blossom123

Then it's simply your word against the word of many others.

I don't "feel" it -- I hear it. I'm far from being the only one; Jason Vale talks about this in his book on how to stop drinking as well, for example.

These are the replies I usually get whenever I politely decline to drink alcohol:
"Are you taking some heavy medication?"
"Don't be such a wuss."
"You're a weirdo."
"Aww, come on."
"Do you have an alcohol problem?"
"You don't know what's good."

And once people start assuming negative things about you, the negativity just snowballs.

No, it's common in society. In fact, it's so normal that many people don't even see it and think that it's not there.

If it's learned, it means something can be done about it.

Maybe where you live, no social stigma is attached to not drinking; but where I live, it is.

I didn't assign that hierarchy. Many people do.

You really need to stop projecting onto me things I don't think, don't feel, don't believe, didn't do, and didn't say.

Nonsense. I don't have to "work hard" at sobriety. It's been decades since I last drank any alcohol and I have no difficulty not drinking. I have no desire to drink. I've never had any desire to drink per se to begin with.

Years back, I only started to drink, for a short while, to see what's so great about it, to obtain the promised benefits of drinking alcohol. I didn't get them. I didn't "feel better," other people didn't like me more. I just felt nauseated and tired from it.
Maybe I didn't try hard enough.

I resent the widely accepted notion that there is something wrong with those who don't drink. I resent that there is such a stigma attached to not drinking.

IvanMike

Dying clean with a track record of not causing harm to myself or others would qualify as "recovered" for me.

Until such time, (which hopefully is some decades hence) I'll consider myself recovering.

Each day I make a decision not to use, I don't use, I look for the message from the power of my understanding, and I try to live by it as best I can. Each day I try to live just a little bit better than the last.

I ask for help, guidance and direction. I keep tabs on myself and make amends when I screw up.

I still fall short, I still have crazy thoughts in my head. Sometimes I think about using, but I know that I only have the choice about the first one.

I get to decide if I will tip the first domino. All the rest fall on their own after that.

My sponsor told me a great truth some time ago. He let me know that if I stayed clean and "followed this way" that "it" might not get better. It might get worse. However, he told me that I could get better. He didn't lie.

He also told me that recovery is a process, and that "process" in this context means as slow as molasses. (Treacle for you Brits).

I'm not where I want to be, but I'm not where I was. I'll call this "recovering".

Last but not least. A long time ago my sponsor was in a meeting and one of the old timers then told him what the translation of the oft-used phrase "progress not perfection was". "Not even F-ing close".

The steps and recovery are a life long process. The alternative is a process as well, but in a direction I no longer care to go.

Aellyce

I have not read the entire thread but this is a quite good older one on the topic:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...recovered.html

desertsong

I haven't read this entire thread so this may have already been said. But for me, I am happy to be "in recovery" as opposed to "recovered." Being "recovered," for me, implies that my work is done and I'm a finished product. That will never be the case. In "recovery," I am still working on myself and working toward developing into the person I want to be and creating the life I want to have. That's a good thing because it allows me to make goals, achieve them, and increase my self esteem and self worth. Then I set new goals and strive toward those.

I would rather continue working on myself every day, one day at a time than think I have done all I can and don't need to do any more. Having a daily purpose in my life is what keeps me sober.

miamifella

You say that there is a stigma attached to not drinking, but I have never encountered it. So what happened to you that makes you say there is one?

blossom123

Heaven forbid you should read what you quote!

MelindaFlowers

It's inevitable that after a certain amount of time doing something or not doing something, you start to actually get used to it.

Around a year of sobriety I realized that I was totally and completely and utterly out of the habit of drinking. I'd gone to just enough birthday parties, weddings, and I'd celebrated every holiday without drinking alcohol.

As of now, I am totally used to not drinking. Alcohol used to dictate my plans and feelings 365 days a year. It was the one thing that I guarded in my life. I didn't think I'd ever give up alcohol.

I think we're recovered once we're okay with a life without drinking alcohol. I don't think this means we're thrilled about it. We accept it. We're okay with it. We have accepted that alcohol and us don't mix and never will.

Also, after a year or so (for me) you start to enjoy the benefits of not drinking. Or to put it in simple terms: you're not hungover at work. You're not hungover at the grocery store. You're not hungover filling up your gas tank. You're not hungover at Disneyland. You're not hungover on Christmas morning. Do you remember how you felt every day before you ever started drinking? Like you just took the day at face value? That's what it's like now.

