advice for the anger
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 74
advice for the anger
hi everyone, i need some advice for what i can only describe as "the angry phase".
my last quit (which was my first attempt. alone, uneducated), i survived hell week and the next 2-4 weeks were pretty good. then around early week 5, day 30ish, i noticed a new symptom emerge. i began having these bouts of anger. serious anger. borderline rage. no patience. short fuse. all internally though. i knew it was just a symptom of the quit, i was prepared (or so i thought) to walk through it carefully/cautiously, keep my eye on it, keep it in check. i never ever once lashed out at my family or friends during them. i knew they did nothing wrong and i was very cognizant about not taking my internal frustration out on them. and i still talked to them about this anger i'd feel inside, so it wasn't like i kept it completely pinned up either.
internally though... O.M.G.. the simplest of simple would make my blood BOIL. i mean crazy simple stuff. the two i remember most.. the ice dispenser in my fridge door dropped another ice cube after i had released the button. i sincerely wanted to rip the doors off and body slam the fridge. a step ladder.. i was strapping a decoration to a tree, i couldn't get it attached just right, i probably would have swung that ladder like a baseball bat into the street if i hadn't been concerned about the neighbors witnessing it. lol funny to me now, awful back then.
i was always a happy drinker. never fought. always laughed. always patient. good family. great wife. all good. but i wondered if maybe alcohol subdued that natural angry emotion and now sober it finally had a chance to process it normally, albeit at first it's wayyy off balance. who knows. i just know it arrived with brute force.
the anger episodes continued to build that week and i finally relapsed on day 37, barely a week into that phase.
6 months later i finally scrape myself back up, i'm 28 days sober now. yesterday and today... it's clear as day, the anger phase has reappeared.
i'm really scared about it. this time it's much more intense than the first quit. i seriously almost relapsed yesterday but THANK GOD there was an AA meeting starting in 90 minutes (and an excellent timely private message from a friend on here
) so i was saved by the bell. today has been another battle.
when it appears, i do as AA and outpatient taught me, i pause and do a self assessment, i pay attention to it, try to learn from it so i catch it next time and know how to handle it. easier said than done. but i see it begins as just an overall frustration about the whole situation, the mission at hand, and it doesn't subside as "quickly" as regular temptations/urges. it bottles up, then it builds and builds til it brings me to the point i'm inches away from full blown angry inside. it's a horrible place to be, it's extremely hard to escape, i try DEADS as hard as i can but none of it seems to strike any nerves. i think of all the reasons i'm quitting, but they don't carry any weight when i'm in that state. it's like i know all the reasons why i shouldn't drink, but i don't care about any of them when i'm consumed by this mood.
since AA isn't a 24 hour service (how i wish!), has anyone else on here been through a similar phase and offer any advice how you were able to get through it? at a mental level. "just stay busy" or "distract yourself" hasn't been very effective. first problem is i drank doing everything so it's always there. and second, biggest problem, is when i'm so angry/frustrated like that, i can't find motivation to do anything on my relapse prevention list, and i'm too frustrated to think of anything else to do period. basically sit there and rot. it's not good, should be simple fix, make yourself do it. i have no explanation.
i go to AA every day and intensive outpatient 3 nights/week. i certainly do plan to bring this up at tomorrow's meetings. just curious if anyone else went through this. i mentioned it here during my first quit and some responses said it was basically the last big hurdle in their quit, one of - if not - the hardest, and generally subsided around day 90. if this is going to last 60 more days i need to arm up with as much as possible. think i better get a sponsor now too.
thanks in advance. sorry for the long post.
my last quit (which was my first attempt. alone, uneducated), i survived hell week and the next 2-4 weeks were pretty good. then around early week 5, day 30ish, i noticed a new symptom emerge. i began having these bouts of anger. serious anger. borderline rage. no patience. short fuse. all internally though. i knew it was just a symptom of the quit, i was prepared (or so i thought) to walk through it carefully/cautiously, keep my eye on it, keep it in check. i never ever once lashed out at my family or friends during them. i knew they did nothing wrong and i was very cognizant about not taking my internal frustration out on them. and i still talked to them about this anger i'd feel inside, so it wasn't like i kept it completely pinned up either.
internally though... O.M.G.. the simplest of simple would make my blood BOIL. i mean crazy simple stuff. the two i remember most.. the ice dispenser in my fridge door dropped another ice cube after i had released the button. i sincerely wanted to rip the doors off and body slam the fridge. a step ladder.. i was strapping a decoration to a tree, i couldn't get it attached just right, i probably would have swung that ladder like a baseball bat into the street if i hadn't been concerned about the neighbors witnessing it. lol funny to me now, awful back then.
i was always a happy drinker. never fought. always laughed. always patient. good family. great wife. all good. but i wondered if maybe alcohol subdued that natural angry emotion and now sober it finally had a chance to process it normally, albeit at first it's wayyy off balance. who knows. i just know it arrived with brute force.
the anger episodes continued to build that week and i finally relapsed on day 37, barely a week into that phase.
