How is "happy" supposed to feel?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
It's a lot of things.
It's a spectrum.
Sometimes, it's a pure elation. It's a joyful uprising in you that hits you in your chest and even brings tears to your eyes.
Sometimes, it's as simple as acceptance and gratitude.... just being "OK" with the current circumstances and being "OK" with must being "OK".
Sometimes, it's a choice.... to focus intentionally on the positive things and be pleased with those things for their simple existence in life, despite challenges or downsides.
Sometimes, it is just being quietly alone and in a space of non-thinking, non-feeling that generally offers freedom in that moment.
Happy - it's a lot of things, a lot of flavors and shapes and thoughts and feelings.
It's NOT anger
It's NOT fear
It's NOT shame
It's NOT guilt
It's NOT panic, anxiety, frustration or oppression
It's NOT dishonesty
It's NOT blame
It's NOT addiction.... it is definitely, NOT addiction....
It's a spectrum.
Sometimes, it's a pure elation. It's a joyful uprising in you that hits you in your chest and even brings tears to your eyes.
Sometimes, it's as simple as acceptance and gratitude.... just being "OK" with the current circumstances and being "OK" with must being "OK".
Sometimes, it's a choice.... to focus intentionally on the positive things and be pleased with those things for their simple existence in life, despite challenges or downsides.
Sometimes, it is just being quietly alone and in a space of non-thinking, non-feeling that generally offers freedom in that moment.
Happy - it's a lot of things, a lot of flavors and shapes and thoughts and feelings.
It's NOT anger
It's NOT fear
It's NOT shame
It's NOT guilt
It's NOT panic, anxiety, frustration or oppression
It's NOT dishonesty
It's NOT blame
It's NOT addiction.... it is definitely, NOT addiction....
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
Hi madgirl,
For the first 6 months or so of being sober I wasn't feeling much of anything. I was completely committed to staying sober but I had no joy and certainly no pink sober cloud happening.
Around the 6 month mark I started to experience short windows of joy, which gave me hope that it was getting better. Probably around the 9 month mark those windows stayed open for longer and longer periods of time.
Now at 1 yr and 4 1/2 mths I am feeling different; I feel confident and grown up. Epiphanies are coming to me, not everyday, but with some regularity. It is like I am going through growth spurts. I have good days and bad days and indifferent days.
During the first year, when the joy was so elusive, I determined that I would give my brain and body a full year of recovery time. Then I would worry about figuring the rest of it out. As it turned out, it was a natural progression, from healing to feeling.
It seems like a long time to start feeling things but I battered my mind, body and soul with alcohol for most of my adult life (I am now 57 yrs) so I wanted to give myself the best possible chance for a lifetime of sobriety.
You are doing great, madgirl
For the first 6 months or so of being sober I wasn't feeling much of anything. I was completely committed to staying sober but I had no joy and certainly no pink sober cloud happening.
Around the 6 month mark I started to experience short windows of joy, which gave me hope that it was getting better. Probably around the 9 month mark those windows stayed open for longer and longer periods of time.
Now at 1 yr and 4 1/2 mths I am feeling different; I feel confident and grown up. Epiphanies are coming to me, not everyday, but with some regularity. It is like I am going through growth spurts. I have good days and bad days and indifferent days.
During the first year, when the joy was so elusive, I determined that I would give my brain and body a full year of recovery time. Then I would worry about figuring the rest of it out. As it turned out, it was a natural progression, from healing to feeling.
It seems like a long time to start feeling things but I battered my mind, body and soul with alcohol for most of my adult life (I am now 57 yrs) so I wanted to give myself the best possible chance for a lifetime of sobriety.
You are doing great, madgirl
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
HI madgirl, I believe I can relate to what you say. I have not felt "happy" for as long as I can remember. All I have felt is stress and fight. All the things that are going on right now for myself...haven't smiled once. It means nothing. Its life, it needs to happen, its being responsible and taking control. Sorry to be a downer, but that's how I feel.
Now, I'm a people person, and ANY happiness I have felt has come from my wife and my dog. I love to see my wife happy, it makes me happy. I also like watching my dog do stupid dog things (like try to hide his bone in plain site). Those things make me smile and chuckle. I hope to change this in the next year.
