I cannot stop taking benzos and I don't know what to do
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Jacksonville
Posts: 31
I cannot stop taking benzos and I don't know what to do
I know that I am an alcoholic. But I have really bad anxiety. I have always had it, even all the physical symptoms like sweating, and shaking even when just trying to have a conversation.
I have never been able to take benzos responsibly. I was prescribed .5 MG Klonopin 2x a day and 20 MG adderall twice a day last year and I always abused them and drank on top of them.
But for me, benzos just totally wipe out my anxiety problems. I discovered Research Chemicals, and have tried a certain benzo I ordered offline many many times. They are super strong, and I consider benzos to basically be alcohol in a pill.
Over the past couple months I have made several orders of these benzos and massively abused them, then had some sort of huge accident or problem or sometimes I just got guilty that made me stop.
The last time I stopped out of guilt, which was in April, and the withdrawals from about a month of use were so bad that I had 3 seizures, and was hospitalized for several days.
Well, in true alcoholic fashion upon getting home from the hospital I took more of the benzos, and decided I would control myself. Now I have gotten to the point where I will take it once, maybe twice a day, and then usually take a massive dose at night, usually drink on top of it until I fall asleep.
I just don't know what to do. I want to stop this but I am so scared of the withdrawals and that I will have another seizure in detoxing. I have not told anyone about this, and I am so scared my sponsor will fire me and that my dad will kick me out of I tell them. My dad pays my rent and takes me to work as long as I am sober. Even on my last binge he still did all that stuff, but this is literally probably my sixth relapse in 8 months. My 2nd DUI is pending right now, so I am kind of stuck and have to stay clean and sober. Any advice? Please help I am so distraught I want to get sober but am just so scared of the withdrawals. Everyone I know thinks I am coming up on 30 days, and I don't know if I can bring myself to pick up another white chip. Please help.
I have never been able to take benzos responsibly. I was prescribed .5 MG Klonopin 2x a day and 20 MG adderall twice a day last year and I always abused them and drank on top of them.
But for me, benzos just totally wipe out my anxiety problems. I discovered Research Chemicals, and have tried a certain benzo I ordered offline many many times. They are super strong, and I consider benzos to basically be alcohol in a pill.
Over the past couple months I have made several orders of these benzos and massively abused them, then had some sort of huge accident or problem or sometimes I just got guilty that made me stop.
The last time I stopped out of guilt, which was in April, and the withdrawals from about a month of use were so bad that I had 3 seizures, and was hospitalized for several days.
Well, in true alcoholic fashion upon getting home from the hospital I took more of the benzos, and decided I would control myself. Now I have gotten to the point where I will take it once, maybe twice a day, and then usually take a massive dose at night, usually drink on top of it until I fall asleep.
I just don't know what to do. I want to stop this but I am so scared of the withdrawals and that I will have another seizure in detoxing. I have not told anyone about this, and I am so scared my sponsor will fire me and that my dad will kick me out of I tell them. My dad pays my rent and takes me to work as long as I am sober. Even on my last binge he still did all that stuff, but this is literally probably my sixth relapse in 8 months. My 2nd DUI is pending right now, so I am kind of stuck and have to stay clean and sober. Any advice? Please help I am so distraught I want to get sober but am just so scared of the withdrawals. Everyone I know thinks I am coming up on 30 days, and I don't know if I can bring myself to pick up another white chip. Please help.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,474
I'm sorry that you're struggling so much. My suggestion is to talk to your dr and get his advice on what to do. It sounds like it's too dangerous to do this on your own. Have faith that you will be able to be free of the drugs.
NA Member - Atheist
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Middletown CT USA
Posts: 770
NA worked for me.
I learned that it doesn't matter what drugs we used, but for sake of this discussion I'll let you know that I did painkillers, alcohol and benzos.
The straight up truth is that using like you are is going to kill you. It doesn't have to be that way.
I learned that it doesn't matter what drugs we used, but for sake of this discussion I'll let you know that I did painkillers, alcohol and benzos.
The straight up truth is that using like you are is going to kill you. It doesn't have to be that way.