6 months later i finally scrape myself back up, i'm 28 days sober now. yesterday and today... it's clear as day, the anger phase has reappeared.
i'm really scared about it. this time it's much more intense than the first quit. i seriously almost relapsed yesterday but THANK GOD there was an AA meeting starting in 90 minutes (and an excellent timely private message from a friend on here
) so i was saved by the bell. today has been another battle. when it appears, i do as AA and outpatient taught me, i pause and do a self assessment, i pay attention to it, try to learn from it so i catch it next time and know how to handle it. easier said than done. but i see it begins as just an overall frustration about the whole situation, the mission at hand, and it doesn't subside as "quickly" as regular temptations/urges. it bottles up, then it builds and builds til it brings me to the point i'm inches away from full blown angry inside. it's a horrible place to be, it's extremely hard to escape, i try DEADS as hard as i can but none of it seems to strike any nerves. i think of all the reasons i'm quitting, but they don't carry any weight when i'm in that state. it's like i know all the reasons why i shouldn't drink, but i don't care about any of them when i'm consumed by this mood.
since AA isn't a 24 hour service (how i wish!), has anyone else on here been through a similar phase and offer any advice how you were able to get through it? at a mental level. "just stay busy" or "distract yourself" hasn't been very effective. first problem is i drank doing everything so it's always there. and second, biggest problem, is when i'm so angry/frustrated like that, i can't find motivation to do anything on my relapse prevention list, and i'm too frustrated to think of anything else to do period. basically sit there and rot. it's not good, should be simple fix, make yourself do it. i have no explanation.
i go to AA every day and intensive outpatient 3 nights/week. i certainly do plan to bring this up at tomorrow's meetings. just curious if anyone else went through this. i mentioned it here during my first quit and some responses said it was basically the last big hurdle in their quit, one of - if not - the hardest, and generally subsided around day 90. if this is going to last 60 more days i need to arm up with as much as possible. think i better get a sponsor now too.
thanks in advance. sorry for the long post.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 74
Originally Posted by thomas11 
I had anger issues. They were worse when drinking. I take 10mg Paxil daily and they went away. Been on it for 12 years now and it changed my life. Not sure if that helps you in any way.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Yeah, I can't take SSRIs - not even once.
Is there some past trauma or childhood issue that needs to be resolved? I'm not asking you to discuss it if you don't want to, but it could have a connection. I know I drank away a lot of feelings, and certainly anger/rage were issues I needed to find better ways to deal with.
Exercise worked the best for me - that and the Serenity Prayer on a continuous loop in my brain. All the uncomfortable emotions do pass. Hang on, it's worth it. Quietly ask for peace from what ails you. I know that's what I still do when I get squirrely.
Is there some past trauma or childhood issue that needs to be resolved? I'm not asking you to discuss it if you don't want to, but it could have a connection. I know I drank away a lot of feelings, and certainly anger/rage were issues I needed to find better ways to deal with.
Exercise worked the best for me - that and the Serenity Prayer on a continuous loop in my brain. All the uncomfortable emotions do pass. Hang on, it's worth it. Quietly ask for peace from what ails you. I know that's what I still do when I get squirrely.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,243
Most sponsors in AA tell sponsees that if their legitimately in danger of drinking they can call 24/7. My sponsor told me this and I told my sponsees this. Because I called my sponsor every day during the first year and worked the steps I never got to this point. The steps helped me to see my part in my problems and helped me to curtail my anger.
Yes indeed if you don't have a sponsor why not give the whole program a shot. Going to meetings is not enough to reap all the benefits.
Yes indeed if you don't have a sponsor why not give the whole program a shot. Going to meetings is not enough to reap all the benefits.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 74
Originally Posted by biminiblue
Yeah, I can't take SSRIs - not even once.
Is there some past trauma or childhood issue that needs to be resolved? I'm not asking you to discuss it if you don't want to, but it could have a connection. I know I drank away a lot of feelings, and certainly anger/rage were issues I needed to find better ways to deal with.
Exercise worked the best for me - that and the Serenity Prayer on a continuous loop in my brain. All the uncomfortable emotions do pass. Hang on, it's worth it. Quietly ask for peace from what ails you. I know that's what I still do when I get squirrely.
