Soberwolf

Sorry for the loss of your friend

KrisDB

It was untimely--she was 40 and had been battling health issues for some time. I'd known her since she was a child so it struck me very hard. It would have been difficult to deal with under the best of circumstances--much more difficult with PAWS hanging around.

KrisDB

Yet another progress report (for those who wonder about the evolution of PAWS): Last week was low--the stress associated with the death of my friend's daughter really set me off. I met my doc yesterday and long story short, now trying an SSRI, backing off gabapentin (doesn't seem to help much), stepping up counseling sessions, and I've been attending AA meetings every night in addition to going to the gym twice a day every day. Filling up my dance card.

I find the AA meetings help quite a bit--it's good to be around others who understand this beast.

My mood and cognition are both taking a serious beating--almost as bad as when it started up in April. Hissing in my ears, confusion, depersonalization, anxiety, depression, pessimism. So yes, it can come back and knock you down. Sometimes all that keeps me going is the understanding that this will pass and that I'm doing my best. Also, going "back" is not an option--there is no "back."

I'll update again when things change.

KrisDB

And I think I know the answer--but can someone please tell me when this will end?!! (Quit February 1, unmistakable PAWS symptoms appeared April 11th...)

Please tell me it'll be this Friday. (I really am trying to smile here--it sucks.)

stillpooh19

When you get the answer to this question, please let me know! Your story sounds alot like mine. I quit 1/3/16 and thought I was getting better until I was hit with a bolt of lightning called PAWS around 45 days. It has gotten better overall, but there are still those days when the doom and gloom set in. I take gabapentin which has been a big help, but there is still some undercurrents of anxiety which seems to be decreasing little by little. SR has really helped! Thanks for sharing your process. Here's too speedy PAWS recovery!

KrisDB

Just a quick update--last Tuesday afternoon my symptoms completely disappeared and remained gone through Wed. However, they came back like a herd of rabid marmosets Thursday afternoon which was most disheartening. Friday was better. The weekend that followed better still. Today (Monday) seems to be OK--still recognize PAWS-y thinking but much much more mild---like it's slowly fading away.

Overall, two things: (1) YES, it will go away completely! Yay! But it can also come back... and (2) It's clearly headed in the right direction. This week is far better than last, and this month is light years away from last month this time.

To those still suffering, hang in there. It will go away, and go away completely. It just takes as long as it takes.

Andante

Nice going, Kris. That's absolutely right: it takes what it takes. I found my frustration level decreased dramatically when I let go of expectations for a certain timeline and realized that getting impatient was going to accomplish absolutely nothing except to make me feel worse.

I have a PAWS-recovery good news tale to share:

I'm a bit of an amateur photographer. About 3 years ago, shortly after I got sober for the last time, I bought Adobe Lightroom, which is the de facto standard professional image organization and processing program. I even bought a how-to book to help me get started. Well, my brain was in such a mess that I couldn't make heads or tails of it no matter how hard I tried. It was just too much for me. I stopped even trying, and just used a more simplistic program for my photo editing tasks. Every time I thought about trying again to learn Lightroom, I just about broke out in a cold sweat.

Then last week, I had some free time and decided to tackle Lightroom again. Lo and behold, it all made sense! I couldn't understand why I was so intimidated and perplexed by it before. I've quit using my old program and and just a few days have become functional enough in Lightroom to use it all the time.

That's the difference between a PAWS-addled head and one that is finally recovering. It took me longer than most, but I finally feel like I'm making some significant strides.

Yes, PAWS will go away completely given enough sober time -- more for some than others.

Keep up the good work!

theTHINman

Really thrilled that things are getting better and better for you, Kris. I'm in the same boat right now with those symptoms, though I'm only 30 days in right now. Did the hissing in your ears relent any. Mine is at a fever pitch right now and very distressing.

KrisDB

The hissing comes and goes, though lately it's been much less prominent.

The past two weeks have been marked by PAWS-y thinking coming and going--the weird pessimism crops up but I notice it immediately now and it fades out after a while--likewise suddenly not being able to enjoy things, mild confusion, etc. I notice it, it fades, I don't get worked up about it. It's much more 'oh, there's that thing again.' It's still unpleasant--but more like getting-your-teeth-cleaned unpleasant. I've found Lexapro to be very helpful in keeping things from running away--or maybe I really have just gotten used to it? Either way, I'm ok.

I have noticed my sleeping patterns are changing--sometimes insomnia, sometimes I sleep in. I usually feel crappy when I get up but it goes away after about half an hour.

All in all--still have it, but I'm not getting bent about it and I have 'good days' which more than anything else remind me that yes, eventually I will be fine. Everything's still in there.

