How many times?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,366
How many times?
How many times will it take to get this right? I am so sick of this destructive path. All my son wanted for his birthday was "no drinking" and I couldn't even do that. I can go one day without drinking, usually because I feel like crap and day two comes around and it's all I can think about. How did I become this way? My mind won't shut off. Always circling around. I don't know what to do anymore. I could have all the tools I need but still not use them. I can have a plan but not follow through with it. I know that I have to want to be sober more than I want to drink, and I feel like I do, but continue to drink. I have no friends. And I don't know if that's because I am an alcoholic or because of my husband. There's another thing going wrong, my marriage. When we or I am sober, we are so much closer. It's not perfect but better. But while drinking, things are a disaster. I am tired of being sick and tired. I feel like I have no joy left in me. I am sad, irritable, angry, depressed. And with no one to talk to. If I could go to an impatient facility, I would. I have no insurance, even when I did, I had a job. My doctor knows I have a problem, but didn't seem to help much, all she wanted to do was put me on an antidepressant. I don't want to be on prescriptions. I would much rather take a holistic/natural approach. I know I am rambling on but my heart hurts. Here's to another day 1 and trying to follow through with my plan. Thanks for reading.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
ironic how we can literally pour booze down our throats day in, day out and HATE it but if a doctor mentions any type of prescription that MIGHT just HELP, it's OH HELL NO, ain't putting THAT in MY body!!!
it sounds like it's time to SURRENDER.....to surrender to the FACT that you and alcohol do not mix. that you have an allergic reaction of sorts. and that recovering from that may take a broader multi-faceted approach in order FOR you to achieve a state of health in mind body and spirit.
it's time to play hard ball with this affliction. you mentioned you had a plan....can you share exactly what the plan entails?
it sounds like it's time to SURRENDER.....to surrender to the FACT that you and alcohol do not mix. that you have an allergic reaction of sorts. and that recovering from that may take a broader multi-faceted approach in order FOR you to achieve a state of health in mind body and spirit.
it's time to play hard ball with this affliction. you mentioned you had a plan....can you share exactly what the plan entails?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 228
This path is a very destructive one - that is very true.
There are some good anti-depressents out there; that will help you during your recovery process.
Next is finding a program that works for you. There are a lot of resources: this forum, AA ( biggest one in the world), smart recovery, rational recovery, religion, counselling etc.
One thing that stood out for me, is that you said you have no friends. Because of that, I would suggest AA. The people in the program can be very supportive, great friendships can be built in that program. I'm sure there are a lot of mothers that have been through and are going through a similar situation as you.
I don't really follow the AA program, but I did go to a meeting last night..after a long long time, and it was good for me.
There are some good anti-depressents out there; that will help you during your recovery process.
Next is finding a program that works for you. There are a lot of resources: this forum, AA ( biggest one in the world), smart recovery, rational recovery, religion, counselling etc.
One thing that stood out for me, is that you said you have no friends. Because of that, I would suggest AA. The people in the program can be very supportive, great friendships can be built in that program. I'm sure there are a lot of mothers that have been through and are going through a similar situation as you.
I don't really follow the AA program, but I did go to a meeting last night..after a long long time, and it was good for me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Nova Scotia
Posts: 801
It's a strange sickness we have, have you tried really fighting to say get 30 days under your belt and fight at all costs? Only reason I ask is it get's easier, I know in my own case the first week seemed impossible and then each day I grew stronger over the AV.
That is not to say our AV won't attach us, I am having a rough go with it today for no reason at all as everything is going excellent yet it is trying so hard to get me to have a few beers as my better half is away on business so to combat it I took all our vehicle keys to my neighbor who knows my story.
We have to be willing to go to all lengths to beat this addiction and always be mindful of what it was like.
Andrew
That is not to say our AV won't attach us, I am having a rough go with it today for no reason at all as everything is going excellent yet it is trying so hard to get me to have a few beers as my better half is away on business so to combat it I took all our vehicle keys to my neighbor who knows my story.
We have to be willing to go to all lengths to beat this addiction and always be mindful of what it was like.
Andrew
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
It will take as many times as it takes to get it right Jillian .
The self recrimination , the guilt , the sickness, i remember it .
Lots of people were hopeless but they are now here and sober.
None of us has any secret knowledge , i hardly know anything about life !
When i learned to ride a bike i fell off a lot , i didn't throw the bike in the hedge, lay on the ground flat on my back and not get up again . I wanted to ride more than anything .
