Heartbroken and lost
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 89
Heartbroken and lost
I'm back again, after more than a year's absence. I have been sober since 4th May, and it was going well, but suddenly it seems to have descended into a living hell.
I feel absolutely heartbroken and devastated, like I've lost someone very close to me, and the thought that I can never see them ever again is killing me. Of course, it's a not a person, it's alcohol.
I'm 27 years old, and I find myself jobless, single, penniless and mostly friendless (not because of alcohol by the way) and now to top it off, I've decided to throw away drinking. I feel like I've got nothing left. I've been reading the forums every day since quitting, and for the past week I've felt quite good, but today I feel like my world has collapsed. I have no fight left in me, I don't see any point to my life (I'm not suicidal though), and although I genuinely don't want to drink, I don't see the point in any of this.
I've lived my entire adult life with booze as I started drinking heavily at 15, and quite frankly, I have no idea how to live without it. I am terrified to continue to drink but equally terrified to live without it. I just want to cry and cry and cry but even that I think - what's the use?
I feel like I've failed, somehow - so many people my age and younger can have fun with alcohol, have fun with their friends, and get on with life. Why can't I? Why can't I be "normal"? The funny thing about it is, I'm quite an eccentric character, and the last thing I've ever wanted to be is normal, but in this, I wish I was. I wish I could have all the laughter and the fun without the nights when things get bad, when I take it too far, insult people I love and care about, embarrass myself, feel that evil, overwhelming anxiety than can take weeks to recover from. I wish I could have a few beers, enjoy the life, and then just get on. But almost every single time I take one drink, that's me lost for the night? the next two days? the next week? It's frankly unpredictable.
The worst part about it is I actually love the taste of wine and beer, I enjoy the fun and silliness than ensues after a few glasses or pints, but I can never leave it there. I have to push on and on and on, usually until I pass out. I am disgusted with my lack of self control, disgusted at some of my behaviors, and generally disgusted with myself.
I don't want to be this way, but I also don't want to be the idiot who sits there with a juice or a water and a slice because I can't control myself. I feel like a complete and utter failure. I feel like I've lost the life battle, and I don't know where I go from here.
I just don't know.
I feel absolutely heartbroken and devastated, like I've lost someone very close to me, and the thought that I can never see them ever again is killing me. Of course, it's a not a person, it's alcohol.
I'm 27 years old, and I find myself jobless, single, penniless and mostly friendless (not because of alcohol by the way) and now to top it off, I've decided to throw away drinking. I feel like I've got nothing left. I've been reading the forums every day since quitting, and for the past week I've felt quite good, but today I feel like my world has collapsed. I have no fight left in me, I don't see any point to my life (I'm not suicidal though), and although I genuinely don't want to drink, I don't see the point in any of this.
I've lived my entire adult life with booze as I started drinking heavily at 15, and quite frankly, I have no idea how to live without it. I am terrified to continue to drink but equally terrified to live without it. I just want to cry and cry and cry but even that I think - what's the use?
I feel like I've failed, somehow - so many people my age and younger can have fun with alcohol, have fun with their friends, and get on with life. Why can't I? Why can't I be "normal"? The funny thing about it is, I'm quite an eccentric character, and the last thing I've ever wanted to be is normal, but in this, I wish I was. I wish I could have all the laughter and the fun without the nights when things get bad, when I take it too far, insult people I love and care about, embarrass myself, feel that evil, overwhelming anxiety than can take weeks to recover from. I wish I could have a few beers, enjoy the life, and then just get on. But almost every single time I take one drink, that's me lost for the night? the next two days? the next week? It's frankly unpredictable.
The worst part about it is I actually love the taste of wine and beer, I enjoy the fun and silliness than ensues after a few glasses or pints, but I can never leave it there. I have to push on and on and on, usually until I pass out. I am disgusted with my lack of self control, disgusted at some of my behaviors, and generally disgusted with myself.
I don't want to be this way, but I also don't want to be the idiot who sits there with a juice or a water and a slice because I can't control myself. I feel like a complete and utter failure. I feel like I've lost the life battle, and I don't know where I go from here.
I just don't know.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 2,872
I can relate. I got to the point where I could neither live with drinking or live without it. The thing is, I went into withdrawal if I didn't drink. It was a living nightmare only calmed by more booze.
The fear, remorse and gut wrenching anxiety of the day after. What to do? Have a drink. A shooter of whiskey at 8am. Maybe a couple, then beer from there. A vicious cycle that I wouldn't wish on anyone.
I was never normal either. An eccentric who attracted people. Fun to be around until I became so drunk that I ruined it.
I can tell you, there's nothing in my life that booze ever helped and I drank for thirty years.
I've been sober over five years now, to everyone's disbelieve, and I'm still eccentric. People still like me. I can still have fun.
I hope you don't wait as long as I did to quit. Trust me, things will only get worse.