If nothing else, I guess I could say I'm happy about doing the right thing...staying sober and moving forward. But its a different kind of happy. Thanks for starting this thread.
Now, I'm a people person, and ANY happiness I have felt has come from my wife and my dog. I love to see my wife happy, it makes me happy. I also like watching my dog do stupid dog things (like try to hide his bone in plain site). Those things make me smile and chuckle. I hope to change this in the next year.
If nothing else, I guess I could say I'm happy about doing the right thing...staying sober and moving forward. But its a different kind of happy. Thanks for starting this thread.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
For me, it feels like a state of flow in which a few things are working together -- clarity, motivation, drive, action, confidence, and some down time for reflection or internal synthesis. Toss in some gratitude (not the guilt-laden kind, but the truly thankful-to-be-here-in-this-moment-'cause-look-how-far-I've-come kind), as well. 
It doesn't happen right away, or, at least it didn't for me; it took me a couple of years (of sobriety) to get to a place where I could wake up daily and anticipate a good day. It's taken a lot of hard work (mostly emotional), tying up loose ends, getting rid of some distractions, honing my routine, and narrowing down my focus to some 'big' things.
And, for me, it wasn't possible to get to this point without some hard-won patience and learning to be ok with discomfort, and ... learning to delay gratification, which is the antithesis to what we're accustomed to doing as addicts.
It doesn't happen right away, or, at least it didn't for me; it took me a couple of years (of sobriety) to get to a place where I could wake up daily and anticipate a good day. It's taken a lot of hard work (mostly emotional), tying up loose ends, getting rid of some distractions, honing my routine, and narrowing down my focus to some 'big' things.
And, for me, it wasn't possible to get to this point without some hard-won patience and learning to be ok with discomfort, and ... learning to delay gratification, which is the antithesis to what we're accustomed to doing as addicts.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 937
These were all intense posts packed with clues and information. Thank you for your very thoughtful responses.
Some suggestions are action items: move to the ocean/buy a fixer upper; do a thing I love (woodworking) - thanks Andrew. Making these life changes impacted how you feel in your skin.
Many of you suggest letting go of expectations and trying to hover above life a bit by developing a sense of objectivity about the experience of life, and that by doing these things, you now feel peace of mind.
The initial response to my post suggested I should be happy for still breathing, and cultivate gratefulness for simple things (like having two legs). I am not trying to sound like a brat or disrespectful - I hope this place is safe to really be open without fear of judgment or condemnation as right now it's my only place to do so.
I know alcohol will not solve anything. I have made a choice to remain sober. Of course thoughts of having a drink cross my mind, but I have been doing the "urge surfing" and "playing the tape through to the end" and all of the myriad of tricks presented to get through those thoughts.
I don't expect a quick fix.
Some suggestions are action items: move to the ocean/buy a fixer upper; do a thing I love (woodworking) - thanks Andrew. Making these life changes impacted how you feel in your skin.
Many of you suggest letting go of expectations and trying to hover above life a bit by developing a sense of objectivity about the experience of life, and that by doing these things, you now feel peace of mind.
The initial response to my post suggested I should be happy for still breathing, and cultivate gratefulness for simple things (like having two legs). I am not trying to sound like a brat or disrespectful - I hope this place is safe to really be open without fear of judgment or condemnation as right now it's my only place to do so.
I know alcohol will not solve anything. I have made a choice to remain sober. Of course thoughts of having a drink cross my mind, but I have been doing the "urge surfing" and "playing the tape through to the end" and all of the myriad of tricks presented to get through those thoughts.
I don't expect a quick fix.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 937
Soberwolf, that's actually a great question. It's funny how I can be goal oriented when working for an employer, but not so much in my personal life. One short term goal is setting up economic security for myself as a woman, and not feeling as if I need to rely on any other human to provide for the basics - housing, transportation, etc. Sounds really elementary but for many women it isn't. I am actively taking steps to do so and in fact heard from a new employer today - the offer letter is forthcoming.
Second goal is sobriety, one day at a time, whatever that means.
Third goal is protecting and nurturing my 16 year old - his talents, his focus on academics, meeting his needs emotionally and physically.
Fourth goal is making a useful life for other humans - following up on the volunteer work for which I recently completed the first training class.
Other than those things, I suppose a "goal" would be trying to replace years of negative self-talk with at least neutral scripts.
