Dee74

I know the future is weighing on you, but there must be things you can work on today that won't be affected by any legal action?

sitting there stewing really is the worst thing you can do.

Regardless of whether you want to or not, you're legally required to do this things like the classes right now.

What I would be doing is filling in the rest of my days as productively as I can. Be of service to others - get out of your head a little?

D

soberaccountant

I dont have the resources to go talk to one and trying to get help through the county is a multi-month long process(apparently 3-6 months). I also have a lot of fear going back to one because I was forced to see one as a child in elementary school and the lady constantly abused me verbally and physically. She would call me stupid and when I didnt want to answer her questions she would force me out of my chair and make me face a wall for the remainder of the 'session' until I 'learned to behave'. She kept asking me questions in a condescending way and trying to make me say that my parents or sister abused me when none of that ever occurred. I dont trust them.

soberaccountant

Maybe I am wrong but I really feel stuck in a limbo. I want to be working on finding a job and getting through all of this but I am stuck.

Im afraid to go find a job when I have a court date hanging over my head, and not knowing if and how much jail time/work release I am going to have to do.

I am already enrolled in the alcohol classes they require in my area and my first group session and school session is tomorrow. My public defender and the sober living director whom is a family friend said that by enrolling before my conviction I might gain more favor with this judge.

I go to an AA meeting once a day as well just so I can make it look like I am taking this matter seriously, I get a signature everytime I go. I am doing everything everyday just to try to make myself look good for when I go back to court next Thursday. I dont know what its all going to do for me and if it'll minimize the damage at all, but my life literally revolves around all of this and its eating me up inside. I do try to get myself outside and bike ride and hit the gym. Those sort of activities help me feel good in the moment but I am ever consumed by the thoughts.

I am just worried about everyting Dee, and I am sorry for worrying and writing about it.

Right now I am enrolled in this 3 month alcohol school thing, but apparently they can push it up to 9 months if they want to which would be devastating because that will double the cost and triple the amount of weeks I have to attend these stupid sessions.

Apparently I can go get a restricted license today if I wanted to, but the last time I talked with my public defender she said she isnt sure if the court will end up suspending my license for a year or not. That in and of itself will be more devastating because it limits where I can work and find a job. I have been trying to find a job locally in my field or in just about anything that pays a living wage in my city and havent had any luck yet. And it doesnt help that I dont know what my sentence is going to be like. I can end up in jail for 5 days apparently or be put on work release for that time. I just dont know. This whole scenario just scares me. I dont want to go back to jail, the though terrifies me. And if I get work release I have to keep myself available for that and then be able to find a job after. If I cant get work release I wonder if I can ask to be committed to mental health instead of jail because I know I will get severely depressed in their again and I just cant go through that.

I know this is all of my own fault. That bothers me even more because this isnt the kind of person I am. I wish I could do something to prove to the world otherwise but for now I am stuck in the pile of crap I dug myself in. Im just scared...worried and scared. Im sure some people see me as a coward or a whiner, but I had problems in my head before this and now its all compounding on me.

Anna

I don't think you're a coward or a whiner. I think you are feeling lost and out of control because at this time the courts have control over your life. I think that taking action to find a job or volunteer work or anything would make you feel better. I really think you should stop beating yourself. You made a mistake, you are paying the consequences. You are not a bad person.

buk1000

I don't think you're a coward or a whiner. I have had similar situations where I catastrophize events into bigger problems than they really are. I don't mean to insult you or talk down to you. In my case it was anxiety causing me to overthink and make things seem much, much more drastic than they really are.

It appears that you've done everything you can in relation to your legal issue. It will be resolved soon. I think there is almost no chance that you have done anything at this point to ruin your career.

Dee74

No need to be sorry Frank I wasn't calling you out or anything.

I know volunteering's been mentioned before - it may seem like the last thing you want to do right now (it was the last thing I wanted to do too) but it really helped me.