One thing that may help me along--I'm moving to a new city and 'upgrading' and simplifying my life in about 30 days. I imagine this may be helpful. We'll see. I'll also have six months of sobriety/free from smokes! It's clearly worth it.

mnrn

I just want to say hi to everyone & thank-you for starting this thread KrisDB! It has been so helpful to me. I am also usually a ridiculously optimistic person and this PAWS thing has been freaking me out. It feels like a blanket of doom & gloom descending out of no where - I have never felt anything like it before. I don't even feel like me - like I have turned into someone else. And then it will just lift and I will feel good again. Nothing in particular seems to trigger it - although it maybe happens more when I am stressed. I swear I feel like some kind of fragile being now that I am sober. And it is really frustrating. I can not just force myself to keep going, going, going like I used to.

It helps so much to hear other people's experience with this. Makes me realize I am not going crazy & it will get better. So reassuring!

Anyway, I am coming up to 3 months sober and have been working on this sobriety thing for the last couple years. This is the longest I have been sober and am amazed by how good it can feel and also how hard it can be. I go to AA mtgs, have a sponsor, journal, meditate daily & read a lot about addiction/sobriety. It feels like a part-time job sometimes! But I know is the most important thing I can do for myself right now. And I am learning to slow down & just take it easy when I feel like this. So far it does always pass - usually within a couple days, sometimes in a few hours.

Have a great weekend everyone!

KrisDB

Excellent! Sounds like you're headed in the right direction and yes--it is very weird, but that gloom and doom will pass and it's not to be taken seriously.

Just a quick update--I've enjoyed about three weeks free of PAWS. There have been a few moments that come and go but it's reached the point where it's almost not even worth noting! In some way I've gotten used to the odd thing when it pops up--it has no power now. I've also found that a change of scenery has been a huge help in moving things along. I'm moving to a new place in a few days and the preparations have kept me focused on the here and now, which is the best thing.

I guess I can sum up my experience now:

Quit Feb 1st--no acute withdrawal symptoms (but in retrospect I can see ongoing confusion related to just drinking.) Cigarette's were the most difficult thing to give up, but I was over that after three weeks. Generally, felt great.

April 11th--PAWS hit. Anxiety out of the blue, confusion, pessimism, depression--so severe it was obvious to me that something was simply wrong with me, not my situation. Took three days to realize it was PAWS.

April 11th to the end of April--incredibly bad anxiety. Couldn't function. Finally saw a doc and started a prescription for Gabapentin, to help balance out GABA/Glutamine. Results were moderate.

May -- signed up at gym and started exercise twice a day on a treadmill, a hour a session. BIG help. Exercise worked more than anything else to tamp down anxiety. Also started vitamin supplements (Zinc, Magnesium, Fish oil, B complex.) Emotional issues started to abate but still had cognitive issues--memory shot, difficultly making decisions.

June--started 10 MG Lexapro. Big help! Stabilized mood swings by increasing serotonin levels. Overall, much improvement, both emotionally and cognitively. Finally started having days free of symptoms.

July--started out with a few bumps but the last three weeks generally free of symptoms, and those that did arise were so mild that it was hardly worth noticing.

My plan for August is to continue the Lexapro for a few more weeks then begin to taper off and eventually quit altogether by mid September. I will be watching to see if the mood swings return--however, all the other PAWS symptoms seem to have abated so I doubt that mood swings related to PAWS will still be around.

I will also be six months free and clear of alcohol and cigarettes as of August 1st. Hopefully that will be it as far as the physical (mal)adjustments are concerned, though I suspect things will continue to improve overall (coordination, cognition etc.) All in all, one tough ride--the only thing that would be tougher is continuing to drink and smoke.

Stick it out. It's well worth it. And yes, as they say-- over and over -- you are not losing your mind, and you will recover! It's just your brain rewiring itself, (re)adapting to the absence of alcohol etc.

Good luck!

KrisDB

Just realized there's more to add.

Getting over PAWS was only a tiny part of the 'battle' -- it was by far the most uncomfortable and troubling part, but it was also something that was largely beyond my 'will' -- it was a physical process and my job was to try an take care of myself the best I could (and having good medical assistance was vital! See your doctor! They can help!)

The main part of all this is still to come. While I've been wrestling with the physical symptoms I've also put a lot of time and effort into figuring out how to put together a new life that promotes sobriety. This is where the real work is done.

I'm not going to try and tell folks what that's all about because this site is full of good advice and also because in some ways everyone's story is a little different. The disease is uniform, but the application varies a little bit (IMHO.)

I can say this:

1. Exercise is great habit to pick up. If you can put in half the effort you used to put into drinking into exercise instead, you'll be an ironman triathlete in no time!

