Lightning Bug

There she is... peeking out from behind the dark curtain of stunted emotions, continuous disappointments, and deeply rooted shame. She takes a tiny step past the fabric of lost time, fractured relationships and unnecessary hardships. Could the possibility exist to fling back that curtain and march out with head held high? She swallows hard, buries the voice, and pushes forward, center stage, a place to be who she really is. The fragility is slowly replaced by a strength she didn't know she had. It is possible to emerge, to be reborn. Acceptance and acknowledgment strengthens her core, she knows that only significant changes in thoughts and behavior will allow her to glide forward. She absorbs the fear, silences the urges that languish deeply inside her, and lifts her head to gaze out to a stunningly clear and beautiful world, a world she has not truly seen for quite some time. She bravely smiles as she accepts the new realities that surround her. She belongs here. She deserves it. But now she must put everything she has into staying. There is no going back behind that black curtain. The darkness is behind her and now there is nothing but light. Peace begins to fill her. She will fight for this. She will not give in. Nothing can pull her back now that she has had the sweet taste of sobriety.

She is me. I will fight to keep this. My eyes are wide open to everything I have been missing while buried in a bottle.

Day 8 feels good.

Bug

Dee74

day 8 looks good on you too Bug - congrats

D

Lightning Bug

He hugged me tonight and whispered that he missed me so much it hurt. He sees me again. He says he is starting to see the me that has been gone. The me that existed before. The one who didn't sit back and watch the world go by in a drunkeon haze.

I see me too. With every day that I wake up.

Thanks Dee.

ICanDoBetter

Love this :-)

Lightning Bug

How are you doing sweetie?

Lightning Bug

The best thing about right now is the calm I feel knowing that I am strong enough to walk this path. I have been drinking nonstop for almost a year. A whole year of darkness. I wasted a year of my life. But I am awake now.

Bug

Lightning Bug

Just read in another post about expectations people put on themselves. I put high expectations on myself professionally and work hard to meet and exceed those expectations. Not so much in my personal life. I think judgement from others drives my need to succeed in everything at work. I need to translate that drive to my sobriety. I need accountability. So I will post here.

Bug

Anna

I'm glad to hear that you are starting to feel good about yourself.

Dime

Sounds like you have a very good perspective on things at only 8 days sober. Boy I sure do wish I could write as well as you!!

Lightning Bug

I love to write. Just another thing I miss about the old me. I could sit down and write about anything. Then the drunken fog came and I could barely spell my name.

My perspective comes from my experience. I may only have 8 days of sobriety from alcohol, but I am cross-addicted and have confronted other demons. For some I have years of clean time. I have to harness what made me successful with those addictions and use the same tools to tackle alcohol. I am also dual-diagnosis, which means I am constantly working on my addictive personality. I can't afford to transfer my addiction to alcohol to something else. That has been my way in the past. I can't do that this time.

Bug

Lightning Bug

Ah, reflection. The hardest thing I have ever kicked is Xanax. It was the only thing that gave me withdrawal symptoms and daily cravings. It was my DOC. I kicked it 4 years ago. Then last summer I somehow convinced myself and my p-doc that maybe Klonopin could help my anxiety and stress from work. I guzzled that like candy every month. Hid it from husband. He found out. Almost left me. He started locking it up and doling it out daily. I stockpiled so I could take a handful. Yeah, different drug same drug family. Reset clean date to March 16th, 2016. I just cannot ever take benzos. Just like I cannot ever drink.

Dime

I'm dual diagnosis also. Didn't find out until I had been sober for a few days. Really does complicate things but certainly is no reason you can't stay sober. Big congrats on your ability to concur your other addictions, I know it's never easy. Post often as I think you can help others!

Lightning Bug

Thanks for the support Dime!

Soberwolf

Congratulations on day 8

Lightning Bug

Thanks Wolf. Feels great!

Meraviglioso

Congratulations! Keep up the good work, you can do this.

zlhzlh

Bug that made me cry....

So very happy for you! And your hubby. It brings back very sad and happy memories for me x

Para

Thank you Bug.

I love this.

And thank god for those that love us, and still remember who we truly are, past the addiction, past the alcohol. So grateful.

freshstart57

You write so beautifully, Bug. I am finding your post to be inspiring and uplifting, your self and soul shine through clean, clear, and bright. This is how I felt after a week or two of sobriety. A little wobbly maybe, but blinking hard in wonder and awe in the new light around me. I was amazed at what I had been missing.

Like you, every day filled me with new resolve and commitment. Welcome back, and congratulations. I hope you keep writing and posting when you can.