I needed to get out of my own head and feel productive again. I needed to feel like I was making a difference - and volunteering gave me that

D

KrisDB

I hope you can find some help with how you're feeling. In my earlier post I didn't realize you had a ton of legal stuff on your plate too--that alone can drag anyone down, but when add to it everything else (including early sobriety?) it's a bit much--if you haven't yet, please try to find some folks to help you shoulder this load. In addition to everything else, you have to heal up.

soberaccountant

I just wanted to say I do appreciate everyone's encouragement and advice. Writing here and seeing your responses has been helpful in keeping me going each day. Sometimes I feel okay with things, most of the time my head is spinning and in despair over a lot of things. I am doing everything I can to keep myself together and going, but I admit that its hard for me sometimes.

I just keep finding myself worried about this legal matter and how bad things could possibly be. I know they have limits to what they can do, and I have never had any trouble with the law, but now that I have trouble it scares me. Everyone tells me that i'll get through it, but I don't know how.

I went to my first alcohol school session on Wednesday, it went alright. They make you do group counseling sessions for about 3-9 months(pending on what the court wants me to do) and 6 weeks of courses. Fortunately I am scheduled to go once a week right now, but when and if I can find a job I will have to figure out another way to accommodate the schedule. I am just frustrated by all of it, I know I have to do it, but they don't make it easy for someone trying to find a job without a license to accommodate this.

I know it might seem selfish but I am mostly just worried right now as to how long my license is going to be taken away from me. I really hope its just the 1 month that I already served, but when that public defender told me they can take it for a year it really devastated me. I can't find work in my area, and the public transit here isn't good.

Until this next Thursday I am trying to keep myself distracted and busy, but I haven't had a day where I didn't tear up over the matter. Sometimes I feel my life is over and that I am ruined. If I cant find work I will eventually lose everything and at that point I dont know how I will rebuild. I just dont want to get to that point. Ive already lost everything once before, I cant go through that again...I just dont have the strength anymore.

KissMyTiara

Just keep doing what you are doing now. Your court date is less than a week away. At least the matter/consequences will be definitive and you can then plan what you need to do without the uncertainty which I think is your worst enemy right now. A week from today you will know. You are a first time offender. I honestly don't think you will get your license back after a month. Sorry. I didn't and no one else I know did. With regards to the counseling of 3 9 months. My experience with that was to embrace it. Take responsibility for your actions. The group counselor I went to decided the length (court gave them authority). Participate, get involved. I entered with some other people. They were some adamant the DUI was wrong...not their fault. The anger showed. I was released way before they were. I took responsibility for my actions.

soberaccountant

Here the suspension is a month unless you do what I did and refuse a chemical test. Apparently they may not pursue it, but if they do they potentially can suspend me for a year. That in and of itself is devastating.

Where I am the court dictates the alcohol school length, not the counselor.

I've already taken responsibility for my actions. I deal with that each and everyday and it's tormenting me.

ScottFromWI

You are actually tormenting yourself...and it's going to eat you alive if you keep doing so, most likely even more negatively than the actual consequences of the court decision. It's hard to get away from, but continually beating yourself up serves no helpful purpose for anyone.

If you can, try to remember that nothing has happened yet. All of the thoughts swirling around in your head are about something in the FUTURE. Not only that, you don't even know WHAT is going to happen.

It's a classic anxiety trait....fearing the future or ruminating over the past. I have done it many, many times so I know exactly how it feels and it sucks. Keeping busy with other things, mindfulness exercises, physical activity are some of the things I use to try and redirect my energy to things I CAN control. It's hard but it helps..hope you can find some relief.

thomas11

Hi SA, I have withheld comment, but I think your doing all the right things, and posting here about your concerns is probably the healthiest thing for you right now. No one can predict the future, but we can prepare for it...good or bad.

soberaccountant

I know it, and I wish I knew how to make it stop. I do many of the things you have listed and have taken everyones advice seriously. But when all is said and done, my mind goes back to that torment. I pray it'll stop soon. I want this mess to be over with.

I hope Thursday we can hash out a deal and have this all be over with. I am sick of the continuances.