Best to you, and you're not alone.
The fear, remorse and gut wrenching anxiety of the day after. What to do? Have a drink. A shooter of whiskey at 8am. Maybe a couple, then beer from there. A vicious cycle that I wouldn't wish on anyone.
I was never normal either. An eccentric who attracted people. Fun to be around until I became so drunk that I ruined it.
I can tell you, there's nothing in my life that booze ever helped and I drank for thirty years.
I've been sober over five years now, to everyone's disbelieve, and I'm still eccentric. People still like me. I can still have fun.
I hope you don't wait as long as I did to quit. Trust me, things will only get worse.
Best to you, and you're not alone.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 133
Sounds like a great opportunity to me. You are young, single, not tied to a job. Ok you have very little money but money doesn't buy happiness. Work on yourself and good things will come your way. A new partner will be attracted to your sober bright eyed self, job opportunities will come as you open up and interact honestly with people. I wish you success!
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Super,
Welcome back.
First off, you are finishing detox. Your crave is ramped up.
Being in a drunken stupor is not reality. It is a fantasy world.
Your brain needs the drug. It is not for fun. It is physical.
Get through a month clean and then you will really feel what is going on in your brain.
You won't like it. It is motivation to quit.
My advice is find a full time job....any job. Minimum wage for now.
Then find a part time job. So you have no time left to worry about drinking.
Save your money. Take care of yourself. Get healthy.
Get back in school. Get a business degree. They are the most marketable.
Work hard, eat clean, sleep 8 hours a day, work out. Get well.
Life will get better. There is no easy path to success.
Being a drunk is like burying your head in the sand, spinning your wheels, flying a plane into a mountain....no happy ending.
Don't believe the hype.
Get clean. Change your life a bit. Stay clean.
Thanks.
Welcome back.
First off, you are finishing detox. Your crave is ramped up.
Being in a drunken stupor is not reality. It is a fantasy world.
Your brain needs the drug. It is not for fun. It is physical.
Get through a month clean and then you will really feel what is going on in your brain.
You won't like it. It is motivation to quit.
My advice is find a full time job....any job. Minimum wage for now.
Then find a part time job. So you have no time left to worry about drinking.
Save your money. Take care of yourself. Get healthy.
Get back in school. Get a business degree. They are the most marketable.
Work hard, eat clean, sleep 8 hours a day, work out. Get well.
Life will get better. There is no easy path to success.
Being a drunk is like burying your head in the sand, spinning your wheels, flying a plane into a mountain....no happy ending.
Don't believe the hype.
Get clean. Change your life a bit. Stay clean.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
the idiot who sits there with a juice or a water and a slice because I can't control myself
so i'm curious. when you look at OTHER people drinking water or juice do you automatically think THEY are IDIOTS who lack self control???
alcohol has you in it's grip right now. you talk about a liquid AS IF it were an important, living breathing HUMAN in your life. with all the other lack and loss in your life, this is the one you believe you can't live without.
quite the sales job, isn't it? the myth that alcohol is the great panacea, the thing that makes it all better. you've been drinking for over 12 years now............IS ANYTHING BETTER?
so i'm curious. when you look at OTHER people drinking water or juice do you automatically think THEY are IDIOTS who lack self control???
alcohol has you in it's grip right now. you talk about a liquid AS IF it were an important, living breathing HUMAN in your life. with all the other lack and loss in your life, this is the one you believe you can't live without.
quite the sales job, isn't it? the myth that alcohol is the great panacea, the thing that makes it all better. you've been drinking for over 12 years now............IS ANYTHING BETTER?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Bristol
Posts: 12
I can so relate! Unfortunately, I lost it today too, after 10days. But it's not the point. The thing is many started drinking because they struggled existing as they are. And in their case giving up, returning to normal is a difficult target. Not quite so appealing. I happened to mention before that at one point I intentionally stayed sober for 6 months but happiness or even basic peace with myself was never achieved. Alas. So yes, precisely, one doesn't know how to live without alcohol, even though that one knows that with it life can't go on either. Basically, to myself, I summed it up to "not knowing to live". Sad. (Btw, don't think ppl with juice are stupid! Not a bit. ) So wish someone hypnotised me and I lost the knowledge of what alcohol is at all, I don't want to THINK about it, don't want to drink it, don't want to be proud of not drinking it, just erase all the thoughts related to it altogether.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
I'm really glad to see you, SuperMario - but so sorry for the misery you're feeling right now.
I was feeling the same way when I quit. I'd relied on it my whole life to cope, relax, or have fun. I hardly knew how to live without being a bit numb or foggy. I was much older than you when I sought help, though. When I was 27 I still thought I could be a social drinker, and spent many years proving it could never happen. I'm glad you're seeing what needs to be done. I hope reading & posting here will help with the anxiety you're feeling.