I believe I had some form of trauma from the hangovers. It took me a long time to get used to waking up, looking around the room, and just.....starting the day. No problems. No headache. No dread. No regrets. Sure, work stresses me out sometimes and I'm not looking forward to that early morning staff meeting tomorrow morning, but I get to go through the day just like everyone else, without a hangover.

If I had any anger about not being able to drink alcohol then I wouldn't consider myself recovered. I am not envious of those who drink and I don't think non-alcoholics drinking normal amounts is a bad thing. Good for them. It's not for me though in any way, shape, or form.

I wouldn't even say now I'm recovered. I like the term "non-drinker." I do not drink alcohol and I won't ever again in the future.

MelindaFlowers

I have not experienced any stigma attached to not drinking but I have encountered questions.

I've noticed in the past 10 years or so that craft beer and pretentious brew pubs with 4,000 types of beer are all over town.

This makes being a non-drinker a little more annoying because people think of beer as a delicacy now, like a hobby. I had someone ask me a while back if I was a "beer drinker or a wine drinker." What she meant was do I appreciate the fine varieties or seek out new flavors or breweries. Her grown daughter collects beer and when she travels she brings home new and interesting varieties to share with her coworkers. Her daughter probably drinks two beers a week.

I guess all I'm getting at is that I've experience this (annoying) new "beer culture" where people don't just drink beer, they discuss it.

Needless to say I loathe these conversations. I don't engage in them but inevitably, because I am around other human beings, I hear about this quite often.

The only time I've encountered an eye-roll when was my mother in law opened some bottle of something that was a hundred years old at Christmas. She wanted everyone to honor her deceased father by taking a small sip out of tiny fancy glasses. She was a bit taken aback that I "wouldn't even try it." Her annoyance lasted about 4 seconds and then the evening moved along. That was two years ago and it hasn't happened since.

Thumpalumpacus

I can't remember who it was who said it here on these pages, but they wrote, in essence, "I like the term 'remission'."

That sums it up for me. I'm not going to give Friday promises that might be broken Sunday; I'm going to live inside the moment and stand guard against relapse, day in and day out.

miamifella

I believe there must be a stigma against non-drinkers since I read here that people encounter it. But like you, I personally only encountered stigma against drinking. Before becoming a drug addict I and most people I knew, did all we could to avoid heavy drinkers. I could handle pot-smokers, but drinkers were a bit too obnoxious.

Then when I stopped using my DOC, I started craving alcohol. But fortunately I only have gotten drunk once since then. That was enough!

kittycat3

Depending on the crowd, I've been interrogated about my lack of drinking. Now I'm in my late 30s and it hardly happens, but I was sober from about age 25-32 and it came up much more often then. Usually the persons asking me abused alcohol themselves and didn't want anyone to not partake in the abuse

Glad that doesn't happen any more, but remember you don't have to explain a single thing.

MelindaFlowers

I always like to think of it this way:

Any stigma (real or imagined) attached to being a non-drinker is way better than the stigma attached to being an actively drinking alcoholic.

Now there is some serious stigma there!

kinzoku

This site is called "sober recovery" and recovery can be a helpful word .But all labels are misleading. I hate, hate, hate victimhood narratives. We are all terminally unique. Really. For better or worse we all have various strange ways of living. We all have to figure out how to do that without harming ourselves or others. I think anyone who is here has a problem with addiction. But I'm not in this headset where I'm "recovering" or hiding or placing myself in some cocoon. I don't like that narrative. I just live my life without alcohol. I mean I needed some time to "recover" physically and mentally, and some need less and some need more. But if I let my relationship with alcohol define my life as a sober person, what the hell is the point of stopping in the first place?

ru12

I'm not in recovery. Alcohol ceased to be a problem for me the moment I stopped drinking the stuff. And it most certainly is a poison, and a deadly one at that. Miamifella, do you know anyone that has died of alcohol poisoning? I do.

miamifella

I think that there is a danger in thinking that just because I cannot drink alcohol that it must be bad for everyone. It minimizes the destructive nature of our alcoholism, by encouraging the belief that it is the substance, not our own pathology that is the problem.

Yes there is alcohol poisoning---but there are many foods and drinks that become toxic when ingested in large quantities. The non-alcoholic who has a glass of wine with dinner is not poisoning himself any more than person who puts salt on his eggplant parmisian.