Get back to it , keep on learning .
m
The self recrimination , the guilt , the sickness, i remember it .
Lots of people were hopeless but they are now here and sober.
None of us has any secret knowledge , i hardly know anything about life !
When i learned to ride a bike i fell off a lot , i didn't throw the bike in the hedge, lay on the ground flat on my back and not get up again . I wanted to ride more than anything .
Get back to it , keep on learning .
m
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Maybe it's time to stop trying to do all yourself and let others help you get started Jillian? Have you been to an AA meeting? Outpatient Rehab might be an option to seriously consider too, although you generally need to have at least a few sober days before they will let you enter. Even detox might be a real consideration if you can't even stay sober for a day. You could also consider seeing an alcohol and drug counselor.
Extraordinary problems require exraordinary measures. And I can almost guarantee that all the other problems you list ( marriage, no friends, etc ) will not improve until you stop drinking...alcohol ruins those things for a lot of us.
Extraordinary problems require exraordinary measures. And I can almost guarantee that all the other problems you list ( marriage, no friends, etc ) will not improve until you stop drinking...alcohol ruins those things for a lot of us.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hi Jillian
I'm on day 8 or many, many day 8's. I've been trying to quit and stay that way for 12 years. I achieved my first 1 yr in AA years ago, but since then have been pretty much trying to go it alone. Even made it 2 years. But here I am. Day 8. Again. Just last Wednesday I wanted to die.
Bottom line is, I can't do this with my thinking. Period. So its back to AA. I think I've fought AA because it actually works...and I know it. And I don't have to be a holy roller. As a matter of fact, that is completely missing the point. The program is spiritual.
I've been reading the Big Book again, for the 100th time, and now (unfortunately) it makes perfect sense. 12 years ago? Not so much. But I'm desperate and willing to do absolutely anything. The thought of never again does not bother me.
Your words? Directly from More About Alcoholism. With respect, you are there. I only stress the AA angle because I read your post last night (not literally but you're words, your fears, your absolute consternation "WHY?" are all there) in the Big Book.
AA may not be your bag but maybe just read the book. But if you're like me, you need help beyond the internet.
Hang in there.
I'm on day 8 or many, many day 8's. I've been trying to quit and stay that way for 12 years. I achieved my first 1 yr in AA years ago, but since then have been pretty much trying to go it alone. Even made it 2 years. But here I am. Day 8. Again. Just last Wednesday I wanted to die.
Bottom line is, I can't do this with my thinking. Period. So its back to AA. I think I've fought AA because it actually works...and I know it. And I don't have to be a holy roller. As a matter of fact, that is completely missing the point. The program is spiritual.
I've been reading the Big Book again, for the 100th time, and now (unfortunately) it makes perfect sense. 12 years ago? Not so much. But I'm desperate and willing to do absolutely anything. The thought of never again does not bother me.
Your words? Directly from More About Alcoholism. With respect, you are there. I only stress the AA angle because I read your post last night (not literally but you're words, your fears, your absolute consternation "WHY?" are all there) in the Big Book.
AA may not be your bag but maybe just read the book. But if you're like me, you need help beyond the internet.
Hang in there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,366
I have been on a few different antidepressants over the years, and don't like the way they make me feel. I know, it's crazy because I don't like the way alcohol makes me feel either, but I continue to drink it.
Andrew, that's a good idea, maybe I should commit to a 30 day challenge? I have gone 60+ days without drinking before but I guess I forgot what the addiction was like. I thought I could drink normally again. I quit logging in here reading mine and others posts. I am just fearful that after 30 days, I will go right back to where I am now. Hell, I couldn't even commit to a 30 day fitness challenge. Got to day 5 and quit. But I guess you could say that is mainly due to drinking.
If I don't stop this now, I will be miserable and lonely for the rest of my life. I want to be outgoing and have friends like I used to. I want to have a deeper relationship with my husband and children. I want to be sober. I want to be fit and healthy. It seems I want all these things but never commit to any of them. I start and then stop things. I quit college, I quit my job recently (to start a new business, now I am afraid I will quit that too), I quit exercising. Now that I am typing this out, I realize I should be able to QUIT DRINKING!
So my plan is to give AA another go around. Maybe find a different location that will suit me better, but until then, I AM PLANNING TO GO TODAY/TONIGHT.
Continue to read The Big Book and Twelve Steps
Find a therapist/counselor
Focus on my nutrition
Talk to my husband and children tonight about all this. I tend to stay to myself when I am struggling internally, they have no idea what goes through my brain.
