I want an accountability thread
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 394
Excellent!! Congrats! Keep posting for us each day. We want to know how you're doing. I'm on here every day since I joined last week. And it keeps me going. (In a different way) I'm on the friends and family thread a lot.
I'm so sorry your husband is talking about divorce and that there is turmoil. I don't know, but for me, when I get close to (but never have) making a threat like that, it's just desperation talking. It can be hard to actually sift out why we feel the way we do. Emotions are tricky things. It takes a lot of intropection and energy to really cut out the truth and only express that core piece of how we feel. I don't want to make excuses for him, I want to tell you he shouldn't be saying that. If he wanted to leave he would have by now. He wants to be with you. He is just afraid of the drinking. Afraid of the bad things that happen.
My ABF doesn't ever say he's going to do a couple days sober or a month or anything. He just does. He is similar to you in the way he drink HARD and then sometimes goes a few days without. (I think that's what j read you post. Sorry if I'm wrong) well the point I wanted to make, when he starts a sober period, I feel a mounting force of anxiety and fear. "When is he gonna get wasted again?" "When I get home tonight, will I see that he has bought a bottle?"
It's a bit like a volcano itself. And sometimes I say the wrong things too. I hate myself for it. I know what he's going through is tough. As Im sure it is for you too, if not more so!
Keep us posted!
I'm so sorry your husband is talking about divorce and that there is turmoil. I don't know, but for me, when I get close to (but never have) making a threat like that, it's just desperation talking. It can be hard to actually sift out why we feel the way we do. Emotions are tricky things. It takes a lot of intropection and energy to really cut out the truth and only express that core piece of how we feel. I don't want to make excuses for him, I want to tell you he shouldn't be saying that. If he wanted to leave he would have by now. He wants to be with you. He is just afraid of the drinking. Afraid of the bad things that happen.
My ABF doesn't ever say he's going to do a couple days sober or a month or anything. He just does. He is similar to you in the way he drink HARD and then sometimes goes a few days without. (I think that's what j read you post. Sorry if I'm wrong) well the point I wanted to make, when he starts a sober period, I feel a mounting force of anxiety and fear. "When is he gonna get wasted again?" "When I get home tonight, will I see that he has bought a bottle?"
It's a bit like a volcano itself. And sometimes I say the wrong things too. I hate myself for it. I know what he's going through is tough. As Im sure it is for you too, if not more so!
Keep us posted!
Most of that is out of fear. I've excelled my whole life, yet after I had my child, after a year in, I just tanked. He's 5 now. And my "comfort" is alcohol. Not anything I did that made me successful in the past. And that is hard on my husband. Depression/alcoholism is so destructive. It has taken me a long time to get there, but I also see what I was capable of in the past. It seems SO HARD now, but being sober, it will seem like commonplace.
Also, an update on marriage:
Saturday, when I made the comments I think (or Sunday, the day after), he was just awful. He has since apologized profusely and admitted I didn't deserve them at that time. We both hold a lot of bitterness/resentment, but love too.
He even admitted via email concerning inheritance we received on his end that I WAS entitled to it because if he was single at the time, he would have received only 1/2. It has never been about money. It was always about what was fair and spoken. Yes, he was entirely legally entitled to that money, but he didn't make other accounts in the meantime (aka I get some sh*t legally), because we would use this stuff for retirement. That is what hurt. Him using what legally (and I blindly followed) he is allowed to do and so forth.
He are still together. We are actually creating a 529 account for our son using some of the shares from the inheritance and the money my son has received since birth. He also said (I kept the email but of course said it didn't mean crap as I profusely said my love for him in desperation) he would sign anything I want him to sign to have me backed up. Complete 360.
I don't know. I'm still wary. It makes me sick but I'll probably have him sign/separate stuff. I never wanted or expected that in a marriage (we do truly love each other. Been together since I was 20, him 25. 15 years now, married almost 11.). But Saturday was like, not in the name of alcohol, but making me wake up on protecting myself.
I have chronic depression and tend to isolate/draw back (though a fairly social/outgoing person), and I'm starting to see that again, even while sober. I know that it depression, not the drinking and it stems from these woes.