Is there some past trauma or childhood issue that needs to be resolved? I'm not asking you to discuss it if you don't want to, but it could have a connection. I know I drank away a lot of feelings, and certainly anger/rage were issues I needed to find better ways to deal with.
Exercise worked the best for me - that and the Serenity Prayer on a continuous loop in my brain. All the uncomfortable emotions do pass. Hang on, it's worth it. Quietly ask for peace from what ails you. I know that's what I still do when I get squirrely.
i can't believe i forgot about exercise. too busy being frustrated i guess. it was extremely helpful last time i quit. i'll definitely get that going again immediately. thanks.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 74
Originally Posted by Dime
Most sponsors in AA tell sponsees that if their legitimately in danger of drinking they can call 24/7. My sponsor told me this and I told my sponsees this. Because I called my sponsor every day during the first year and worked the steps I never got to this point. The steps helped me to see my part in my problems and helped me to curtail my anger.
Yes indeed if you don't have a sponsor why not give the whole program a shot. Going to meetings is not enough to reap all the benefits.
Yes indeed if you don't have a sponsor why not give the whole program a shot. Going to meetings is not enough to reap all the benefits.
Just a Girl Trying to Make It...
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 207
One of my counselors has me ground myself when this happens, it sounds odd but it worked. I start listing of things around me, like "I am wearing a blue shirt. That towel is red..." and after I start listing a few things around me I calm down. Yoga breathing helps, too 
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Join Date: Sep 2015
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Originally Posted by Flawed
One of my counselors has me ground myself when this happens, it sounds odd but it worked. I start listing of things around me, like "I am wearing a blue shirt. That towel is red..." and after I start listing a few things around me I calm down. Yoga breathing helps, too
thanks. definitely adding this to the toolbox.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Originally Posted by picturebigger
maybe. i'm hoping it's just a phase of early sobriety first, and goes away naturally with time. sort of nervous about asking for any meds yet. if they don't work or introduce a side effect then i'm troubleshooting one of two issues unsure which one it's from. i'll give it time and keep it in mind for sure though. thanks.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
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I have used the method Flawed describes when I am overwhelmed with anxiety. I list 5 things that I can smell, 5 things I can feel, etc and somehow it breaks the anxiety circuit and calms me. And, I believe it also works for anger issues. It brings you back into your physical body and grounds you.
I think exercise is important and I think doing things for fun is important. Make time for yourself.
And, one thing that worked for me when I was having anger issues was to journal. I grabbed a pen and wrote and wrote until the anger subsided. It was as if I was letting go of the thoughts.
I think exercise is important and I think doing things for fun is important. Make time for yourself.
And, one thing that worked for me when I was having anger issues was to journal. I grabbed a pen and wrote and wrote until the anger subsided. It was as if I was letting go of the thoughts.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,243
Originally Posted by picturebigger
how do you get one? do you just bring it up in your local meeting and someone will volunteer? or do you have to contact the district office or something?
Other AA meeting usually will not do this. If you don't know anybody I would tell the chairperson before or after the meeting that you are in need of a sponsor and they should assist you. If you don't have any luck with one meeting try another as the number of people able and willing will vary from club to club.
Definitely worth a shot as nothing worked for me until I decided to give AA an honest effort. 8 yrs later I'm still sober.
Good Luck!!
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
I was very emotionally volatile in early sobriety. Big, huge mood swings. It has calmed way, way down. 90 days definitely was a magic number, 6 months was another.
I second exercise for when the feelings hit. Outdoor exercise in particular. I'll walk or bicycle around and around the city until it leaves my system. I find this works for all overwhelming feelings, sadness, anger, anxiety. On a bad day it might take a few hours but usually much less than that. For me it's the combination of exercise, fresh air, and crossing paths with strangers. It all conspires to get me out of my head.
I second exercise for when the feelings hit. Outdoor exercise in particular. I'll walk or bicycle around and around the city until it leaves my system. I find this works for all overwhelming feelings, sadness, anger, anxiety. On a bad day it might take a few hours but usually much less than that. For me it's the combination of exercise, fresh air, and crossing paths with strangers. It all conspires to get me out of my head.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Hi. The anger will (if you work the steps) get better over time, as you deal with underlying stuff, and become more confident at using some of these new strategies and they become part of your life.
I use the senses medutation Anna mentioned. Another very simple and quick meditative technique I learned a couple of weeks ago, is slow and steady breath in (thinking, God In) and slow steady breath out (Anger out) repeated four times.
