tomsteve

glad to see ya here.
i think i read pretty thoroughly but maybe i missed any psychological help with the depression?

Susurration

Hi tomsteve nice to meet you. The help with depression in something that I'm going to have go into the really real world to get For now just hearing from people has been a comfort.

tomsteve

i should have worded that "professional" help. it would be well worth it to seek the help. seems many alcoholics have depression in some form and we dont have to suffer with it in sobriety like we did when drinking.
sure helped me to stop the insanity in my melon that i couldnt stop.

CapeGirl

Welcome! I hope you mind has remained a little calmer. I hope you find some peace over the weekend.

Susurration

Thank you CapeGirl and yes my mind was calmer today which was a relief. I have the weekend off from work and I'm planning a few things to do that will hopefully give me the motivation to look foreward. Apart from reaching out to the counselling service nothing carved in stone I'm just going to give myself a little push and see where I go from there There was an informal meeting coffee afternoon set up by a handful of recovering addicts that I only attended a few times due to work commitments. I'm going to have to look and see if that's still going on. I'm sure I can rearrange my shifts accordingly without having to explain why.

Meraviglioso

This is so true! I always cringe a bit when I write out a cheery "Welcome! happy to have you!" Thinking, yes, welcome but also sorry, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy....

Do you have the possibility of going private- both in finding someone and the financial means to do so? I remember finding out the public assistance would take up to months and felt like I was at the end of my rope. I broke down in tears right there in the office.
I am going private now for my psychiatrist and my psychologist and it is an expense I can justify and will cut back in other areas to make happen, it is that important.

Meraviglioso

That sounds like a really good place to start. It will get you out of your house, among other people, particularly people who get what you are going through.

can I ask if you have any hobbies? Do you exercise at all? Just getting out for a walk or getting some sun can naturally lift the mood a little (don't punch me in the face ) I am not saying it is a cure all for severe depression, but anything, anything at all is a start, right?

Susurration

With that first sentence you have just proved to me something that I have always believed. That no matter how ill someone get's or has been the last thing to go is someones sense of humour! I think it's some sort of survival mechanism. With that aside though it is excellent advice and it's so true that these little things can sometimes make a great difference. Punch you in the face for giving sage advice I think not! It is a nice sunny day and I hope your in a position to fully enjoy it

However (there's always an however) one of the reasons I seriously need to get some help and why I've avoided getting it is this. I'm sure that very early on in your sessions you were asked the question 'can you remember the last time you were truly happy'. It can be a real tough one can't it and I can remember only one. I think I have already said that I had been suffering with depression long before I knew what it was. I thought that those awful thoughts and feelings were just me and that's the way it was. Looking back I realise I wasn't thinking at all, the illness was doing it all for me. Anyway back in 2000 my then partner and I separated which prompted me to go to the doctors because that was the kind of small hint that that I needed that something was not right. Judging from some of the experiences I've heard from other people I got lucky with the doctor that I saw that day. She was the first person to mention the D word in my presence and the dangerous road I was walking down with my reliance on alcohol. More importantly she assured me there was help available. Well by the time I left I was walking on air, it wasn't just me, I wasn't alone and there was a way out. I felt like a massive weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I know that's a cliche but it's a cliche for a reason (and that's a cliche in itself). It was a beautiful sunny day and for the first time I walked home with hope for the future. I was going to repair the damage that I had caused to my relationship and we were going to go off to a lifetime of castles in the clouds. Within half an hour of that meeting my (ex) partner told me that she had met someone else and it was all over. I smiled, left and had a massive mental breakdown. The end of our relationship wasn't the cause of the breakdown as some members of my family stupidly believed, except my Nan who turned out to be remarkably insightful. I was well on the way already it just happened to be the final straw at exactly the wrong time, then again when is a good time? So now that's what I associate feeling good with. If I do go out on a sunny day and I feel my mood lifting my mind rebels and the dark demon fills my mind with the most horrific self hatred you can imagine. All I want to do is crawl into a hole and cry my eyes out. Fear of being happy I'm sure there is a word for it I'll have to look it up. Cherophobia, good old google.