Thanks for the continued support. Just thought I'd provide an update.
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Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 83
Babescake
These fights right now are going to be very hurtful. And there's not much that can be done rigt away. I think you two will slowly find a new stride.
I once read that something like 90% of all married conflict is about money. Might not be statistically true, but most of the time money ends up making one person less powerful and the other more. It's a difficult thing in non-alcoholic relationships and it is only more complicated with Alcoholism. Keep patience and if you can have these conversations in short bits. I found for myself at least. If I keep the time talking about a sensitive topic to just a few minutes it prevents emotions from reachong a boiling point. Like 20minor more is very likely to turn into an argument (tense and strongly disagreeing) and then anything above 30minutes is almost guaranteed to be a fight. (Intense negative emotions showing in strong accusatory statements and blaming from both parties) but that's just us. And that's just one little thing you could try. So if you notice you guys normally get tense around the 5minute mark. Try keep it to a max of 10. This number won't be the same for everyone and it won't be the same through changes and stages. I don't really know if this is even going to be of any help. It's just one tiny thing I've tried.
I hear what you're saying about your depression. I know a few people with depression. It can definitely cause you to sort of get inside yourself and not be open. I think this is when a depressed person needs MOST not to be alone. Do you have a support system, either in a friend or a sponsor in an AA group? I believe a lot of As have depression and they self medicate with alcohol. You might find someone who has been through very similar things as you. Or you know always keep posting, we're here too ;-)
Keep taking it one day at a time
Keep coming back
You can do this
This can happen
I once read that something like 90% of all married conflict is about money. Might not be statistically true, but most of the time money ends up making one person less powerful and the other more. It's a difficult thing in non-alcoholic relationships and it is only more complicated with Alcoholism. Keep patience and if you can have these conversations in short bits. I found for myself at least. If I keep the time talking about a sensitive topic to just a few minutes it prevents emotions from reachong a boiling point. Like 20minor more is very likely to turn into an argument (tense and strongly disagreeing) and then anything above 30minutes is almost guaranteed to be a fight. (Intense negative emotions showing in strong accusatory statements and blaming from both parties) but that's just us. And that's just one little thing you could try. So if you notice you guys normally get tense around the 5minute mark. Try keep it to a max of 10. This number won't be the same for everyone and it won't be the same through changes and stages. I don't really know if this is even going to be of any help. It's just one tiny thing I've tried.
I hear what you're saying about your depression. I know a few people with depression. It can definitely cause you to sort of get inside yourself and not be open. I think this is when a depressed person needs MOST not to be alone. Do you have a support system, either in a friend or a sponsor in an AA group? I believe a lot of As have depression and they self medicate with alcohol. You might find someone who has been through very similar things as you. Or you know always keep posting, we're here too ;-)
Keep taking it one day at a time
Keep coming back
You can do this
This can happen
Accountability threads are great! Personally I post in the 24 hour connections thread daily, and it's become a journal of sorts in that you can search your own username and read a history of your posts.
Like you, I have had trouble saying NO in social situations. Been told on here (SR) and in AA that I should stay away from social situations for a bit, but that would cause even more questions among family and friends. Lately I have been trying to just day no; that should be sufficient, but if pressed I fall back on the old medication interactions excuse. Wish I could be more honest, but like you've said, forever is a daunting number, and I am concerned if I get on a "high horse" that failure will not only be ugly, but public as well.
So don't beat yourself up over slips...for me, when I slipped, the thought of having to reset the counter only makes made want to go on a major bender, so I stick to the date I decided that I WANTED to quit and went to my first AA meeting...that is what I consider the start of my sobriety journey.
Good luck and stay strong 💪
Like you, I have had trouble saying NO in social situations. Been told on here (SR) and in AA that I should stay away from social situations for a bit, but that would cause even more questions among family and friends. Lately I have been trying to just day no; that should be sufficient, but if pressed I fall back on the old medication interactions excuse. Wish I could be more honest, but like you've said, forever is a daunting number, and I am concerned if I get on a "high horse" that failure will not only be ugly, but public as well.