I was feeling the same way when I quit. I'd relied on it my whole life to cope, relax, or have fun. I hardly knew how to live without being a bit numb or foggy. I was much older than you when I sought help, though. When I was 27 I still thought I could be a social drinker, and spent many years proving it could never happen. I'm glad you're seeing what needs to be done. I hope reading & posting here will help with the anxiety you're feeling.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 89
Just an FYI - no, I don't think people with juice etc are idiots, please don't think I'm saying these things about anybody other than myself, I never judge anybody else, this all about how I see myself, I'm ashamed and feel ashamed because I can't just take it or leave it. I can't handle people misreading my intentions right now, I don't judge anybody but me.
And thank you for the replies - I'm reading them over at the moment, and I look forward to replying. Thank you for reading this and taking the time to respond, you don't understand how much this helps already.
And thank you for the replies - I'm reading them over at the moment, and I look forward to replying. Thank you for reading this and taking the time to respond, you don't understand how much this helps already.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by Ghostlight1 
I can relate. I got to the point where I could neither live with drinking or live without it. The thing is, I went into withdrawal if I didn't drink. It was a living nightmare only calmed by more booze.
The fear, remorse and gut wrenching anxiety of the day after. What to do? Have a drink. A shooter of whiskey at 8am. Maybe a couple, then beer from there. A vicious cycle that I wouldn't wish on anyone.
I was never normal either. An eccentric who attracted people. Fun to be around until I became so drunk that I ruined it.
I can tell you, there's nothing in my life that booze ever helped and I drank for thirty years.
I've been sober over five years now, to everyone's disbelieve, and I'm still eccentric. People still like me. I can still have fun.
I hope you don't wait as long as I did to quit. Trust me, things will only get worse.
Best to you, and you're not alone.
The fear, remorse and gut wrenching anxiety of the day after. What to do? Have a drink. A shooter of whiskey at 8am. Maybe a couple, then beer from there. A vicious cycle that I wouldn't wish on anyone.
I was never normal either. An eccentric who attracted people. Fun to be around until I became so drunk that I ruined it.
I can tell you, there's nothing in my life that booze ever helped and I drank for thirty years.
I've been sober over five years now, to everyone's disbelieve, and I'm still eccentric. People still like me. I can still have fun.
I hope you don't wait as long as I did to quit. Trust me, things will only get worse.
Best to you, and you're not alone.
I hope this is the end of the boozing now, I can't go on this way. I'm not living up to my full potential and that makes me very sad.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by Everydaysabonus
Sounds like a great opportunity to me. You are young, single, not tied to a job. Ok you have very little money but money doesn't buy happiness. Work on yourself and good things will come your way. A new partner will be attracted to your sober bright eyed self, job opportunities will come as you open up and interact honestly with people. I wish you success!
Thank you for the positive message
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by D122y
Super,
Welcome back.
First off, you are finishing detox. Your crave is ramped up.
Being in a drunken stupor is not reality. It is a fantasy world.
Your brain needs the drug. It is not for fun. It is physical.
Get through a month clean and then you will really feel what is going on in your brain.
You won't like it. It is motivation to quit.
My advice is find a full time job....any job. Minimum wage for now.
Then find a part time job. So you have no time left to worry about drinking.
Save your money. Take care of yourself. Get healthy.
Get back in school. Get a business degree. They are the most marketable.
Work hard, eat clean, sleep 8 hours a day, work out. Get well.
Life will get better. There is no easy path to success.
Being a drunk is like burying your head in the sand, spinning your wheels, flying a plane into a mountain....no happy ending.
Don't believe the hype.
Get clean. Change your life a bit. Stay clean.
Thanks.
Welcome back.
First off, you are finishing detox. Your crave is ramped up.
Being in a drunken stupor is not reality. It is a fantasy world.
Your brain needs the drug. It is not for fun. It is physical.
Get through a month clean and then you will really feel what is going on in your brain.
You won't like it. It is motivation to quit.
My advice is find a full time job....any job. Minimum wage for now.
Then find a part time job. So you have no time left to worry about drinking.
Save your money. Take care of yourself. Get healthy.
Get back in school. Get a business degree. They are the most marketable.
Work hard, eat clean, sleep 8 hours a day, work out. Get well.
Life will get better. There is no easy path to success.
Being a drunk is like burying your head in the sand, spinning your wheels, flying a plane into a mountain....no happy ending.
Don't believe the hype.
Get clean. Change your life a bit. Stay clean.
Thanks.