I know this is going to be hard. What scares me is that I tend to give up on everything in my life. But I am also scared to continue drinking. I know we all die someday, but it terrifies me to think that I will go too soon. And also because I haven't yet done what God put me here to do. I can't be here to just drink my life away.
You all have been a tremendous help to me. I really appreciate you taking the time to read and giving your support. Without ya'll, I'd probably already be on the way to the store for beer.
Oh, and I was hoping the whole hypnosis thing would work. I tried it this morning. But that would be too easy.
Andrew, that's a good idea, maybe I should commit to a 30 day challenge? I have gone 60+ days without drinking before but I guess I forgot what the addiction was like. I thought I could drink normally again. I quit logging in here reading mine and others posts. I am just fearful that after 30 days, I will go right back to where I am now. Hell, I couldn't even commit to a 30 day fitness challenge. Got to day 5 and quit. But I guess you could say that is mainly due to drinking.
If I don't stop this now, I will be miserable and lonely for the rest of my life. I want to be outgoing and have friends like I used to. I want to have a deeper relationship with my husband and children. I want to be sober. I want to be fit and healthy. It seems I want all these things but never commit to any of them. I start and then stop things. I quit college, I quit my job recently (to start a new business, now I am afraid I will quit that too), I quit exercising. Now that I am typing this out, I realize I should be able to QUIT DRINKING!
So my plan is to give AA another go around. Maybe find a different location that will suit me better, but until then, I AM PLANNING TO GO TODAY/TONIGHT.
Continue to read The Big Book and Twelve Steps
Find a therapist/counselor
Focus on my nutrition
Talk to my husband and children tonight about all this. I tend to stay to myself when I am struggling internally, they have no idea what goes through my brain.
I know this is going to be hard. What scares me is that I tend to give up on everything in my life. But I am also scared to continue drinking. I know we all die someday, but it terrifies me to think that I will go too soon. And also because I haven't yet done what God put me here to do. I can't be here to just drink my life away.
You all have been a tremendous help to me. I really appreciate you taking the time to read and giving your support. Without ya'll, I'd probably already be on the way to the store for beer.
Oh, and I was hoping the whole hypnosis thing would work. I tried it this morning. But that would be too easy.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by Jillian2563 
Oh, and I was hoping the whole hypnosis thing would work. I tried it this morning. But that would be too easy.
But at the end of the day, getting sober is work - hard work. And it will take time - lots of time. The reward far outweighs either of those thigns though, because you are literally learning a new way of life that will last forever.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Nova Scotia
Posts: 801
Originally Posted by Jillian2563
Andrew, that's a good idea, maybe I should commit to a 30 day challenge? I have gone 60+ days without drinking before but I guess I forgot what the addiction was like. I thought I could drink normally again. I quit logging in here reading mine and others posts. I am just fearful that after 30 days, I will go right back to where I am now. Hell, I couldn't even commit to a 30 day fitness challenge. Got to day 5 and quit. But I guess you could say that is mainly due to drinking.
Unfortunately when it comes to children and their feelings I can all too well relate as I have been there and I regret today not listening to my children plead with me, I was a single parent however I do not beat myself up for those years, they are now both young adults with amazing careers so somehow I did something right but I do have many regrets.
I can also relate to thinking I could moderate again, many times I had two years plus in and thought a beer or two would be ok, boy was I wrong, every time I picked up where I left off and everything just became worse including the recovery.
Your plan looks good, I would encourage you on one thing based on my own experience and listening to others, we should be cautious making commitments to our better half, children, family and friends because we do not hold a crystal ball and we sometimes relapse, the way I managed to get my kids back in my life was by example, I didn't say a thing, they saw the changes in time and everything unfolded, it was a hellish wait but to me it's the best way to go as broken promises really cut deep.
all the best
Andrew
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,366
Originally Posted by ALinNS
Your plan looks good, I would encourage you on one thing based on my own experience and listening to others, we should be cautious making commitments to our better half, children, family and friends because we do not hold a crystal ball and we sometimes relapse, the way I managed to get my kids back in my life was by example, I didn't say a thing, they saw the changes in time and everything unfolded, it was a hellish wait but to me it's the best way to go as broken promises really cut deep.
I've made an appt to see a counselor on Friday. I almost hesitated because the first visit is $75, but then I came to my senses,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Eastern Us
Posts: 1,366
Jillian, I have found that the best way to stop drinking is... to stop drinking. Never pour that filthy stuff into that hole in your face. Never.
