rockyMTNrider

I have finally come to the realization that I have a big problem on my hands. I have been lurking and reading everything on this site for a few months. I made the decision to take a break from drinking in the middle of February earlier this year. I set my sites on 30 days after a total loss of control and one of the scariest moments of my life. I will call it a spiritual awakening as i realized how out of control it has become. I have always been a functioning alcoholic but this time was way different I found myself in a bottom that was deeper than I ever thought existed. Digging out of that was one of the hardest things i have ever done.

I ended up making it 60 days and had a few beers with a friend one night and that was all. No major relapse but opened the door back up. I was not ready to commit to quitting for good but my resolve was to cut way back and you all know where that headed. I'm coming off of a 4 day binge that started with dinner and several drinks with friends. I had to catch a flight the next day and ended up right back in the thick of it grabbing Bloody Marys at the airport and pounding drinks to feel normal. I tapered off last night with a bottle of wine and am ready to start over. Feeling pretty bad but not as bad as i did the first time i quit.

At this point I realize that the game has changed for me both of my parents are alcoholics. My dad died of Lung Cancer from smoking and was the successful and abusive variety. My mother is the suicidal kind.

After feeling pretty good for almost 11 weeks I can say that my life was moving in the right direction. I'm trying not to beat myself up over the relapse but i am trying to learn from it. I almost needed it to prove to myself that i have no power over my drinking and i am trying to refocus on getting sober again.

The challenge that I have is that I travel for work 95% of the time. I am generally on the road going from city to city but occasionally fly. After reading so many of the recommendations on here about getting a sponsor and a support group I realize that i do not have that option available to me. I am rarely in a city for more than a week and going to regular meetings is not on the table for me. I also have the issue of seeing a doctor as i am not able to see someone regularly with a heavy travel schedule.

Its kinda a unique scenario but just looking to see if any recomendations are out there or if anyone else had a similar scenario.

CaseyW

Welcome to SR, rockyMTNrider, and congrats on choosing a better way of life in recovery.

This website is my primary source of support in my own recovery, no reason it can't be yours too. Good thing about our modern age is sites like this are available 24/7 and almost around the globe.

And there are AA meetings in every city and almost every small town around. I've never found a meeting yet that wasn't welcoming to visitors from out of town. Plus going to meetings will give you something to do while on the road.

I highly suggest joining the Class of May 2016 thread found on this same forum. It's a great way to learn from and help others who are also newly sober. And a great way to start building that support system that you're talking about. I know I couldn't do this without my own classmates here.

Wishing you the best today and I look forward to getting to know you better as we walk together on the road to recovery from our addictions.

teatreeoil007

Welcome, RockyMTN:

Well, it sounds like yeah, it would be a challenge to get with a set group of people and be able to see your Dr. I don't travel for a living, but I've got a different schedule anyways and work some weekends and holidays. My husband has been working on me to get a 'normal' job with 'normal' hours, but I don't see that happening any time soon...so it's nice to have a place to come for sharing and support on those days I can't get to group meetings. The mods here are great and dedicated and there is a lot of kindness, but honesty as well. Some people thrive on 'routine' and being in a set place at set times; others feel smothered by that.

Coldfusion

Welcome, 'Rider!

Some folks are able to get by just with the support of SoberRecovery. I need face-to-face support also. AA meetings are available in most towns, and visitors are welcome. You might even be able to find a sponsor at one of those meetings who could accommodate your travels. Give it a try!

Dee74

I hope you'll find a lot of support and good ideas here RockyMTNrider - it's a good place to start - welcome

D

Berrybean

Going to AA meetings in new towns and cities is great. It's like having a set of friendly faces wherever you go. You'd get to meet and talk to people wherever you go in meetings. The sponsor you'd probably just get in your home group, even if you only made it to that meeting every couple of weeks, and use the phone to contact them between visits.

Don't let your AV create problems where there are none.

Soberwolf

Welcome Rocky

rockyMTNrider

I appreciate everyones feedback. Last time around just reading through all of the posts on here helped me get through the withdrawls and pass the time while my brain was going crazy. I can't believe a relatively small relapse hit me as hard as it did. Felt the impending doom all day today. Being proactive and setting up on here is my way of taking the next step to beat this. I'll jump into the Class of May 2016 and take it a day at a time like I did in February.

MythOfSisyphus

Welcome to SR, rockyMTNrider! I'm glad you decided to join us here. I guess you've discovered "kindling". Sadly if you do stop for a while and start drinking again it's often worse than before. The good news is that you can get off the ride for good and create a different kind of life. It's possible to break from past patterns and leave drinking behind.

least

Welcome to the family! I got sober over six years ago and don't regret a minute of it. I wake up feeling good every day and have the life I once dreamed about.

I hope our support can help you get sober for good.

Hawkeye13

I don't do AA, go to meetings, or have a sponsor.

I "build" my own recovery and use SR, meditation / yoga, exercise,
time in nature, journaling, and reading recovery literature as needed.

Once the mental determination to not drink again, or try to moderate, was there,
it has been relatively easy to stay quit and continue to grow into recovery.

So don't let the "travel issue" be an excuse to pick up.
Get your head and heart behind quitting, make a plan, and you can do it!

I believe there are on-line AA meetings if that is helpful for you--

Lightning Bug

That is how I am approaching it.

rockyMTNrider

Although i am significantly ahead of where i was at the beginning of the year i am still struggling with staying away from alcohol. I have been sober more days than not but end up drinking for a few days due to high amounts of rage. The 60 days that i made it clean opened up what direction my life could be headed in and i was already in much better shape in just that short period of time.