Between meetings I've found the AA speaker recordings a massive help, both to keep me grounded, but also to understand different steps more thoroughly, and some of the principles of Recovery. This site has loads of them to download or listen to for free, and you can search for specifics, such as anger as well. 5500+ AA Speakers & Tapes - Organized & Mobile-Friendly!
I use the senses medutation Anna mentioned. Another very simple and quick meditative technique I learned a couple of weeks ago, is slow and steady breath in (thinking, God In) and slow steady breath out (Anger out) repeated four times.
Between meetings I've found the AA speaker recordings a massive help, both to keep me grounded, but also to understand different steps more thoroughly, and some of the principles of Recovery. This site has loads of them to download or listen to for free, and you can search for specifics, such as anger as well. 5500+ AA Speakers & Tapes - Organized & Mobile-Friendly!
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 74
Originally Posted by Beccybean
Hi. The anger will (if you work the steps) get better over time, as you deal with underlying stuff, and become more confident at using some of these new strategies and they become part of your life.
I use the senses medutation Anna mentioned. Another very simple and quick meditative technique I learned a couple of weeks ago, is slow and steady breath in (thinking, God In) and slow steady breath out (Anger out) repeated four times.
Between meetings I've found the AA speaker recordings a massive help, both to keep me grounded, but also to understand different steps more thoroughly, and some of the principles of Recovery. This site has loads of them to download or listen to for free, and you can search for specifics, such as anger as well. 5500+ AA Speakers & Tapes - Organized & Mobile-Friendly!
I use the senses medutation Anna mentioned. Another very simple and quick meditative technique I learned a couple of weeks ago, is slow and steady breath in (thinking, God In) and slow steady breath out (Anger out) repeated four times.
Between meetings I've found the AA speaker recordings a massive help, both to keep me grounded, but also to understand different steps more thoroughly, and some of the principles of Recovery. This site has loads of them to download or listen to for free, and you can search for specifics, such as anger as well. 5500+ AA Speakers & Tapes - Organized & Mobile-Friendly!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
to find a sponsor, listen at meetings. when you hear someone who has what you want, ask them to sponsor you. theres a pamphlet aa has-questions and answers on sponsorship(which can be found to read online)- that explains pretty much what sponsorship is all about.
Im a former rageaholic. it was about 30ish days in when the fog started dissipating
and the anger really started rearing its ugly head.the steps showed me exact causes and conditions and how to change.
i seriously thought the anger wasnt gonna leave, even while working the steps.
but as time went on everything the bb says and what i had been taught started making sense.
today i understand it much better. i very rarely get angry, last time i was in a fitmof rage was a few years ago, and am,for the most part, pretty relaxed.
i do, however, get frustrated from time to time, but i can catch, find out why, and fix it.
if the frustration isnt taken care of, i get angry, which leads to a fit of rage(or, as the bb calls it, a brainstorm), and if i dont do something then, ill get drunk.
you'll get it, picture, if you want it. gotta give it T.I.M.E.
im sure you have some phone numbers of others in aa. dont be afraid to use em.
dont be afraid you might be bothering someone.
and if ya get voicemail any time ya call, leave a message.
Im a former rageaholic. it was about 30ish days in when the fog started dissipating
and the anger really started rearing its ugly head.the steps showed me exact causes and conditions and how to change.
i seriously thought the anger wasnt gonna leave, even while working the steps.
but as time went on everything the bb says and what i had been taught started making sense.
today i understand it much better. i very rarely get angry, last time i was in a fitmof rage was a few years ago, and am,for the most part, pretty relaxed.
i do, however, get frustrated from time to time, but i can catch, find out why, and fix it.
if the frustration isnt taken care of, i get angry, which leads to a fit of rage(or, as the bb calls it, a brainstorm), and if i dont do something then, ill get drunk.
you'll get it, picture, if you want it. gotta give it T.I.M.E.
im sure you have some phone numbers of others in aa. dont be afraid to use em.
dont be afraid you might be bothering someone.
and if ya get voicemail any time ya call, leave a message.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
oh, heres a memory of an anger moment early on:
i was workin on my car and things werent goin my way. got very angry. ended up throwin a wrench into a wall( it stuck in the drywall, hence into) said '"f**k it!!!" and went over to my sponsors, which by the time i got there i wasnt as angry. told him the story of what was going on with my car, then he said,"what did you do?"
" i threw a wrench into the wall, said, "f**k it!" and came over here."
"congradulations, you just learned the simplest form of the 3rd step. 2 simple words."
i was workin on my car and things werent goin my way. got very angry. ended up throwin a wrench into a wall( it stuck in the drywall, hence into) said '"f**k it!!!" and went over to my sponsors, which by the time i got there i wasnt as angry. told him the story of what was going on with my car, then he said,"what did you do?"