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Michigan
Posts: 772
Do you have insurance? Go to in-patient rehab. That is what worked for me. I was also scared of withdrawal because I would have seizures also. Rehab worked for me because it was just easier to quit when I didn't have the option to use.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
Benzo w/d can be extremely dangerous, you can go to the hospital and given your history of having sezuires with w/d I am sure they would admit you. You need a medical detox this way your safety can be assured.
As for not being able to stop, you CAN stop, you just don't want to. What helped me the most was to be honest with myself and stop telling myself I "couldn't" stop or that I didn't know what to do when it reality I didn't want to stop and I didn't want to do the steps to get sober and find recovery even though I knew what needed to be done.
Being honest with all those around you and your doctor is the first step. Finding a medical detox or going to the hospital would be a good second step. Once you are detoxed making a recovery plan - one that includes counseling, open communication with a doctor and your father, and if you agree and like the 12 steps then meetings, finding a sponser, and working the steps.
Recovery is possible, you just need to be honest with yourself and those around you and be willing to do anything and everything to get and remain sober.
As for not being able to stop, you CAN stop, you just don't want to. What helped me the most was to be honest with myself and stop telling myself I "couldn't" stop or that I didn't know what to do when it reality I didn't want to stop and I didn't want to do the steps to get sober and find recovery even though I knew what needed to be done.
Being honest with all those around you and your doctor is the first step. Finding a medical detox or going to the hospital would be a good second step. Once you are detoxed making a recovery plan - one that includes counseling, open communication with a doctor and your father, and if you agree and like the 12 steps then meetings, finding a sponser, and working the steps.
Recovery is possible, you just need to be honest with yourself and those around you and be willing to do anything and everything to get and remain sober.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
I've seen addiction to benzos and I know its really rough. Topping them off with alcohol, potentially deadly. I would talk with your dr and have him/her help you get into an inpatient detox or full rehab. If you don't have insurance there are no cost detox facilities that can really help.
What everyone thinks? Not important. Addicts, well, we're not really known for our rigorous honesty while using. Your life is what matters.
What everyone thinks? Not important. Addicts, well, we're not really known for our rigorous honesty while using. Your life is what matters.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Jacksonville
Posts: 31
I can't really go to a rehab or stay in the hospital because I have a job and there is no one to cover my shifts, we only have four employees. I absolutely love my job and have had issues regarding drugs and alcohol at this job before so I think going to rehab or the hospital would get me fired. Also, I do have a sponsor but I just keep lying to him and telling him everything is okay. This might sound kind of weird, but he is kind of like an "AA celebrity" so I was extremely excited when he agreed to sponsor me. Im considering just tapering off the benzos as quickly as I can without telling anyone and then maybe confessing a couple years down the road. I feel like that would be really wrong though. I also should mention that my dad is in AA so he is basically requiring me to go. It's either that or be homeless.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
If you want to be sober more than you want the benzos and alcohol, you can and will find a way. Coming here was a great start.
I think if your sponsor fires you this person shouldn't be sponsoring IMO. The whole point of AA is to help those who have a desire to quit drinking, there is no requirements to be sober to qualify for their services.
I think it's kind of an excuse you addiction is using against you to keep you using. I would think long and hard about coming clean to your sponsor.
I really get where you are at. I'm painted into my own tight little corner too. But at some point we have to decide when we have jumped far enough down the rabbit hole and how deep do we really want to let ourselves fall before trying to climb our way out?
Once you're ready to make the decision you can find a way out with a good plan and good support. You know it can't continue like this, and you can't and don't have to do this on your own.
I think if your sponsor fires you this person shouldn't be sponsoring IMO. The whole point of AA is to help those who have a desire to quit drinking, there is no requirements to be sober to qualify for their services.
I think it's kind of an excuse you addiction is using against you to keep you using. I would think long and hard about coming clean to your sponsor.
I really get where you are at. I'm painted into my own tight little corner too. But at some point we have to decide when we have jumped far enough down the rabbit hole and how deep do we really want to let ourselves fall before trying to climb our way out?
Once you're ready to make the decision you can find a way out with a good plan and good support. You know it can't continue like this, and you can't and don't have to do this on your own.
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