Here's to beating this thing! And thanks for the brilliant message.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by Desultory
I can so relate! Unfortunately, I lost it today too, after 10days. But it's not the point. The thing is many started drinking because they struggled existing as they are. And in their case giving up, returning to normal is a difficult target. Not quite so appealing. I happened to mention before that at one point I intentionally stayed sober for 6 months but happiness or even basic peace with myself was never achieved. Alas. So yes, precisely, one doesn't know how to live without alcohol, even though that one knows that with it life can't go on either. Basically, to myself, I summed it up to "not knowing to live". Sad. (Btw, don't think ppl with juice are stupid! Not a bit. ) So wish someone hypnotised me and I lost the knowledge of what alcohol is at all, I don't want to THINK about it, don't want to drink it, don't want to be proud of not drinking it, just erase all the thoughts related to it altogether.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,496
When I finally stopped drinking I felt very ashamed too. I felt ashamed of what I'd become and I felt ashamed that I was different from everyone else. It took me some months to pull myself out of that place and I think it happened because I began to like the person I was. That was new for me. And, as I felt better about myself, I began listening to other people in my life, and I realized we all have something in our lives that we don't feel good about and it's okay. We're doing the best we can. SuperMario, you can do this and you can be the person you want to be.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by Hevyn
I'm really glad to see you, SuperMario - but so sorry for the misery you're feeling right now.
I was feeling the same way when I quit. I'd relied on it my whole life to cope, relax, or have fun. I hardly knew how to live without being a bit numb or foggy. I was much older than you when I sought help, though. When I was 27 I still thought I could be a social drinker, and spent many years proving it could never happen. I'm glad you're seeing what needs to be done. I hope reading & posting here will help with the anxiety you're feeling.
I was feeling the same way when I quit. I'd relied on it my whole life to cope, relax, or have fun. I hardly knew how to live without being a bit numb or foggy. I was much older than you when I sought help, though. When I was 27 I still thought I could be a social drinker, and spent many years proving it could never happen. I'm glad you're seeing what needs to be done. I hope reading & posting here will help with the anxiety you're feeling.
I'm going to visit here as often as I need to to fight this thing - even if it's every hour on the hour. I am determined this is not going to be my life.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by Anna
When I finally stopped drinking I felt very ashamed too. I felt ashamed of what I'd become and I felt ashamed that I was different from everyone else. It took me some months to pull myself out of that place and I think it happened because I began to like the person I was. That was new for me. And, as I felt better about myself, I began listening to other people in my life, and I realized we all have something in our lives that we don't feel good about and it's okay. We're doing the best we can. SuperMario, you can do this and you can be the person you want to be.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 444
Hi Super M
This is a tough time and your feelings are really normal at this stage of your drinking career.
I am glad for you that despite the toughness of this situation you are hitting it head on at a relatively young age. I was twice your age with many more wasted years than you but the feelings about myself were similar.
You will get past this and you will feel so much better. For me, sitting there with a non-alcoholic beverage is a reminder to myself that I have gotten so much stronger, that I have learned about myself, that i accept it and embrace it and that I am so much more proud of the new version of me.
Your self development as a sober person will take time and your true self will slowly reveal itself. You can do this and you will be better for it. There is no future in drinking for many of us and that doesn't have to be a social death sentence. I promise.
Best wishes to you.
Jonathan
This is a tough time and your feelings are really normal at this stage of your drinking career.
I am glad for you that despite the toughness of this situation you are hitting it head on at a relatively young age. I was twice your age with many more wasted years than you but the feelings about myself were similar.
You will get past this and you will feel so much better. For me, sitting there with a non-alcoholic beverage is a reminder to myself that I have gotten so much stronger, that I have learned about myself, that i accept it and embrace it and that I am so much more proud of the new version of me.
Your self development as a sober person will take time and your true self will slowly reveal itself. You can do this and you will be better for it. There is no future in drinking for many of us and that doesn't have to be a social death sentence. I promise.
Best wishes to you.
Jonathan
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,286
Hi SuperMario, congratulations for taking the first big step. Being sober is so much better. One of my favorite sayings is that there's nothing that alcohol can't make worse.
Alcoholism is a condition of the brain - for those of us who are alcoholics, a part of our brain is demanding more. Although it's not always easy, the more we say "no!" to the alcoholic voice, the better our lives can become.
Welcome back!
Alcoholism is a condition of the brain - for those of us who are alcoholics, a part of our brain is demanding more. Although it's not always easy, the more we say "no!" to the alcoholic voice, the better our lives can become.
Welcome back!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Just based on your OP, you sound like many people your age and are simply trying to figure out who you are or who you want to be "when you grow up". I don't mean that in an insulting way, I mean self identity. I would tell people all the time until I was 30 years old, "I'm not sure who I want to be when I grow up". Anyway, that was just my observation, it will come. Just don't drink, because that's not who you are. Right?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
Hi SM, I can relate to that feeling. Why can't I drink normally, why does this have to be my truth, etc. it's not something I have ever found a good answer to other than that's just how it is. And when I choose not to drink, my life is better. I'm sorry you are hurting but we here at SR understand how you feel and most of us have been there.
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