As I type this my mood is good (but not too good) the sun is shining, I have a nice cup of coffee and no strong desire to touch alcohol. If I could feel like this all the time I would be more than....er happy? But even now I'm guarding myself from allowing my mood to get too high because I know the better it gets the harder the inevitable fall.

Good grief I never realised before just how much I can waffle on.It's like I'm trying to pour out several years of thinking all in one go. The floodgates have opened and I've releases a monster. My sincerest apologies I can only assume that when it's all out my posts will become much much shorter. Hey there I'm good how are you? kind of thing

As for going private that's not an option at the moment as I only work part time at the moment but it is something to think about. I've just about managed to get this far with zero thoughts of being able to help myself. So I'm going to assume I can wait a little longer.

tomsteve

"Good grief I never realised before just how much I can waffle on.It's like I'm trying to pour out several years of thinking all in one go."

have ya ever opened up like this before?

Susurration

No never or at least not sober or withdrawing and it really does show doesn't it! Sorry about that.

Arpeggioh

If you find kind, welcoming, supportive words helpful at all toward your outlook, you couldn't have picked a better community to join! I'm only sorry it took you two years to find us; this is a wonderful place...

I look forward to reading more from you: your eloquent writing is a very enjoyable read!

tomsteve

dont be sorry!
i was thinkin you havent opened up before.
imo, its common to open up when people who relate are around.

fantail

Susurration, I'm so glad you're here (though of course not for the reasons that bring you). I also struggle heavily with depression; my first major episode was at 14 years old and it's been every few years from then on I have a bad go. It's incredibly difficult to live with. But you're witty and articulate, compassionate for others, and insightful about yourself. I appreciate you sharing these things with us. I hope that we can be helpful to you and I already feel that your sharing is helpful to me, so thank you.

Meraviglioso

You know what, this was about the least sensitive thing I could say though. I do have an experience with severe depression, I suppose I completely blocked it out. I suffered horribly from postpartum depression after the birth of my first son. At the time my house was heated by a wood fireplace- it was a fancy set up with hollow areas built in around the centre and then tubes taking hot air to other rooms- but it was November and I was freezing. the father told me to go get wood during the day, which was just down one flight of stairs and out a door, but he might as well as asked me to go to the moon to get it. The thought of that simple task was so overwhelming. I was so deep into my depression that I didn't even realise that is what it was until I finally opened up with a friend who also suffered. She recalled a time when a nurse came by to check on her and the baby and said "it is such a nice, sunny day, why don't you take the baby out for a walk and get some fresh air?" and she said she couldn't even wrap her mind around what it would take to get out of the house, much less walk down the front path and then further on amongst the real world for an actual walk. So yes, I really do understand that it is not so simple as just picking yourself up and getting out the door. In theory it is simple, in reality is is not.

I am glad to hear you had at least one person who understood you during that time, Nans can be very insightful, can't they? I am sure a therapist can help you with this and I hope you will get on the list. There is just no reason you have to go through life without being happy. You may have a hard time believing it now, but I do believe you can recover from this.

This is what this forum is for! Some people are more succinct and others, myself included, write a lot. Just take a quick look at my posts and you will see I am a fan of writing books. Others are too, it is just personal style and all styles are welcome!

All I can say is I am really sorry. I really and truly am. As I said above I hope you will secure your place on the waiting list.

Meraviglioso

Hey Sus (can I call you sus?) how are you feeling today? Please keep checking in when you have time. Did you get in touch with your coffee group? What about finding out about an appointment with a psychologist? I hope you are feeling even just the tiniest bit of hope and growth. Your strength is admirable.

Dropsie

I also suffered the type of depression you describe. I would not have survived without medication. its that simple.

I am obviously not a doctor, but I would discuss this with your doctor or psychiatrist. And I would not wait a year.