So don't beat yourself up over slips...for me, when I slipped, the thought of having to reset the counter only makes made want to go on a major bender, so I stick to the date I decided that I WANTED to quit and went to my first AA meeting...that is what I consider the start of my sobriety journey.
Good luck and stay strong 💪
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 83
That is so good. Sticking to the date you decided to go sober and the date you went to your first AA meeting is one of the best things I've read on here!!!! Right. Coz it's journey!!! Precisely!!!
Although I also can see the value in the days without drink cou the because of the pride and happiness it will bring.
Can I ask how many days you are at Babescake?
Although I also can see the value in the days without drink cou the because of the pride and happiness it will bring.
Can I ask how many days you are at Babescake?
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Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 83
IronPhoenix
IronPhoenix, what type of things can a person put into this type of plan? Can you give some examples that can be used or built on?
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 83
Babescake
I found a link from other recovery posts on here. And this seemed relevant:
"Similar to other chronic, relapsing diseases, such as diabetes, asthma, or heart disease, drug addiction can be managed successfully. And as with other chronic diseases, it is not uncommon for a person to relapse and begin abusing drugs again. Relapse, however, does not signal treatment failure—rather, it indicates that treatment should be reinstated or adjusted or that an alternative treatment is needed to help the individual regain control and recover."
DONT lose steam. Keep trying to find your path. Your plan. Your perfect combination of solutions. And it might change over time too. So never think things are stuck the way they are. (Maybe I'm making assumptions)
Hope you're well
NR
"Similar to other chronic, relapsing diseases, such as diabetes, asthma, or heart disease, drug addiction can be managed successfully. And as with other chronic diseases, it is not uncommon for a person to relapse and begin abusing drugs again. Relapse, however, does not signal treatment failure—rather, it indicates that treatment should be reinstated or adjusted or that an alternative treatment is needed to help the individual regain control and recover."
DONT lose steam. Keep trying to find your path. Your plan. Your perfect combination of solutions. And it might change over time too. So never think things are stuck the way they are. (Maybe I'm making assumptions)
Hope you're well
NR
Natasha -
Everyone's plan is different but here is some of mine:
- I go to counseling sessions every 2 - 3 weeks (This is like going to a personal trainer, I don't want to disappoint my counselor by not showing up or by not putting in the work in between sessions)
- I have changed my daily routine around typical drinking times by exercising or cooking.
- I am participating in challenges to lose weight and get healthy.
- I do not go to AA meetings but I did read all of the material and have applied what is relevant to me.
- I have learned coping skills to apply in most any social situation that may present itself.
- I check into this site everyday and post any advice or encouragement that I can.
- I do competition BBQ so I have been really focused on perfecting that craft.
Your plan can be tweaked and adjusted as needed. I would recommend finding a new hobby or something you always wanted to do (like play the drums/acting/rock climb/) and use that to help keep you focused and busy.
Always mentally prepare yourself before entering in any social situations where drinking may be involved and know your 'outs' if needed.
I could keep going but you get the gist - having that framework in place gives you multiple areas to pull from and keep you focused on your goal of sobriety.
Everyone's plan is different but here is some of mine:
- I go to counseling sessions every 2 - 3 weeks (This is like going to a personal trainer, I don't want to disappoint my counselor by not showing up or by not putting in the work in between sessions)
- I have changed my daily routine around typical drinking times by exercising or cooking.
- I am participating in challenges to lose weight and get healthy.
- I do not go to AA meetings but I did read all of the material and have applied what is relevant to me.
- I have learned coping skills to apply in most any social situation that may present itself.
- I check into this site everyday and post any advice or encouragement that I can.
- I do competition BBQ so I have been really focused on perfecting that craft.
Your plan can be tweaked and adjusted as needed. I would recommend finding a new hobby or something you always wanted to do (like play the drums/acting/rock climb/) and use that to help keep you focused and busy.
Always mentally prepare yourself before entering in any social situations where drinking may be involved and know your 'outs' if needed.
