Jimmy10k

Hey Guys,
So I'm halfway through day 2, hiding in my condo and I've been doing surprisingly well. I've been hydrating and giving my body plenty of nutrition. The worst part is the fact that I haven't slept in over 24 hours. I don't mind being awake so much because I'm experiencing being sober for the first time in a LONG time.
So why I'm posting again today is a little while ago I went outside just to get some air. I felt the wind and the sun and I smelled that early spring air. Feelings and scents that I haven't smelled in years. But literally as soon as I inhaled the spring air my mind registered the weather and all that associates with it. (Fishing, bbq, camping, swimming, etc) which for me involves heavy drinking. My eyes rolled back like a shark. Completely out of nowhere after nearly 48 hours I was brought to my knees in an instant.
I rushed back inside locked the door and closed the shades. Hopefully it passes

2muchpain

It will pass but the first few weeks can be pretty tough. You gotta be real committed and determined to get through those two weeks. It helps a lot to have some support during this time. Us SR as much as you can. Keep reading and posting. Many people here know exactly what your going through and can help you through it. John

AdelineRose

It will get easier, it just takes time. The more events that you stay sober through the easier it will become to stay sober in the next and in the next. You have to establish your "new normal" and once you continually make the right choices, the easier they will start to come to you.

Also, it is easy to romanticize the idea of BBQing and fishing but it was never that wonderful or else you wouldn't be desperately wanting to be sober and rid of alcohol. Think about how much you would end up drinking, how you would feel the next day, and the constant cycle you would be stuck in. We aren't able to have "a beer out on the porch"..if we could we wouldn't have been brought to our knees by our addictions. Be honest with yourself when those thoughts start to creep up into your mind.

Our addictions like to fool us, the question is, will you let it fool you?

Anna

You will find it easier as time goes by. Good for you for getting through Day 2.

Soberwolf

Congrats on day 2

ALinNS

Congratulations on day 2!! In my own case I had to rewire and rethink many associations in life, the outdoors was the hardest for me as it seemed I associated everything I loved to do with drinking Beer, especially the warm spring days after a long hard winter, some days are a lot easier than others but it has become easier with time, as my son would tell me baby steps and that seems to work.

All the best
Andrew

entropy1964

Hi Jimmy
Recovery/abstinence definitely is a complete change...of pretty much everything, at least for me. My thinking being the biggest change.

I'm an old lady and change doesn't come easily. It took me years to get where I am...its gonna take probably a couple of years to revamp myself. Even then, its a daily job. I have to be very patient with myself.

My thinking is what gets me, every time. I have to literally force myself not to romanticize alcohol. Or to engage in any of the thinking (self pity, victim stuff, negative self talk, resentment, lack of gratitude) that feeds my addiction and lays me open to relapse.

I journal my feelings daily....not here (although I do that a bit here) but in my own journal. Keep alive the reasons I'm not drinking and the reality that alcohol will kill me if I ingest it.

You're doing great. Give yourself a big ole break and be grateful you are sober today!

yinzer

It will get easier over time and when you are ready to do those things again, you'll find they're much more fun without drinking! For now, just do what you need to do to get through. Congrats on day 2!

Venecia

It gets better.

Perhaps it would help to start building new associations and new habits. Go for a walk in a place you've not been before -- there must be some nice parks in Chicago that haven't been part of your routine.

Start thinking of fresh air as renewal. Buy a kite and fly it. Visit the beautiful art museum in Chicago. You're early in sobriety so take things easy, but start thinking about how you can build new connections in your mind, new memories that will be part of your sober life. It helps.

LadyBlue0527

Don't hope, MAKE it pass. It's not an option. This does get better Jimmy, I promise you. In a while you are going to experience life like you haven't in a very long, long time. You will feel better. About the world, about yourself, and about life. I experienced the gift of sobriety but it took lots of experiences that you are speaking of. To stand there thinking about the so called fun that comes with drinking. To remind myself that for me, that's not a reality. To know that these thoughts were nothing more than my AV working its way into my brain.

You can get past this. For each time that you do the resolve will get stronger. It will get better, far better.

Additionally, I am going to urge you to read a thread I just posted. Here's the link:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rent-time.html

You CAN do this. It does get better!

ylajali

Well-said. That's about it in a nutshell.