2. Same with diet. Eat well. Treat yourself with great regard.

3. Hang out with people who subscribe to those two things.

Make your recovery a daily thing. After a while, it's second nature. (Of course you're going to get up and exercise first thing in the morning. Of course you are going to eat right. It's just a routine.) Once it becomes second nature, a lot of other things will fall into place behind it. But the key is consistency. Don't slack off!

And how long will you do this? For the rest of your life. That's how it's done.

KrisDB

Well, back again! Still clean--no issues (being grateful helps me stay away from alcohol and cigs.) But the PAWS has returned. Just briefly--past week or so, very mild compared to when it first hit back in April, but still kinda sneaky.

Again, just bringing this up in case others can find it helpful. The weird pessimism is the primary thing, and it's getting better at finding things to clothe itself with--but it's still inordinate and wide-ranging which is the tip-off: it colors everything while it's here. What is different is that it's slow moving--it comes on slowly and goes away slowly and it doesn't get overwhelming.

I'd love to actually know what's going on in my noggin--my guess, based on what I've read, is that my brain continues to heal, which is very heartening, and that the damage was far more extensive than I thought, which is SCARY.
But in any case, it's all going in the right direction, and I did enjoy a couple of months completely free of symptoms, and it is winding down, so...

The other thing is that my cognitive abilities are still affected--primarily short term memory and my sense of self existing through time. I assume that will get better too--it's a felt sensation. My ability to recall what I need to recall in order to get through the day is much better than it's been in a long time, and I do not misplace things anymore either. That last one is actually pretty important, because according to what I've read, the ability to manage things in three dimensions (where things are) is one of the few things that may not return over time, with recovery. So it looks like that's OK.

I hope everyone else is doing well--I have nothing but the greatest sympathy and regard for anyone fighting addiction and particularly these damn symptoms! Our reward is here, and yet also delayed. Patience and self-kindness are key I guess.

Glitterbug9

Thanks for this post! I'm also dealing with PAWS. It helps to know I'm not alone or going crazy.

Winslow

PAWS is a real thing but I know some people don't believe that it is,to me it's a brain rewiring process that effects all of my body,when I've been hit with it,it feels sort of like week 1 detox all over again, insomnia, shakes,dizziness, fatigue, nausea and messed up tummy, my doctor who has worked in addiction treatment says some people get it very minor,some get it tougher but you just have to hold out and it'll pass,thanks for the thread

KrisDB

The thing that bugs me is that it seems so unfair! (I know, it's not.) I mean, you quit, right? Shouldn't you be rewarded? Instead of tortured?

It passes. Eventually. I guess the main thing is to be grateful that our bodies and our brains can recover from all the abuse.

MIRecovery

PAWs hit around 90 days. Mostly I was a space cadet. I had periods of blackouts where chunks of time vanished. I would forget I was holding on to things and drop them . I had trouble talking and other weird stuff. Over the next six months they slowly went away

Purpleskye

Ohhhh yes. Lapses in time and memory loss were prominent in what I believed to be my manifestation of PAWS. The short term memory was absolutely awful. There was no denying that it wasn't normal, and I see some people sneer at the idea of PAWS, but it simply develops differently for some and for others not at all. I'd park my car, get out my key card to unlock my work building, get out of the car and shut the door, and I'd have lost the keycard. I wrote a rent check, walked to another room with it, and five seconds later couldn't find it. I'd put my phone in my purse, put the purse on my shoulder, and then frantically search the room for my phone. The examples are endless. Also speech issues, forming words for some reason here and there just morph into nonsensical garble.
It's basically just a period of time where you think you're going crazy. It will pass

lexilynn

It's sounds like a had this before. The lack of memory and time lapse... Once I was made aware of such, which was actually outside a AA meeting talking to another AA member. It was on a day I decided to attend 2 meetings, a 6:30pm and a 8 pm meeting at the same location. We were sitting outside the AA building, talking after the first meeting and I guess everybody else left. I said to her as time was approaching 8pm "I wonder if somebody at least came along and unlocked the door for the meeting". She said, "of course the door is unlocked, we were just at the 6:30 meeting, it's still unlocked."

To this day I don't remember any shares, what the topic was, were I sat, or even being at the meeting.

I started trying to account for the time off and on thoughtout my awaking hours for quit awhile after that, and there is big gaps in time that I am clueless what I did, where I went, and what I said. I call them sober blackouts.

Whatever they are, they are scary.

Maudcat

Hey, Kris. Welcome. I definitely became more anxious when I drank, tho I drank to become less anxious. Ironic, no? Since I have stopped drinking, no anxiety, thank goodness. Hang in there!