Jillian2563

That's interesting. I've never dwelled on death so much before, and now it's something that I can't seem to control. Constantly worrying about "what happens after this?" "What happens if I die and my son is still a child?" So many questions in my head that I don't want to think about. I just want to enjoy my life and feel good.

I feel better this morning, so far anyway. Glad I didn't drink last night. Since I couldn't go to AA I decided to read The Big Book before bed. I have my first counseling appt tomorrow. I have to stick to this.

sg1970

Hi Jillian,

Sorry to hear you are struggling.

I read your post about beer. I was a beer drinker too. I was a really committed beer drinker. I planned everything around it and made it my number one priority. Sadly even a priority over my kids. When I turned that around and made sobriety my number one priority I was able to sober up. Even though sometimes I didn't want to or was really busy I made getting to an AA meeting, getting on here, reading recovery books, etc... my new main priority. I spent so much time on recovery my job suffered a bit (even more than when I was drinking!) and it took more time away from my family but in the beginning that was what was required. Now my life is pretty balanced and I go to a couple of AA meetings a week because I want to. In the long run it was well worth it. Commit to it and soon you will be amazed by what life can be!!

Jillian2563

Thanks everyone for your support. Today I had thoughts of drinking while working in the hot sun, but when we were on the way home, both my husband and I committed to not drinking.

I haven't focused on my nutrition today, as planned, but I'm not going to beat myself up over it either. I have not eaten anything healthy today!

I told my husband about my appt tomorrow, he seemed concerned about the cost but I told him it's better than buying beer. We have some work to do tomorrow but it's only an hour with the counselor. I just feel like my AV is trying to get me to cancel the appt, especially since it's Friday. What's up with the association between Friday's/Saturday's with drinking anyway?

Another thing I was thinking about today. I used to be a daily pot smoker in my late teens/early twenties. I quit during a custody battle and it was tough at first. I remember day ones all the time. But it took me about 1-2 months to quit and that was it. Done. I've smoke here and there since then but not addictively. I don't crave it. I don't obsess over it. I do remember having dreams about smoking at one point. But I don't remember it being this hard (as alcohol) to quit. I've done other drugs too (cocaine, meth, and hate to admit it!) but have also quit those things. Hate the way they make me feel. Why can't I quit alcohol that easily? When will the "I hate the way it makes me feel" feeling come along where I just don't want to drink anymore?

Another sober day. Day 2 and stuffing my face.
Tomorrow it's back to protein/nutritional shake and planning healthy meals.

NickiJay

I understand your desperation. I am struggling with sobriety myself, but I have experienced cravings so intense I can do nothing but sit on the floor and cry. I am a career-minded, productive, and outgoing adult (at least outwardly), and the urge some of us feel is terrifying and brings us to our knees. You are not alone.

sg1970

I can't answer your questions on the pot use but I can definately relate.