I wish I had some sweet, loving words to take the misery and confusion and chemical enslavements from your heart, Jimmy. But understand you're part of the game, you have always been, don't confuse reason with want, don't confuse your life with your circumstance, don't confuse slavery with endowment, don't let others tell you what's worth it or what it's worth. Sad and beautiful as it is, you're the star of this show.

I know next to nothing, but I can tell you this with utmost confidence: what you need is yours to discover on your own, though your eyes may never dry entirely from tears and your heart may never stop beating as much as you wish; you might wish your mind hadn't spread its ambivalent mass on the rest of our lives but it's done, with such unique grace, already, right now, that it ought to bring the rest of us down on our knees. But we don't live like that... we can't accept the below, because we're "other people".

You are the centre of the universe. Remember: whatever passes will itself pass, and so you will find the sickly sense of having done the same thing before. We're not creatures of habit out of cosmic coincidence. All of nature's rules are self-referential, and ultimately you are the mathematical expression of a love/hate amalgam that we're not remotely capable of comprehending, but it's physics, chemistry, and this, contrary to immediate objection, only enhances our fears and lusts. There is no escape from this. You only need to find one thing, and you've already found it (and it's not anything you can identify), and nothing anyone here can say or think or do or suggest or point to with a ******* URL will make any difference. You're already here, and that's the problem, and ultimately that's what people live for.

Well, SO BE IT. EXPLORE. RUN AS FAR AS YOU CAN, and you'll wind up back where you are, because it's all folded in on itself, and the ceilings, although claustrophobic, shelter us from the void, and you can love here. But you won't leave, not until the universe and/or you have decided. So far as I can tell it comes down to some kind of choice. The choice to believe you can make your own choices or the choice to believe you cannot. Of course, you don't get to choose which one of these choices you choose. Once again, self-referential and self-infolded and perfectly symmetrical. All the chaos of your life... know that it's planned, either out of malevolence, benevolence, indifference, or -- ? And that fourth choice is yours. You do get a piece of the pie, it just happens to be irrelevant: belief.

Try not to forget that somewhere, in the most vacuous of intergalactic voids, there are other agents such as yourself, perhaps even other copies of yourself, trying to find a way. And if you try... if you try, well, then. You've already shown us all what's to be done. But you're not the only one.

We're all alone together.

tomsteve

keep trudging and eventually you will have the same experience and associate it with good times.
imo, it prolly isnt the best thing to isolate and lock yourself inside your condo.
yup, ya have the compulsion to drink pretty strong, but the only way that will happen is if you allow it to happen- you have the choice to fight it.

thomas11

I can agree with tomsteve, but I can also provide a different perspective. I have a safe room in my house, I'm sitting in it right now at my computer. Yes, I have been drunk here, but 95% of the time I did not drink in here. It is where I spent alot of time over the last year. Because when drinking, I was adventurous. I would probably always be right around the .12 BAC (drunk, not wasted) and do lots of things. So, I got and stayed sober in my safe room. For so long, that I finally felt good in my own skin again, recently I have started venturing out, and all my old haunts are like new places again, because I'm doing them sober. When I say haunts, I mean friends places, neighbors etc....not a bar guy. So, you can get out of the house with a fresh attitude, or you can stay inside, and just gut this thing out (like I did) until you know that you can go do those things withoutdrinking.

MIRecovery

I love to do all of the things you mentioned and they are even more fun sober. That you will never have fun again is just a lie alcohol tries to convince us of

madgirl

Dang Y that was intense!

Try not to forget that somewhere, in the most vacuous of intergalactic voids, there are other agents such as yourself, perhaps even other copies of yourself, trying to find a way.

Cool thought. Don't mean to hijack this thread - sorry.

Jimmy there are literally thousands of things to do which aren't drinking alcohol. It's amazing actually. You won't know until you try it though.

Wastinglife

I know how you feel. I've spent many days locked away during detox. No sleep, barely able to eat/drink without vomiting, anxiety through the roof etc. It takes me 3 days to completely feel normal after a bender usually. My trick is usually to binge watch a TV show on HBO or Netflix until I am able to go out in public again.

Don't think about summer BBQ's now. Just get yourself sober and healthy first

Nonsensical

Yup. It takes a while to build the new associations in your mind. They will come, though, if you stay on your sober path.

Congrats on 2 days. Keep it going!

Jimmy10k

Unbelievable responses everyone. Thanks so much