My problem with alcohol took a major turn over the holidays last year and although I have always drank and been functional that is when the binge drinking for several days on end began. Long story short my older brother slept with my girlfriends of 3 years little sister a few years ago then got back with his ex and blamed it on us. "He was vulnerable" My girlfriend and I tried to stop them from both sides but he continued this for 3 months and then realized the 20 year old kid sister who lives with her mom that was 14 years younger than him was a mistake. Imagine that!

I told him that what he was crazy for going back with his ex and that he was going to screw up my relationship. He said that he talked to her and she was fine with everything and he would make sure what he did would not affect us. They got pregnant within a month.

I try to see my family on the holidays and don't push for anything more. My girlfriend and I were thrown out on thanksgiving two years ago by her and when i asked why it was my girlfriend that was the problem not me. She never did anything to anyone other than being related to her baby sister. Sometime we do holidays at his house and sometimes at my Moms.

Last year i was just told that she could not come period. I asked what she did and was told to let it go she's not welcome. I asked if there was anything we could do and got no response from him. I went off the rails. I got wasted shot him a text he called me and I exploded on him big time. This is when things started to get really bad for me.

He also refused to help at all when our dad was terminally ill with cancer. For 6 months I took him to every radiation and chemo treatment until he died. My brother did nothing....

I have always been a happy go lucky guy but the resentment i have for him is so powerful I am becoming someone who i am not.

I feel like i am equipped to deal with all of the aspects associated with withdrawal. I can handle being depressed etc.

The thing that causes me to relapse is the anger and resentment i have towards him. It's my trigger. We talk every few weeks and i am trying to keep some kind of relationship but i feel like my anger is intensifying every week. I keep replaying it over and over and over in my head and it won't go away.

I have read threads on it and resentment/anger is one of the most dangerous things for someone trying to recover.

Is this my disease talking or what? I wish i could just "let it go" but it comes out of nowhere and it so intense I can't ignore it. I have never felt this much rage. The 60 days I made it i was better in many aspects but the anger never went away.

Sorry for the long post but i guess in a way writing about it may help. Any honest feedback would be greatly appreciated.

kittycat3

I've tried the "drinking at people" thing. Not surprisingly I discovered it doesn't work. I destroy myself and they escape unscathed

Your family drama is everything and nothing like mine. I can get upset with my sister for a lot of things, how she doesn't help with my mom like I want her to (she moved out of state, so she physically isn't even here.). But at the end of the day my being upset doesn't change a thing.

Yes I think your disease is talking. But so easy for me to say on the outside. It seems like maybe you think that too. And that being sober is the best way for you, congrats on that decision. Now how to make it stick?

There's AA meetings almost everywhere, you can still go to meetings even if you don't have a "home group." Or lots of people here do it without AA. The important thing is to not drink, one day at a time.

uncorked

I'll preface by saying I don't go to AA and don't believe in the "disease" theory. If I had a disease, I'd need medication, doctor visits and we'd have "Run for Alcoholism Cures" and such. But I digress...

You are angry. That's a normal human emotion and not part of a disease. Many of us drink to numb that. When you finally become sober, the anger doesn't have a buffer.

I don't know what your work entails while traveling....is it even feasible to go to an AA meeting while you're somewhere working? There are other ways to get and stay sober. Like some other posters, I do my own program. It's good you recognize your emotions and are serious about your sobriety. That's half the battle.

sugarbear1

Stop by an AA meeting in some place and work those 12 steps. I did it in 2 days, you can do them in one, if you find someone who knows those steps well!!!!

Soberwolf

Having a plan will really help make a point staying accountable with us ?

rockyMTNrider

Just putting it the way that you did "drinking at people" helps me realize how little progress i will make handling it with alcohol. Sound advice here. I appreciate the feedback.

uncorked, sugar bear and sober wolf thanks for the feedback!

I am back at a week without any drinks. I think that dealing with the anger is just going to be a huge stepping stone in my recovery. I am going to stay out of contact wit my brother for a while. Huge trigger for me. If i can focus on getting more time sober I think dealing with this will become easier. I have been exercising all week so i think that has been crucial in getting me grounded again.

I am not against AA. My mother has been in AA for many years. I have seen her relapse bad and a lot in that time. When she is doing good she is generally active in AA. I am holding off on this for time being. Depending on how things go i may need to take this action.

I think that coming up with my own recovery program is a better direction for me right now. I am going to look further into Meditation, Yoga and Anger Management techniques. I found a thread that recommends books here on SR. I am going to find some good ones on there that suit my issues best and start reading. I will also just post in this thread if I find myself overwhelmed. Just posting is a huge help and the feedback is great.

I think the relapse puts me into a general state of anger. I then fixate on what's making me angry and it just grows. When i said is it my disease talking that is more what I meant. I think my addiction amplifies anger into rage. I understand what it is to be a raging alcoholic after the last few months and i want to leave that part of me in the dust. Not a good place to be.

Every time I am feeling buried in a negative emotions i just keep visualizing swimming up from deep water towards the surface and breaking through and taking a big breath. I am moving forward one day at a time.

Cleomie

Since you're on the road so much, I highly recommend the following web sight for listening to great recovery speakers:

www.audiorecovery.org

It's like going to a meeting while in the car. Good luck