I could keep going but you get the gist - having that framework in place gives you multiple areas to pull from and keep you focused on your goal of sobriety.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 394
Still going along and being strong. I've read this board every day, I'm just not always logged in or commenting. Now, I'm worried about PAWS. I've lucked out with physical withdrawals (not having any, mainly because still in the binge stage), but I've suffered from clinical depression for years, so I'm worried that combined with PAWS will make me regress. I'm feeling better and really am apprehensive for months ahead. I'd like to just be able to stay sober and worry about life issues (I have enough) without added complications that I thought I'd leave behind once quitting. Chronic depression is hard enough to tunnel through without alcohol, and knowing that I could have additional feelings compounded on top of my mental illness makes me feel crazy. The depression alone interferes with my life enough (the drinking just intensified it, and this is the main reason I've quit drinking: to help my depression), and I'm just feeling frustrated knowing that despite hard work and quitting, I might still have to suffer consequences.
I'm okay dealing with emotions, I've never squelched those even drinking (I am sober way more than not), but my mental health is a delicate balance. I'd like to know that since I'm not drinking, my medicine is adjusted and I'm taking care of myself properly (sleep, diet, exercise, stress, recovery), that I'm actually going to be and STAY better by doing the right things.
It is just frustrating knowing that I can't control effects from alcoholism, even way after I quit. I already can't control my depression (and this is hard for me, overachiever/perfectionist until all this set in), but knowing you're doing everything right and still might feel worse is disconcerting. Drugs/alcohol really are a poison. I mean, you go to all means necessary to quit and then as a reward you're afflicted with extreme duress. I can't wait.
I'm okay dealing with emotions, I've never squelched those even drinking (I am sober way more than not), but my mental health is a delicate balance. I'd like to know that since I'm not drinking, my medicine is adjusted and I'm taking care of myself properly (sleep, diet, exercise, stress, recovery), that I'm actually going to be and STAY better by doing the right things.
It is just frustrating knowing that I can't control effects from alcoholism, even way after I quit. I already can't control my depression (and this is hard for me, overachiever/perfectionist until all this set in), but knowing you're doing everything right and still might feel worse is disconcerting. Drugs/alcohol really are a poison. I mean, you go to all means necessary to quit and then as a reward you're afflicted with extreme duress. I can't wait.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 394
Yes Dee, I have. I have been on depression medication since I was 20 (age 35 now), without ever stopping. I adjusted through pregnancy, but I've never been off my medication. I also have a sleep disorder, diagnosed at age 14, never been off meds. I've seen my psychiatrist religiously for 15 years, also counseling on/off periodically for years.
The reason I'm trying/AM quitting drinking is mainly because of my depression. I started drinking in excess, instead of going through my usual coping mechanisms, when dealing with a hormonal imbalance after giving up breastfeeding and not ramping up my anti-depressants quick enough (I had adjusted to very low levels because I was pregnant, had a child. However, it was decided between me/drs. that I must remain on something. I struggled for years to get off meds before getting pregnant, but realized I have chronic depression and it would be more of a detriment to myself/child going off meds than staying on. Tough reality.)
For me, depression has always been first. Alcohol has helped make me feel better, and after awhile, has hurt and hindered any progress.
This is why I'm not drinking.
The reason I'm trying/AM quitting drinking is mainly because of my depression. I started drinking in excess, instead of going through my usual coping mechanisms, when dealing with a hormonal imbalance after giving up breastfeeding and not ramping up my anti-depressants quick enough (I had adjusted to very low levels because I was pregnant, had a child. However, it was decided between me/drs. that I must remain on something. I struggled for years to get off meds before getting pregnant, but realized I have chronic depression and it would be more of a detriment to myself/child going off meds than staying on. Tough reality.)
For me, depression has always been first. Alcohol has helped make me feel better, and after awhile, has hurt and hindered any progress.
This is why I'm not drinking.
Hi Babescake, maybe your depression will ease up a bit once alcohol is out of your life. As you probably know, alcohol is a depressant and I was pretty depressed when I was drinking every day and dealing a crappy marriage. Good for you, taking charge of your life and holding yourself accountable. That's very impressive.
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