were hammers themselves leaving marks that couldn't be seen but were deeply reaching. I'm so embarrassed at some of the things I said to him (some while he was undergoing treatment for cancer) that I can't even repeat them, nor would I want to.
When I got sober the last time I remember when I hit the 30 day mark. I came home with that 30 day chip expecting a hug and a huge pat on the back. I was shocked, hurt, and surprised to find that his reaction to my wonderful happiness was silence. He angered me greatly because he said something along the lines of we'd talk when I was a lot further out. How dare he still punish me when I had shown I could go this long?? For some reason I thought my 30 days was going to magically fix all the pain and anguish I had caused. I started getting really irritated because he has his own set of issues (thankfully not alcohol or drugs), some which I used as resentments to allow myself to drink and then emotionally abuse him because as far as I was concerned he deserved it. You know what though? I can't fix him, I can only fix me. Additionally, why was I looking to him for affirmation of how good I was at staying sober for 30 days? My sobriety belongs to me, no one else. They just get to reap the benefits. So, that's when I realized I was still playing with the mindset that I was getting sober for others. You can't do this for others, it has to be for you. It's yours and you must protect and guard it. So I never let his lack of happiness at my sobriety to get me down. It came eventually, in his own time.
What I did try to remember though was all the pain I had caused to him though and for some miraculous reason he was still staying with me. For that I was grateful. As much as he hated what I had done there was obviously some love left or he wouldn't be with me still. I stowed that away and remembered it each time I felt resentful that he wasn't as ecstatic as I wanted him to be.
You know what really helped? A few days after him not meeting the happiness meter portrayal that I had expected I sat down with him and this is essentially what I said. First I told him that I didn't expect him to respond to what I was about to say. I just wanted him to listen. I told him that I could never find a way to apologize to him for the pain and agony I caused. That I was thankful that he was still with me and willing to work on things. That my only hope was that someday through my remaining sober that he would come to realize that I meant business and that I was never going to put him through that again, I told him I realized that his feelings were valid and I hoped that one day by the work I was doing I hoped that he could regain the love and respect that I wanted. That I understood that was going to take some time.
Then I left it at that and walked away. It did take some time but eventually it did get there. This past week has been hell but at least it's not because I was doing the same thing I did previously.
Do yourself a big favor and stay away from the F&F forum. They are people who have been deeply hurt by us. Just like not everything you read in our area is always reasonable neither will it be there. It also hurts to see the pain that we've caused. It's not a good place to be. I know that he's saying some things to you that hurt especially when he's telling you how aghast people are when he tells them things that you've done. Why do you care? You're working on good things right now.
Know that you have much support over here. We understand because we're on this side of the fence with you. Let go of your expectations of how he should be feeling right now. The important thing is working on you, you can't do anything to change his feelings right now. That will all come with time.
Big Big Big hugs!
I don't know what your experiences are but I know that I did some really scathing things that emotionally scarred my husband. We never had any violence but there might as well have been, the words were hammers themselves leaving marks that couldn't be seen but were deeply reaching. I'm so embarrassed at some of the things I said to him (some while he was undergoing treatment for cancer) that I can't even repeat them, nor would I want to.
When I got sober the last time I remember when I hit the 30 day mark. I came home with that 30 day chip expecting a hug and a huge pat on the back. I was shocked, hurt, and surprised to find that his reaction to my wonderful happiness was silence. He angered me greatly because he said something along the lines of we'd talk when I was a lot further out. How dare he still punish me when I had shown I could go this long?? For some reason I thought my 30 days was going to magically fix all the pain and anguish I had caused. I started getting really irritated because he has his own set of issues (thankfully not alcohol or drugs), some which I used as resentments to allow myself to drink and then emotionally abuse him because as far as I was concerned he deserved it. You know what though? I can't fix him, I can only fix me. Additionally, why was I looking to him for affirmation of how good I was at staying sober for 30 days? My sobriety belongs to me, no one else. They just get to reap the benefits. So, that's when I realized I was still playing with the mindset that I was getting sober for others. You can't do this for others, it has to be for you. It's yours and you must protect and guard it. So I never let his lack of happiness at my sobriety to get me down. It came eventually, in his own time.
What I did try to remember though was all the pain I had caused to him though and for some miraculous reason he was still staying with me. For that I was grateful. As much as he hated what I had done there was obviously some love left or he wouldn't be with me still. I stowed that away and remembered it each time I felt resentful that he wasn't as ecstatic as I wanted him to be.
You know what really helped? A few days after him not meeting the happiness meter portrayal that I had expected I sat down with him and this is essentially what I said. First I told him that I didn't expect him to respond to what I was about to say. I just wanted him to listen. I told him that I could never find a way to apologize to him for the pain and agony I caused. That I was thankful that he was still with me and willing to work on things. That my only hope was that someday through my remaining sober that he would come to realize that I meant business and that I was never going to put him through that again, I told him I realized that his feelings were valid and I hoped that one day by the work I was doing I hoped that he could regain the love and respect that I wanted. That I understood that was going to take some time.
Then I left it at that and walked away. It did take some time but eventually it did get there. This past week has been hell but at least it's not because I was doing the same thing I did previously.
Do yourself a big favor and stay away from the F&F forum. They are people who have been deeply hurt by us. Just like not everything you read in our area is always reasonable neither will it be there. It also hurts to see the pain that we've caused. It's not a good place to be. I know that he's saying some things to you that hurt especially when he's telling you how aghast people are when he tells them things that you've done. Why do you care? You're working on good things right now.
Know that you have much support over here. We understand because we're on this side of the fence with you. Let go of your expectations of how he should be feeling right now. The important thing is working on you, you can't do anything to change his feelings right now. That will all come with time.
Big Big Big hugs!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 394
Update: He has since apologized to me for being a d*ck (his words). I appreciate that, told him I've done worse, and thanked him for apologizing. For him, that is big. He NEVER apologizes. Hopefully life gets better...
The fact that anyone from my past has anything to do with me still astounds me.
For the most part I've gotten past guilt and shame via the steps. However, that doesn't change the fact that when we are active, we destroy the lives of those around us. There is a difference between shame and accountability.
I gave my wife a very hard time when i first got clean. I wanted her to be more supportive and forgiving. When we separated a year later (for other reasons) I let her know that she did nothing wrong when she left me right before i got clean, if anything she did what was the best for herself.
Time and recovery changes our perspective.
For the most part I've gotten past guilt and shame via the steps. However, that doesn't change the fact that when we are active, we destroy the lives of those around us. There is a difference between shame and accountability.
I gave my wife a very hard time when i first got clean. I wanted her to be more supportive and forgiving. When we separated a year later (for other reasons) I let her know that she did nothing wrong when she left me right before i got clean, if anything she did what was the best for herself.
Time and recovery changes our perspective.
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