" i threw a wrench into the wall, said, "f**k it!" and came over here."
"congradulations, you just learned the simplest form of the 3rd step. 2 simple words."
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 74
Originally Posted by tomsteve
to find a sponsor, listen at meetings. when you hear someone who has what you want, ask them to sponsor you. theres a pamphlet aa has-questions and answers on sponsorship(which can be found to read online)- that explains pretty much what sponsorship is all about.
Im a former rageaholic. it was about 30ish days in when the fog started dissipating
and the anger really started rearing its ugly head.the steps showed me exact causes and conditions and how to change.
i seriously thought the anger wasnt gonna leave, even while working the steps.
but as time went on everything the bb says and what i had been taught started making sense.
today i understand it much better. i very rarely get angry, last time i was in a fitmof rage was a few years ago, and am,for the most part, pretty relaxed.
i do, however, get frustrated from time to time, but i can catch, find out why, and fix it.
if the frustration isnt taken care of, i get angry, which leads to a fit of rage(or, as the bb calls it, a brainstorm), and if i dont do something then, ill get drunk.
you'll get it, picture, if you want it. gotta give it T.I.M.E.
im sure you have some phone numbers of others in aa. dont be afraid to use em.
dont be afraid you might be bothering someone.
and if ya get voicemail any time ya call, leave a message.
Im a former rageaholic. it was about 30ish days in when the fog started dissipating
and the anger really started rearing its ugly head.the steps showed me exact causes and conditions and how to change.
i seriously thought the anger wasnt gonna leave, even while working the steps.
but as time went on everything the bb says and what i had been taught started making sense.
today i understand it much better. i very rarely get angry, last time i was in a fitmof rage was a few years ago, and am,for the most part, pretty relaxed.
i do, however, get frustrated from time to time, but i can catch, find out why, and fix it.
if the frustration isnt taken care of, i get angry, which leads to a fit of rage(or, as the bb calls it, a brainstorm), and if i dont do something then, ill get drunk.
you'll get it, picture, if you want it. gotta give it T.I.M.E.
im sure you have some phone numbers of others in aa. dont be afraid to use em.
dont be afraid you might be bothering someone.
and if ya get voicemail any time ya call, leave a message.
ironically (or not so much actually, happens all the time), today's AA topic was anger. go figure. unfortunately none of the discussion really touched on methods of releasing/channeling it though, mostly just everyone taking turns talking about how dangerous it is. i already knew that part. but as always, it was still great to be in there. and i scored a few more phone numbers.
i have outpatient tonight, i plan to steal the stage and make me be tonight's topic, whether they like it or not.
this anger thing worries me even more now. weekends are harder anyway, so i was hoping today i'd be a little "safer" after surviving it. i think i'm actually a little worse. not really angry at the moment, but residual effects from the weekend's episodes are still there. relapse is looming. i feel it and it scares me. i guess the most important fortunate thing is through AA and outpatient education, i totally see it looming, so i can take steps now to mitigate, manage and avoid it. i won't relapse. but i do continue to be concerned about the negative emotions building. i keep focusing on it will get better but that doesn't relieve the problem. it's apparent to me now how important it is that i MUST start practicing all of the strategies discussed here to deal with them before they get out of control. 30 days tomorrow, it's clear now.. the alcohol is gone and now the hard part is beginning. what a challenge. makes me angry.
lol j/k... well, not really. p.s - i've thrown the wrench in drywall too. my kid saw me do it. she still picks on me about it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
That sort of "hair-trigger" response to....e v e r y t h i n g? It is going to get better. A lot of what I experienced in the first six months was about just getting through it, whatever it took. Any distraction is a good distraction. I mentioned exercise because in my case I had a lot of anxiety - sometimes just getting up in the morning I would be riddled with it - nothing in particular was causing it, just general tension/fear/anxiety. Even fifty jumping jacks or squats or pushups helped. It was a good quick way to get back into my body and to regulate my breathing, and to expend some of that nervous energy. It always worked - no matter what the reasons were for my anxiety.
I heard, "Get out of my head," in AA meetings. I think that's brilliant. Out of head, into body...just like a lot of the previous posts suggested. It isn't all psychological; some of it is pure physiology. There is a lot of healing going on.
I heard, "Get out of my head," in AA meetings. I think that's brilliant. Out of head, into body...just like a lot of the previous posts suggested. It isn't all psychological; some of it is pure physiology. There is a lot of healing going on.
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