Second goal is sobriety, one day at a time, whatever that means.
Third goal is protecting and nurturing my 16 year old - his talents, his focus on academics, meeting his needs emotionally and physically.
Fourth goal is making a useful life for other humans - following up on the volunteer work for which I recently completed the first training class.
Other than those things, I suppose a "goal" would be trying to replace years of negative self-talk with at least neutral scripts.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,578
Hi madgirl, sounds like you came up with a really great list of personal goals... I'll bet working toward those is bound to build happiness over time.
I'll also put in a plug for a gratitude practice. Research has shown we can intentionally strengthen the connections in our brain that experience things as positive. Taking a few minutes in the morning to actually hand write a few things I am grateful for ...often something simple like the color of the sky that morning, or a plant blooming in my yard... or the positive aspects of things I struggle with (like writing that I'm grateful for my paycheck, even on days when I'm not enjoying my job) ... this has made a huge difference in my mood and perception of my life.
I'll also put in a plug for a gratitude practice. Research has shown we can intentionally strengthen the connections in our brain that experience things as positive. Taking a few minutes in the morning to actually hand write a few things I am grateful for ...often something simple like the color of the sky that morning, or a plant blooming in my yard... or the positive aspects of things I struggle with (like writing that I'm grateful for my paycheck, even on days when I'm not enjoying my job) ... this has made a huge difference in my mood and perception of my life.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
A different perspective:
Meaning Is Healthier Than Happiness - The Atlantic
Happiness is what we search for; meaning or purpose is what we live for.
Meaning Is Healthier Than Happiness - The Atlantic
Happiness is what we search for; meaning or purpose is what we live for.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Georgia
Posts: 576
I am just coming up on 5 months. At the moment. There is really more of feeling of numbness guilt and anxiety. Anything beyond bed gives me tremors and nausea and a headache. Could be the daggum sleep deprivation too...I had slight trickles of happy a few times until a dr through a med at me..sent me right back to numbness and tremors. Right now. All I can do is eat and sleep to keep my sympathetic overdrive at bay..sometime soon I will be allowed a moment of happiness. Not sure if I am chasing happy or if a switch will come on that triggers a state of happy...right now to tired to know..
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Eastern Us
Posts: 1,366
Happiness is a feeling. As all feelings change I don't put much stock in felling happy. It is nice when I feel that way, but I fully know it won't last. These days I'm content with a life that "doesn't suck". For my life sucked indeed while I was boozing.
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
This is actually something I've been wanting to write a post about but haven't quite put it into words yet. I just hit ten months sober and finding happiness... like actually finding the feeling, not finding circumstances that make me happy... has been the biggest revelation of sobriety for me. I feel like I'd been listening to heavy metal music for years and years, like I could only hear screaming or silence. And then someone dumped me at a classical concert and at first it was just, what is this. I'm bored to tears. But over time I start to hear all these nuances and subtleties and it's so much richer and more beautiful than I imagined.
It's like I can feel my brain healing. The more that my pleasure circuits rewire away from Alcohol Is Happiness, the more I appreciate other kinds of happiness. Which people had told me when I started getting sober, and it kind of sounded like "You won't feel this happy again, but you'll be able to find consolation prizes". It sounded really boring. It isn't. More things make me happy, in more ways, than ever before. Same/same with other feelings... I know many different kinds of frustration or anger than I did when I was drowning my feelings. But it's all pretty amazing. I feel like my senses work better now.
I know a year sounds like a crazy amount of time but it grows steadily. 90 days was a big turning point for me, as was 6 months. The last month has also been really interesting... like I haven't quite turned a corner yet but I can feel it happening.
Before this year I knew interesting. I knew joy, and excitement, and adventure, etc. But "happy" is a more subtle thing that I'm learning about now.
It's like I can feel my brain healing. The more that my pleasure circuits rewire away from Alcohol Is Happiness, the more I appreciate other kinds of happiness. Which people had told me when I started getting sober, and it kind of sounded like "You won't feel this happy again, but you'll be able to find consolation prizes". It sounded really boring. It isn't. More things make me happy, in more ways, than ever before. Same/same with other feelings... I know many different kinds of frustration or anger than I did when I was drowning my feelings. But it's all pretty amazing. I feel like my senses work better now.