Now there are just so many better things to do, and learn. Many will tell you what worked for them to help them deal with life sober. But for me deciding to never drink and to never change my mind worked.
Now there are just so many better things to do, and learn. Many will tell you what worked for them to help them deal with life sober. But for me deciding to never drink and to never change my mind worked.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
Believe in yourself Jillian. Don't let alcohol dictate who you are any more. I was right in your shoes a while ago. I couldn't go for longer than 24 hours without drinking. All I wanted to do was to stop, for me and my family. I was scared, didn't know how to stop after 20 years of heavy drinking. I had no idea what a sober life was, or how to do it.
There is no easy way to do this, you've just got to make it happen. No matter what, you aren't going to drink today. You'll wake up tomorrow feeling proud, then start over and do it again. It gets easier with time, but you've got to accumulate that time.
You absolutely can get your life back Jillian. Stick close to SR.
There is no easy way to do this, you've just got to make it happen. No matter what, you aren't going to drink today. You'll wake up tomorrow feeling proud, then start over and do it again. It gets easier with time, but you've got to accumulate that time.
You absolutely can get your life back Jillian. Stick close to SR.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,426
Hi Jillian 
If I can recommend something - it's not to simply try what you did last time - look at your recovery programme - whatever it is - accept that it's not enough.
what can you add? Do you need more support? do you need to use your existing support more?
do you need to make lifestyle changes? is your social life all about alcohol?
are you self medicating for any reasons?
Looking at these kind of fundamentals can really help create real change - and different outcomes
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html
D
If I can recommend something - it's not to simply try what you did last time - look at your recovery programme - whatever it is - accept that it's not enough.
what can you add? Do you need more support? do you need to use your existing support more?
do you need to make lifestyle changes? is your social life all about alcohol?
are you self medicating for any reasons?
Looking at these kind of fundamentals can really help create real change - and different outcomes
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,366
Originally Posted by Dee74
Hi Jillian If I can recommend something - it's not to simply try what you did last time - look at your recovery programme - whatever it is - accept that it's not enough. what can you add? Do you need more support? do you need to use your existing support more? do you need to make lifestyle changes? is your social life all about alcohol? are you self medicating for any reasons? Looking at these kind of fundamentals can really help create real change - and different outcomes http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html D
If I can recommend something - it's not to simply try what you did last time - look at your recovery programme - whatever it is - accept that it's not enough. what can you add? Do you need more support? do you need to use your existing support more? do you need to make lifestyle changes? is your social life all about alcohol? are you self medicating for any reasons? Looking at these kind of fundamentals can really help create real change - and different outcomes http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html DMy life has revolved around beer for a while. Bringing with me or buying it wherever we go. I don't remember what life it like sober. I definitely have a long way to go and a lot of lifestyle changes. You'd be appalled at the amount of beer I've drank in my lifetime and where all I take it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 197
Jilian, I relate to so much of what you wrote. I am terrified of dying before getting in a long period of sobriety - not of dying from drinking (although I need to be scared of that too), just life ending before I get a year, two years, 10 years sober.
I read that a preoccupation with death is considered a characteristic of late/end stage alcoholism.
What about spending the time and money on impatient? I too quit a lot of what I start - exercise programs, diets, healthy routines, etc. If you invested the time and $$, that might make you mentally more committed.
I read that a preoccupation with death is considered a characteristic of late/end stage alcoholism.
What about spending the time and money on impatient? I too quit a lot of what I start - exercise programs, diets, healthy routines, etc. If you invested the time and $$, that might make you mentally more committed.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,040
Hi Jillian,
Lots of great advice above. Just wanted to send some positive thoughts your way. I have had many day ones in the past as well. I have not had any alcohol since NYE, and it really does get easier.
The first few weeks I needed to be vigilant about changing my evening routine to do something/anything else at the time I would normally pour my first glass of wine.
You really can do this, keep checking in here every day, and post before drinking and there will be many on here to help talk you out of it!!
❤️ Delilah
Lots of great advice above. Just wanted to send some positive thoughts your way. I have had many day ones in the past as well. I have not had any alcohol since NYE, and it really does get easier.
The first few weeks I needed to be vigilant about changing my evening routine to do something/anything else at the time I would normally pour my first glass of wine.
You really can do this, keep checking in here every day, and post before drinking and there will be many on here to help talk you out of it!!
❤️ Delilah
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