I know a year sounds like a crazy amount of time but it grows steadily. 90 days was a big turning point for me, as was 6 months. The last month has also been really interesting... like I haven't quite turned a corner yet but I can feel it happening.
Before this year I knew interesting. I knew joy, and excitement, and adventure, etc. But "happy" is a more subtle thing that I'm learning about now.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,554
Hi madgirl. What a great discussion you started.
I have little to add - but want you to know it took me a few months to begin to feel hope & joy. I had been drinking every day - completely dependent on it - so when I first quit I felt quite numb & zombie-ish. Of course, I was relieved & grateful to finally be sober - but I had to learn to live again, without my 'buffer'. I'm glad you wanted to talk it over - I definitely can relate to much of what you said & how you feel. Glad you are here.
I have little to add - but want you to know it took me a few months to begin to feel hope & joy. I had been drinking every day - completely dependent on it - so when I first quit I felt quite numb & zombie-ish. Of course, I was relieved & grateful to finally be sober - but I had to learn to live again, without my 'buffer'. I'm glad you wanted to talk it over - I definitely can relate to much of what you said & how you feel. Glad you are here.
NA Member - Atheist
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Middletown CT USA
Posts: 770
Every once in a while I meet a new person at a Narcotics Anonymous meeting, (sometimes at an AA meeting) and I ask them how long they have been clean.
Lots of them say they have 30, 60, 90 days clean/sober. My answer is always the same. "You must feel like crap then huh?"
I often felt like I had broken something and that I would never feel "normal" ever again.
Somewhere around 6 months I started to feel sort of OK. It's gotten progressively better since.
With guidance and direction and encouragement from experienced members, and by applying the steps I have slowly but surely been able to find peace and a sense that all feelings pass. I have learned that It's not realistic to be happy all the time, but at the same time I can be content and have a level of self acceptance and purpose in my life.
All this just takes time.
I really wouldn't have stuck around if all that recovery offered was the ability to stay clean. I was miserable with or without the drugs. Fortunately, recovery is a lot more than abstinence.
I vividly remember the first six months or so wondering when this thing called "recovery" was going to show up. As addicts/alcoholics we become used to instant gratification and instant results.
Over time I found that I had to do the "right things" over and over again when it didn't seem like anything was happening. If anything, my emotions could overwhelm me and I often felt hopeless.
Then one day I noticed that I hadn't thought about killing myself for a long time, and that the world looked a whole lot brighter. How did that happen?
Hang in there.
Lots of them say they have 30, 60, 90 days clean/sober. My answer is always the same. "You must feel like crap then huh?"
I often felt like I had broken something and that I would never feel "normal" ever again.
Somewhere around 6 months I started to feel sort of OK. It's gotten progressively better since.
With guidance and direction and encouragement from experienced members, and by applying the steps I have slowly but surely been able to find peace and a sense that all feelings pass. I have learned that It's not realistic to be happy all the time, but at the same time I can be content and have a level of self acceptance and purpose in my life.
All this just takes time.
I really wouldn't have stuck around if all that recovery offered was the ability to stay clean. I was miserable with or without the drugs. Fortunately, recovery is a lot more than abstinence.
I vividly remember the first six months or so wondering when this thing called "recovery" was going to show up. As addicts/alcoholics we become used to instant gratification and instant results.
Over time I found that I had to do the "right things" over and over again when it didn't seem like anything was happening. If anything, my emotions could overwhelm me and I often felt hopeless.
Then one day I noticed that I hadn't thought about killing myself for a long time, and that the world looked a whole lot brighter. How did that happen?
Hang in there.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,772
At about 3 months sober I was still feeling crappy and discontented. It was suggested that I start practicing gratitude every day. Find at least one thing/person/event to be thankful for. It was hard at first but I kept it up until it became a habit.
Now that I have an "attitude of gratitude", my whole perspective has changed. I no longer focus on the negative, but instead am focused on the positive. I credit being grateful for my happiness, as I realize just how blessed I truly am. Being grateful means that I take nothing for granted, but am thankful for everything I have and enjoy.
Now that I have an "attitude of gratitude", my whole perspective has changed. I no longer focus on the negative, but instead am focused on the positive.
I credit being grateful for my happiness, as I realize just how blessed I truly am. Being grateful means that I take nothing for granted, but am thankful for everything I have and enjoy. 
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